A method of substitution?

This hurt is a little freaking unbearable.
Why do I keep letting you walk back into my life when you're just planning the next way you'll walk out again.
Take it or leave it.

Patiently waiting,

I am having one of those days, those days where every thing runs smoothly and there is a constant deliverance of pleasing news, those days that make every thing horrible that is happening seem that little more bearable.

These days don't come by so often anymore but I'll tell you now, when they do come, they come in full swing bringing that breath of fresh air i had been gasping for for so long.

♥

Have you ever been so hurt you just wanted to stop feeling completely?
Yes.

Note to self...

Dear Hannah,
Did I miss the memo informing me that you had become the world's biggest dickhead?
No, scratch that.
Did I miss the memo informing me that you had become the world's second biggest dickhead, only to be re-used for the up-millionth time by the world's actual biggest dickhead.

Let me know when you return back to the normalities you once called your morals and join civil society once again.
That is all.

Holding

In these deep city lights
Girl could get lost tonight.
I'm finding every reason to be gone,
There's nothing here to hold on to.
Could i hold on to you?

Here, here and here.

Extraordinary things are always hiding in places people never think to look
♥

Campbell Alexander:
"'That's the life', she said to me, as we watched a puppy chase its own tail, 'that's what I want to be next'.
I had laughed.
'You would wind up as a cat', I told her, 'they don't need anyone else'.
'I need you', she replied.
'Well', I said, 'maybe I'll come back as catnip'.



I guess I lost my catnip.

Shelved goods

"Your careful silence can't replace your stupid smiles... You stole me"

I don't want to be refunded as a change-of-mind purchase or faulty item, stop throwing me back and forth because you already have me.

Misconception

I always thought the term 'worried sick' was just another one of those expressions, until tonight. The pit of my stomach has become residence to this uncontainable, overwhelming feeling of worry unable to subside due to the lack of answers and knowledge, causing such a nauseating storm inside of me that I am going to literally be sick.

The worst part, I don't think you have even the slightest idea of what is in store for you and you refuse to listen.

A simplistic return,,,

How is it possible that once I had begun to believe that things held the most minimal chance of worsening, that they took a full throttle dive straight into the deep end?

Now I find myself in a state of constant repetition, reminding myself to breathe and smile, and then breathe again. I am trusting that this is all going to be some sort of temporary solution to my present problems however I believe I'm setting myself up for another complete letdown.

Instead of this smile and breathe technique, (which I must admit works incredibly well for the short-term period), I seem to find myself returning to that doomed state of denial where I attempt to block out the new stories that surface daily. I can return to pretending that none of this ever happened, I can pretend that I never screwed up and you never lost everyone you ever had (worth having). I can pretend that it was never real and you didn't break me. I can pretend that there was once an ounce of truth behind five months of lies. And I can continue to pretend we all stayed reasonably happy.

Alas, my question; how long can one truly be in denial for?
Mmm....

My secret.

I don't know who, or where you are, but thank you for sharing the same secret.

Fragile

Without you there
I don't think I can close my eyes.


-Constant Knot, City and Colour.

Apologies.

My shade is down.
Yesterday, today, always & forever.
One million apologies won't erase it.
I'm sorry, one last time.

Time eventually heals.

"Since you've been gone all I wanted was for you to come back to me and say "sorry baby, I was wrong". But I waited, my faith is strong, this hurt could be undone. Time goes by and hope subsides, I fell for way too long.

I cried so many nights wishing you were by my side, my hearts so tired of breaking. Suddenly here you are, you're saying all the words I was waiting for but I don't want you no more.

You got the same smile you did before, it used to make me weak in the knees. That look in your eyes used to drive me wild but I already made my peace. Who knew there could come a time when you said yes and I said no? Cause I missed you so long and since you been gone, I've been trying to let you go."

♥ ♥ ♥

Now I'm just waiting for my time to come, when I don't want you anymore.

Advice,

Just keep your head held high.

The Last Straw

And just like every other time that has come before; it was no different.
You used me, successfully to get exactly what you wanted and have officially screwed me over for the last time.



"Next time baby, I'll be bulletproof"

Yes, please.

'Do you have a story, do you have a story for me?
One where we all live happily...'

