You & I

'Jump into your white mobile and run away

You're always leaving me behind

And I can think of a thousand reasons why
I don't believe in you, I don't believe in you and I
I'm not yours anymore.'

-Angus and Julia Stone

Reflect

"You gradually get over the pain. It doesn't go away, not for a long time, but it becomes easier to live with. One morning you wake up, and they're not the first thing on your mind. And then a few months down the line, you realise you've made it through half the day without thinking of him. Sometimes it takes months, sometimes years, but eventually you reach a point when you only think about them occasionally.
You manage to do this because you don't see them, you don't hear about them, and you try not to think about them.
And then you bump into them walking down the street, or someone unexpected mentions their name and the memories come flooding back. But memories also become less painful in time; Because life will go on, whether they're there or not." ♥

Turning Around

Today I kinda realised how much my life has changed for the very first time. I had a minor set back in my happiness when I saw my ex's somewhat declaration of love for some recent unknown, but the only thing I wanted to do was go for a run. I didn't want to go cry into his arms, or the arms of someone else and wallow in my self pity, nor did I want to gorge on a bunch of foods that I knew I'd immediately feel guilty for. I just wanted to run, because I know when I run, it's a pain I can control, a pain that I know has so much goodness on the other side. Either way, the sadness I felt was nothing compared to what it once was, because now I look at my family, and my best friends... I look at how constant and considerate they are, which in all reality, is all that I really need. I do pity him, and his messed up, newly established relationships and although I miss him to levels that are too much to bare at times, I know that without him, I am so much better.

Solace.

I had a really beautiful weekend. I saw so many of my wonderful friends and didn't do anything too particularly exciting or out of the ordinary but it was just pleasant and peaceful; two things that have not been regular of late.
It kind of feels as though everything is finally falling into step, like the border of my insane life puzzle has been finished and all the insides are matching up a lot easier now without these gaps and horrible unknowns.
Everything is at peace and settled and for the first time and I am enjoying this steady calmness. I am more in touch with every thought running through my head than I have ever been.

Lovely

"I just met you, I swear I read your thoughts so don't forget me or what you want.Light up the stage, make your move, give me something so I can dance in your light and to your rhythm.
Soon it unfolds who we are in this masquerade of stars. Tear off the mask, the face you hide is what I'm missing. We made plans to kiss the sun at night, hopeless dreamers, hopeless types."

-Birds of Tokyo ♥

Apologies

Sorry about my hiatus this week! Just figuring out where I'm taking myself at the moment, trying to make those somewhat life-altering decisions, but I shall be back and posting starting today!
Missed you all and there are so many wonderful blogs sitting on my dashboard waiting for me to read, and some very lovely followers to thank!

Hope everyone is happy and wonderful!

Patience

I know I've been a lot slower than most people at this whole thing, but I'm new to this and everyone's levels of tolerance have been quite the surprise. All in all, I've got to say I'm really beginning to get the hang of this whole redefining myself and I seem to have rediscovered my independence that had been buried away and placed in the back of my cupbaord along with my mismatched socks and unclaimed items.

I am taking this slow, like I said.. but for the first time in a long time I'm beginning to feel like I am fine on my own, without the company of another.

Summed Up

There is nothing else to be said that would better convey everything right now.

What Do You Want?

Today, I saw a screen. A big, white and quite confrontational screen.
The only thing on this screen was "What Do You Want Now?". In reality, it is a very simple question. Honestly, most people could answer it within an instant, yet for some reason I found myself staring at this for over an hour of my already horrendously busy day. I struggled for far longer than I should have to come up with a few points on what I want in life. I guess I am just alarmed at how little I am actually aiming for right now. My goals and priorities have been so muddled up amongst things in the last few months that I seem to have lost any sense of personal achievements and motivation.

Tonight, I am putting up a sign in my bedroom that will confront me every morning that says "What Do You Want Now?" and underneath this heading I am going to list all the things (which, in all honesty is about three things) that I want to achieve in the near future and set the date for it.

