Dearest J,
You are the most beautiful person I have ever known, the very warmest colour and all of the coldest shades in between. You were once my entire world, and even now, you remain to be one of the largest pieces of my universe. You were very much like light, you crept in slowly, but had flooded the room before I learnt how to shut the shades and held me entirely. But just as quietly, you slipped away before I could really take notice. I look at pictures of you now and there is something so soft and familiar but there is also a lot of hurt. I used to dream of the time that all of this would be behind us, dream of all those times we spoke of running away like the cowards that we always were. Now, I fight the tears when I hear the original Phoenix demo because all I think of is being 17 and feeling as though nothing in this world could ever feel this good again. Nothing could ever be this perfect. Time is so ruthless and unforgiving. 18 and you are kissing me in the petrol station, routine before you'd fill the tank. 19 and you're telling me you will never stop loving me, no matter how far apart this life might separate us. 20 and now 21 and I still needed to believe that in the back of my mind, we would always be destined, your terrible eyebrow piercing and my belly laugh, we belonged. Our bits and pieces of nothing that were never just nothing.
It's your gentle unknowing that kills me the most. But nonetheless, I love you and I will always love you, you know that better than anyone. I wish you all the best in your new life ahead, but know that I can no longer be a part of this despite knowing that the feelings that lay between us will never rest. I will never hurt you in the ways that I did before.
Your midnight girl, your fearless with skinny wrists, your biggest mistakes
Always,
XO.
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