Breathe

It gets that little bit easier every day. Small things are happening that make me appreciate big things, both that I have now, and have lost. Everything is going to be okay if I just breathe.

Depature

After a year and a half + a few other random times, it is all over. We've gone our seperate ways and there is nothing left to be said.

Definitely the calmest break-up, yet the most tiresome, drawn out and hurtful one I have ever been through.


I am emotionally spent and am now in debt to my body.

A Touch of Magic

"Magic is in all of us and in everyone who believes they can make beautiful things happen. It's in a first kiss, in fireworks, running with your girlfriends down the beach at midnight, screaming into the sky. It's falling in love and falling down the rabbit hole. It's in your dreams and imagination.
We can all use magic"
-Unknown.

lovehatelove

I'm sick of all these supposed feelings that we 'should' be having.
I miss you, more than I should. You said I shouldn't have to lose everything to have you, but without you, I sort of feel as though I have lost everything anyway.


I was beginning to think we were moving past all this, but once again, I have found myself back in square one.

Sweet Nothings.

Last night was nice. It was kind of comforting to know that you dream of me too, those uncontrollable thoughts that leave us reeling. And you're right, we do fight, more than normal people, but not for a second would I trade an argument because it made us what we are. I know what you're scared of and I know what buttons to push. There isn't much else that I like falling asleep better to than the sound of your voice, I can't tell you just how much I have missed it.

P.S Just so you know, I have never pulled away, not once since that first day ♥

Beauty

One of my closest, dearests friends had a baby recently who I went to meet tonight. This tiny little bundle only three weeks old but so innocent and so full of life. We have been so lucky to be blessed with this little angel in our lives. I was so unaware that perfection was this tiny. She has my whole heart, this little girl, Little Ella ♥

The Delayed Weekend Thoughts

As I mentioned in my previous post, I thought a lot about my life and myself this weekend, and although it may sound selfish, it had to be done.

I feel as though I've spent a lot of my life running, especially lately. If we take Friday for an example; I woke up late and found myself running around the house like a madman in attempts to be ready for work on time. I then found myself running my car to the train as a further attempt to make it to work on time. Even once I was at work, I yet again found myself running around in order to leave work on time, because I would alas, have to run to my flight, (which I did, they even paged me at the airport because I wasn't running fast enough.

Because of this, by the time I finally got away and sat down for a while. I thought how often I found myself running. Whether it be away from reality, truth or deception, I constantly run. Maybe it is a coping mechanism or maybe I just have patience levels of minus one hundred, either way I didn't like the idea of this.


However, when it got down to it, (mainly because I was bored and it was bugging me) I hated the fact that I ran from things, it makes me feel almost cowardly. Then I realised, I have spent far more time waiting in anticipation. I've waited for what feels like eternity to plan my world trip. I wait for the end of the day, every day. I wait for my on-again-off-again boyfriend to make up his mind. I wait to be good enough. I wait sometimes for life to affect me, before I affect it. I wait a lot of the time, whether it be for a comment on my blog or a life changing moment.

So when I weighed this up over 48 hours I came to the conclusion that I may be one of the hardest people to please that I've ever met. Out of fear of settling and finally become content, I noticed a pattern that had gone by unnoticed for what has probably been several years. And that is, the pattern of me waiting for all these things, no matter how great, and once they are in arms reach, I find myself running like never before, scared of what might come, or how I'll cope if they leave again.

It makes me wonder how long this has been affecting me.

Weekend wind-down.

Had a pretty odd weekend. I'm not sure how to describe it. I spent a lot of time by myself over the weekend, which is something I haven't done in a long time and I feel as though I learnt so much about myself which had been staring at me for quite sometime now.

A quiet holiday away can be more refreshing than I originally realised. I'll write about my self discoveries tomorrow, but right now, I am far more tired than I remember being and think I will rest peacefully tonight for the first night of many.

P.S Welcome and thank you to my new follower, you managed to put a smile on my face when needed.

Thanks Bloggers!
xo

I Still Miss You

I don't have any clues as to why I thought things would possibly be different this time, or as to I thought you may have actually thought of anyone other than yourself for the first time in your life, but I believed the better of you, like I always do; hoping and waiting for the decent man that I know you are to come shining through.
But for the up-thousandth time in the past year you've proved me wrong once again.
You just continue to show me the same ugly person you've become, full of deception and spite. And I continue to show you the same love and willingness and sheer stupidity that is constantly screwed up and thrown in a ball at your feet making me feel ridiculously betrayed and naive, two things that I refuse to be.

It's kind of shame really, that I still expect you to be everything I believed you to be and more. But if I accept that you can never be this person, then I am accepting the fact that I was never anything different to you and that is something I refuse to believe. I know for certain there was something different about us, even if it died long before I could let it go.

Today

It has been pretty miserable day, in fact, this whole week has been pretty miserable.
But I can honestly say that when I checked my blogger dashboard today, my new follower but a smile on my face, thank you Rae!

Slowing Flame

"Seems that I have been held, in some dreaming state A tourist in the waking world, never quite awake No kiss, no gentle word could wake me from this slumber Until I realise that it was you who held me under"
-Florence and the Machine.


I'm beginning to wake up, falling out of slumber and falling out of love with you. I don't know what happened. Almost everything I do is still associated with some attachment to you. I have no plans as to where I am going without your constant presence in my life. I'm falling into new relationships, falling into new patterns and regularities and falling into new habits and out of old ones. Falling isn't a problem for me at all, it's just that I'm no longer falling with you. I think somewhere along my falls, I fell out of my mind, I don't miss it half as much as i thought I would.

Take my spirit from my open hand..

YOU USED TO HOLD ME
YOU USED TO HOLD ME
YOU USED TO HOLD ME
YOU USED TO HOLD ME
YOU KNOW BETTER THAN I DO.

-Calvin Harris

A Little Bit Heavy

I know there are two things I want most when it comes to you;
Firstly, I want you to be happy. Everything I do for you, with you, regarding you is always underlined by my want to keep you happy.
And secondly, I want you. I want you all the time, all day, everyday like it used to be.

But lately, it has dawned on me that I can't have both these things. These things cannot exist simultaneously and work. When I am with you, something always goes wrong in your life, and without me I think things might be better and work out for you, so maybe you will be happy.

I just need to be a big enough person to walk away for the last time, even though it's the last thing you want.

Another day, another attempt.

****** says: Well you will always hold a special place in my heart which is why I keep coming back.

And its because of words like this that the same person continually turns my world back on it's head.

Waiting, Wishing.

After the most intense relationship ever, you tell me you are moving away but won't tell me where.
Good to see this is what we boiled down to.

My Favourite

"Be soft; do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place"

-Unknown (and oh, how I wish I knew)

September.

Sorry for my absence; it has been the craziest of weeks once again. I am beginning to realize that crazy has become normal for me, and anything slightly normal is considered to be boring and purely mediocre.
I think massive changes are about to occur in my life and I can't say that I am even slightly phased by this as I am currently so bored and discontent with my life. I thrive on the thought of my world trip, which still seems to be an eternity away.

I miss my friends.
I miss my 'spare' time.
I miss how easy everything once seemed.
I miss my innocence.
I miss lying in the sun all day.
I miss being able to breathe.