It gives me thrills to wind you up.

Does having an on-call team of 24 hour stylists make us perfect?
Wrong.
What makes us perfect can only be found within ourselves and our actions.
What you see isn't a fraction of what you'll get...

Cheatttt,

Sensitive, it's true, alligator tears cried over you.

Relentless, yes it's true, my motormouth runs over you.
Rattled yes, it's true, alligator tears spilled over you.
Run around on me, sooner die without.
-Tegan and Sara

Unhindered Sight

Up until yesterday it is almost like I have been standing in the dark, in my own bubble if you will.
This bubble I have stood in had an almost selective hearing as I would not allow anything to penetrate the naive last few months that I had been living deliriously in my own world, full of only the truths I chose to accept.

However through the last couple of weeks this bubble became increasingly weaker as the delicate layers surrounding it grew thinner, shot with more stories and what I believed to be lies, up until yesterday in which I had discovered were actually the truth.

And yesterday;
The last and final layer of my bubble was stripped away carefully by one of my lovely, insightful friends that believed it was time for me to dwell back within the realms of realistic truths as I was only continuing to hurt myself.

So now, my bubble is gone. I am back in the world of truth where my naivety is played upon and the rumours and stories can get to me, and they hurt. However, as these truths unfold everything begins to make more sense and I can now see that the only person that was being damaged by shielding the truths was indeed myself.

When your bed is empty do you really sleep alone?

Image: Juan Felipe Rubio

I think not wise one, I think not.
Actually I don't think I'm ever truly alone & I love love love that ;)

I'm beginning to prove everyone wrong again, on my own and stand strong once again.
I miss the old me, and I am welcoming myself back with arms wide open <3

Smile.

"I love that you make me want to be a better person, I love that you make me want to try to look better, be smarter, richer, stronger... You inspire me to greatness and to be who I am, and you inspire me to inspire you. Each day, I can feel us getting stronger, going further, understanding more. I stand behind you in each decision you make, even when I disagree. I see and appreciate all the great things that you do for me, and I hope you always remember that. I notice every little thing about you. Sometimes that can be annoying, I know, but for most of the time I am just seeing the way that you look at me, or the way that you go that extra mile to make me happy."


This is so perfect.

What he wants;

"The thing I want tonight: You.
You and me.
You, me, and an entire day for us to spend together,
any way we choose."

Such is Life.

Around this time last year, I would be constantly told that I had the emotional capacity of a rock. I didn't cry often and I used to block out bad things that happened. If something or someone aggravated me, I'd cut it or them out of my life and that would be the end of the story. However this year, I have been told on many occasions I have too many emotions to keep up with.

So where do I draw the line? Where is this invisible barrier that allows me to have emotions, but not too many?

I guess we all change. People feel so compelled to point out to us when we do change like it might have slipped by unnoticed, so maybe my change was that I actually stopped blocking out what I couldn't accept and started to care.
Does this make me a bad person? I wouldn't believe so but that is not for me to judge, it is simply for me to live by.

However, I like the person I am becoming. Sure I lost a fair few people along the way, but like I have been told from day one, those who mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind.

You win some, you lose some... and such is life.

Time Passes...

This doesn’t mean anything has eased though. In a few days, the one year anniversary will pass since you were last with us. One year will pass, and we will move into the second year without you. I still don’t believe everything happens for a reason though, but I am so sick of death being decorated with these happy cliches.

I’d still like to believe you're in a nicer place now, being everything you ever wished to be. It is simply impossible to ask that an equally amazing person comfort us, that burden is too big for anyone to hold. I miss you everyday. I miss thinking about the way we used to giggle about inappropriate things at the dinner table and the things you would say to me that no one else could get away with. I miss the way you always seemed so incredibly happy, even when you weren’t. I miss your ability to put a smile on every face in the room simply by being there.
There are no two ways around accepting the truth but if it was possible, I’d take back everything to go back to October of last year and change the circumstances. I’d tell you how much you meant and how much I love you.

