Still alive for you, love.

You've torn me apart time and time again. But here's another chance, love. I am ready.

Eleven.

Day 11: Name the two most significant people in your life and explain why:

Mumma: You are my hero, my guider and my centre of balance. You are the very strongest woman I know. You would give the everything you had if it meant the people you loved would be protected. You respect me enough to let me make my own decisions and run away on adventures, but love me enough to welcome me back when times get hard. You are my very best friend, even if we don't always see eye to eye. Sorry for being a rascal for a large percentage of our relationship, but thank you for never giving up on me. The love I have for you is infinite and leaving you behind when I move will be the hardest thing I have ever done.

J: As much as you have lost your place in my life, there is no doubt of your significance. Elizabeth Gilbert wrote, "he was my lighthouse and albatross in equal measure", and how right you were. You have been a part of every decision I made for so long, constantly guiding me and picking up my pieces when I was so broken. However, you were also a prison of your own making, mentally trapping me in ways I can't explain. I regularly talk about the bad things we went through, but seldom speak of your generous nature or your ability to love endlessly, both admirable qualities. As much as we are fading out, your significance in my life for the last five years is unquestionable. I hate you so much some days,  but it could never outweigh the amount of love I have for you. Be strong and happy, but most of all, please be wise.

Day 10

Day 10: A picture that makes you happy

This is a picture of me and Clairebee. It is one of my favourite photos of all time. It was taken during a trip to Europe together and we'd just had the most awful/wonderful experience, hence the looks on our faces. This photo capture a moment of pure happiness. So much love for this beautiful girl!.

9!

Day Nine: What has changed this month?

Wonderful timing, being the end of the month and all.
I have had to stand on my own two feet again after coming out of a relationship, which has been one of the most wonderful experiences. I also found the strength within myself to cut the most influential person in my life, out of it, which has been something I have been trying to do for almost five years.
I have also had to get my shit together and get ready to move countries soon.
And as of this week, I will finish uni for the semester and say goodbye to some of the most darling people in the world for the rest of the year. I wouldn't be able to deal with uni without the help of my friends there, so kudos to them.

So in a nutshell, I gained back my independence, got ready to move and became nostalgic about leaving people behind. Overall, life is good.

Left.

Leaving you was probably one of the hardest decisions I have made. However, since the day I made that decision I do not regret it with a single fragment of my body. I am so much happier and healthier and enjoying life so much more. It's almost as if this heavy weight has been released from my shoulders. I am at peace with myself and I haven't been this happy in a long, long time. 

Day 8

Day Eight: Favourite Season.

Autumn is hands down my favourite season. I love hats, coats, gloves and scarves, but I don't like to be frozen to the bone as I often am in Winter. I love watching the leaves change colour and everything slow down from the fast paced summer.
There is something so organic about Autumn.

Day Seven!

Day Seven - Write a letter to your loved one.

Just a side note, this is the first time in five years I'm not writing to who I usually do. Also, I can't believe a week has past since I have started this!

Okay, the letter, at the moment I am concentrating on myself. Coming out of a messy relationship and having a few too many complicated boys in my life has left me with no choice. As such, I am choosing a quote from Elizabeth Gilbert's inner self.

"I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There's nothing you can do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me". 

This has become a personal mantra for me at the moment. I always reread this book when I am in a funk. It's important to remember to love yourself, because you can't expect others to if you can't.

Six!

Day Six: If you were to get a tattoo what would it be?

Getting it soon, it's a surprise. Stay tuned :)

Day Five

Day Five: What is your favourite movie? Why is it important to you?


One, really? I can't pick one. But I have narrowed it down to three.

1) Almost Famous - My all time favourite movie. There is so much truth to it and it is so relevant. A movie about people understand the difference between being a 'bandaid' and being a 'groupie'. A movie about people who understand that music speaks what words cannot not. A movie which promotes going completely after what it is you want in life and not stopping until you get there.

2) In the Land of Women - A twisted look at life for people who believe that the grass is greener and all that garbage. Life is exactly what you make it to be and that's largely the message throughout this movie.

3) P.S I Love You - Purely because somewhere deep down, I'm a romantic and this movie is exactly what I pull out when I just need to sit and cry for 3 hours.

Also deserving a mention as they are also favourites are: Into The Wild, The Secret Life of Bees, Remember Me and a whole range of black and white films.

Day Four

Day Four: What is your favourite quote and how does it relate to your life.

I have a huge book, filled with quotes that I have collected over the years, but there are two that always stick with me, no matter what I am doing or where I go.