♥ ♥ ♥

Hindsight

Come hold my hand and whisper in my ear that everything will be okay again...


Even though I know it's probably too late to admit it, I know how perfectly you fit with me.

I want you.
I miss you, more than I thought possible.

Fairytale

What happens when the happily ever after fails; when all that we had previously dreamed about fails us and leaves us without the misleading pleasantries we had always dreamt of?
How do we decide our next step when what we have settled with becomes stripped away from us, leaving us with an overwhelming feeling of being almost completely bare?

Although inevitably each one of us are different and present vastly contrasting solutions to each of these daily ongoing dramas, I decided that I am going to fight.
I don't want to wake up one day in the future and wish that I had given it just that one last shot. I do not want to surround myself with consistent thoughts of 'what if'.
Even though you heavily exceed my patience levels, I refuse to give in just yet.
So although it may be over and I could more than likely be wasting my time, I want to be certain that I did not give up, that I gave you my very last shot.
Always and forever, constant.
♥

Superman

You called me strong, you called me weak but still your secrets I will keep,
You took for granted all the times I never let you down.
You stumbled in and bumped your head, if it's not for me then you'd be dead,
I picked you up and put you back on solid ground.
♥

Thank You

We are just beginning to sort everything out,
I like where this is heading.
♥

Stay

There now steady love, so few come and don't go.
Will you, won't you, be the one I'll always know?
When I'm losing my control, the city spins around
You're the only one who knows, you slow it down.
It's always have and never hold,
You've begun to feel like home.
♥

Awake

I don't know why I can't help but have you constantly circulating through my head.
No matter what happens; all the hurdles, everything we go through which still continues today, I can't help but want you around again. I miss all your messages and kisses and just everything about you on a complex and general level.
I do not mind if you don't come back, but at least treat me like I exist again.
I miss you & I still want you, just like before.

Memories

Hello,
I've waited here for you everlong. 
Tonight I throw myself into
& out of the red, out of her head she sang 

Come down and waste away with me, down with me 
Slow; how you wanted it to be, 
I'm over my head, out of her head she sang.  

And I wonder when I sing along with you 
If everything could ever feel this real forever 
If anything could ever be this good again  

The only thing I'll ever ask of you, 
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when 
She sang  

Breathe out so I could breathe you in, hold you in. 
And now I know you've always been Out of your head, out of my head I sang.  

And I wonder when I sing along with you 
If everything could ever feel this real forever 
If anything could ever be this good again.

♥♥♥

Deprivation.

I cannot consciously remember the last time I was this exhausted, run-down and over-whelmed.
I need sleep, pronto!

For Keeps.

"Sometimes we learn something new about the past that changes everything we know about the present"

Never heard truer words, Amen.

Do not disturb.

I think I am beginning to become comfortable in this constant state of denial that I seemed to have happily myself settled into!
♥

Drop your defences.

I am beginning to find my own two feet on the ground in front of me again. Yes, they never really moved but now they are stable.

Today I begin the rest of my life and in this I have big decisions to make. I don't want to stay in this room, or this place. I want to do cartwheels with the red poppies in France and lie on the white sands of the Greek Islands, take hula lessons in Hawaii, shop in the markets of Istanbul, care for baby elephants in Africa and volunteer in shelters in the developing nations. I want to go to football games in the UK and all the pancake houses in Kentucky and Wyoming.
I want to make a difference and I want to have fun.
I want to be me, and I'd very much like to be in control of myself once again.

Here's to life!
♥

Grow tall

"Baby ballerina's hiding somewhere in the corner, where the shadow wraps around her and our torches cannot find her. She will stay there 'til the morning, crawl behind us as we are yawning and she will leave our games to never be the same.
You better run fast sugarcane"

If this isn't inspiration...

...I'll never know what is.

Going with the wind.

And darling, you knew that no matter what you did I would still stick around so instead of playing your cards carefully, you flung them at my face like a game of pick-up-52. Except this time the 52 cards were 52 pieces of me; each piece that you had broken but managed to pick up and keep safely.
Now my pieces are scattered all over the floor and they're blowing away in the wind.
Would you like to know what feels worse than knowing you don't want to pick them up anymore? The fact that I don't feel remotely like chasing them one last time.

Now I'm just riding it out, waiting for that last piece to blow away.
Let go.

