Daily Reflection

Today, I was told that I should reflect daily to identify things/people in my life that I like or wish to change in order to better myself and my life. Here is my first day. (I also found this image entirely appropriate as I constantly feel as though I'm drowning and am overwhelmed by all that is happening around me at the moment)

Who made your day and did you thank them?
My Steve, (whom I refer to as my own Stevie Wonder), who makes me feel like a million bucks when I am flat broke. I wish I had amazing words to write that could possibly convey how extraordinary he is, words that would take the breath away from people like he has done to me, so so many times. And of course I thanked him, he gets special thanks ;)

What did you do today to make you feel proud?
Hm, Chantale and I lightened the hearts of those around us with our singing breakout in the office today. I enjoyed the smiles it created.
Name something you liked about your day?
Dylan and the other 6 or 7 people who told me how lovely my new hair colour is. This is a particularly good achievement considering I did it myself yesterday as a counteract to my boredom in the late afternoon.

Name something you disliked about your day?
I discovered things about myself that I would have much preferred to stay swept under the rug and out of my conscious thought process.

What has been the song of the day for you?
Walking on a dream - Empire of the Sun ♥ if you have not heard this song, I encourage you to listen to it instantly. It is impossible to remain in a bad mood whilst listening to this song!

Dusted.

One day soon I will forget the hurt, the reasons I cried and they way you caused me pain. Perhaps if I am very lucky, you will begin to fade in my memory also, so you do not remain in the forefront of my mind so vividly. The secret of being free is not revenge and acting out against you, but letting things unfold in their own way and time. I suppose this has unfolded and all of the little things that I am desperately grasping to do not matter in comparison to the way this ended.

I am seeking peace.


NB: To those who can't read the tattoo print, it reads "The worst things is holding on to someone who doesn't want to be held on to"

Love?

Just came across this...

‘“I love you” means that I accept you for the person that you are and that I do not wish to change you into someone else. It means that I do not expect perfection from you – just as you do not expect it from me. It means that I will love you and stand by you even through the worst of times. It means loving you when you’re in a bad mood or too tired to do the things I want to do. It means loving you when you’re down – not just when you’re fun to be with. ‘I love you’ means that I know your deepest secrets and do not judge you for them – asking in return only that you do not judge me for mine. It means that I care enough to fight for what we have and that I love you enough not to let go. It means thinking of you, dreaming of you, wanting and needing you constantly, and hoping that you feel the same way for me’.

...And it made me smile!

Temporary

'Everything in life is temporary. So if things are going good, enjoy it because it won't last forever. And if things are going bad, don't worry. It can't last forever either'.

Some things never change

Who's there?

Yesterday, I was set a task at work. I had to list the three people in this world that I trust most. We were given about half an hour to complete this task, and I was unsure as to why we were given such a long time to contemplate such a simple question. They, my bosses, wanted legitimate answers and wanted to know why. I can tell you, from the first minute till the thirtieth, all three people changed. It is so peculiar the way you don't realize the people you count on most until you are forced to question it in front of 30 people.

Finished

And then there was one!
After two years you would think that I could have this coming. Call me foolish, call me whatever you like, but that was the very last time that I will ever let you near my life again.
I can not do this anymore. I am done.

Cold

It was foolish, but I tried to read your deleted blog again tonight. It is cold and the weather is still and would have been perfect for one of our nights. Your blog has long been deleted, but it's snippets still sit there on my dashboard under your name, so I get to see the previews and read a few lines that don't really convey the full meaning of what you had once tried to tell me. I suppose that sums it up, you were always giving me snippets and previews of yourself, but I never really knew you did I? I once blamed myself for this, but I couldn't ever really know you because you never let me anywhere near the god damned truth.

Deep Breathing

I love you but I fear that you are always going to love something else before you fall back to me. Maybe after two long years this is where we are, a mutual standing. Maybe this is it and we have finally achieved what we wanted for so, so long. Then I remember being curled up on the couch with you and feeling like I had my entire world in one room. I remember handing over all of my vulnerable pieces to you while you laughed at my pointless tantrums and promised me that I would always be okay, we’d be okay. And I remember how warm your skin would be when I could see fog coming out of my breath and how you’d hold both my hands in yours until I was warmer than you’d ever be. I know that the heart has reasons that reason does not know, but I learnt a new viewpoint on reasoning when my world disappeared. Now you are back, and I do love you, I love you with everything I ever could. And I want to destroy you before you have the chance to destroy yourself, but I can’t help remembering all of the things we spent months trying to forget. I remember the way you would always go without really leaving and so I am scared. There is so much I want in my life, so much I am going to do, but I am scared that none of it will mean anything if I am not with you.