Firstly is one by the late American author, Kurt Vonnegut, who's work so accurately depicts his greatness:

"Be soft.
Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate.  Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. 

Take pride, that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place".

And the second is by Harun Yahya, a Turkish author who I strongly advise you to read if you haven't, for he is brilliant:

"I always wonder why birds choose to stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth. Then I ask myself the same question".

Basically, the first quote is relevant to anyone's life. It is about being gracious and thankful for the life you have despite the downfalls and hardships you may experience. I think it is the hardest, but most valuable lessons that I have ever learnt.
The second one is personal mantra for me. If you do not like something, change it. Do not sit and complain about things you can fix. This world is so vast and has so many opportunities, there is no reason for you to be grounded where you are not happy.

♥

♥

Side note

I just wanted to take a second to note how deliriously happy I am right at this moment. One of my favourite things about my blog is being able to look back on it and remember exactly how I felt at any given moment... So here it goes.

I have the most insanely beautiful people in my life. People care for me so much that they are so ready to drop everything and be by my side should I need them, people who love me enough to be honest with me and people who respect me enough to let me stand on my own two feet but are behind me should I fall. I just feel so ridiculously lucky and spoilt to be blessed with such wonderful people in my life at this moment, when I have needed them the most. Soon, I will be moving overseas, and despite the distance, I know that these people will always be right beside me spiritually and I couldn't ask for anything more.
A few shoutouts to my darlings;

Patty: The sweetest, most kind-hearted man this world has to offer. Never could I find a funny, more genuine friend than that I have found in you. I am so glad to have you in my life. You are the constant smile on my face and the warmth that radiates from me. Never, ever stop shining you beautiful man!

Sy: Sy, I could go on for decades about you. You have stood by my side all these years and allowed me to make so many terrible decisions, but never once have you turned your back on me. In fact, you are always the very first person to pick me up when I fall and have never failed to make me happy. You are a blessing in disguise.

JIreland: J.I, goodness gracious you are a darling. You have been to hell in back in your life time, but you haven't stopped smiling, or making me smile. I am so happy to have you in my life, however sporadically it may be. You have the most fantastic taste in music and constantly provide me with wonderful tunes, but that doesn't even begin to cover your greatness. If only you could see yourself through our eyes, you'd know how truly fantastic you are.

Lauren: One of the only people in the world I can be 100% honest with, without fear of judgement or disloyalty  I can't even count the years we have been friends or the arguments we have had, but you are such a beautiful person, with the strongest heart I know. Your determination and courage leaves me in awe daily. You're an inspiration, you goddess!

Christopher: You know all of my deepest darkest secrets, and you still listen to me go on and on about my adventures (or misadventures) and laugh and cry with me when I need you. Our lives are so insanely busy and on two such different paths now, but the second I need you, you are always there for me and I couldn't ever tell you what that means. You have been one of my best friends for so many years, and I will be eternally greatful for all that you have done for me.

To be honest, I have so many amazing people in my life, but without these five at the moment, I don't know where I would be. They are honestly keeping me smiling and enjoying this beautiful life.

Day Tres

Day Three: Write a letter to someone you haven't talked to for a long time


You know who you are,
It's been a few months or so since we last spoke, if you'd even consider that. Otherwise it's been about 18 months since we were skipping work and catching trains to the middle of nowhere just to escape this crazy place for a little while. It's been about two years since we were in the park at midnight every night, sharing the dark secrets of our lives.
As ridiculously crazy as it was it still felt right to be with you, there in that moment, and not need anything else. In hindsight, we were naive and foolish to believe that things were ever going to pan out the way we had planned, but it didn't stop the happiness that our "someday"'s and our "eventually"'s provided us with.
For so long I resented you. I hated the things that you made me feel, but even more I hated you for taking those feelings away. Like I said we were naive, but we cannot say that we didn't know better.
You look so happy now and as much as I played a part in your downfall, I do not regret it for a moment. The whispers, the dark and the truths that we couldn't handle. This life has magic, if only you know where to look for it.
You were such an infinitely strong influence on my life, in good and bad ways. And as much as I miss you some days, I am so very glad you are now a part of my past.
CWM.

Day two

Day 2. What are the differences between you and your best friend.

