It's not who you think you are that holds you back, its who you think your not.

For a long time I tried to be everything you needed me to be, everything you all needed me to be because I was scared of the consequences may be otherwise. I was afraid to be alone and I let my fear lead me to become a stranger to myself. I was blindsided by the sweet nothings that I believed I couldn't be without and was willing to sacrifice myself in order for short-term happiness. My Gran, the most intuitive woman I have ever known, once told that I had to plant my own garden and decorate my soul instead of waiting for someone else to bring me flowers and it would be a great discredit to a wonderfully wise woman if I chose to ignore some of the most perspicacious words I've ever heard. And so I ask silently for the grace and balance that I need to overcome this and move forward to the person I promised myself to be. 

I said that I was afraid to be alone, it is still my very biggest fear but sometimes you have to stand alone, to make sure than you still can.   

Free your inhibitions

Shame

Day 2 - Your least favorite song

Moves Like Jagger

It's probably harsh of me to pick this song, but it's been on a lot lately and it gets on my nerves. Basically i hate any rubbish song that is put out there for a sake of making a few dollars. To me, a song should tell a story about someone, something, a situation. I should be able to listen to a song a know the exact emotion that an artist has attempted to transpire. This song with a lot of similar songs in its category mean absolutely nothing, and that's a shame I think.

And no, it doesn't deserve a video post.  

Just pour a little salt, we were never here.

Day 1 - You’re favourite song
Skinny Love - Bon Iver

"I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall

And now all your love is wasted
And then who the hell was I?
And I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines"

Have you ever listened to a song and realized that your whole life was about to change?  A song that makes everything seem different, that changes something inside of you. So few people find a song that can make you feel like one day the stars you look up at in the night might simply fall into your lap, that somewhere in the deep fields of Montana there may be a person sharing the same moment with you, that all the words you have ever needed could tumble out of your mouth without second thought. It is the song that gives me in the magic of the world in an airtight jar. You'll know, automatically, if you hear the song that will alter your entire world, and this is mine.

Action

"Hope is the real killer. Hope is harmful. Hope enables us to sit still in the sinking raft instead of doing something about our situation. Forget hope. Honestly and candidly assessing the situation as it truly stands is our only chance. Instead of sitting there and "hoping" our way out of this, perhaps we should recognize that realizing the truth of our situation, even if unpleasant, is positive since it is the required first step towards real change"
-Gringo Star

Beautiful things do not just happen, either.

I counted on you

I needed you go prove to me that you were different, to show me that you weren't exactly the same. And I don't know how you did it, but you've already broken my heart.
I should know better than to give away a part of myself that I can never claim back in it's entirity.

You changed me in ways I didn't know possible

"But she did look back, and I love her for that, because it was so human. So she was turned to a pillar of salt. People aren't supposed to look back. I'm certainly not going to do it anymore"
-Kurt Vonnegut; Slaughterhouse Five

I can't remember what I'm looking for

Drained

Can you feel me when I think about you? Do you know that you still cross my mind in the silence of the night, somewhere between the parallels of consciousness and sleep? Do you know that I fight with myself constantly, promising myself that I will no longer be second best to the nameless others, but it is easy to fall back into the old patterns of the past and ex-lovers.
I am getting so tired and I think that it might just be easier to give up on all of this; to give up on you.

Would you pleasure me with an answer as to where we are to go from here on in?

My head is too full.

A day in the life

Trapped

It's dark outside and the windows have frosted over. You've been whispering your sweet nothings in my ear and life doesn't seem quite as bad as it is outside of this space we've created. Your hands rest casually on my leg and you kiss the top of my head, letting me believe that maybe everything will work out okay. 
You make me feel so lost and so alive for the first time in such a long time and I am scared that when you disappear again, I won't be alive, I will just be lost.
Quietly but completely, you've once again stolen the ground beneath me without my consent or knowledge. All I am ever doing is replaying all of these feelings that should have ended forever ago, but they cannot end while we do not allow them too. I can't not pinpoint what aches with a red rawness more; my lips or my eyes as a result of this, but I am unsure as to which I am willing to forego. 
Last night, we sat in the darkness tangled in each other, finding our breath while quietly contemplating all the things that could have been and the moonlight reflected off the water capturing your face in a glorifying beauty that I do not know. 
I am so angry at myself all the time for these silly little positions that I weasel myself into, constantly finding myself lost somewhere between emotional overdraft and deep serendipity that I cannot even tell what it is that I need anymore. I am angry that sometimes the solution is so blatantly obvious but the path is never clear. I am angry that you've gotten yourself so caught up in this nonense that you aren't sure if you can escape anymore, so you lie to yourself every god damn day and pray that a solution is going to fall into your lap. I need to believe in all of this as much as you do because we both need to know that there is something worth fighting outside this rat race.  
Maybe in a few years I'll look back and realize we were in far too deep to ever come out alive and in tact and I suppose that is the beauty behind the art of remembering which of our dreams came closest to being our reality. 
 
It's easy, like I've said before, to make mistakes when it feels like nothing else could ever matter.

Reality is.

If there is anything that I have learnt in this dull year, it is that you cannot outrun all that truth beholds, no matter how hard you try. And that scares the hell out of me.

We're too blind to see what's really in front of our eyes.

Time flies.

Two years. Two crazy, rollercoaster years hiding in the shadows of all the things that we wished we could be. Two years of screaming, cursing at all the things that fell in the gaps we'd left between us. Two years of learning how to be something that you'll miss, something that you wished you had stayed for. Two years at laughing off all of the people who had merely been simple chapters in our twisted tale. Two years of the most enchanted and incredible relationship between two people who struggled to find their way.

So many of my favorite memories are entwined around you and your sweet smile that could put any girl to shame. Millions of stolen glances whilst riding in the passenger seat next to you, weaving between the streetlights. The need to know you are right there even when your miles away.  All the slammed doors, broken promises and missed opportunities are nothing compared to everything we have been blessed enough to capture and call our own.

I never expected to be here with you after two years, but you make me pretty damn happy and despite how very much I hate you some days, it could never amount to anywhere near the capacity of the love that I have for you. 

Two years, and I still lack the words strong enough to convey all of the things that you mean to me.

Old, but forever relevant.

I cannot remeber if I posted this, but I wrote ut a little while ago and it still means quite a lot to me;

I remember you nice made a song about me, titled 'fearless with skinny wrists'. I remember a lot of good and unique things about you; things that I love, things that I crave, things that I miss and things I sometimes can't remember, covered by the vague fog that hides all the things that once were. I know that these things are starting to slip from my memory and there is nothing I want more than to lock you up in my memory and keep all this love insider but like any other drain, it's slowing dripping out, my love.