Small Steps

I tried to hurt you the way you hurt me, instead I find myself feeling compelled to apologise to all those whom I have inevitably hurt in this process. In turn, it was discovered that I am unable to succumb myself to meet you on the same level of utter emotionless and heartless acts that you have pursued daily.

I now believe that unveiling this distinguishing quality between us was the sign that I had been subconsciously searching for.

Not only am I now making that first step as a means of detaching myself from you, but it is also the first time that I have managed to even half convince myself that I'm going to be okay again without you.

Even though it seems like an eternity ago, I had a lifetime before you and I'm almost becoming convinced that I am going to have a better one after you; even if they are two separate worlds.

Choice

"I wanted to write about the moment when your addictions no longer hide the truth from you. When your whole life breaks down. That's the moment when you have to somehow choose what your life is going to be about."
-Chuck Palahniuk

Growth

For longer than I can count now, I have been your safety net. When things get hard, when you need someone that actually cares about you and when you are lonely it is always been me that you've found yourself running to and not once have I turned my back. I love you in such a big way that when you are still running to me after you have hurt, humilated and crushed me, I still reassure you and tell you everything is going to be okay. I tell you I still care about you and I convince you that things will eventually work out, its just become routine for us.

Now, the difference is now I don't need you so much anymore, not like you need me anyway. I found a new way too cope and I have become a stronger person since failing to depend on you to make me feel better. I learnt to cope on my own and not rely on you to give me a false pretense of hope. I have grown up, become more independent and learnt to rely on no one but myself.

Never, ever will I turn my back on you. I'll continue to be there until you stop needing me, but just know that I am slowly becoming strong enough to go on without you.

Beliefs

Amen to that, honey.

Trust

I think I'm about to make a big mistake.
I think I'm about to make a big mistake.
I think I'm about to make a big mistake.

Damage

"One more tear falling down your face doesn’t mean that much to the world. One more loss in a losing life doesn’t mean that much anymore. Let it go, the damage is in your heart."

Weezer

Awake Your Soul

"And there will come a time, you’ll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.”

-After The Storm, Mumford & Sons
♥

Terrified

You by the light is the greatest find, in a world full of wrong you're the thing that's right. Finally made it through the lonely to the other side.

This could be good, it's already better than that and nothings worse than knowing your holding back. I could be all that you need if you let me try.

You set it again, my hearts in motion; every word feels like a shooting star. I'm at the edge of my emotions, watching the shadows burning in the dark. And I'm in love and I'm terrifed for the first time and the last time in my only life.

I only said it cause I mean it, I only mean it cause its true so don't you tear what I've been dreaming cause it keeps me up and holds me close whenever I'm without you.

Point of View

When I see what I've done from someone elses perspective, suddenly I've begun to feel like the worst person in the world.

No, I wouldn't ever take it back and although it may seem like a contradiction, I will never be able to explain how sorry I am.

Reassurance

When My Thoughts Slip

The hate I previously felt against you, for you, is gone. I don’t think it was really ever present. Regardless, I have very little feelings of dislike towards you anymore. Maybe it was more beneficial for me to hate you, and somewhere I wish that I still despised you to an extent. It was easier. I didn’t miss your voice and you hugs and your smile, your stubborn nature, your relentless efforts, your jokes, your laugh, your company, your big arms, your chin that fit so perfectly on top of my head, your cracked lips, the weird hairs on the inside of your arms, your ugly toenails that you pick, your never-ending embraces, your ridiculous messages that would always make me laugh, your music, your smile when you heard a song you loved, your groan, your perfect tattoos on your perfectly brown arms, your white chicken legs, your hands holding mine, your warm skin that you kept on mine when I had goose bumps, your hate for the heater, your hate for my hates, your hideous love for Tom Cruise, your whispers in my ears and your perfect sulky act that always got you exactly what you wanted.

When I loathed you I forgot these things, I didn’t have to miss them.
But I miss you in more ways than I could count and its beginning to become too much.

You said I shouldn’t have to loose everything to have you, but now that you’re gone I feel like I have lost everything anyway.

Wings

If I could be a bird, I'd fly away and lose my way. I would never come back to you. Do you think this is why we weren't given wings or the ability to fly? Did God want us as humans to have to solve our problems rather than running away from them.
It's not working out for me.