Whilst we are quite similar, there are a few obvious differences between Olivia and I.
1. She is a commitment person, whereas I'll turn on my car and drive as far away from commitment at possible 
2. She is so incredibly grounded and focused, whilst I'm only focused on what's going to happen in the next 5 minutes and how far away my next trip is.
3 Olivia has the ridiculously accurate moral compass and always knows what to do in any given situation. I on the other hand steam roll through life without much consideration for my consequences.
4. I am generally, awfully unmotivated while Olivia could motivate a plant to grow just by looking at it. 
5. I have no life plans, I am very a person who believes life will work out exactly how it should, while Olivia could tell me exactly what she will be doing at this minute in five years time. 

That's about it. All out differences compliment each other. I love her to the moon and back and I wouldn't trade her for the world. 

Day One

Day One - Write 15 facts about yourself

1. My head and heart are almost always at opposites.

2. I have red hair.

3. My biggest passion in life is travelling. I have been to 18 countries to far and have no intention of stopping soon. 

4. My independence is the most important thing to me.

5. I strongly believe you are only capable of achieving what you believe you can.

6. I don't chase after people. If you walk away, keep walking.

7. I love endlessly and unconditionally. It hurts more than I couldn't explain, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

8. I hate attachments and people being attached.

9. I could count the number of people I trust on one hand.

10. I completely disagree with the death penalty.

11. Spelling errors make my insides curdle.

12. I have dreamed of living in New York City since I was about six.

13. I live without religion, but not without morals.

14. I don't think everyone deserves a second chance, or that everything happens for a reason.

15. I find it really difficult to think of 15 facts about myself.

Wasting time

This is procrastion at it's finest. I have a ridiculous amount of things to do in the coming month, so I'm going to add this on top. Enjoy!
__________________________________________________________
30 Day Challenge

1. Write 15 facts about yourself
2. What are the differences between you and your best friend.
3. Write a letter to someone you haven't talked to for a long time.
4. What is your favourite quote and how does it relate to your life?
5. What is your favourite movie? Why is it important to you?
6.  If you were to get a tattoo what would it be?
7. Write a letter to your loved one.
8. Favourite season?
9. What has changed this month?
10. A picture that makes you happy.
11. Name the two most significant people in your life and explain why.
12. What is your favourite book?
13. What are you looking forward to next month?
14. A habit you wish you didn't have?
15. What do you want to be when you get older, why did you choose it?
16. What is your stance on religion?
17. Five things you look for in a partner/boyfriend/girlfriend.
18. Who is your favourite actress.
19. Who is your favourite singer/band and why?
20. What have you learnt in the past month?
21. What was the last movie you watched? Write about it.
22. A song you listen to before you go out?
23. Initials of people you've been in love with.
24. If you could live anywhere, where would it be?
25. Five things from your wishlist
26. What happened today?
27. Something you feel strongly about.
28. Something you worry about a lot.
29. Your favourite song and why.
30. What are you most looking forward to?

Content

Just like we said all those years ago, this is all we have, this life. One shot at everything is all we're ever going to have. And I am so in love with you. Even if that is the only thing that I am ever sure of in this life, that will be okay with me.

Blessed be.

Twenty years from now, I am going to look back and remember that you were that one person who could turn every frown into a smile in a few simple words; that person who lifted my head when I was losing faith in myself, that one person who carried tears on her shoulder after every fight, every break up, every death; that one person that accepted every decision I made, the one who sat with me on Valentines day and ate a whole tub of ice cream, the one who moved interstate but never really left my side, that one person who rationalised every decision I made, that one person that made the biggest difference in my life... my best friend.

Olivia, you mean everything in this world and more to me. I don't know what the hell I did to get so lucky to have you as my best friend, but I can tell you that I would do it ten thousand times over to ensure that I never have to know what it is like to go through this twisted journey of life without you. I thank the stars every day that you are the person you are, strong-minded, independent, graceful and beautiful. You truly are my very own one in a million. Love you always girl!

Nothing is mundane

"Do you ever think about all the people who you might have fallen in love with if only you'd taken a different way home or stood a little longer in the bread isle at the supermaket? All of the people who might have been an integral part of your life but instead you'll never know them. The unimaginable impact that our mundane choices have on our lives really gets to me. Think of how many times I might have died if I'd made different choices. Maybe I'd be homeless, maybe I'd be famous, maybe I'd be rich. Sometimes I'm so overwhelmed by the impact of my choices that I can't choose anything at all because I'm afraid today will be the day I make the choice that changes everything".

Le sigh.

