I need to get this off my chest

Damn every last person who says that "you can do better than him".
You don't know the way that a person can make your heart beat faster and slower at the same time. You don't understand the stability that can be found in a single persons arms when it feels as though the whole world is crashing down on top of you. You couldn't fathom the depth of the words that we whispered under starlight and all of the secrets that have become unburdened from these shoulders that started to feel a little too heavy.
So you can take your betters, your someone elses and your hopeful promises because I've got all I need wrapped in his fathers' jumper and the smell of deep mint. I've got it in the crook of his neck and the warmth of his hands. Maybe I could do better, but so could he.
Aren't we all damaged? Aren't we all in need of fixing? Don't we all want someone who brushes out our bumps and convinces us that we are beautiful anyway? Because we are beautiful. Anyway.

One day

Reminder

"When someone is going through a storm, your silent presence is more powerful than a million, empty words."
-Thema Davis

Sometimes words fail to convey the capacity you wish you had to eliminate the pain weighing down someone else. There is nothing in this world that can measure up to the comfort in just being in the company of someone else; the heat of another human body letting you know that you are not alone in this. It's an important thing to remember, that even when you can't say anything at all, you should always be there.

I am not scared of your dark

It's always self-inflicted, the pain that you cause yourself when all of your demons and cobwebs get a little too close to the surface. When you think that maybe it would be easier if you just ruined everything so that you wouldn't have to live up to the expectations that are cast upon you each day by the people who might not know what cracks too look underneath.
So come at me with you broken words and throw down all the statements that you wish you could scream at people each day when this weight is a little too heavy. Tell me the secrets that you are too ashamed to give a voice too and paint me a canvas of all the ugly that you are too scared to show to the daylight.
I will take it all. I will always take all of it, because each of these pieces makes up a part of your whole.
I am not scared of your dark.

Do you remember like I do; does it even matter?

The feeling of you will never cease to amaze me. Despite all the bad things that found their way between us and finally managed to divide us, all I have to do is drive past Memorial Park and I remember the smile you wore when you waited for me five years ago. I remember the anger you wore when all of this fell apart and I remember all the tears that stained your face when we whispered all of those things into the darkness that we could never quite manage to say without the blanket of night covering us, as if it mightn't hurt quite so much if the sun couldn't sober us.  
I was with someone for two years after you, and I didn't even begin to feel an ounce of what I felt for you. And the single thing that scares me most in this world is that I may never feel the way I felt about you ever again.

I don't need nothing more than you...

We crossed the Virginia border and I swear, I would have crossed all other fifty state lines with you had you asked me to. Plenty of people have the ability to say the right things at the right time, but I've always been one to hold out for the action. You told me I shone brighter than other girls, but you made me feel like the heat of the sun that hung above us in the southern summer.
There is something so real about raw happiness which is exactly what you gave to me, day after day. You were so complimentary to my instability and erratic personality.  Never have I met anyone so steady and so sure of everything in this life. You are the only person who has made me want to stop running.
Let's sing Jack Johnson on repeat forever?
I got you.

When I knew I was a traveller.

When I knew I was a traveller. 

My favourite feeling is not going to bed blanketed in the warmth of the person next to me, nor is it an embrace at the end of the worst kind of day. 

My favourite feeling is finally getting a long night sleep after 26 hours of airports, taxis and flying and waking up in a box-sized room surrounded by the constant buzz of New York City. And even better than this, opening the curtains stained from all of the travellers that had come before you and seeing the fresh snow tumble down on the ever busy streets of New York. 

That moment, the pureness and serenity in the busiest city in the world, that's my favourite moment of all. That's when I am truly happy.

Home is where the heart is.

For so long I considered myself to be a nomad. I didn't really have a stable home in this world, nor did I really feel like I belonged anywhere in particular, and I was okay with that. Until now.
Now I have this amazing home in North Carolina and I am surrounded by these mind-blowingly amazing people who never cease to send me into a state of wonder. How any group of strangers could be so welcoming and form such an instant family around me completely astonishes me, but it happened.
Everyday I feel so blessed to have my new home, and my substitute family who would cross oceans and move mountains to ensure I was happy.
Like I said, I was happy being nomadic, but I never really knew what I was missing until now.

Procrastination at it's finest.

