Because I'm in a lovely mood

'Unless it is passionate, extraordinary love, it's a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn't be one of them'.
-Dreams for an Insomniac.

Magic

"And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don't believe in magic will never find it"

-Roald Dahl. 

Trade

I miss London, a lot. I miss the smell of clean streets at 3am and the baguette shop with the neon blue sign. I miss the sense of freedom I felt in London, the disconnectedness. Come to think of it, there are a lot of things that I miss. Wondering what came next and being excited for fate unknown. In some ways I miss the emotional rollercoasters that I used to refuse to let myself off and I miss all the people that have departed my life during those rides.


But I look at my life now and I feel the spaces like galaxies between my bones that you have managed to fill. Love can be overwhelming and powerful, but I wouldn't trade this, what we have, for the things I miss and the next million things that I could add to this list. You erase everything I have lost and everything I never knew I would eventually miss. I know I do not say it enough, but I love you with every fibre of my being and sometimes even more.  

Eat, Pray, Love

"A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master"


Right now, I am curled up in a ball, listening to the rain and watching my the movie of my favourite book, Eat Pray Love. Every time I read this book or watch this movie I feel so overwhelmingly obligated to myself to alter the entirety of my life.

Find this

'Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth "you owe me". Look what happens with a love like that, it lights up the whole sky'. 

Beauty

'For the longest time after that, neither of us said anything. I was unaccustomed to his silence, but I didn't mind it. I knew near everything about him, and he knew near everything about me, and all that made our quiet a kind of song. The kind you can hum without even know what it is or why you're humming it. The kind that you've always known'. 

Breaking point.

Sometimes I feel like I break into more pieces than I know what to do with. Instead of picking them up and aimlessly trying to fit them back together, I haven't been bothered lately. Nowadays, I seem to be convincing myself that I don't care; I don't care how many times the same person lies whilst staring into my eyes; I don't care how many false promises are broken or how many times I have to force myself into believing that things are okay.

This works for a while, but eventually it really begins to work and you don't care. And so now I am numb, and I don't feel much of anything lately. I know that's a bad thing, but sometimes not caring just hurts so much less.

The truth hurts, baby.

"Do me a favour and don't sugar-coat anything. I want to hear your truth, no matter how raw and blunt it is. I want to hear your thoughts, uncensored and unedited"

..."It hurts. knowing that you're happier without me".

My dear

You are everything that I ever wanted. 

Now, you are everything that I am scared to lose. 

It's been a while

All of my favourite pieces of my writing are the ones that scare the hell out of me. The ones that so accurately capture exactly what I was feeling at that moment, so when I read over it I get those same shivers in my spine and the goosebumps on the insides of my arm. And that's why I write, because sometimes, it has the magic of capturing what the memory can't. An exact feeling, an expression, a time capsule of all the wrong ideas and all of the right ones. I have stopped editing a lot of my stuff lately. I just let my fingers scribble out on the page or pound the keyboard until I have absolutely no words left inside my head. Sometimes I can't keep up and sometimes I only get three words. Sometimes, it's like this and I will look back on it tomorrow and laugh at my nonsensical approach. I am not trying to impress anyone, and I never have but I will be the first to admit that when people write to me and tell me that I moved them, that my words moved the… well there isn’t much that tops that feeling.  I remember the first time I heard one of my favourite poets, Sarah Kay. All of these words tumbled out of her mouth so beautifully, so imperfectly. There doesn’t need to be punctuation and plots and punch lines. There is enough that in this big bad world. You just have to feel. Sometimes I just want to scream everything so loudly because so many people are afraid to feel. Just let go. Let it all go and be real. 

City of Love

Paris is always a good idea!

This photo was taken inside the Moulin Rouge (I'm not sure how as camera's are prohibited, but there you go). In a time were I couldn't have been more confused or looking for guidance, Paris and this girl cleared up so many things. I learn't that it is okay to not always have the answers to all of your questions, and that I do not always need to have a plan. The beauty of life is watching it unfold with all of it's secrets and hidden wonders and it is merely our fortune to take part in the adventures presented to us. But no matter what happens, Paris is always a good idea.

Life

Countdown

30 weeks today till I get to play in this concrete jungle! ♥

I am yours

It all comes down to the last person you think of at night. That's where your heart is.

STAND UP

What if you met someone who made all your dreams come true

I have never been so fully completed by anyone in my entire life. I cannot wait to conquer this world with you, one step at a time. I am 100% completely and utterly in love with every single ounce of you.

