Can always rely on these girls to pull me out of a funk!
Monday, April 29, 2013
To the most beautiful person I have ever known...
Dearest J,
You are the most beautiful person I have ever known, the very warmest colour and all of the coldest shades in between. You were once my entire world, and even now, you remain to be one of the largest pieces of my universe. You were very much like light, you crept in slowly, but had flooded the room before I learnt how to shut the shades and held me entirely. But just as quietly, you slipped away before I could really take notice. I look at pictures of you now and there is something so soft and familiar but there is also a lot of hurt. I used to dream of the time that all of this would be behind us, dream of all those times we spoke of running away like the cowards that we always were. Now, I fight the tears when I hear the original Phoenix demo because all I think of is being 17 and feeling as though nothing in this world could ever feel this good again. Nothing could ever be this perfect. Time is so ruthless and unforgiving. 18 and you are kissing me in the petrol station, routine before you'd fill the tank. 19 and you're telling me you will never stop loving me, no matter how far apart this life might separate us. 20 and now 21 and I still needed to believe that in the back of my mind, we would always be destined, your terrible eyebrow piercing and my belly laugh, we belonged. Our bits and pieces of nothing that were never just nothing.
It's your gentle unknowing that kills me the most. But nonetheless, I love you and I will always love you, you know that better than anyone. I wish you all the best in your new life ahead, but know that I can no longer be a part of this despite knowing that the feelings that lay between us will never rest. I will never hurt you in the ways that I did before.
Your midnight girl, your fearless with skinny wrists, your biggest mistakes
Always,
XO.
You are the most beautiful person I have ever known, the very warmest colour and all of the coldest shades in between. You were once my entire world, and even now, you remain to be one of the largest pieces of my universe. You were very much like light, you crept in slowly, but had flooded the room before I learnt how to shut the shades and held me entirely. But just as quietly, you slipped away before I could really take notice. I look at pictures of you now and there is something so soft and familiar but there is also a lot of hurt. I used to dream of the time that all of this would be behind us, dream of all those times we spoke of running away like the cowards that we always were. Now, I fight the tears when I hear the original Phoenix demo because all I think of is being 17 and feeling as though nothing in this world could ever feel this good again. Nothing could ever be this perfect. Time is so ruthless and unforgiving. 18 and you are kissing me in the petrol station, routine before you'd fill the tank. 19 and you're telling me you will never stop loving me, no matter how far apart this life might separate us. 20 and now 21 and I still needed to believe that in the back of my mind, we would always be destined, your terrible eyebrow piercing and my belly laugh, we belonged. Our bits and pieces of nothing that were never just nothing.
It's your gentle unknowing that kills me the most. But nonetheless, I love you and I will always love you, you know that better than anyone. I wish you all the best in your new life ahead, but know that I can no longer be a part of this despite knowing that the feelings that lay between us will never rest. I will never hurt you in the ways that I did before.
Your midnight girl, your fearless with skinny wrists, your biggest mistakes
Always,
XO.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Lovesong
You've carried on so long, you couldn't stop if you tried. You've built your wall so high that no one could climb it, but I'm going to try. Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?
Taking a page out of my teen days.
1: What would you name your future daughter?
Spencer Rose
2: Do you miss anyone?
Always.
3: What if I told you that you were pretty?
Computers can't speak silly.
4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?
In a round about way I suppose, although there was a bit more to the story.
5: What are you looking forward to in the next week?
Booking my accommodation in LA, NY and Chicago yeah yeah.
6: Did you go out or stay in last night?
Out... always out.
7: How late did you stay up last night?
Little past midnight.
8: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?
Haha, it's a common occurrance, I just hate clothes.
9: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?
Too drunk for my own good.
10: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?
Yes.
11: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
If I had to, yes.
12: Have you pretended to like someone?
Being civil as a friend, yes.
13: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
Undoubtedly.
14: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
Yes :)
15: Is it hard for you to get over someone?
Depending on the situation.
16: Think back five months ago, were you single?
Negative.
17: Have you ever cried from being so mad?
Yes.
18: Hold hands with anyone this week?
Yes.
19: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?
Nope, in a car.
20: Who did you last see in person?
Mummabear.
21: What is the last thing you said out lot?
"There is some on my white thing" - in relation to something in my room.
22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night?
Dirty.
23: Have you ever been to Paris?
I have, it is one of the most beautiful, fantastic places I have been.
24: Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Not in the slightest.
25: Do you use chap stick?
Everyday.
26: Who did you last share a bed with?
Emmy and Becca last night. You can never underestimate the value of good friends.
27: Are you listening to music right now?
Smash.
28: What is something you currently want right now?
Always.
29: Were your last three kisses from the same person?
Indeed.
30: How is your heart lately?
Hanging in there.
31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?
When I'm sleeping or on a plane, yes.
32: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?
Today! I saw Luke for the first time since we were in London together!
33: What do people call you?
Hann, or Hannhann or some other variation of the sort.
34: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?
Constantly, but the truth always has a way of coming out.
