Nostalgia

I miss you so much sometimes I would almost swear that I cannot breathe. It is overwhelming and suffocating. People say that these sorts of things get easier with time, but then again, people lie. I miss the way you could always find me, no matter where I was hiding and how you could make everything seem one millions times better with a few simple words. You had this ability to always make me smile, despite always being the reason I was upset. I miss the stupid little hairs that grew on the insides of your arm and your little belly chuckle and I miss the way you would apologise to me a million times over for ruining everything and trying to justify it with absurd reasoning. I miss the cold nights when you'd wrap your jacket around me and we'd swap stories and your hugs that could squeeze the life straight out of me. I miss the long drives in your stupid old pick up truck with the sun burning my face and you singing all the words to songs that I never knew but could never forget. You were all my firsts and so many of my lasts, but you were undoubtedly everything to me and I probably would have let you continue to be for the rest of my life if you didn't take yourself out of the equation.

And so I miss you, more that I could ever explain, more than I have ever missed anyone in my entire life. I miss you like I miss the stars when I look up at a dark night sky and sometimes I wonder what I would give up to have a guarantee that everything between us could have worked out. But I have no way of knowing, do I? I never had a chance of knowing a god damn thing with you because you were a giant book of secrets and fallacies that I finally unravelled for you. Maybe you weren't ready to have all your secrets realised into this big world that is always waiting to swallow you whole, but I will never apologise for making you feel real and raw. Because for a few years there, you were finally real and you were alive. Wasn't that so much better than being submerged for all this time?

I have so many questions to ask you, so many things to tell you and so so much that I need your help with. But you are gone and things are never going to be the same again. You changed me more than I could ever explain and catapulted me into this world alone before I was nearly ready. I miss you. I wonder if you feel the same.