I've Learned

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is be someone who can be loved.
The rest is up to them.
I’ve learned that no matter how much I care,
some people just don’t care back.
And it’s not the end of the world.
I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust,
and only seconds to destroy it.
I’ve learned that it’s not what you have in your life,
but who you have in your life that counts.
I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you’d better know something.


I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself
to the best others can do,
but to the best you can do.
I’ve learned that it’s not what happens to people,
It’s what they do about it.
I’ve learned that no matter how thin you slice it,
there are always two sides.
I’ve learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.
I’ve learned that you can keep going
long after you think you can’t.


I’ve learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done
When it needs to be done
regardless of the consequences.
I’ve learned that there are people who love you dearly,
but just don’t know how to show it.
I’ve learned that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.
I’ve learned that true friendship continues to grow even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.
I’ve learned that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to
doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.


I’ve learned that no matter how good a friend is,
they’re going to hurt you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.
I’ve learned that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I’ve learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken,
the world doesn’t stop for your grief.
I’ve learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we become.
I’ve learned that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean that they don’t love each other.
And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do.


I’ve learned that sometimes you have to put the individual
ahead of their actions.
I’ve learned that two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.
I’ve learned that no matter the consequences,
those who are honest with themselves get farther in life.
I’ve learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours
by people who don’t even know you.
I’ve learned that even when you think you have no more to give,
when a friend cries out to you,
you will find the strength to help.


I’ve learned that writing,
as well as talking,
can ease emotional pains.
I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life
are taken from you too soon.
I’ve learned that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice
and not hurting people’s feelings and standing up for what you believe.
I’ve learned to love
and be loved.
I’ve learned…


Omer B. Washington

Runaway

Nostalgia

I miss you so much sometimes I would almost swear that I cannot breathe. It is overwhelming and suffocating. People say that these sorts of things get easier with time, but then again, people lie. I miss the way you could always find me, no matter where I was hiding and how you could make everything seem one millions times better with a few simple words. You had this ability to always make me smile, despite always being the reason I was upset. I miss the stupid little hairs that grew on the insides of your arm and your little belly chuckle and I miss the way you would apologise to me a million times over for ruining everything and trying to justify it with absurd reasoning. I miss the cold nights when you'd wrap your jacket around me and we'd swap stories and your hugs that could squeeze the life straight out of me. I miss the long drives in your stupid old pick up truck with the sun burning my face and you singing all the words to songs that I never knew but could never forget. You were all my firsts and so many of my lasts, but you were undoubtedly everything to me and I probably would have let you continue to be for the rest of my life if you didn't take yourself out of the equation.

And so I miss you, more that I could ever explain, more than I have ever missed anyone in my entire life. I miss you like I miss the stars when I look up at a dark night sky and sometimes I wonder what I would give up to have a guarantee that everything between us could have worked out. But I have no way of knowing, do I? I never had a chance of knowing a god damn thing with you because you were a giant book of secrets and fallacies that I finally unravelled for you. Maybe you weren't ready to have all your secrets realised into this big world that is always waiting to swallow you whole, but I will never apologise for making you feel real and raw. Because for a few years there, you were finally real and you were alive. Wasn't that so much better than being submerged for all this time?

I have so many questions to ask you, so many things to tell you and so so much that I need your help with. But you are gone and things are never going to be the same again. You changed me more than I could ever explain and catapulted me into this world alone before I was nearly ready. I miss you. I wonder if you feel the same.

Justice

"Pac stood up, and it's the first thing you heard him say in like, two weeks of court. 'You know, your honor, through this entire court case, you haven't looked me or my attorney in the eye once. It's obvious that you're not here in search for justice, so therefore there's no point in me asking for a lighter sentence. I don't care what you do cause you're not respecting us, this is not a court of law; as far as I'm concerned, no justice is being served here, and you still can't look me in the eye. So I say, do what you wanna do, give me whatever time you want, because I'm not in your hands, I'm in God's hands".

Anonymous question replies

Due to a manic schedule and travelling I have neglected a fair few questions that I've been ask recently, but here go some replies!

Where have you travelled?

I travel a lot, and have travelled even more recently, which is why my blog posts are becoming scarce :(. Firstly, I reside in Australia, but travel to New Zealand 2-3 times per year as that is where I am from and where my family lives. I have also travelled through the UK, Europe, Middle East and South East Asia. More specifically; England (London and surrounds), Belgium, Netherlands (Amsterdam), Germany (St Goar, Munich, Dacheau), Austria (Innsbruck), Italy (Rome, Florence, Venice), Switzerland (Lucerne), France (Paris, Bordeaux), Abu Dhabi and Indonesia. My partner and I have also just booked a trip to America over christmas at the end of this year and I couldn't be more excited.  

