Cheating on anyone is deeper that people realize, it destroys their outlook on love, their future relationships, and peace within themselves.
-J Cole
People used to ask me what the worst feeling was, it's pretty clear now.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
Pull my puzzle apart
This weight is so heavy. It's getting harder and harder to breathe. I need you here, and despite being right next to me, we both know that you are a million miles away. Let me know when you are coming back, because I don't know how long I can stick around.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Drowning
'I'm a little scared to hold you close cause I just might never, ever let you go.
Caught up in your smile, I'm happy as a child. But I'm still drowning, drowning in your love'
Lose yourself in the darkness
Don't leave. Please. Stay. It's nice to be in the dark, right? You can relax a little. No false pretenses. No brittle smiles. Nobody else. Just us. Forget the stress. The worry. The unsaid thoughts. Life is too short. Too short for second guessing. Too short to fight. Close your eyes. Tonight I need you.
Pure Ignorance
I am not afraid to ask the question because I do not want to hear the truth - I am afraid to ask the question because I am scared to hear the lies. More to the point, I am afraid that I am not strong enough to handle either. So for the moment, I'm enjoying the silence.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Everything I couldn't say
"This fantasy, this fallacy, this tumbling stone; echoes of a city that's long overgrown. Your heart is the only place that I call home. Can I be returned?"
-Florence and the Machine
-Florence and the Machine
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Safer
"Well it’s been days now and you change your mind again. All the cracks in the walls remind you of things we said and I could tell you that I wont hurt you this time but it’s just safer to keep you in this heart of mine”
-And The Boys, Angus & Julia Stone
And I still feel exactly the same
I remember when I wrote this and they way that I didn't know exactly how I was feeling at the time but as soon as I started writing it all just tumbled out and everything begun to make sense to me in a way that it never had previously. This isn't magnificent and probably doesn't mean much to anyone else, but it would still be one of my favourite pieces that I have ever written.
I have a sympathetic heart and a disagreeing head, and perhaps this is where my troubles lie. I meet people who make my entire world stop with the magic they share, whispering secrets so quietly that I have to lean my ear closely, as if I may let this golden moment escape into the ungrateful universe otherwise. I don't know what these people are to me but I never want to stop figuring it out. I so desperately want to be whatever they need me to be that somewhere along the line I wind up noticing everything about them, like the way the sun falls across the lines in their face or the constellations of freckles collected on their left shoulder blade that I forget to notice myself. We are fooling ourselves, trying to forgive people for the feelings they have stolen. But even the saddest stars never stop burning and so I keep my smile as deep as the red in my favourite wine and erase my regrets. I would listen to you until the darkened nights break into dawn, until my ears deafened and my eyes crawled to a close. I would fall asleep to the constant hum of your thought and lessons because you are just as beautiful as what you have taught me about life.
I am tongue-tied and wide-eyed and aware that not much of what I write translates meaning to anyone else. I notice so god damn much about everyone else, like the thoughts you throw away on Monday morning and I wonder if anyone else sees these raw moments that make everything else seem so much less translucent. I want to be proud for the things that I have done, strong for the things I am doing and hopeful for the things that I will do, but I just don't know how. I am often quiet these days, and I need you to know that when I am not talking I am feeling. It is not that I am cold, nor am I stone because I feel things too. I feel the emptiness and questioning of being here and not understanding why just like I feel the fullness and contentment of those moments that make me feel that I belong, and that somehow in this mixed up universe, there was a reason I landed myself here. I don't know how I manage to feel so together, yet so fucking broken at the same time and I constantly wait for the moment where the fragments of my life will bluster up like the glass I shattered on the kitchen floor last night.
My head is a messy place and sometimes writing is all that has ever made sense to me. I love a lot of people that have left my life quicker than they arrived and perhaps it is because I can't seem to transcend my feelings in practice as well as they flow into written words, or maybe it was because up until today I never considered the length I was willing to go to stop these people drifting between my fingers, like grains of sand lost in the wind. I do not want to play with sand anymore, I am playing for keeps.