Secrets

Some days are easier than others. Sometimes I go out and immerse myself in other people, get lost in them. I try to avoid feeling, they say that painful emotion only lasts 12 minutes or so, thus meaning that anything that follows is self-inflicted, right? But then I come home and get lost in the same empty bed, the one I am lost in now. You told me that I was unexplainable but that I was wonderful, and when I bit my lip in the dark and laughed, I knew you were smiling too. You forgot to be emotionless in all the moments that could have distanced you from this. I opened up to you and told you my insides, told you the way I hated my indecisive nature and how my old boyfriend broke me. I thought that was the worst secret. But you can’t damage something that is beyond repair. The worst secrets are the misleading ones, the ones you keep closest and don’t tell, making them feel safe when they’re not. This is tricky but I don’t regret giving a piece of myself to you and watching you walk away with it. One day, we will be forever done and what will we remember each other by? Will you remember me dazed by your cologne, telling you stories of before my life before this; remember me saying I was ready; remember me being calm and composed whilst underneath this cover my chest was burning and I swear you could hear my heart. I never gave you an explanation, I’ve never been good at those, but I think you already know everything you had to anyway. I know all of this will get buried beneath life itself, and that’s okay, I will be okay. But when you are driving in the dark and the raining starts falling softly, I wish that you would secretly think of me. We were a dangerous secret, that makes everything before us deceiving, but it also keeps it safe in a way that the truth never could.

Perfect end to V Day

You've made me so very happy (:
I know we've been to hell and back several times in the last two years but there isn't a single person I would rather have done it with. This time last year you broke my heart and everything else inside of me, but we have come miles since that day. You have witnessed the very best and very worst of me, seen my absolute highs and all-time lows, we've shared everything and dealt with some pretty horrible and wonderful situations. I wouldn't change a thing, you are still everything! Happy V Day, J ♥

Food for thought

No one is afraid of heights; we are merely afraid of the fall. No one is afraid to play; we are only afraid to lose. No one is afraid of the dark; we are afraid of what is hidden within it. No one is afraid to say "I love you"; we are most afraid of the response.

Oh dear

I had one of the messier nights that I have had in quite sometime which involved me being in a fake engagement for the evening, a Johnny Depp look alike and a lot of old Eminem music mixed with far, far too much alcohol. It also involved two dead phones without credit, thus making it increasingly difficult to get home. And of course, my knight in shining gumboots saved the night. And I'm not quite sure how, but he is always saving me from myself, on more occasions than he will ever realise now. It's a bit odd, the way your insecurities and cracks are so hidden, but their is always that particular man that subconciously fixes them, even if it is only for a matter of time. If only you had some idea of everything you've saved me from.
For today, I'm letting my feet unswell and my head rest. I am also living in the shadow of your heart, but I know this will last for so much longer than just today.

As promised

To my very own Stevie Wonder!
I didn't like the way that you came into my life calling me princess when I so closesly associated that name with someone else. But now the thought of not seeing you everyday seems like the biggest joke I could be told. I want to sink my fingers into you, mark you as my own, my teritory, and continue to giggle with you. You filled me up with happiness when I needed it most and you were the blessing I didn't know I was searching for that assisted me in making the change that I needed. Thank you for truly treating me like a princess each and everyday, always stopping to look at me every single time I walk into our room and for making sure I am more than happy and constantly laughing. I am so gutted that our daily sex through words is coming to a close, there isn't a single person I'd prefer to scream with and have extremely inappropriate conversations with. You were a right blast and I loved all our "exchanges" and filthy moments. Stay golden my handsome darling angel, you are something so very special and rare. With all of my love, your "hot spunk princess" ha!

Shining Light

I am ultimately very lucky, I have the very best company in my life and I can't believe they're mine :)!

I am going to use this post as a complete mush to express my gratitude to those who provided me with the brightest of dispositions today!

My love Heidi and Steve, who spend every day with me, my moods, my stories and my hangovers, not to mention my 8 hour daily karoke routines I like to test out on them! Honestly, they make every day so bright for me, and I wouldn't have gotten through the last several weeks without them, bless them in their entirity.