I miss the ambitious me and I am welcoming her back with open arms. Now it is time for you to ask yourself what it is you want now. It might not be as easier as you believe.

I am too young to be this empty

I did not cry, not one tear. It's almost as if you have used up your allowance and my body has refused to give you any more. I can not feel anything, I know that I am meant to be sad, you are leaving me for the very last time before you move but I can not feel. It is, again, like you have used up your allowance of my emotions and now I seem to be left with nothing more than this hollow shell. My heart should be breaking at the moment, but you had already broken it time and time before, so I guess now its just further from healing. I wonder if this pain will eventually fade or go away, if you can even call it that considering it does not hurt in the slightest, but I need this numb nothingness to end. I need it to be over like you and I, just so I can feel something again, for better or for worse.

Note to Self

I did not create this beautiful blog, which I seem to have fallen slightly in love with, to reminisce on my favourite and most horrid relationship. I did however create it to share some wonderful pictures, words and stories of my own and of other people who have touched me. It is because of this that I am making a promise to myself, starting today, to center this blog around the beautiful things I love in life, rather than the things/person that I did love. Some call it starting fresh, I'm calling it refocusing!

I'd Do It All Over

I want all my skipped heartbeats back. I want my sanity back. I want my strength back. You took so much from me, but I look at all these things that I've lost and the one thing I want back isn't any of these sweet nothings I had taken for granted, it's just you; plain and simple, beautifully broken you.

Run Run Run

It is so blatantly obvious to everyone, including myself... so why can't I accept it?

Unreal

"I am a blue morning ripe and tired. The universe caught itself in the tangles of my hair and I know not how to get it out, so we struggle with one another. I am a cigarette, half-smoked, discarded early on—before I could blacken a lung or mutate a cell. In my dreams I am stretch armstrong with arms so long I can reach you. Oh, the Rockies are blocking my ears with built up clouds, but I can still feel you pulling there at the center of my chest. Coffeehouse crybaby, backyard saint, midnight warrior, barely joyous broken thing. We share the same troubled hopes, the same winking sky. Once, I wrote a poem on my tongue so you couldn’t see it, because I wanted you to taste it. Foolish me, I suppose I should have known that your lips would never meet mine. I’ve made so many promises that I’ll come find you—get to you—that I worry I might spend the rest of my life in transit. Not an obligation, but a voluntary movement. I am a heart. I am a cloudy head for thinking. Brick wall, waterfall, backlot demon calling my name. You said you hated the way that everything always feels so melancholy and I shot a silent prayer to my darkened ceiling that you would find your smile.

I was never taught to keep things at arms length, so when I see a spark, a flame, a flash, a silent moon glowing in the midnight sky, I am always trying to wrap my arms around it or swallow it whole. I’m either falling in love with strangers and daydreaming about running away or crying my pillowcases black and giving up. I would throw out my back if it meant carrying your troubles—eternal optimist with her feet dipped in something resembling the realistic. I want the best for everyone I’ve ever met and cry over broken hearts that aren’t my own. She told me that it was just an excuse to forget about my own problems, and hell, you know, she was probably right but I don’t think I can stop wanting to try and make you smile. I was taught to love with everything I’ve got, to bear the troubles of the people whose names I hold in my heart. I do not know any better—I only know that you are worth my creaking knees and aching back. It’s a preoccupation or perhaps a long-standing romance with the entire Universe. Always falling for underdogs and stars right on the brink of burning out because there’s something attractive in their glow. There’s just something so attractive in their glow. I wrote this keeping you in mind, I hope you know."


*Please note that this is a quote, from an unknown author that I stumbled across on one of my favourite blogs. I take no credit for this, however I feel that it had to be published here as it was once of the most beautiful pieces of writing I have ever read.

Time Heals Nothing

"He was still my lighthouse and my albatross in equal measure"
-Elizabeth Gilbert

With 1 universe, 9 planets, 204 countries, 809 islands, 7 great seas and over 6 billion people, I can't help but believe there is something behind all this nonsense of you and I.
I have been caught in a catch 22. Can't live with or without you. I hate nothing more than people making decisions on my behalf, but this one is all yours. All or nothing.