What is the best thing that has ever happened to you?

J.

Pour your heart out in two paragraphs.

I almost did that in the above paragraphs, but here goes nothing!

I don't know where I am going in life, and maybe for the first time, that is completely fine with me. For the very first time, I am sitting back and enjoying this ride, letting things fall into place (seemingly perfectly of late) and work things out for themselves. In the last few months, I have watched things fall into place around me and I couldn't be happier. I have the most wonderful man who makes me pretty damn happy and I have a glorious family who provide me with more than I could ever ask for. 

This life is so temporary, so fragile, and it could end at any given moment so I think it is important to just be as happy as possible and not worry about the things that are out of our control. So many people fuss over such unnecessary details and forget how beautiful this life is and how lucky we are to be here. Stop, breathe, relax and look around at all the things that you are blessed to have.  

You always post about music. Do any songs make you cry?

So many songs overwhelm me. It is that feeling when someone captures exactly how you are feeling and you scream at the radio/ipod - or whatever you use - waving your hands saying "THATS IT! THAT IS EXACTLY IT! HOW DID YOU KNOW! HOW DO YOU EXPRESS IS SO FLAWLESSLY?" Music is something I connect with on such a high level. But to answer your question, one song that always gets me is 'Dancing in the Dark', by Bruce Springsteen. My uncle had that song at his funeral on repeat when he passed and if you could ever wrap someone's personality in a song, Bruce did it. After all,  you can't start a fire without a spark.

Keep asking!

The one that got away

For you, I was a chapter; For me, you were the book. 

Capture everything

"When I had my accident, I found out at that moment, nothing in life is promised except death. If you have the opportunity to play this game of life, you need to appreciate every moment. A lot of people dont appreciate the moment... until it's passed"
-Kanye West

I missed this.

This blog always makes me feel like I am home, despite where I am. It returns me to everything I have ever known.

Another Trip

It was my birthday yesterday. As such, I decided to spoil myself and book some tickets. I will now be spending Christmas and New Year Eve in New York City. My life long dream coming true and I couldn't be more excited!

Birds of America

"When she packed up to leave, she knew that she was saying goodbye to something important, which was not that bad, in a way, because it meant that at least you had said hello to it to begin with..."

-'Birds of America: Stories' by Lorrie Moore

I am so lost.

Jumble

My favourite time is lying with you in the dark, when I can whisper all the things I am afraid to say in the daylight. Darkness always held the ability to blanket all that I've been afraid of.  I guess I just feel like I need to make my chest a little bit lighter before I sleep. I've done many things that I wouldn't advocate, but you make me feel better, make me believe that sometimes things are only as bad as you believe them to be. I'm pouring myself out to you, all the things that I've wanted to hide. I think I was lost, maybe I still am, but you've found me and now I feel everything spilling out of my mouth before I even have a chance to close it. But every night, you are still there, listening to these words that don't usually make that much sense at all. 
  
Besides, don't you hate it? Not ever saying how you really feel. 

I am happy to be here

I have to remind myself that sometimes, it's so easy to forget - When the words tell me to fuck off and people get me all bent out of shape and I can't help but get hung up on mundane things that break my heart - I'm happy to be here. And when the sun set and we were blanketed by the darkness, I couldn't help but wonder about when I sincerely saw you for the first time. Begging myself to never quit trying to be something better than what I am at this moment, to never stop trying to build something important, even when my hands get dirty and start to shake from the weight of everything I've ever tried to hold in this place.

How I feel almost every day

Life goes on

Crying is alright in it's own way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do.

-C.S Lewis

One of the all time favourites

"What's the point in this armour if it keeps away the love too? 

I'd rather bleed with cuts of love then live without any scars"

-Alecia Moore

KONY 2012

I do not know how many of you will view this and I do not know how many of you will care even if you do view this. But what I do know, is that we all hold the power to create change. Each one of us individuals can impact this world, and in particular, this cause if we set our minds to it.

It's time to listen to this video, and I personally promise that it will be worth every second of your time.

Even if only one person watches it and shares it again, that will be one more audience that it has reached.
Ghandi once said that we must be the change that we want to see in the world. So be the change, and make the difference that needs to be made, every share counts.

