I am going to count to three and pretend that I can forget all this, even for a second. Pretend that I can forget that everything around me is falling to pieces and that I do not care enough to salvage them; forget that the last fragment of my trust has disappeared; forget that I can no longer crawl in your bed on rainy nights and feel you steadying my shaking shoulders because I was crying and I was so scared all of the god damned time. I am going to pretend that this emptiness isn't so real, that it is just a phase like that time we believed pinky promises held the most solid form of commitment and that steamed bok choi was a secret stairway to heaven. I am not brave and I am not nearly half as courageous as I need to be and I am always making decisions I wind up regretting, but you were not one of them. In fact, right now I am regretting most of the decisions that led these shaking shoulders to be here without you around to steady them and all I can think of is how alone we are in this world sometimes and how you cried and told me you were sick and I was too scared to be the person you needed me to be and how, no matter what I do, I could never really let you go because we were always so much more than what appeared on the surface.
In three seconds, I am going to take a deep breath and pretend that everything is not quite so broken, at least for tonight.
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