• Taking my mind of things and filling my blog with rubbish. 
• 
  
• 1. If you’ve ever tried drugs or alcohol, what was your reason for first trying it?
• I don't do drugs, and I don't really think there was a reason for first trying alcohol, it just happened I suppose. 
• 2. Do you think you could ever have an abortion if you unexpectedly turned up pregnant right this second?
  No. 
• 3. If you were far from home and needed to sleep for the night, would you choose to rent a crappy motel room for $60 or sleep in your car for free?
  Depends where I am/who I am with. If it was safe enough to sleep in my car I'd probably do it. 
• 4. Is there a color shirt you’d NEVER wear?
  Pink. 
• 5. Is there a situation where you caved into peer pressure and regretted it?
  Nothing that springs to mind.
• 6. What is your favorite video game console? Why?
  Not my scene. 
• 7. Do you like vanilla candles?
  Is that even a real question? Who doesn't like vanilla candles!
• 8. Have you ever been in a relationship that was going great, and then suddenly something weird happened and you just KNEW it was going to be over soon?
  This perfectly sums up my last relationship. 
• 9. Would you ever bleach your hair platinum blonde?
  Been there, done that. 
• 10. What are your plans for tomorrow?
  North Carolina State Fair, yo!
• 11. What did you have for breakfast?
  Skipped it. 
• 12. Have you had a relationship in 2013 yet?
  Ended a very toxic one. 
• 13. Who last slept in your bed besides you?
  Rita. 
• 14. What time did you wake up today?
  I didn't really sleep last night, but I had a nap from 11 until noon if that counts. 
• 15. How long until your next birthday?
  Just under six months. 
• 16. What was the last movie you watched?
  Man of Steel - Do not waste your time watching this film. 
• 17. If you could see any musician live, front row, who would you choose?
  Bon Iver. 
• 18. When did you last consume something that had peanut butter?
  Last night I had a bite of a Reeses. 
• 19. What’s the last song you heard?
  Currently listening to Threnody - Goldmund. 
• 20. When you say you love someone, do you mean it?
  With all of my heart. 
• 21. Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?
  No, I have Italian at 10am. 
• 22. Do you still talk to any of your ex’s?
  Occasionally. 
• 23. As of this minute, what is going through your mind?
  Thinking of a friend, Matthew. 
• 24. Where’s the last place you went?
  I just came home from Miranda and Marrissa's place. 
• 25. Have you held hands with anyone lately?
  Probably. 
• 26. Has anyone let you down recently?
  I recently moved countries, so I wouldn't say people have let me down so much, rather some people haven't kept in touch like I thought they may have. 
• 27. Does it bother you when people try to make you jealous?
  It very rarely works. I'm not the jealous type. 
• 28. Whats the next movie you want to see in theaters?
  Not sure, I don't even know what's coming out. I don't own a tv. 
• 29. Do you have more than $50 in your room?
  Yes.
• 30. Are both of your blood parents still in your life?
  Yes. 
• 31. Were you tired when you woke up this morning?
  Like I said, I didn't sleep.. so yes. 
• 32. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?
  Oh goodness, no one preferably. 
• 33. When was the last time you went apple picking?
  Never in my life. 
• 34. Do you sometimes wake up in the morning, lay in bed and think about life?
  Daily. 
• 35. Are you happy winter is coming soon?
  Very!
• 36. Do you have drama in your life?
  Not much, just the way I like it. 

Hold on to these memories

I wrote this a while ago, but I feel the need to repost it today.


I have questions for you that I never got a chance to ask:
Do you look like you did back then? Would it make a difference anyway?
Do you think of me, when you least expect it - when you're unwrapping a garden hose or titling your face to the shower or making love to someone else? And can you leave it at that, or do you find yourself compulsively sifting through the memories?
If I had been the one to leave, would you have written your heart out to me?

Hopeless wanderer.

I knew from the very first day that I saw you, holding a sign with my name in the airport. It was late but I swear that your smile could have lit the runway for those planes. I knew when we walked around the department stores and when you helped me track down all my lost luggage at midnight. It's a common saying, that one day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else, and now, I finally understand.

Last night we were on our way back from Tar River and I couldn't stop looking at you. I looked at you in a way that I have looked at very few people in my life. Somewhere between the freckles on your arms and your sun kissed face, I knew that I needed you in my life. Listening to Mumford and Sons as we drove into towards the setting sun of North Carolina, all the confessions fell between the words we were saying.
We made a dinner of nutella and yoghurt and I knew that night, you were exactly what I have needed all this time.