Consumption

I never realised how entirely two people could completely consume me until I lost both of them within the same month, my best friend and my constant on/off boy whom still holds my whole heart.
Although they are both still more than present in my life one is now living in other state and the other is living in another frame of mind.

I have never felt so vulnerable and lost in my life. I have never experienced this feeling of seperation that I have seemed to adapt to since the daily absence of these two people in my life.

Tell Me You Love Me

"Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry.
You don't know how lovely you are.
I had to find you... tell you I need you. Tell you I set you apart.
Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions, lets go back to the start.
Nobody said it was easy. It's such a shame for us to part.
No one ever said it would be this hard, take me back to the start .
Tell me you love me, come back to haunt me oh when I rush to the start.
Running in circles, chasing our tails, coming back as we are.
Nobody said it was easy.
It's such a shame for us to part"

♥ ♥ ♥

After The Storm

Night has always pushed up day, you must know life to see decay but I won't rot, I won't rot. Not this mind and not this heart, I won't rot.
And I took you by the hand and we stood tall and remembered our own land, what we lived for.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears and love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there, with grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

Moving On

Not that I'd generally be the type of person to turn to people such as Tupac for inspiration, but I have to admit this quote could pretty much run my life:

"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on"

That's just about all the advice that I'll need to get me through the next little while. I'm hanging myself, and various associated dramas, up and out to dry.

Cull Thinking

Don't think. Don't fucking think. Because when you think you realise just how fucked up everything really is. You realise you don't know how you got where you are, you don't know where you're going and you don't know what to do anymore.

The Dark Truth

The time has finally come after what seems to be a lifetime, where I have stopped forcing and convincing myself to let go and it has just happened.

Maybe time has run its due course, or maybe I've decided to look for someone that still has a heart and a shed of decency attached to their name.

And to this new girl, this is purely a warning, but I'd like to tell you now, you may think you're his one and only, but you are not the only one. Trust me on that, I'd know because he came back to me despite you. I'm not going to apologize as you knew exactly what you were getting yourself into.

Sometimes ignorance can be bliss, but in this lifetime ignorance is nothing more than living in a life-sized pool of denial.

The Dream

I'm a little scared to hold you close cause I just might never, ever let you go.
Caught up in your smile, I'm happy as a child. But I'm still drowning, drowning in your love.

Enough Said

Sometimes, Hate Isn't a Strong Enough Word

You make my stomach turn. You make me feel empty, as if I have nothing inside of me yet this invisible matter still manages to churn itself inside of me, ripping me apart and making it hard to breathe.

Breathe, I can't even do that when you around. It's like the most simple of tasks become impossible when I'm in your presence.

I can't run away because I'm shaking too hard to open the door, and I can't scream at you because you've trapped me so very cleverly in a little corner that will crumble only to hurt me.

I hate everything you've done to me, and I hate the way you make me feel like the smallest, most insignificant, foul creature that ever woke the planet. I'm also really starting to hate you, for the very first time in my life.

Familiar Stranger

I don't know you anymore.
I don't know you
because I never really knew you,
did I?

A Moment in Time,

Oh honey, ain't that the truth.
Turn's out we are not anything forever, whether it be happy, in love, stable, sane or young.

Enjoy and love what you can, because you blink for one moment too long or turn your head for a second and it will slide straight through your fingers when you are least expecting it.

It's always worse learning it the hard way too, so keep the present in the forefront of your mind; forget the past, we can't change it, and ignore the future, it hasn't come yet.

My Better Half

No, its not a boyfriend, fiance, husband or anything ill hearted so to speak on valentines day, but my best friend. The only person to withstand all my tempers, terrors, tears and fears if you will.
Something special today...


Olivia: I can't wait for you to make my day better.
Hannah: Yes you can, you make my life better.


We just fit, I don't think I have ever felt so perfectly fitted with someone in the entirety of my life :)

Wisdom

Seeing as though 'wisdom' has become the topic of choice this week among my closest friends, I decided I'd share what I believe to be the wisest words to establish themselves from pop culture in the last century.

Free

Its funny, when something that has consumed you for so long just simply stops being. You learn the true feeling of being lost.

It is almost like I have opened my eyes for the first time in a very long time.

A Lengthy Absence is Looming

In one week, my best friend, the best friend I've ever had, moves to another state. Whilst I know our friendship is millions strong enough to survive that distance, it isn't going to be the same when I can't drive to her house every day and just giggle and drink coffee and gossip and be myself with her.