Regardless of the years that roll through, nothing will change. You will always be the same person, and you will never be in our midst again. Thank you for the one billion things you did for me, changing me into a better person that was able to smile, even if only for you. One in a million, resting peacefully forever.

“Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am the thousand winds that blow,

I an the diamond glints on snow,

I am the sunlight and the ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning hush,
I am the swift upflinging rush
of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft star shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die.”

Love Always.

Stealth?

This is a joke.
My name and stealth should never be placed in the same sentence together.
I will eventually learn that sneaking and snooping should also never go together when associated with me due to my lack of stealth.
Today, I am beginning to learn a few more of these so-called 'valuable life lessons'.

Dear Blogspot;

It has come to my recent attention that I contradict myself a lot.
No; this does not make me a hypocrite or any of the other stereotypes you might attempt to categorise me into, it's just that I try so hard to convince myself of something and then after some semi-concious realisation, I find out just how wrong I am.
Denial maybe?...
That's something to think about.
We are all waiting for something. The question is, how long are we willing to wait?
Answer me that...

Learning...

"I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun...
I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call.
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all.
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you,
This is what I have to do.
Because I dont know who I am without you; all I know is that I should.
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you; all I know is that I should.
Because she will love you more than I could,
She who dares to stand where I stood..."


I am beginning to assume that learning how to say good-bye is going to be about the hardest thing I am going to have to do. Thanks for describing my life Missy Higgins, good job.

A Forever Type of Thing.

Not that I ever believed I was perfect, or even anything in the close radius of perfect; but today I realised just how imperfect I am.

On the plus side, I also discovered the loyalty of those who see these little imperfections and stand by me. I must admit I am incredibly lucky when it comes to the people I have around me.
Despite the few rotten eggs that have come and gone, a solid core have never left my side against all my flaws and faults.
Anyone that knows me well, knows just how many mistakes I have made in my time; far more than my fair share to be frank, especially of late.
To my best friends, heroes and angels who have always looked over and out for me, I really don't know how you have done it.. I am eternally grateful to you and the thousands of times you have reminded me of who I truly am.
My infinite and unconditional love, always.

Going...gone.

Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out.



I've finished waiting.

Wine Making...

If this picture was going to be symbolic, or metaphoric, or whatever crap they force feed us these days, I would be the grapes getting squashed as you stomped all over me.

I hope your pleased with yourself for obtaining all that you ever aimed to achieve, despite how many people you may have trodden on to reach this state of pleasure.

And now I am blaming myself, because I find that more fulfilling than blaming you when you won't care. Thank you for coming in and turning my world on its head, changing the way I saw myself and those around me and changing my perspective on life in general. Thank you for taking my heart and squashing it like a thousand grapes for a winery.
You got what you wanted, then you walked away just as you planned.
Congratulations, I hope this feels great.

Oh dear.

Wishing somehow you were near, 'cause I am withering alone.
You arrived and ordered stout, I stared in wordlessness
I just kept noticing your mouth, and how your face just fit
Into every aching void, in what I've always missed some way.

This is tougher than I thought,
Holding you the grace I've caught,
'Cause you're made of everything I want,
and I am ringing you out.

Like a morning bell, I am ringing you out.
Like the kitchen rags of God, I am ringing you out.
Like my voice across the hills, I am ringing you out.

I am water on your feet,
You are everything to me,
You are everything to me,
And I am ringing you out.

Words so perfect.
Hmm Justin Vernon; you are simply amazing.

The Unattainable Mr. Perfect?

I'm growing a little bit tired of naming all these mannerisms that this "Mr. Perfect" will hold.

I'm growing a bit tired of this because everything that I seem to be seeking is either a trait or quality that you possess and it's really getting me everywhere but forward.

This charade isn't so fun anymore, because no matter how much I twist the rules and look for a couple more loopholes, I can't seem to find a way that will leave me coming out on top.
Boy, oh boy.

