I swore I felt his heart beat.

Sometimes, I feel so lost; I hide under the blankets, allowing myself to believe that when I re-emerge you will be there, smiling your condescendingly sweet smile, lecturing me for wasting a beautiful day in bed. You'd argue with me until we'd stumble over own our stupidities and then you would surrender, crawling into bed too so that my face could find that familiar crook between your jaw and shoulder that felt like home and everything, at least for a little while, would feel okay. 

But I lift those covers and reality comes rolling in. You aren't there, everything isn't okay and then I have to remind myself that this is what I asked for.

Sometimes, I feel so lost. You were the map to my decisions. 

Life is easy with eyes closed.

Relocation

I'm going to work my ass of for a while, and I am going to get out of here. I need change.

Always, love.

Today, I eliminated the last point of contact that I held with the person who has been the biggest part of my life for the last two years. A lot of people in my life will roll their eyes and tell me that it is about time I let go of the person who has caused so, so much damage in my life, but I guess they never really got the full story.

I'm not going to pretend that what we had was the very worst thing that happened to me, because the truth is that we were golden, even if it was for a short time. But like everything golden, it eventually begins to fade. We have made so many attempts to salvage what was once there, that I fear we have begun to tarnish the memory of some of the happiest times of my life.

This is one of the hardest things I have ever done, but tonight something changed and I realised that I am stuck when I am with you, and that is my biggest fear. I need to be constantly moving forward. I love you, and I have no doubt that I will always love you, and one day I will probably regret letting you go. But for now, I am trying to be someone I have neglected to be for two years.

I'm on my own now, and I have never felt more alone.
Somehow, I don't think this is a bad thing.

My heart is too big, and yours too black

Sometimes, I loved you. Sometimes, I sat in awe of you. And all the other times I was completely infatuated by you. I knew better than to accept things for face value but there was a magic about you that taught me to believe you were worth the benefit of my doubt. Deception is a priceless thing and you used it skillfully to your advantage. I apologised for ruining something you had worked hard on for seven years, but not one ounce of regret has fallen from your lips as you ruined something I had worked hard on for the best part of nineteen years.

Evidently, everything appears different in hindsight. I can see now that my heart was too big, and yours too black. I would have taken all your run-ons and disappointed stares for the rest of my life if I knew it could have made you happy and you haven't even managed to think twice about the consequences you laid on me when you walked into my life and destroyed everything I stood for.

I know the blame does not rest solely with you, but you should have considered the long term before you dove into these shallow, shallow waters.
I am not the only broken one.

Scar Tissue

'Scar tissue that I wish you saw, sarcastic mister know it all. Close your eyes and I'll kiss you 'cause with the birds I'll share this lonely view'
-Red Hot Chili Peppers

Hands down, one of the greatest songs of all time. Spare yourself some time and listen to it before you sleep tonight.

Simple Sweetness

Your fingers filled the gaps between mine and it felt like home.. Somewhere within you, I found the security and comfort that I had been searching for for the longest time and even though I can't find the right words, I think it is important for you to know how incredibly lovely I think you are. Thank you for placing one hell of a smile on my face.

I must quit you.

If a girl is stupid enough to love you after you broke her heart, I guarantee you, she's the one.

Rest

Time has a peculiar way of showing us what really matters. I can kid myself into believing that I do not miss you, but I know that I am never going to feel this way about anybody ever again.
There is always a strange feeling that lingers when you are about to leave a place for the last time, knowing that if you ever return, something will be different.
I find myself experiencing the same feeling as I drive between the streetlights, leaving you behind. I know that I will not only miss you and everything that we whispered to each other in the shadows of the night, but I will miss the person that I was when I was with you, so infatuated by your magic and the secrets we held, because I will never be that person again.
I folded my secrets into the palms of your hands and held you close as you set them free into this cold world. I smiled secretly to myself because I knew that they were free in a way that we could never be. You filled all the spaces in-between my gaps and you didn't seem mind that I was broken and missing pieces. You would hold me and tell me I was beautiful and special and you could always catch my tears before they managed to fall.
I hope you are startled by this life sometimes. I hope it changes you the way you have changed parts of me that you never saw. This life is so exceptional and rare and even if it is the only thing I am certain of, I know I am never going to feel this way about anybody ever again.

Nothing new...

If I could have anything in this world right now, it would be you

Hallelujah

"I did my best, it wasn't much. I couldn't feel so I tried to touch. I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you"
-Hallelujah

Amen

Try and explain how this isn't one of the most wonderfully clever movies you've seen ♥

What's Next?

Being realistic, all of this comes down to loneliness and being afraid. That’s why I write, because I am scared, because I am alone and it’s scary. I am constantly running in a big circle heading nowhere in particular. What do I want my life to be about? I still have no clue. I’m getting old and I’m growing up, and with every year that passes I find myself more terrified of committing to anything. I wonder if I am just running my way out of choosing something when really it does not matter all that much what I choose, as long as I give it myself to it completely. I either stay still because I am afraid of taking another wrong step or I throw myself completely at all the wrong things. How many times have I realised that in order to be happy all I need is love and caring and understanding and intimacy? I know what I need to be happy; I just haven’t met them yet. My biggest problem, I can’t settle for second best. That’s my real fear. I am always waiting for something better to come along.

Come on,

Who made your day and did you thank them?
Steve! I was diagnosed with pneumonia last night, with the possibly of a punctured lung, and anyone who knows me well knows what this means for me. Today, I woke up to this message: "omg PRINCESS. Take it easy. If you need anything let me know, mouth to mouth, heart massage? Get well baby", plus a long series following this that kept a lovely smile on my face all day haha.

