One day we'll find the right words.

'Your love will be safe with me'

I don't know what they are called, the fractions of time that you can find sneaking inbetween seconds, but that is when I catch myself thinking of you. We've made mistakes, and if we are being honest, we can admit that most of this life is a result of our mistakes.
Sometimes, I find myself wondering what we have is enough. But I don't know, and I look for all the clues and answers until I am dizzy, but I don't think I'll ever know & that's exactly what love is I suppose; never knowing, but trusting that it is everything you need. But you know me better than anyone and I cannot trust and so I try to let go before it burns itself out. That was my biggest mistake; believing I had to walk away. I apologize for making you a victim of my doubt, yet again, consider this as me swallowing my pride because I can't escape the thought of you and I promise if I could go back, I would make changes and make this the most god damn unbelievable love story you ever heard.
Even when I couldn't have been more misplaced, you always manage to make me feel like I am home.

I'm giving you all I've got.

Breathtaking

Never ceases to melt my heart

I am not okay

Me and you, we haven't learnt how to walk away just yet. I still love you with this broken heart and all it's fragments. Thank you for doing the same.

You told me hold on to my faith

I went to your old street today where the trees hang like the memories I cannot bring myself to forget. Your lawn is unmowed and there are now cobwebs spinning on the corners of your porch that remind me of just how long you have really been gone for. There is a tattered "for sale" sign that has barely survived the fall and is just as in need of your mending as I seem to be at any given time.

Some people come in and out of this life without leaving so much as a second glance behind, but you couldn't have been one of those people because that would have made us too simple.
So now I see your street, the same one that I have driven so many times that the grooves and holes have grown familiar. I see the heavy door that I slammed when I swore I would never come back, the same door that I returned to every time that I gave in and found you waiting for me. 

You left yourself behind in more ways than I can count; trapped in the lyrics of songs you made me learn, in bits and pieces you left strewn in my car, in the parking lot you collected me from when I had all but convinced myself that this town would be better of without me.
It is easy to think of all the bad things that happened to us, but what isn't so obvious to the unknowing eye is the continuing impact you have on my life, the changes you caused me to make and the person you have led me to become.

I hate when people leave this place, because I know better than anyone that there is nothing here to come back for. But then you call me on the coldest nights; in the loneliest of times; during those fragmented moments when I lose my way and you tell me that I am enough, that I have always given you something to come back to here and it doesn't seem so bad anymore. You let me believe, even for a second, that this is bearable and that we can make this whole world work out with our hands tied behind our back. Even if it isn't true, even though sometimes this world is a place far more testing than we could begin to imagine, I love you with every damn scrap I've got for letting me believe that everything is going to be just fine, even just for those few seconds. 

Beautiful night

"All a girl really wants is for one guy to prove to her that they are not all the same"
-Marilyn Monroe

I wrote this for you...

"It's cold when you're not around and the leaves fall like all the snow that never came last winter. You're presence is like a time capsule, and I fear that I'll let all our golden secrets slip away if the lid is unfastened. Everything already seems that much less translucent anyway. Come to think of it, I've never really liked the cold."

I wrote this for you when my world wasn't shaded by colours of green and blue
I wrote this for you when my world wasn't divided by our struggles that grew
I wrote this for you because you are all that I ever knew,
I wrote this for you.

Please don't make me regret this

What if everything you always wanted came to you, white flag raised, surrendering themselves to you completely? What if this person told you that they wanted to keep you for the rest of forever? I love this man, but this isn't a fairytale kind of love. This love is hard work and broken hearts; This love is rage and betrayal, tears and quarrels. This love is by far the most difficult thing that I have ever done and it has sent me to rock bottom's unforgiving depths. But love is love, even when it hurts, even when you think you have given every scrap left within you. 
You are the very best parts of me, the wrinkles and bellyaches after laughing, the calm after the roughest storm and the arms I am always falling into when this world gets a little too terrifying for me to brave. You have the hands I'm constantly searching for, the hands that I want holding me for the rest of my forever. 
I know that we have fought more than most people have in their entire lives, but you said it yourself, you know this is love, and right now that is enough. There is nothing that could make me happier in this moment than the prospect of our forevers.
You are always saving me, and I am so scared of not being good enough, but even if this doesn't last, even if we start WWIII between us, this feeling right now would be worth every second of it.

One day I will find the right words to tell you how I feel, but for right now all I can say is yes, I will be your forever.  

Tell me something pretty.

Are you ready for truth's unkindness?

"Sometimes, when you don't ask questions, it's not because you are afraid that they will lie to your face. It's because you're afraid they'll tell you the truth"
-Vanishing Acts, Jodi Picoult.  

Another letter unsent

Reality can be the scariest of things.

 You are not the man I fell in love with. You are not the man who put his jacket around my shoulders when I was sleeping off toxic drinks in the cold far before this ever began. You are not the man who called me when I was in New Zealand because you needed to hear my voice, because you sensed just how much i missed you. You are not the man who gave me a bottle of his cologne so that I would always have a sense of you even when I couldn't be with you. You are not the man who saved me from this world when it was just about to swallow me hole and you are not the man who used to send me poems at three o'clock in the morning. You are not the man who would kiss me senseless if I pouted my lips, nor are you the man who made me want to be better, go further and do more. You are not the man who made me believe in myself and my worth. You are not everything I once wanted, you are not the man I gave my heart to and you most certainly, are not the man that I am in love with. For now, until I can find you again... You will always be my closest stranger

5 months today, Bloggerbees ♥