35: Are there any stressful situations in your life?
Life in itself is generally stressful for me.
36: What are you going to name your son?
Lincoln Clayton.
37: What is wrong with you right now?
Itchy hangover.
38: Love really is a beautiful thing huh?
It's messy.
39: Do you make wishes at 11:11?
Without fail.
40: What is on your wrists right now?
Pandora on one, my Louis Vuitton watch on the other.
41: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused/waiting for the unexpected?
Take and confused and waiting, can I be all three?
42: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing?
Indonesia, last year.
43: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?
Like I could never, ever explain.
44: Have you hugged someone within the last week?
Lots of people.
45: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?
Yes.
46: What were you doing at midnight last night?
Driving home I think.
47: Do you miss the way things were six months ago?
Things were a lot similar to the way they are now. So, not overly.
48: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
Depends who the someone else is.
49: Have you ever been to New York?
Yes, I spent Christmas and New Years Eve just gone there. And it was honestly one of the most magical times of my life.
50: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
I honestly couldn't tell you anymore.
Spencer Rose
2: Do you miss anyone?
Always.
3: What if I told you that you were pretty?
Computers can't speak silly.
4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?
In a round about way I suppose, although there was a bit more to the story.
5: What are you looking forward to in the next week?
Booking my accommodation in LA, NY and Chicago yeah yeah.
6: Did you go out or stay in last night?
Out... always out.
7: How late did you stay up last night?
Little past midnight.
8: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?
Haha, it's a common occurrance, I just hate clothes.
9: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?
Too drunk for my own good.
10: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?
Yes.
11: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
If I had to, yes.
12: Have you pretended to like someone?
Being civil as a friend, yes.
13: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
Undoubtedly.
14: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
Yes :)
15: Is it hard for you to get over someone?
Depending on the situation.
16: Think back five months ago, were you single?
Negative.
17: Have you ever cried from being so mad?
Yes.
18: Hold hands with anyone this week?
Yes.
19: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?
Nope, in a car.
20: Who did you last see in person?
Mummabear.
21: What is the last thing you said out lot?
"There is some on my white thing" - in relation to something in my room.
22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night?
Dirty.
23: Have you ever been to Paris?
I have, it is one of the most beautiful, fantastic places I have been.
24: Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Not in the slightest.
25: Do you use chap stick?
Everyday.
26: Who did you last share a bed with?
Emmy and Becca last night. You can never underestimate the value of good friends.
27: Are you listening to music right now?
Smash.
28: What is something you currently want right now?
Always.
29: Were your last three kisses from the same person?
Indeed.
30: How is your heart lately?
Hanging in there.
31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?
When I'm sleeping or on a plane, yes.
32: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?
Today! I saw Luke for the first time since we were in London together!
33: What do people call you?
Hann, or Hannhann or some other variation of the sort.
34: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?
Constantly, but the truth always has a way of coming out.
35: Are there any stressful situations in your life?
Life in itself is generally stressful for me.
36: What are you going to name your son?
Lincoln Clayton.
37: What is wrong with you right now?
Itchy hangover.
38: Love really is a beautiful thing huh?
It's messy.
39: Do you make wishes at 11:11?
Without fail.
40: What is on your wrists right now?
Pandora on one, my Louis Vuitton watch on the other.
41: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused/waiting for the unexpected?
Take and confused and waiting, can I be all three?
42: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing?
Indonesia, last year.
43: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?
Like I could never, ever explain.
44: Have you hugged someone within the last week?
Lots of people.
45: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?
Yes.
46: What were you doing at midnight last night?
Driving home I think.
47: Do you miss the way things were six months ago?
Things were a lot similar to the way they are now. So, not overly.
48: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
Depends who the someone else is.
49: Have you ever been to New York?
Yes, I spent Christmas and New Years Eve just gone there. And it was honestly one of the most magical times of my life.
50: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
I honestly couldn't tell you anymore.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Learn to love yourself before you ask the world to
Don't hold on because you think there will be no one else. There will always be someone else. You've got to believe you are worth more than being repeatedly hurt by someone who doesn't really care... and believe that someone will see what you are really worth and treat you the way you should be treated.
I know far too many people who settle for far less than they deserve.
I know far too many people who settle for far less than they deserve.
New Home
Today I found out that I will soon be moving to America for the rest of the year. Despite my hesitations and nervousness, I couldn't be more excited to get away for a decent length of time and clear all of these cobwebs from my jumbled mind. I am constantly asking myself so many questions and I know I can only get the answers once I leave this place.
Life advice
"Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick and pull yourself together"
-Liz Taylor
My standard advice for any given situation.
-Liz Taylor
My standard advice for any given situation.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Sooth.