One of the loveliest books,

One of my all-time favourite books, and probably soon to be one of my favourite movies. According this paragraph, I have a few apologies to make.

'Learn your way around loneliness.
Make a map of it, sit with it, for once in your life.
Welcome to the human experience.
But never again use another person's body or emotions
as a scratching post of your unfulfilled yearnings"
-Eat Pray Love

Gear Grinder

One of the things that annoys me most, is when people take my words and post them on their own blogs without the slightest bit of credit or notation. It kind of hurts when my words are stolen, I would honestly prefer you to steal my clothes or jewellery, because this way you are not stealing my feelings and expression which was written firsthand.
Whilst I am most flattered, I'd prefer you to comment and express yourself that way, without the theft.
♥

Messy

Thank you for:
-Being my first love
-Breaking my heart
-Showing me what I deserve
-Teaching me who I can trust
-Filling me with happiness like no other
-Letting me redefine myself
-Putting up with me
-Letting me hurt like I refuse to hurt again
-Being everything to me and leaving me with nothing.

It is time to move on, once and for all. I have no idea where I am headed and for the meantime, while I try to sort out this mess I'm calling my head, company is optional but not necessary.

Rainy Days

With majority of my friends away on this long weekend, and this bed-worthy whether, I've decided to do another little challenge to make me question myself even further.

01 → Something you hate about yourself.
I have this ability to cut so many people out of my life, except for the ones who deserve it the most.


02 → Something you love about yourself.
Today I decided that I love my fashion. I have a lot of amazing dresses, my closet is a over-filled mixtures of vintage and recent fashions that I've managed to mix and make some really great outfits.


03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
I have to forgive myself for causing endless harm to myself by taking back the same horrible boy over and over again, even though I knew it could never end nicely.


04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
I have to forgive people for leaving. More times than not, it has been beyond their control, and it's something I find so hard to accept.


05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Experience every country, touch a soul and change a life, even if it is my own.

06 → Something you hope you never have to do.

I have this crazy fear that one day I will have to save people and I'll be forced to make a choice between who I have to save. It sounds insanely weird, but I hope I never have to choose who deserves to live more.


07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Currently, my life is worth living for my friends, and my family, for they have all of my love. However one day, I am going to have that all-consuming, can't breathe, can't sleep type of love, and it will be fantastic.


08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
For me, the answer to this question is double sided. My recent ex-beau, he has made my life treacherous for the last year and half, put me through more emotional struggles than anyone should face in life and made me question myself far more than necessary. He treated me like shit. But in complete fairness, we did have amazing & unforgettable days, but looking back, on the most part I didn't deserve it, and I now know how to overcome it, a lesson I don't wish upon anyone.


09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
My old friend Amy, she was one of the best friends I have had, who was so much to me at the time, and got me through some pretty unbelievable things, but she moved on with her life, and her friendships.


10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
I need to let go of Joe, and stop doing this to myself, time and time again. (All I can think of, see picture).


11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Either my hair, but mostly my jewelery of late. I have mountains of one-off, unique jewelery that I have collected from tiny shops all over the place that can make any outfit millions more fabulous.


12 → Something you never get compliments on.
How are you honestly meant to answer this? Hm, I am never complimented on the soles of my feet!


13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Pink,
I have never been a great fan of mainstream music, but this girl holds a special place in my heart! Her songs tell so many beautiful stories of heartache, love, betrayal, lonliness, loss, acceptance, happiness, overcoming difficulties. Any given problem, I know that I can whack on a Pink song and sing this lungs out and it either cheers me up faster than most other remedies, or leaves me content in my emotions. Such a powerful and inspiration women!
Well done precious!


14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Zighi (They know who they are).
You know you were my hero, you got me through more than anyone else. But you stopped being my hero the day you gave up on everyone that cared about you. My hero's would never turn their backs on the people that loved them most. I am truly sorry for you, you don't even realise how amazing and wonderful the people are that you have lost.
Good day!