Confrontation

Can be a great thing...sometimes.
When you get more than an "I-Don't-Know" anyway.

If You'd Call Me Now Baby, I'd Come Running.

I was almost beginning to believe myself when I kept saying I was over you.

Damn reality crashes hard sometimes. I had almost convinced everyone, including myself.

Shame.

I thought that you would be easy to box away in the back of my mind, but like the one million times before, you proved me wrong. Instead you sit, always present, in the front of my mind. And just when I have almost forgotten you for a few minutes, something always feels the consistent need to remind me; Bon Iver, certain smells, that run-down petrol station, driving over the same streets and that certain feeling reserved for you.

So now I’m just waiting, not so patiently, for the day when I will be able to believe myself when I say that I’m over it; the day when that won’t be changed every time you utter a word or look my way.

They've Got Private Lawns and Public Paths.

As I stare at this blank document, I think I have nothing to write. I guess that’s a lie though as more than one thousand things come to my head that I could be writing about. I’ve never been stumped of what to write, more how to. I listen to some lyrics and read a few blogs. It amazes me how such a feeling of contentment can transcend from a mere few verses or paragraphs. To an extent, I find myself looking subtly for that same feeling of pure contentment that is so clearly conveyed by these writers. But I know even if I was to find it, I would never be able to articulate it quite as clearly as they have.

The question I ask though, is do we settle for less, and become content within it? Is this the real nature of becoming a content being? If so, maybe I prefer this feeling of dissatisfaction. I may aim too highly and seek for too much, and although this is a near recipe for failure and disaster and an almost certain way to ensure I am never content, I like that I have never stopped trying for more.

Does this make me selfish and over-ambitious? Well quite possibly I guess. But it is definitely not boring. I refuse to settle and one day, when/if something amazing happens that manages to fill me with a sense of over-whelming and powerful contentment, then maybe I’ll stop looking. Because, evidently only then will I have found what I was never truly looking for.

Bittersweet;

You're so nice and you're so smart,
You're such a good friend,
I'll have to break your heart.
I'll tell you that I love you;

Then I'll tell your world apart.
Let's pretend I didn't tear your world apart.

- Kimya Dawson

Around The Riverbend.

I discovered that alas, It really does not matter how many times we fall down, But how many times we get up again; that is the true test of our character.

We can fight for so long for something we have set our sights upon, but what happens when we don't get it, do we walk away thinking of what could have been? Or do we fight and give it another chance, knowing that if we don't we will spend the next however many years thinking about what could have been if we had given it one last shot.

Due to this revelation, I have today decided that I will not give up and be upset by the things that may have not gone my way, but instead fight for those that could. Giving up has been removed from my options list (:
I am standing on the edge of something big and it's highlighted those people who are ready to take a leap of faith with me.

Hardknock.

Last night I discovered that the hardest words to say are not "I love you", not even "I'm Sorry".
The hardest words to say are simply "Good-bye".

Goodbye wrenches at your insides when there is an attached notion of finality associated with it. It isn't the simply see-you-later that we hope for, but the fact of having your last ever two words with someone.

I am not good at goodbyes.

Perseverance.

I wish I could stop choosing you over everybody else,
It's the last thing you deserve.

Offically

Part of this big bad world!

Replay;

I want more than anything to see you right now,
Just so you can make it seem less scary and tell me everything is going to be alright.
And I would do just about anything to have your perfect arms wrapped around me.
I hate the way this all turned out.

The End of an Era

My babies;
our roadtrips, our suntans, our jigging, our adventures, our secrets, our dramas, our whinging, our hugs, our photos, our feasts, our feelings, our favourites, our hates, our stalking, our schemes, our gossips.

The way we have always been there for each other. Going to SMSHS was the best decision I have ever made in my life. Although it was only two short years... they were the best two years of my life.
Carla, Clare, Hann and Eli, you four have made this year what it is. It couldn't have been any better. You are all irreplaceable. Thankyou for sharing this amazing journey with me.
I love you all so much.