Would give ten millions dollars for these feelings to go away ♥

Raw

Never have I felt so alone in this big world. I'm unsure as to when things got so messy and so complicated, but I would give every star in the night sky if I could change it all back.
There is so much hurt that cannot be fixed by bandaids, poetry or even my favourite bottle of mum-wine. This undertow is carrying me further than I know and I care not to stop it.
I choose to always look for the very best in people. I will never stop searching for what's hidden beneath all the cynicism and negativity because people are so beautiful, even if they are sometimes to scared to show it. I may be naive, but I am strong and I will not stop fighting. The days are flipping over like a coin in my hand and before I know I will be out of here without so much as looking back. But I will never stop searching, nor will I ever stop believing that there is beauty within all of this. Even if it is hard to find, even if it hurts and even if your walls are sky high, I will break them down.

Darling, oh darling

But honey, it's like the rain; 
It's like when thirsty and there's none in the well
When darkness has already fell.
It's like breaking dreams of a broken man
And nothing makes it come on down, like the rain can. 

Thanks for making me stronger

"What doesn't kill you leaves scars, 

ruins your lungs 

and dries out your tears.

Leaves you lying awake at 4 in the morning, 

wishing you weren't alive". 

Hard words

I hear your voice and I knew right away... if you were here, what your eyes would say. But I'm not going to shed one more tear for you. 

Perhaps I'm five years too late, or one day too early, but this is the end of the line for us. No one knows me like you do and I have finally realised just how bad that is. You say you still love me, but that isn't what this is anymore.
This is the end.
♥

Forever dance alone. You're scared because I feel like home. 

Home

I've seen a palace in London, I've seen a castle in Wales. But I'd rather wake up beside you and breathe that old familiar smell.

Dallas Green, you beautiful man. Where would I be without you?

Simplicity

I never knew quite how much I missed you until you came back. You have always filled every aching void. It is so nice to feel you around again. Please don't leave.

I love you to the moon and back, but I'd go farther if you asked.

Cold autumn nights with the familiar sting that winter is just around the corner, childhood sweethearts and distant memories from countries I cannot remember. I have almost forgotten what it is like to not miss someone or be anxious or be so god damn tired all of the time. Life is funny sometimes. Not always 'haha' funny or 'I'm getting abs from laughing' kind of funny, but 'for-the-20-millionth-time-I-have-got-myself-into-the-same-unbelievable-situation' kind of funny. Lately, however, it has turned into "I-am-going-to-run-20-miles-with-a-broken-heart-and-pretend-everything-is-still-okay" kind of funny, which to be honest, really isn't funny at all. It's ironic, the way we say life can be funny, when no one is laughing and so I'm waiting, waiting anxiously all the time for the day that you turn up on my doorstep or my phone rings and you ruin everything all over again. But you know what, I'll still get my dustpan out and sweep up your fragments and put you back together so you can do it all over again. Solid ground has never been so unattainable. You used to be my life raft, but now you're the sinking ship. I love you to the moon and back, but I'd go farther if you asked.

Pass the pillow

In life, you will find that it is necessary to let go of certain things because they are so heavy. You can spend your entire existence trying to fix people and situations, but at the end of the day, there are some things that are better left broken. I am so exhausted. I am entirely indebted to my body, physically and emotionally. I am so tired of trying to be the person that you all need me to be that I have forgotten how important it is to be who I need me to be.

This probably doesn't make sense to any one who is reading this and to be honest, today I am okay with that. I cannot wait to get on a big ass aeroplane and get my ass so far away from this place and all the complications it contains.

Take me home, darling.

It's over now. Maybe my ups are all downtown so far away. I'm too lost to be found. I guess you knew nothing matters anymore and that's the secret to New York. 

Dreamer

It's beautiful when you find someone who is in love with your mind. Someone who wants to undress you conscience and make love to your thoughts. Someone who wants to watch you slowly take down all the walls you've built up around your mind and let them inside.

♥ ♥ ♥  

Le Life

Some days you wake up feeling great, full of freedom and possibility. But you haven't had one of those days in a long time. Maybe ever.
-Miranda July. 

I love you, you crazily talented woman!

He always explains so accurately what I'm feeling.

Regret

I need you so much closer. I don't know why I do this to myself, again and again. Take me back 5 years, because tonight there is so much that I need to change. You asked me for my favourite J&H moment, well how about this... the whole god damn stupid crazy thing! That was my favourite moment. Every minute of every day of every month of every year, they were my favourite moments. I cannot catalogue it and pinpoint my favourite, I could never choose. But I can tell you one thing, this sucks. This is not my favourite moment and I absolutely loathe you to the moon and back right now.

Alive

Ain't anythin' ever been truer.