Trapped

It's dark outside and the windows have frosted over. You've been whispering your sweet nothings in my ear and life doesn't seem quite as bad as it is outside of this space we've created. Your hands rest casually on my leg and you kiss the top of my head, letting me believe that maybe everything will work out okay. 
You make me feel so lost and so alive for the first time in such a long time and I am scared that when you disappear again, I won't be alive, I will just be lost.
Quietly but completely, you've once again stolen the ground beneath me without my consent or knowledge. All I am ever doing is replaying all of these feelings that should have ended forever ago, but they cannot end while we do not allow them too. I can't not pinpoint what aches with a red rawness more; my lips or my eyes as a result of this, but I am unsure as to which I am willing to forego. 
Last night, we sat in the darkness tangled in each other, finding our breath while quietly contemplating all the things that could have been and the moonlight reflected off the water capturing your face in a glorifying beauty that I do not know. 
I am so angry at myself all the time for these silly little positions that I weasel myself into, constantly finding myself lost somewhere between emotional overdraft and deep serendipity that I cannot even tell what it is that I need anymore. I am angry that sometimes the solution is so blatantly obvious but the path is never clear. I am angry that you've gotten yourself so caught up in this nonense that you aren't sure if you can escape anymore, so you lie to yourself every god damn day and pray that a solution is going to fall into your lap. I need to believe in all of this as much as you do because we both need to know that there is something worth fighting outside this rat race.  
Maybe in a few years I'll look back and realize we were in far too deep to ever come out alive and in tact and I suppose that is the beauty behind the art of remembering which of our dreams came closest to being our reality. 
 
It's easy, like I've said before, to make mistakes when it feels like nothing else could ever matter.