Peace

"I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing, than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance"
-E.E Cummings

I am so incredibly in love with you.

You are the single greatest thing that ever ran into me and changed my life forever. I do not tell you nearly enough how crazy I am about you. From the way you make me laugh every day and warn me about floods when I cry, to the way you drape your arm across me despite how exhausted you are just so I can fall asleep knowing you are right beside me. The way I say I am going home when I don't even live there nor do I plan to, but it is where you are - and that's what you feel like; home. I love the way you tell me stories when I ask for them because my head is too full to think anymore and I love the way your eyes light up when you talk about something you care about so deeply. You are the very best thing I have and I know there is so much for us to figure out, but I cannot wait to sort out every last tangle with you for as long as you will let me. 

I know I get angry sometimes and I stare at that stupid blank wall, expecting all of the answers to tumble out of it, but then you whisper "come here" and those answers don't matter anymore. You matter. And I will fight all of the anger and all the questions in the world just to be happy with you. And I am going to keep fighting for the best of everything for us, and I will be there for the worst, but I am certain you already know this. 

I cannot wait to explore every corner of this world with you and create the very best life for us. 

It's scarce for something so absolutely perfect to happen these days and I have recently realised just how lucky I am to have been granted someone so amazing. And you should be proud, I am not so afraid anymore, and I am not waiting for something bad to happen. For the first time, you have given me something I could never have asked for; you have give me the faith in believing that this was meant to be. 

I am so incredibly in love with you.

Home is where the heart is

I will continue to travel all around the world and I will continue to to explore every corner of this crazy and unimaginable planet and I will continue to hate the thought of having to return to a sense of normality. But I will be the first one to say that there certainly is no place like home ♥

Update!

Hello my dearest Bloggerbees and thank you to my newest followers, you made me smile today! I am currently sitting in my hotel room in Bali with a pretty extreme case of sunstroke, but this place is beautiful and the people are so lovely that you forget about the pain you are in. Such a lovely little getaway if any of you are feeling a drastic need for a break! Also, happy valentines day, hoping you all get spoilt by someone amazing! Being a few thousand miles away from my partner isn't the most romantic valentines day, but I got a message at midnight asking if I would be his valentine haha, my dearest love! I've been trying to attach a picture of Bali for you all, however my ipad seems to be fighting me so it may have to wait till I am home. Hope you're all smiling, X

And the complications ran wild

I do not know what I what anymore. Nor am I particularly bothered to work it out. I just want to sit here and watch life fall into place around me. Why can't things be easy like they led us to believe they would be when we were younger. All my lose ends are getting tangled up and I am more than willing to cut it all loose.

If only

Absence

"The day after tomorrow" feels like an eternity away. Bed is too cold and too lonely without you and as much as I always laugh at you, I'd give almost anything to hear your raspy singing while I try to sleep. The day after tomorrow ♥

Dream big

Reflection

1 - Your best friend.

Olivia and Claire, I couldn't split the two. There isn't anything I can't tell them and I do not know where I would be if it was not for the constant presence of these two in my life.

2 - Your crush/lover.

My love, Benjamin ♥. I know that I whine and moan and complain, I throw throw tantrums and sometimes we drive each other completely insane, but I wouldn't change it for anything because there is not a night when I don't go to bed thinking about how much I love him, nor is there a morning I like saying goodbye to him. He pulled me from a pretty dark place and has put up with so much of my drama and I have no doubt that I have become a better person since he has been in my life.   

3 - Your parents.

The only reason that I have any faith in the concept of marriage. Two wonderful people who have always made everything work out in the best possible way for my brother and myself. If I ever make half the parents that they have been to me I will rest happily.

4 - Your sibling/closest relative.
My big brother: Couldn't have asked for a better brother, he has never failed to be there for me at any time of my life!

5 - Your dreams.
I have two;

1. Buy an apartment in New York ( perhaps Tribecca) and renovate it. I'd like to rent it out for 9 months of the year and live there for 3 months. 

2. The pursuit of happiness, which I suppose is everyone's ultimate dream, but it's getting really close and I think that I am finally beginning to sort out what it is that I want. 

6 - A stranger
Will only be a stranger as long as you let them. 

7 - An ex boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush.

Ex: It took me a long, long time to let you go. For a while, I didn't think I would ever get over you, but I was granted with the grace I needed and let you go. It's easy in hindsight, but I don't know why I believed in you for such a long time. And comparing it to what I have now, well no boy has ever made me this happy. 