15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
I honestly can't think of a single thing. If I had to life without something, I would find a way to make it work. Nothing overrides life.


16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
I could live without a lot of people. I am very close to very few people. In saying that, I have nothing against those people I am not close with, and wish nothing bad upon them.


17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Eat Pray Love. Read it, it is something you can only explain to people who have read it. Such a beautiful book for someone who comes across so ultimately selfish. Made me jealous (which is a very rare occurrence) that I didn’t have a Guru or a higher power to pray to in my more terrible times (even rarer).


18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Considering a lot of my close friends are gay, this is quite a regular subject for me. I think it is ridiculous that it isn’t legal. Marriage is ultimately between, and about, two people who love each other, regardless of their gender, and that love deserves to be celebrated.


19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
I choose to live without religion, but not without strict moral and ethical views, and I think there is an important line that is sometimes lost between in the two. In saying that, I do believe of a greater good, such as God, but I’m just undecided on which one for now.
And politics, well each to their own... However I do think that if politicians concentrated on their area as much as their campaign, the world would be much better off.


20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
I couldn’t ever touch drugs, because I have lost people to them, and that’s all the lesson I needed to never go near them. Alcohol; it can be my best friend and my sworn enemy at the same time.


21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
They’re my best friends, no fight has ever lasted an hour. I don’t know what I’d do. I’d be a blubbering mess without them in my life, they are everything to me.


22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
There is nothing that I wish I hadn’t done because as cliché as it sounds, everything I have done has brought me in some way to where and who I am today, and that is something that should never be regretted or altered.


23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
The other day, I was out of reception, and I missed a message from one of my friends asking me to go skydiving. This was two things. Firstly, this was the first time I had no reception in forever, I missed one ultimate life experience message, and secondly because of this I missed an opportunity to do something that I have wanted to do forever!


24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Bon Iver, all songs, to the man who'll hold my heart forever and a day.
My letter to him: You know when I heard that repetitive cd you always played, and then Bon Iver came on, that's when I knew you were different. That is the day I voluntarily gave you my heart, and wanted you to have it forever. The way you'd play his music because you knew what it meant to me and you knew the power it gave you. It was the day I decided to throw away my inhibitions and make this work. And even though it is beyond my favourite music in this world, not a day passes where it doesn't pain me that I have to listen to him without you.

25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Because I still have a purpose to be here.


26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
April this year, April 27th, to be exact. Because just when I felt like I had hit rock bottom, the rock move and I fell further than I though possible. It was like I was numb to happiness and the only thing I could feel was the numb breaking inside od me, more raw than I care to relive.


27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
My friends. As odd as it sounds, they are the very best thing in my life.


28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
What can you do... If I was pregnant, that is my baby.. I made the decision, and I will live with it, with all of my love!


29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
I desperately need to stand on my own two feet again, because I fell into an ugly trap of being dependent on someone else and I hated every conscious minute of it. I pride myself on my independence, and when it's lost, I am too.

30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Note to self:
Things I love about me can be found below:
-The way you make donations to the Salvation Army every time you see them, which has become an almost daily occurrence.
-Your ability to love widely and endlessly, without boundaries, despite past experience... need I mention the name Joe.
-Your resilience to get back up every time you fall.
-Your determination to make a difference
-Your willingness to do ANYTHING you set your mind to, being a vegetarian, setting of on a world trip.
-Your patience with the people you love, especially dearest old dad.
-The way you become so convinced that even the most lost and hopeless cases are worth saving, and the passion you have to save them yourself.
-The insecurities that you are overcoming.
-The way you can make everyone else happy, even if you are not.
-Your independence, in every aspect of life.
-The changes you are making to yourself.
-Your over-flowing wardrobe and fabulous clothes.
-Your blog and your writing, by far are some of my most favourite things!

Don't forget that even when everything is going wrong, and it's getting a little too lonely, you have the most beautiful and considerate family and friends, and most of all, you have your wisdom and ability to do anything in life that you want. You have to keep that head up and smile on, great things will happen!

Love big!, Hannah!