Who disabled the help button in my life?

For the days like these, when you wish you could just go to sleep and wake up when all the dust has settled, when the drama and bullshit have subsided and everything returns back to its normal state. I don't know what to do. I don't know what move to make. I don't know who I can turn to. I don't know myself anymore. I don't know what I have done. I guess I don't know anything at all.
I need answers.

How can we say so much without words?

"At the end of the day, there are some things you just can't help but talk about. Some things we just don't want to hear, and some things we say because we can't be silent any longer. Some things are more than what you say, they're what you do. Some things you say cause there's no other choice. Some things you keep to yourself. And not too often, but every now and then, some things simply speak for themselves."
♥

How did we get here?

Your absence. Your presence.
It tells me everything that I need to know really.
It's like I can almost pick exactly what your thinking by just having a vague idea of your whereabouts.

However, I don't like your absence and although I understand you have a hell of a lot of decisions to make, I want you to choose me.

Example: wise confession of Meredith Grey, "Okay, here it is, your choice... it's simple, her or me, and I'm sure she is really great. But I love you, in a really, really big pretend to like your taste in music, let you eat the last piece of cheesecake, hold a radio over my head outside your window, unfortunate way that makes me hate you, love you. So pick me, choose me, love me."

Case and point, almost flawlessly, if only it was just that simple.
♥

Fact

I constantly underestimate everything!

Finally

I understand and I am sorry that it took me so long to see everything from your perspective.
I know you're trying really hard and I'm being nothing more than a nuisance.
But I am infallibly proud of you and admire your determination.
P.S I still think you are really, really amazing and you were totally right.
♥ ♥ ♥

Leave.

The one thing that annoys me most, is the way that you can just stand there and stare at me as if nothing ever happened.

I should never think whats in your heart...

"I should never think whats in your heart...so I won't.
You'll learn to hate me, but still call me baby. Oh love, so call me by my name and save your soul. Save your soul before your to far gone, before nothing can be done. I'll try to decide when she'll lie in the end. I ain't got no fight in me; in this whole damn world. She should hold off...it's the one thing that I've known. Once I put my coat on, I'm coming out in this all wrong.
She standing outside holding me saying 'Oh please, I'm in love...I'm in love'.
Girl save your soul, go on save your soul before it's to far gone and before nothing can be done cause without me you got it all so hold on.
Without me you've got it all, so hold on".

____________________________
This is my favourite and has quite definitely managed to capture and tell the story of my life just a little too perfectly. It is almost as if it was written to me personally, the explaination is almost the same.

Welcoming in November

To welcome in the new month I have recognized and said hello to the insane bags living underneath my eyes and goodbye to the person that caused them.

This is my new month resolution!
:)

It gives me thrills to wind you up.

Does having an on-call team of 24 hour stylists make us perfect?
Wrong.
What makes us perfect can only be found within ourselves and our actions.
What you see isn't a fraction of what you'll get...

Cheatttt,

Sensitive, it's true, alligator tears cried over you.

Relentless, yes it's true, my motormouth runs over you.
Rattled yes, it's true, alligator tears spilled over you.
Run around on me, sooner die without.
-Tegan and Sara

Unhindered Sight

Up until yesterday it is almost like I have been standing in the dark, in my own bubble if you will.
This bubble I have stood in had an almost selective hearing as I would not allow anything to penetrate the naive last few months that I had been living deliriously in my own world, full of only the truths I chose to accept.

However through the last couple of weeks this bubble became increasingly weaker as the delicate layers surrounding it grew thinner, shot with more stories and what I believed to be lies, up until yesterday in which I had discovered were actually the truth.

And yesterday;
The last and final layer of my bubble was stripped away carefully by one of my lovely, insightful friends that believed it was time for me to dwell back within the realms of realistic truths as I was only continuing to hurt myself.

So now, my bubble is gone. I am back in the world of truth where my naivety is played upon and the rumours and stories can get to me, and they hurt. However, as these truths unfold everything begins to make more sense and I can now see that the only person that was being damaged by shielding the truths was indeed myself.

When your bed is empty do you really sleep alone?

