Tainted Sight

It seems I have this tendancy to ruin everything that I have going for me. Why can't I just keep my mouth shut, just one time. Like bandages, covering more than just the scrapes and bruises from my past regrets, the ignorance of others treats me far more kindly than the failure to accept my past.

Although, I can't help but hear a corny family sitcom voice in my head, drilling into me that a friend is no friend at all if a friend cannot accept another friends flaws, I know that even through acceptance the vision cast upon me becomes tainted.

Thank you

"For every last bruise you gave me, for every time I sat in tears, for the million ways you hurt me I just want to tell you this: You broke my world, messed up my dreams, made me strong; Thank you. You could of had it all, it could of been so right.. I would of given you everything, morning through night. You taught me some lessons, those are my blessings and that won't happen again, Thank you."

-Thank you, Jamelia

Done and Dusted

I can't really make you love me.

End of the Line

i know i fucked up,

but I DO NOT DESERVE ANY OF THIS!

The Best Kind of Friend

My friend who I value so dearly, who I hold so close to my heart and now motives are being questioned.

It may be my insecurities flaring up once again, but when scruitinized, I realise that insecurites do not flare without some subconcious reasoning. I know people, including yourself are looking for answers but I am not entirely sure what I want from you at the moment but I do know that I don't want to be questioned about it and that I dont want to loose you because right now you are one of the few people I can still bare to be around.

I might test your patience and challenge boundaries but I was never one for following standardised societal rules apparently. I apologize for being a heavy complication that you could easily be without and I apologize for being far more than you bargined for in addition to all that excess baggage I that I come along with.

And conversely, I thank you for being a truely amazing friend, thank you for calling me and finding me everyday, making a concious effort to make sure sure that I'm having a bearable day and that I'm doing alright. I thank you for taking my heart, like my other best friends, keeping it safe, guarding and repairing it.

I'm unsure as to how I managed to gain another amazing friend but I hope with everything in me that you aren't going anywhere any time soon. I'm getting used to your constant presence in my daily life and I love having you around.

Sigh

Every us;

Every me and every you.

All our lies;

our fights and our tantrums.

All the people;

The ones that say you're no good for me.

All the ones;

Who point out to me this isn't worth it.

It's not them;

It is me and you.

This is what we have created,

Our own little mess.

An entanglement we can't seem to free ourselves from.

But if I could tell you one thing;

It would be that I wouldn't rather be tangled with anyone else.

I could not give this up,

not in a millions years.

Raising my White Flag

I won't admit what we both know and we won't admit I can't let go.

It always me that you've left behind, and it's always been me that you've run back to, continually. Do you think that between us we will ever cut all the bullshit, the crap and the drama and just be happy? Or is it always going to be a constant battle of extreme highs and disapperances. I wonder if you've ever noticed I have never, ever come after you, so don't blame me for ruining your life, or the fact you cant hold a different relationship or the fact that no one has been able to figure you out quite as well as I managed to.
Even if it has never been me that chased you, I still love you with my whole heart, like I told you last night, and time and time before. I'm just too head strong and egotisitical to swallow my pride and demand you change your ways.

I won't admit what time has shown and we won't admit that you only want what you can't have.

Times Ticking

I hate that it ended the way it did. But you got the last word, exactly the way you always wanted it to be; the way you tried to make it so, so many times. Does it count, having the last word, when I wasn't given the opportunity to speak?

I couldn't begin to explain the amount I miss you, your constant presence and your complete consumption of my life. I didn't think it was possible to let someone in the way I did with you, and I also believed it to be humanly impossible to hurt people the way you did, so I guess I was proved wrong on several occasions.

There's a certain level of faith in me that believes you'll come back and apologise for everything you did soon, and although this level is diminishing at a rapid pace, it would be a lie for me to say I am happy you are out of my life. There isn't a single thing I wouldn't give up to sort out this nonsense.

Thank you for the best and worst months of the 18 years of my life. A little piece of me will be tucked away, yours forever.