"So when your hope's on fire, but you know your desire

Don't hold a glass over the flame, don't let your heart grow cold. 

I will call your name, I will share your road. 

But hold me fast cause I'm a hopeless wanderer". 

Melt my heart

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do. 
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you.
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you. 

Forever Perfect

"You said, ain't this just like the present,
To be showing up like this?
As the moon waned to crescent
We started to kiss.
And I said I know it well,
The secret that we know that we don't know how to tell"

Blood Bank, Bon Iver.
Forever explaining my feelings through lyric.

This is love

Lady, running down to the riptide
Taken away to the dark side
I wanna be your left hand man
I love you when you're singing that song and
I got a lump in my throat because 
You're going to sing the words wrong. 

There's this movie that I think you'll like
This guy decides to quit his job and head to New York City
This cowboy's running from himself
and she's been living on the highest shelf. 

Vance Joy - Riptide (Acoustic)

Que Sera Sera

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, things don't work out the way you had planned them.

Change

It's 3:07 in the morning and I'm sitting in the bathroom light of my studio apartment in Hollywood, as I have done the last few nights, unable to seep. California is so enchanting and so disconcerting at the same time. In half an hour, I will be heading back to the airport for another three flights until I reach my new home on the East Coast and hopefully fall back into a more regular sleeping pattern.

I thought it would be so much harder to leave home, until I left, then it was one of the easiest things in the world to do. Here is the thing, I live in constant fear of losing the people I love, but travelling/leaving has this uncanny ability to show you the people who really care and what really matters. I'm talking about the people who will answer your phone calls despite the time difference, who have sent me letters and who are scared to loose me just as equally as I am of them.  There are no false pretences and it becomes really clear who and what matters all of a sudden.
So just quickly before I miss my taxi call, I want to say thank you to the people in my life I don't have to worry about losing, the ones who are always there for me and have held my hand and supported me in this entire journey I have embarked on. I could not be more blessed than I am, having such compassionate and caring people in my life. The love I have for you is infinite and I don't fear it ever running out.
X

It's moving day!

Stay tuned bloggerbees :)

Happy.

"I hope one day you buy every pretty dress you've ever wanted. I hope you wear them and dance barefoot in summer and laugh. I hope you smile at all of the little things, like flowers and the laughter of children. I hope you get that tattoo you've always wanted. I hope you learn to speak French fluently. I hope you go to Paris and every single state in the US. I hope you never stop singing, even when people tell you that you can't - in fact, especially then. That's when I hope you'll sing the loudest. I hope you buy a bracelet everywhere you go, until your whole arm is filled with them. I hope you stop beating yourself up about everything that's out of your control. I hope you have the guts to speak up when something is important to you. I hope you step out of your comfort zone. I hope you fall insanely in love with someone unexpected. I hope you forget about your scars - inside and out - and learn to be happy"

Running

"I'm terrified of the dark, but not if you go with me. I don't need a pill to make me numb. And I wrote the book on running, but that chapter of my life will soon be done, I'm the king of the great escape"

August, the 4th.

It is so peculiar to think that this night four years ago, you changed my life, my whole perspective on the world and the way that I would go on in the future. Even now, years on, I still remember every single thing about that day and all those that followed, right up to this very moment.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you and feel so blessed to have experienced all that we have together. Despite everything that has now fallen between us, people, kilometres and happenstance, there will always be one constant. And that is the overwhelming amount of unconditional love I have for you. Do not get me wrong, there are days when I downright hate you and despise a lot of the decisions you make, but you have also stood by me through some pretty tricky times and tried your best to be the graceful man that I fell in love with, so serene and full of compassion. Thank you for being both my albatross and my lighthouse, saving me when I didn't realise I was drowning and providing me with guidance when I was so lost. I know it wasn't always smooth-sailing, but you are both the strongest and weakest person I know, so beautiful and strong.  I hope nothing in this world ever takes away your shine.
The last four years have truly been a rollercoaster, but there isn't a day I wouldn't relive with you. I am so happy that we are still in each other's lives, even if it is not the way we had fathomed. I love you so god damn much and I wouldn't trade you for anything, kid.
♥ ♥ ♥