Image: Juan Felipe Rubio

I think not wise one, I think not.
Actually I don't think I'm ever truly alone & I love love love that ;)

I'm beginning to prove everyone wrong again, on my own and stand strong once again.
I miss the old me, and I am welcoming myself back with arms wide open <3

Smile.

"I love that you make me want to be a better person, I love that you make me want to try to look better, be smarter, richer, stronger... You inspire me to greatness and to be who I am, and you inspire me to inspire you. Each day, I can feel us getting stronger, going further, understanding more. I stand behind you in each decision you make, even when I disagree. I see and appreciate all the great things that you do for me, and I hope you always remember that. I notice every little thing about you. Sometimes that can be annoying, I know, but for most of the time I am just seeing the way that you look at me, or the way that you go that extra mile to make me happy."


This is so perfect.

What he wants;

"The thing I want tonight: You.
You and me.
You, me, and an entire day for us to spend together,
any way we choose."

Such is Life.

Around this time last year, I would be constantly told that I had the emotional capacity of a rock. I didn't cry often and I used to block out bad things that happened. If something or someone aggravated me, I'd cut it or them out of my life and that would be the end of the story. However this year, I have been told on many occasions I have too many emotions to keep up with.

So where do I draw the line? Where is this invisible barrier that allows me to have emotions, but not too many?

I guess we all change. People feel so compelled to point out to us when we do change like it might have slipped by unnoticed, so maybe my change was that I actually stopped blocking out what I couldn't accept and started to care.
Does this make me a bad person? I wouldn't believe so but that is not for me to judge, it is simply for me to live by.

However, I like the person I am becoming. Sure I lost a fair few people along the way, but like I have been told from day one, those who mind don't matter, and those that matter don't mind.

You win some, you lose some... and such is life.

Time Passes...

This doesn’t mean anything has eased though. In a few days, the one year anniversary will pass since you were last with us. One year will pass, and we will move into the second year without you. I still don’t believe everything happens for a reason though, but I am so sick of death being decorated with these happy cliches.

I’d still like to believe you're in a nicer place now, being everything you ever wished to be. It is simply impossible to ask that an equally amazing person comfort us, that burden is too big for anyone to hold. I miss you everyday. I miss thinking about the way we used to giggle about inappropriate things at the dinner table and the things you would say to me that no one else could get away with. I miss the way you always seemed so incredibly happy, even when you weren’t. I miss your ability to put a smile on every face in the room simply by being there.
There are no two ways around accepting the truth but if it was possible, I’d take back everything to go back to October of last year and change the circumstances. I’d tell you how much you meant and how much I love you.

Regardless of the years that roll through, nothing will change. You will always be the same person, and you will never be in our midst again. Thank you for the one billion things you did for me, changing me into a better person that was able to smile, even if only for you. One in a million, resting peacefully forever.

“Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am the thousand winds that blow,

I an the diamond glints on snow,

I am the sunlight and the ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning hush,
I am the swift upflinging rush
of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft star shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die.”

Love Always.

Stealth?

This is a joke.
My name and stealth should never be placed in the same sentence together.
I will eventually learn that sneaking and snooping should also never go together when associated with me due to my lack of stealth.
Today, I am beginning to learn a few more of these so-called 'valuable life lessons'.

Dear Blogspot;

It has come to my recent attention that I contradict myself a lot.
No; this does not make me a hypocrite or any of the other stereotypes you might attempt to categorise me into, it's just that I try so hard to convince myself of something and then after some semi-concious realisation, I find out just how wrong I am.
Denial maybe?...
That's something to think about.
We are all waiting for something. The question is, how long are we willing to wait?
Answer me that...

Learning...

"I don't know what I've done
Or if I like what I've begun...
I won't be far from where you are if ever you should call.
You meant more to me than anyone I ever loved at all.
But you taught me how to trust myself and so I say to you,
This is what I have to do.
Because I dont know who I am without you; all I know is that I should.
And I don't know if I could stand another hand upon you; all I know is that I should.
Because she will love you more than I could,
She who dares to stand where I stood..."


I am beginning to assume that learning how to say good-bye is going to be about the hardest thing I am going to have to do. Thanks for describing my life Missy Higgins, good job.

A Forever Type of Thing.

Not that I ever believed I was perfect, or even anything in the close radius of perfect; but today I realised just how imperfect I am.