Lets Be

Just take my hand and tell me its going to be okay. Tell me all those little things you say to keep my mind full. Be the beginning and be the end. Be the glass half full; not half empty. Be all the things you promised you would. Be in arms reach, but far enough away so I know what's missing. Be patient when I'm in a mood. Be yourself, because you're perfect. Be everything you hope to be, and then some more. Be my friend and be my safety net. Be the smile that wrinkles my eyes. Be my happy days and be my comfort on the bad ones. Be my favourite blanket. Be my punching bag. Be the one I run to. Be my favourite. Be my always and be my forever. Just be; be here; here with me. Lets just be, be us.

A Blind Beginning

I've got to admit that it's kind of funny that you've been one of my closest friends for a while now and the way we've always laughed at the people that who'd assume we were anything otherwise. And now we are both sort of realising that maybe it is becoming more, and how easily it could work out if either of us were willing to make that first step that would inevitably either ruin an amazing friendship or help it develop into something greater than we can think of. The only thing left to question is whether it is worth the risk of ruining something already so valuable and precious.

It's rather funny how unexpectidly things can change with certain people.

Slight Discovery

It took me a long time to learn that if someone is willing to cheat with you, they are most likely to cheat on you. Just thought I should share my rather obvious daily discovery.

Real.Lies

I hate, hate, hate the way that everytime I imagine myself with someone new, even just to humour myself, my mind always ends up circling back to him. It's all one big comparison of which anyone could beat hands down, so how come no one comes close? How come he can tell lie after lie, cheat, hurt, betray, and be so sickingly sweet and still have this massive hold over me that allows none other to come too close. This is the most painfully frustrating feeling I've ever experienced.

Even though its over, done and dusted, I manage to uncover a new lie everyday.

God, I was so blind.

Taking My Own Leaf

I seldom take my own advice.

Subconciously, I believe I have known this all along, but it wasn't until tonight during a heart-to-heart conversation with one of my closest friends, that I realised I had been heavily advising him to avoid a situation that I had already secretly landed myself in head-first.

Do I really disapprove of my choices that much? Probably not, and in saying that would I make them again? Hell yes. But conversly, I'd go so differently about it.

However, with my new spin on life for the week, I must realise that I am not a pencil writing my life with an attached eraser. My decisions, commonly viewed as mistakes, cannot be altered or removed and thus I can only grow from what has happened and decide from today, whether I am going to let it hold me back in fear of surfacing the past, or grow from my experiences, move on and become a stronger person for it.

I think the answer is evident!

Memory Bank

I figure that my mind is like my phone inbox.

In each of them, I've saved all these messages that I refuse to delete but will not let myself read. My mind, it holds all these memories that are too painful to think about but I refuse to let myself forget.

But today, I found that in refusing to let myself think of these memories, they've started to slip. And now I am filled with this immense feeling of fear. I'm scared that I will forget what it feels like to have your chin resting on top of my head, the patterns of your stupid contradictory tattoos that I loved, how angry you'd get when I'd fall asleep, or the way you would make me so completely infuriated because you knew as soon as I began to sulk, your big smiley kisses could take away all the bad from my world. Most of all, I think I'm scared I'm never going to feel about anyone the same way again, and I hate you for leaving this massive gap to fill and I hate you for not caring enough when I need you too.

The dilemma to solve; do I keep these memories and come to terms with them fading, or delete them all together and take the rip-off-the-bandaid route of short but servere pain?

Chase

For the first time I've been able to see what I should have seen way back when you let me in.

I know I made a mistake and I know I hurt you, but I promise from now on in I will make one hell of a concerted effort to win you back. I know its going to take a whole year's supply of my patience but I think you could be worth it.

Disappear

I think that I've lost it and I think I've lost you.

I think this is my blessing in disguise. And from now on in, I promise to be so much more careful about what I wish for.

Granted

"He was in the habit of taking things for granted; Granted, there wasn't much for him to take. And the only thing constant was the constant reminder he'd never change.

She was in the habit of reapplying makeup; Makeup eaten up by crocodile tears.And the only thing constant was the constant reminder she'd never change"

-You Owe Me an IOU

Perfectly Stated

There is no other words to explain. If you want me in your life figure out a way to put me there; I'm done trying.