I would also like to use this post to make mention to my Clairebee, my dearest friend who has all of my love, as today I found out is moving back home with me! I could not be more excited to have my favourite person in this world back by my side daily until we go to Europe!

Oh baby, what a lovely day!

Dripping Dry

Sometimes, I believe that it is okay to sit in an empty house and cry - the walls will hold in what you can't. But lately, this house has been a little bit too empty. I'm stretching out my arms as far as they can go but it's cold out there you know. Maybe we are just broken cups, that managed to fill each other up for a little while, late at night when the darkness crept over our eyes, but like most broken things, we were beyond repair and eventually everything leaked out through the cracks that are often invisible to the bare eye. Perhaps we got lost in a few months of moments and I was in a whirlwind of false hope that was never mine to hold, you were never mine to hold. I never felt the world cry on my shoulders before, I never thought I would have made it so easy for you to leave and I never thought you would go without looking back once.

Nothing could have been clearer

For the first time in over three months, I'll be wishing for something different on 11:11pm tonight. I want to go back to the 10th February, 2010 and change so so much.

Stretch

I stare at the vast space between my fingers thatI often refer to as 'the universe'. Whether it be that the universe is at my fingertips, or that the universe was falling through my fingers, I always wonder if I could perhaps sew my fingers together and keep a grasp of everything that was ever anything to me. Sometimes, I hide my hands in the pockets of my coat, as if this may help me hold onto the things that I am so afraid to lose. The trouble is that most of these things are not materalistic, and I am yet to manage the art of capturing feelings and holding onto them, savouring them, as if they were the last drops of water I'd ever see.

I remember going to sleep of a night with the smell of stale smoke and warm tobacco through my hair, and even though I hated smoking, it quickly became a familiar scent that made me feel so raw, but so wanted. I remember crawling up next to you and the feeling of safety that I'd find buried somewhere within your arms. I remember my belly laugh when you made a song about me being fearless with skinny wrists. I remember the way you smiled at me when you needed me to believe that things were going to be okay, and perhaps that was the first time I experienced fear.

They were our feelings; our moments; and they were delicate and we did not treat them with the precautions they deserved. I was a love-drunk hurricane who swept straight into your storm clouds and changed everything.

It is a perculier talent, to remember particular feelings, but there is such a sweet innocence in rediscovering something so lost and I hope to god that I will work hard enough to rediscover every second with you.

Come back to bed..

J says (9.56PM): I do not want to get in the way of anything you see. I'm not sure where we stand, I just wanted to make sure I'm not getting in the way of you living your life. I will always be here for you to come back to.

You were everything I ever wanted. You cannot get in the way of my life when you are very much one of the biggest aspects of my life.

Tiresome

I never knew getting legal advice would be so ultimately exhausting -.-
I am so completely drained and my faith is quickly diminishing! My help button seems to be inactive.

Question

You're beautiful, but you're empty.

I have a sympathetic heart and a disagreeing head, and perhaps this is where my troubles lie. I meet people who make my entire world stop with the magic they share, whispering secrets so quietly that I have to lean my ear closely, as if I may let this golden moment escape into the ungrateful universe otherwise. I don't know what these people are to me but I never want to stop figuring it out. I so desperately want to be whatever they need me to be that somewhere along the line I wind up noticing everything about them, like the way the sun falls across the lines in their face or the constellations of freckles collected on their left shoulder blade that I forget to notice myself. We are fooling ourselves, trying to forgive people for the feelings they have stolen. But even the saddest stars never stop burning and so I keep my smile as deep as the red in my favourite wine and erase my regrets. I would listen to you until the darkened nights break into dawn, until my ears deafened and my eyes crawled to a close. I would fall asleep to the constant hum of your thought and lessons because you are just as beautiful as what you have taught me about life.

I am tongue-tied and wide-eyed and aware that not much of what I write translates meaning to anyone else. I notice so god damn much about everyone else, like the thoughts you throw away on Monday morning and I wonder if anyone else sees these raw moments that make everything else seem so much less translucent. I want to be proud for the things that I have done, strong for the things I am doing and hopeful for the things that I will do, but I just don't know how. I am often quiet these days, and I need you to know that when I am not talking I am feeling. It is not that I am cold, nor am I stone because I feel things too. I feel the emptiness and questioning of being here and not understanding why just like I feel the fullness and contentment of those moments that make me feel that I belong, and that somehow in this mixed up universe, there was a reason I landed myself here. I don't know how I manage to feel so together, yet so fucking broken at the same time and I constantly wait for the moment where the fragments of my life will bluster up like the glass I shattered on the kitchen floor last night.