On the plus side, I also discovered the loyalty of those who see these little imperfections and stand by me. I must admit I am incredibly lucky when it comes to the people I have around me.
Despite the few rotten eggs that have come and gone, a solid core have never left my side against all my flaws and faults.
Anyone that knows me well, knows just how many mistakes I have made in my time; far more than my fair share to be frank, especially of late.
To my best friends, heroes and angels who have always looked over and out for me, I really don't know how you have done it.. I am eternally grateful to you and the thousands of times you have reminded me of who I truly am.
My infinite and unconditional love, always.

Going...gone.

Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out.



I've finished waiting.

Wine Making...

If this picture was going to be symbolic, or metaphoric, or whatever crap they force feed us these days, I would be the grapes getting squashed as you stomped all over me.

I hope your pleased with yourself for obtaining all that you ever aimed to achieve, despite how many people you may have trodden on to reach this state of pleasure.

And now I am blaming myself, because I find that more fulfilling than blaming you when you won't care. Thank you for coming in and turning my world on its head, changing the way I saw myself and those around me and changing my perspective on life in general. Thank you for taking my heart and squashing it like a thousand grapes for a winery.
You got what you wanted, then you walked away just as you planned.
Congratulations, I hope this feels great.

Oh dear.

Wishing somehow you were near, 'cause I am withering alone.
You arrived and ordered stout, I stared in wordlessness
I just kept noticing your mouth, and how your face just fit
Into every aching void, in what I've always missed some way.

This is tougher than I thought,
Holding you the grace I've caught,
'Cause you're made of everything I want,
and I am ringing you out.

Like a morning bell, I am ringing you out.
Like the kitchen rags of God, I am ringing you out.
Like my voice across the hills, I am ringing you out.

I am water on your feet,
You are everything to me,
You are everything to me,
And I am ringing you out.

Words so perfect.
Hmm Justin Vernon; you are simply amazing.

The Unattainable Mr. Perfect?

I'm growing a little bit tired of naming all these mannerisms that this "Mr. Perfect" will hold.

I'm growing a bit tired of this because everything that I seem to be seeking is either a trait or quality that you possess and it's really getting me everywhere but forward.

This charade isn't so fun anymore, because no matter how much I twist the rules and look for a couple more loopholes, I can't seem to find a way that will leave me coming out on top.
Boy, oh boy.

Confrontation

Can be a great thing...sometimes.
When you get more than an "I-Don't-Know" anyway.

If You'd Call Me Now Baby, I'd Come Running.

I was almost beginning to believe myself when I kept saying I was over you.

Damn reality crashes hard sometimes. I had almost convinced everyone, including myself.

Shame.

I thought that you would be easy to box away in the back of my mind, but like the one million times before, you proved me wrong. Instead you sit, always present, in the front of my mind. And just when I have almost forgotten you for a few minutes, something always feels the consistent need to remind me; Bon Iver, certain smells, that run-down petrol station, driving over the same streets and that certain feeling reserved for you.

So now I’m just waiting, not so patiently, for the day when I will be able to believe myself when I say that I’m over it; the day when that won’t be changed every time you utter a word or look my way.

They've Got Private Lawns and Public Paths.

As I stare at this blank document, I think I have nothing to write. I guess that’s a lie though as more than one thousand things come to my head that I could be writing about. I’ve never been stumped of what to write, more how to. I listen to some lyrics and read a few blogs. It amazes me how such a feeling of contentment can transcend from a mere few verses or paragraphs. To an extent, I find myself looking subtly for that same feeling of pure contentment that is so clearly conveyed by these writers. But I know even if I was to find it, I would never be able to articulate it quite as clearly as they have.

The question I ask though, is do we settle for less, and become content within it? Is this the real nature of becoming a content being? If so, maybe I prefer this feeling of dissatisfaction. I may aim too highly and seek for too much, and although this is a near recipe for failure and disaster and an almost certain way to ensure I am never content, I like that I have never stopped trying for more.

Does this make me selfish and over-ambitious? Well quite possibly I guess. But it is definitely not boring. I refuse to settle and one day, when/if something amazing happens that manages to fill me with a sense of over-whelming and powerful contentment, then maybe I’ll stop looking. Because, evidently only then will I have found what I was never truly looking for.