Always

There is always going to be an us - whether we are together or not, there will always be a part of me that belongs to you. That's what you said to me, sprawled out on the kitchen floor. When you left, I convinced myself that I would fill the gaps you left behind and stave off your ghosts. I was wrong, you are always with me, in every decision I make, I know exactly what you would say to me. I know your slow smile and the creases beneath your eyes. I know your easy hands and big arms. I know you better than I've known anyone in this life and I bury pieces of you every place I have been, trying to keep your presence at bay, but you have a way of always catching up to me. I was with you during the very darkest parts of your life. I was with you crying at 2am on the freeway. I was with you when no one else dared to look for you and you know me in places that words do not go, the deepest darkest corners of my soul. One night, towards the end you asked me if I would miss you, even when nothing there is nothing to miss. I didn't understand at the time and I couldn't fathom a time I wouldn't miss you, and I still can't. Our lives have changed so much, but there isn't a day that I don't miss you and your wicked laugh, your stupid eyebrows and your pout. Like knots on a string, one knot for you and one knot for me. Despite how many other knots become between us now, despite that our knots will never quite reach other again and all these great gaps between us, I like to think that we will both be connected always. I loved you and I will love you until my very last day, even though everything is so very different now. I can't shake it. I can't shake your ghosts and all these webbed memories that shadow my every move.  I love you brokenly and hopelessly.
I thought you were the strongest person that I knew, but we were both so weak.