My head is a messy place and sometimes writing is all that has ever made sense to me. I love a lot of people that have left my life quicker than they arrived and perhaps it is because I can't seem to transcend my feelings in practice as well as they flow into written words, or maybe it was because up until today I never considered the length I was willing to go to stop these people drifting between my fingers, like grains of sand lost in the wind. I do not want to play with sand anymore, I am playing for keeps.     

Location, Location

In light of recent events where I currently live, it has been decided by my family and I that it would be a good idea for me to relocate, a new beginning with new people if you may. This being so, I have spent most of my day today trying to select a rental property and I had no idea how tiring it truly was. Kudo's go to all those renters out there!

I am so looking forward to packing my boxes and getting out of here :) YAY!

You said you think we are the best thing.

I know this is a long time coming, but I miss you still, it comes and goes in waves, but undoubtedly, I miss you. Another case of me taking things for granted. I miss listening to The XX and snuggling in that mink blanket you had bought us for winter. I remember how excited we were when you moved out so we could have 'sleepovers'. I remember the way we both went so headstrong into this saying we would never develop feelings, and I also remember the very drunken giggling fit we had when we both confessed we had gotten these silly feelings and our how quickly our headstrong approach faded. I miss the way you used to call me bunny and cook dinner for me at 11.30pm because I could never stick to a regular eating pattern. I miss the way you'd squash me with your silly arms when we slept, and how loudly you would snore, but how I needed that sound to fall asleep for so long afterwards. I also miss you holding my knee and the patterns from the street lights when I'd drive us home and the way you used to try to teach me things about the world, but I'd always laugh because you would get so wound up. I remember the way your roommate would always have to direct me through the city because I'd always get lost trying to finding you. That's what I did. I got lost with you and in you. I had no sense of anything, with the exception of being with you. I appreciate the way you have kept me in your life and I apologise for saying nasty things, it is so much easier than saying sad things. Thank you for everything you have done for me, especially of late. I will always let you in, because sometimes I still need you.

Three Months CWM.

Here is something I wrote for you a little while ago but never gave you, not too much has changed.

"I want to argue with you over which side of the bed is ours, even though it wouldn't matter because we'd always wake up on the opposite side. I want to fight over which Chinese restaurant has the best takeaway and I want you to scream at me for my ridiculous amounts of clothes  and jewelry. I want to tell you all the dorky kids names that i've picked out and I want you to laugh at my horrible hair in the mornings, every morning. Mostly, I just want to spend every day until the rest of forever with you because you make me happier than I ever knew possible".

 

Splendid

I got my new job today (: Hello $18,000 pay rise and a personal assistant!

Wash it away

"I don't deserve love, I slapped him in the face as he stood by the bed and said "I love you".
He told me I'd taste the pain, but I taste it everyday. You win, I'm sadder than you...
You'll turn out like him and I'll turn out like her; I'll be lonely and sad, you'll be strong and unmoved.
You won't have any friends and I'll live in a room with flowers on the walls and golden doorknobs.
You win, I'm sadder than you"
-Angus and Julia.

CWM.

I am very doubtful that you even read this anymore, I just wanted you to know that I miss you a lot more than I probably should, however I know that you would speak to me should you want to. It hurts knowing that things are this bad and I cannot speak to you. You were always the kindest person in times like these... I am trying so very hard.

Special mentions for a special friend!

Big G,
You are undoubtedly the most remarkable man I have ever met. You were so soft on my eyes first thing in the morning and you held a talent that eliminated any trace of pain I felt. You taught me to stop writing about my feelings and learn to feel them, let them flutter and be out of my control. You made me live and you made me think. You continue to make me question people and not let me settle for less than you believe me to deserve. You are the biggest soul I have ever known, so full of mystery and so very god damn deep. I never had to prove anything to you and I remember when you once told me that I was alive and I was significant and I remember thinking that was the most raw compliment I would ever receive and I haven't doubted it since. We never questioned our differing age, even when people questioned us, because we worked; we still work and that was all we needed, we were never in search of any one's approval. Never have I had someone so truly scared to lose me, but also fight so hard to save me. You taught me so very much and I could never be without you. I am one of the lucky ones, the one that gets to be by you and learn to love things the way you love them, the only way that love has ever made sense to me.

There is very little that makes sense to me any more in this mad world, but you make everything better.