When you find someone that understands you so perfectly, it's so hard to watch them go, even though you know you'll still see them over and over again.

My whole hearts hopes all the best for you Olivia Rose Mariah, but at the same time, home is always here ♥

Little People, Dream Big!

Because of the stereotypical lives around me, I convinced myself to never stop dreaming big.
And this is it; New York, New York.

I'd like to create a little family full of fun and excitement, maybe even in a house just bordering the city, close enough to the action, but far enough away to raise a flag on the poll in the front yard with the pearly fence that keeps the family dog in...

Cliche? Maybe so, but perfect none the less.

The Way It's Seen

I like that somewhere in the faraway land of Hollywood, people see things the same way.
♥ ♥ ♥

It's all one big lesson

I know what it's like, to live and believe that you could run away with someone and be perfectly fine, to believe that the rest of the world could fade out slowly and as long as you had this particular person, your own world would keep on spinning. To feel like you don't need anyone else in this whole damn world to get by.

But the fact of life is, this isn't an island and we need people, not a person. We can't single ourselves into a corner and believe we will be fine should the rest of the world disappear tomorrow.

So I have been taught to never, ever make someone your world, because no matter how much they may consume and complete you, that's only a fraction of life.

Questions

To a certain extent, I find myself questioning all the things that could have happened to me, had you not.
I wonder if I would have pursued the other half of the equation more thoroughly. I wonder what thoughts would constantly fill my head that is now so continuously consumed by you now. I think about all the experiences I jeoprodised in order to make things work with you for a while, and how I'll never get those back. I think about the person who could have been my first love in replacement of you, and the person who could have broken my heart. I wonder if anyone will ever hurt me as much as you did. I question whether anyone will ever get as close to me as you did. I wonder if anyone will ever fill the massive gap you've left with me. I question everyone's ability to ever understand me the way you do.

I question myself; what was it that made me change my morals, my beliefs and values to belong with you and extend what we had that little stretch more each time.
Most of all find myself questioning you, and exactly what it is about you that would make me do all of this all over again despite everything you did to me.

Value

This is one of my favourite wisdom pieces. It really makes me think about the value I place upon things in my own life:

"To realise the value of one year, ask a student who failed a grade.
To realise the value of one month, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.
To realise the value of one week, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realise the value of one hour, ask a 1 hour photo developer.
To realise the value of one minute, ask a person who missed a train.
To realise the value of one second, ask a person who has just avoided an accident.
To realise the value of one millisecond, ask a person who won a silver medal at the olympics.
Treasure the moments you have"

♥ ♥

Hopeful

Hope is what happens when you first see a light.

Just a distant, small star in the darkest of night.
Hope is what hapens with the first buds of spring.

When dawn touches the sky or a bird spreads it's wings.
Hope is what happens when a wound starts to heal.

Whether skin deep or soul deep, you begin to feel real.
Hope is what happens when you're poor but not broken.

There's a goldmine of dreams- just not yet awoken.
Hope is what happens when someone is kind.

A feeling not lost- just misplaced in your mind.
Hope is what happens when war turns to peace.

After everyone prayed that the fighting would cease.
Hope is what happens with the smell of fresh rain.

When your long drought of dreams is renewed yet again.
Hope is what happens when clouds finally clear.

Troubled thunder falls silent- courageous whispers you hear.
Hope is what happens when your heart skips a beat.

And, so least expected, a soul mate you meet.
Hope is what happens when fresh bread is baking.

And what hungers your heart will one day stop aching.
Hope is what happens when kindling ignites.

You rediscover your passion that burns day and night.
Hope is what happens when the pain eases a bit.

And deep down inside, you find your true grit.
Hope is what happens as long as we breathe.

For although it takes time, the sorrow will leave.
Hope is what happens long after the pain.

Hope is what happens - again and again.

-Anon.

Not much has changed...

Empty

See image ->

However, when you take out being an empty person on me that makes you a bad person.

I want to make you feel right again, to feel whole and all filled up although your anger, frustration and sheer emptiness is tearing me apart more than I could tell you.

Please come back, I miss you and the way you used to be. This new return isn't you, just the body that you once used to inhabit.

A timely matter.

You came back to me, and even though I feel as though I am the luckiest person in the world, I'm now more scared than ever that you're going to leave me again...
Somehow I almost think you're worth the risk!

Lovely

Sometimes your love is so pretty, I just want to sink in ♥