What did you do today to make you feel proud?
Managed to keep breathing, which for those of you with damaged lungs and pneumonia, know exactly how hard that can be!

Name something you liked about your day?
I made a whopping profit of $350 out of my sickness as I had to sell my music festival tickets for Saturday.

Name something you disliked about your day?
Selling my tickets.
The inability to breath easily.
An old friend getting a tattoo I'm unsure about, but it could be more that I am unsure about him, not the tattoo.

What has been the song of the day for you?
I Wont Be Left - Tegan and Sara. Seems applicable.

Always beautiful on the saddest of days.

Reality

It's been a weird few days since I last wrote. I got myself stranded on Saturday night in the big, bad city and found myself in pretty serious need of rescue. It's interesting actually, to see who I could count on when it came down to it. They say sometimes you need to whisper to see who is listening, and I guess sometimes you need to danger yourself to learn who is really there. I sat up till the early hour of 4.30am on Sunday morning, talking to Joel, who came to my rescue. We talked about everything and anything and that conversation happened to be everything that I wasn't aware I needed.

Which led me to last night, where I had the blow up that I have been waiting to have for the last two years. A lot was said by both myself and J that had been evidently bottled for far too long. Of course we came to the same round about conclusion, but we are now in clean air which makes more difference than i could ever explain to you properly.

In the last 102 hours, I have gained about 10 hours sleep. My emotions are running high and my body fuel is at an all-time low, so I am putting this needy mind to rest and will resume posting tomorrow.

Take care bloggers

Next move

I always get a phone call that changes everything. Just once, I'd like to be clear on where I stand. I will not tolerate anymore bullshit.

cwm.

The third day of every month, the day I despise and wish to skip. It's a pity that my birthday falls on third of next month, but I didn't expect you to know that. Perhaps that was the one thing I may have learnt from you, not to expect anything, because I never would have expected that someone so seemingly humble as yourself would have been willing to put me through what you did. You lifted me up above cloud nine and then left me to fall further than I had been in a long time. The worst part was that you did it without looking back. Surely I shouldn't have expected that. I find it easiest to blame myself, purely because I believe you'd disregard any blame I put on to you. And despite all of the things I hate you for, you still have one massive and crucial part of me. I'm too scared to say the things that are worth saying to you anymore, because I know you have chosen to take an alternative path and I know that we fight and seem to be friends less than we are strangers these days, but I love you and I accept that. Perhaps that was the difference that I had to learn.
I know now the difference between loving someone and being in love with them.
I am aware that none of this makes sense, but we never made sense so I am not going to edit it because it is raw and that was all we ever were; raw emotions.
I hate everything about the way this turned out.
Happy 3rd of the month CWM, make your wish.

G.

I remember how much I liked it when you were the first person I saw in the morning and the way you would know exactly how I felt without having to say one word. I liked that we could communicate emotions and feelings between ourselves in a wordless language that could not be done through people and their words. We were always very different, and perhaps that is what I liked most. I never took you for granted, and as was pointed out to me two nights ago, I have always admired you for everything you are and everything that you are not, something that is so very rare and unique. I need you as my friend even though I feel like we are connected through something entirely different. You know me better than anyone, through no fault of your own, and have accepted all my flaws and malfunctions, thus deserving an award itself, but I will not risk screwing this up. You once told me that soul mates aren't meant to be together; that to have such a mirror of yourself was destructive and dangerous to anyone who couldn't handle it with the caution it needed. I have never been good with caution, but I do know that you are good with me, and that I will not take any action that may destruct us. You are the strongest person I have ever know, but you make me weak weak weak.

Fizzlesticks.

Who made your day and did you thank them?
Heids! We went out for dinner and had the loveliest night at Toscani’s. Had a brilliant catch up and confided all my horrible stories and secrets to her and immediately felt relieved. Of course I thanked her :)

What did you do today to make you feel proud?
Pleasantly faced and greeted two people whom I had wished to never see again.

Name something you liked about your day?
I got my cuddles from Steve, haha. His smile is so infectious that it immediately took me out of my irritable mood.

Name something you disliked about your day?
The principle of “trust no-one” was reiterated to me once again today :(

What has been the song of the day for you?
Clap Your Hands – Sia. Purely because I belt this song out numerous times daily, but today I seemed to give it some extra belting and I seem to be perfecting it

Where Do You Look?

"And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it"
-Roald Dahl

I found it & let it slip away. I best start looking again.

Here & Now

It is always someday, never now. I am sick of these endless promises; agreements upon days that will never come. I want to wrap my arms and legs around you, sink my fingernails in and hold on for dear life because I am so scared that at any moment you may just slip away like those who have slipped before you. I will not give way to the questions in my mind, I refuse to apologise for wanting to keep something so very wonderful.

Average Annie

Who made your day and did you thank them?
Big G, my Gary (has been mentioned previously in this blog), who went to extreme lengths tonight to explain what I meant to him, which was awfully nice, unexpected and overwhelming. If ever I meet a man with such a big heart I will be flawed. Yes, I thanked him profusely and in turn, told him that I did not plan on going anyway, even though he reiterated that he would never let that happen anyway. So much love for this man.

What did you do today to make you feel proud?
Nothing major to be honest. I ran for a fair while today, which made me feel good, but there is a big difference between feeling good and feeling proud.

Name something you liked about your day?
I purchased even more clothes which, if you saw my wardrobe, would know is ridiculous and I got paid, which is always fabulous.

Name something you disliked about your day?
I found out what a horrible week Steve and Heidi have been having and felt so guilty that I was not there, although it isn’t plausible for me to be.

What has been the song of the day for you?
Sea of Love – Cat Power. It relates fairly well at the moment, and it is suiting my settling mood tonight.