I have a sympathetic heart and a disagreeing head, and perhaps this is where my troubles lie. I meet people who make my entire world stop with the magic they share, whispering secrets so quietly that I have to lean my ear closely, as if I may let this golden moment escape into the ungrateful universe otherwise. I don't know what these people are to me but I never want to stop figuring it out. I so desperately want to be whatever they need me to be that somewhere along the line I wind up noticing everything about them, like the way the sun falls across the lines in their face or the constellations of freckles collected on their left shoulder blade that I forget to notice myself. We are fooling ourselves, trying to forgive people for the feelings they have stolen. But even the saddest stars never stop burning and so I keep my smile as deep as the red in my favourite wine and erase my regrets. I would listen to you until the darkened nights break into dawn, until my ears deafened and my eyes crawled to a close. I would fall asleep to the constant hum of your thought and lessons because you are just as beautiful as what you have taught me about life.
I am tongue-tied and wide-eyed and aware that not much of what I write translates meaning to anyone else. I notice so god damn much about everyone else, like the thoughts you throw away on Monday morning and I wonder if anyone else sees these raw moments that make everything else seem so much less translucent. I want to be proud for the things that I have done, strong for the things I am doing and hopeful for the things that I will do, but I just don't know how. I am often quiet these days, and I need you to know that when I am not talking I am feeling. It is not that I am cold, nor am I stone because I feel things too. I feel the emptiness and questioning of being here and not understanding why just like I feel the fullness and contentment of those moments that make me feel that I belong, and that somehow in this mixed up universe, there was a reason I landed myself here. I don't know how I manage to feel so together, yet so fucking broken at the same time and I constantly wait for the moment where the fragments of my life will bluster up like the glass I shattered on the kitchen floor last night.
My head is a messy place and sometimes writing is all that has ever made sense to me. I love a lot of people that have left my life quicker than they arrived and perhaps it is because I can't seem to transcend my feelings in practice as well as they flow into written words, or maybe it was because up until today I never considered the length I was willing to go to stop these people drifting between my fingers, like grains of sand lost in the wind. I do not want to play with sand anymore, I am playing for keeps.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
I knew not to forget
I was sitting in the backseat when I first met you and the streetlights sped past like camera flashes, telling me to remember this moment as I held my breath and tried to clear all the thoughts rushing through my head. My hair was in tangles and the cold air pricked away at my skin, stabbing into the darkness of the unknown. It was a nice moment, and I felt good to bethere even though I was aware of the potential situation I had put myself in. Maybe it was the intense amount of alcohol or maybe I had sensed that this night would be the start of all the things that I needed, but everything seemed a little bit more serene, a little softer and the world seemed a little kinder. I'll never forget that night.
And now we go back to the house and I watch you light up a cigarette on the porch and get lost in your thoughts whilst the smoke swirls it's way around the curves of your face and into the abyss. It's dark and the air is heavy at night now. You make me feel like I am home.
And now we go back to the house and I watch you light up a cigarette on the porch and get lost in your thoughts whilst the smoke swirls it's way around the curves of your face and into the abyss. It's dark and the air is heavy at night now. You make me feel like I am home.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Beauty in it's finest form
Et l’amour, où tout est facile,
Où tout est donné dans l’instant;
Il existe au milieu du temps
La possibilité d’une île.
-Michel Houellebecq
Où tout est donné dans l’instant;
Il existe au milieu du temps
La possibilité d’une île.
-Michel Houellebecq
Not all those who wander are lost
I want to write, like I did before. About all the things that mattered to be, despite their obvious insignificance or the way they would never let me look at the world in the same light again. I want to write about Ben and tell you exactly what he means to be. I want to write about this world and the monstrosities that it hides beneath it's shadows. I want to write about the last 6 months and how I am too scared to accept the person I have become. I want to write about letting go, moving on and being brave. I want to tell you all these things, but I cannot find the words just yet and I will never be able to explain just how much that scares me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)