Active Seconds

Those minutes where I am alone, just me and my pillow, I think. A lot. I think about everything, anything. It varies from random significants, to insignificants, to those who broke my heart to those of whom I broke. I think about the people that deserve apologies and the ones who will never get them. The room is so quiet and somehow my mind is so loud. It's enough to send someone insane because these things that I would usually not think about, I think about. Sometimes I hate it because it brings up thngs I rather never think of again. The split seconds before I succumb to sleep each night are the most active seconds of my life.

Opposites Attracting

You are so beautiful, and charming, and complete, and steady.

I'm fragile, and indecisive, and broken, and hysterical.

How does someone like you find the patience to deal with me. How does someone like me get lucky enough to be blessed with you.

I don't see how it will, but hell I hope this works out ♥

Coming To Terms

I don't know who I am anymore.

Life's Contradictions

How contradictory, also; how completely me!
I love being alone. I love being with other people who share that same love. However I never truely understood, if we all love being alone so much, why is it that we are always together. If you ask me, being alone together really isn't being alone at all.
Maybe that's what I like about it, knowing that even though I could cope, I'll never truely be alone.

Forever, A Scary Place

I love this image an insane amount, I could perhaps recite it word for word. I like being able to identify core pieces of myself within someone elses work. It gives you a fleeting sense of connection, sometimes even when you are feeling most abandoned.

The Way Starbucks See's It

I failed to realise how smart the blurbs have become on the outer sides of the Starbucks cups. It's funny to think one single word such as "Hi" could impact so directly on your life. One of the most thought provoking quotes I've stumbled across recently with a few exceptions. Well done Starbucks and Augusteen Burroughs for providing me with an increasingly challenging morning, I'm most impressed.

P.S I thought deeply about every person I greeted or smiled at today. You never know what relation looms (:

Today,

I started writing again, my poetry. I was completely oblivious to just how much I missed it. It's funny how even though you can have such a large absence from something, it can still be the most natural thing in the world.

A Lighter Load

I guess the memo slipped by unnoticed when all the other thoughts fled my head only to be replaced by you. My head was consumed of you, similar to my life, my heart and my plans. It's a shame it didn't work out. Maybe everyone's ridiculous cliches are right, and maybe one day you will look back and realise how much I care for you and what you could have had. In the meantime, I'll fill this humungous gap you left behind and seal up all the holes you made in me. I wish I was a big enough person to wish you well.

Unsaid

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

One hundred thousand words would not begin to explain what I am trying to say, so I sing myself to sleep, listening to words conveyed so delicately, which describe everything in a more meaningful way. So until I can find the right words to correct my faults, I'll stay silent, like the coward I'm avoiding becoming.

Drawing Similarities

"Ok. You fuck me, then snub me. You love me, you hate me. You show me a sensitive side, then you turn into a total asshole. Is this a pretty accurate description of our relationship."

Now I know I should be one hundred percent worried/concerned when a quote from Fight Club, such as this, describes my life perfectly in less than 35 words.
Has everything really boiled down to this one point of your constant mood changes, or have I just stopped being so completely oblivious as people begin to show me the way we deserve to be treated?

Unreal vs Real: Palahniuk

"The unreal is more powerful than the real. Because nothing is as perfect as you can imagine it. Because its only intangible ideas, concepts, beliefs, fantasies that last. Stone crumbles. Wood rots. People, well, they die. But things as fragile as a thought, a dream, a legend, they can go on and on. If you can change the way people think. The way they see themselves. The way they see the world. You can change the way people live their lives. That's the only lasting thing you can create."

-Chuck Palahniuk

What I'd Give

To feel this solid and have this much faith in someone

Change

How can something so inevitable and neccessarcy, such as change, cause such an emotional rollercoaster at any given moment.

It's this type of change, the change that comes without warning that we are all afraid of. We know that it is bound to happen, as change is more constant than we'd like to acknowledge, however this doesn't make it any more bearable.
For the first time in my life, I am so, so completely sick of change and for once, just this one time, I wish things could just stay as they are.

Good things rarely last.