I wish people would realise that life isn't always as bad as they believe it to be. This world can be so magical, if only you know where to look ♥
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Always
There is always going to be an us - whether we are together or not, there will always be a part of me that belongs to you. That's what you said to me, sprawled out on the kitchen floor. When you left, I convinced myself that I would fill the gaps you left behind and stave off your ghosts. I was wrong, you are always with me, in every decision I make, I know exactly what you would say to me. I know your slow smile and the creases beneath your eyes. I know your easy hands and big arms. I know you better than I've known anyone in this life and I bury pieces of you every place I have been, trying to keep your presence at bay, but you have a way of always catching up to me. I was with you during the very darkest parts of your life. I was with you crying at 2am on the freeway. I was with you when no one else dared to look for you and you know me in places that words do not go, the deepest darkest corners of my soul. One night, towards the end you asked me if I would miss you, even when nothing there is nothing to miss. I didn't understand at the time and I couldn't fathom a time I wouldn't miss you, and I still can't. Our lives have changed so much, but there isn't a day that I don't miss you and your wicked laugh, your stupid eyebrows and your pout. Like knots on a string, one knot for you and one knot for me. Despite how many other knots become between us now, despite that our knots will never quite reach other again and all these great gaps between us, I like to think that we will both be connected always. I loved you and I will love you until my very last day, even though everything is so very different now. I can't shake it. I can't shake your ghosts and all these webbed memories that shadow my every move. I love you brokenly and hopelessly.I thought you were the strongest person that I knew, but we were both so weak.
Fearless
"To me, 'fearless' is not the absence of fear. It's not being completely unafraid. To me, fearless is having fears. Fearless is having doubts, lots of them. To me, fearless is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. Fearless is falling madly in love, again, even though you've been hurt before. Fearless is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. Fearless is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again... even though every time you've tried before, you've lost. It's fearless to have faith that someday things will change. Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can't breathe without them. I think it's fearless to fall for your best friend, even though he's in love with someone else. And when someone apologises to you enough times for things they'll never stop doing. I think it's fearless to stop believing them. It's fearless to say "you're not sorry", and walk away. I think loving someone despite what people think is fearless. Letting go is fearless. Then, moving on and being alright... that's fearless too. But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after. That why I write these songs. Because I think love is fearless"
-Taylor Swift.
My guilty pleasure, how I love thee.
-Taylor Swift.
My guilty pleasure, how I love thee.
Our time here is scarce.
Do the things you used to talk about doing, but never did. Know when to let go and when to hold on tight. Stop rushing. Don't be intimidated to say it like it is. Stop apologising all the time. Learn to say no, so you yes has some oomph. Spend time with the friends who lift you up, and cut loose the ones who bring you down. Stop giving your power away. Be more concerned with being interested than being interesting. Be old enough to appreciate your freedom and young enough to enjoy it. Finally, know who you are.
Make it count, no matter if you do nothing else in your life, do something to make it count. This life is so god damn short and the seconds never stop ticking away. If you knew it would be the last time you kissed the love of your life, would you have done it differently? Nobody has the luxury of knowing when their time is about to run out. Leave your mark.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Absolute Favourite
"Travel is little beds and cramped bathrooms. It's old television sets and slow internet connections. Travel is extraordinary conversations with ordinary people. It's waiters, gas station attendants, and housekeepers becoming the most interesting people in the world. It's churches that are compelling enough to enter. It's McDonald's being a luxury. It's the realisation that you may have been born in the wrong country. Travel is a smile that leads to a conversation in broken English. It's the epiphany that pretty girls smile the same way all over the world. Travel is tipping !0% adn being embraced for it. Travel is the same white t-shirt again tomorrow. Travel is accented sex after good wine and too many unfiltered cigarettes. Travel is flowing in the back of a bus with giggly strangers. It's a street full of bearded backpackers looking down at maps. Travel is wishing for one more bite of whatever that just was. It's the rediscovery of walking somewhere. It's sharing a bottle of liqour on an overnight train with a new friend. Travel is "Maybe I don't have to do it that way when I get back home". It's nostalgia for studying abroad that one semester. Travel is realising that "age thirty" should be shed of goddamn stigma.
-Nick Miller, "Isn't it Pretty to Think So?"
This quote is my favourite. It is so accurate. The passion for travel has never been explained so well. All of my favourite memories wrapped up so simply. So much love!
-Nick Miller, "Isn't it Pretty to Think So?"
This quote is my favourite. It is so accurate. The passion for travel has never been explained so well. All of my favourite memories wrapped up so simply. So much love!
Reminiscing
I found this from a while ago... It's actually still oddly relevant.
I have questions for you that I never got a chance to ask: Do you look like you did back then? Would it make a difference anyway? Do you think of me, when you least expect it - when you're unwrapping a garden hose or tilting your face to the shower or making love to someone else? And can you leave it at that, or do you find yourself compulsively sifting through the memories? If I had been the one to leave, would you have written your heart out to me?
I have questions for you that I never got a chance to ask: Do you look like you did back then? Would it make a difference anyway? Do you think of me, when you least expect it - when you're unwrapping a garden hose or tilting your face to the shower or making love to someone else? And can you leave it at that, or do you find yourself compulsively sifting through the memories? If I had been the one to leave, would you have written your heart out to me?
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