8 - Your favourite internet friend.
Andrew H! He is a real life friend too, but he chats to me every time I sign in and lets me spill my heart all out and provides me with advice where possible! Such a great friend.

9 - Someone you wish you could meet.
I still want to know who I am going to marry, just think it would be a helpful thing to know!

10 - Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to.
My family, as much as I love them dearly I have made such a poor effort in keeping in contact with them! This year I am hoping to make a much greater effort in keeping in touch.

11 - A deceased person you wish you could talk to.
My dearest uncle Bill, who I hope is resting easy. The most bold and wild person I have ever met, there was never a dull moment with you around. We miss you every day you spark, taken far, far too early.

12 - The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain.
He knows exactly who it is, and I have nothing further to say about it. 

13 - Someone you wish could forgive you.
I am not seeking forgiveness.

14 - Someone you've drifted away from.
If I wrote a list of every person I have drifted from, my blog would have five new pages. Drifting is inevitable.

15 - The person you miss the most.
At this very moment? That would be my boyfriend, who went away this morning! He will be back on Sunday, but I could swear to God that sleeping alone has never been this cold. 

 16 - Someone that's not in your state/country.
Olivia! Cambodia has stolen my best friend!

17 - Someone from your childhood.
Shannon, grew up with her from 1st grade, such a significant part of my childhood.

18 - The person you wish you could be.

Independent, like I once was.

19 - Someone that pesters your mind - good or bad.
Ben, who is seemingly a part of everything I do these days.

20 - The one that your heart the hardest.
The one that was hardest on my heart? This one ♥

21 - Someone you judged by their first impression.
Everyone I have ever met.

22 - Someone you want to give a second chance to.
I gave out a pretty big second chance this week, and I'm not sure how I feel about it right now, so I'm holding off on second chances the time being.

23 - The last person you kissed.
My lovely boyfriend ♥ ♥ ♥ I love his kisses, but goodbye kisses are never my favourite.

24 - The person that gave you your favourite memory.
I have enough favourite memories to fill a book, I could never pinpoint it to one.

25 - Someone that changed your life.
Benjamin. I am a different person for having him in my life and I love every minute I spend with this boy even though I don't always say it. We have our ups and downs, but I don't doubt that we will be one of the greatest things I've ever known. I have become such a different person for just having known him in ways that I cannot yet explain.  

The time is now

'What you have to decide... is how you want your life to be. If your forever was ending tomorrow, would this be how you'd want to have spent it? Listen, the truth is, nothing is guaranteed. You know that more than anybody. So don't be afraid. Be alive'

-Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever

Truth hurts, lies heal.

Cheating on anyone is deeper that people realize, it destroys their outlook on love, their future relationships, and peace within themselves.
-J Cole

People used to ask me what the worst feeling was, it's pretty clear now.

Dream catch me

Pull my puzzle apart

This weight is so heavy. It's getting harder and harder to breathe. I need you here, and despite being right next to me, we both know that you are a million miles away. Let me know when you are coming back, because I don't know how long I can stick around.

Drowning

'I'm a little scared to hold you close cause I just might never, ever let you go.
Caught up in your smile, I'm happy as a child. But I'm still drowning, drowning in your love'

Without me, you've got it all

Lose yourself in the darkness

Don't leave. Please. Stay. It's nice to be in the dark, right? You can relax a little. No false pretenses. No brittle smiles. Nobody else. Just us. Forget the stress. The worry. The unsaid thoughts. Life is too short. Too short for second guessing. Too short to fight. Close your eyes. Tonight I need you.

City girl

Pure Ignorance

I am not afraid to ask the question because I do not want to hear the truth - I am afraid to ask the question because I am scared to hear the lies. More to the point, I am afraid that I am not strong enough to handle either. So for the moment, I'm enjoying the silence.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

So come on, skinny love.

Everything I couldn't say

"This fantasy, this fallacy, this tumbling stone; echoes of a city that's long overgrown. Your heart is the only place that I call home. Can I be returned?"
-Florence and the Machine

We are all searching for the same thing

Safer

"Well it’s been days now and you change your mind again. All the cracks in the walls remind you of things we said and I could tell you that I wont hurt you this time but it’s just safer to keep you in this heart of mine”

-And The Boys, Angus & Julia Stone

And I still feel exactly the same

I remember when I wrote this and they way that I didn't know exactly how I was feeling at the time but as soon as I started writing it all just tumbled out and everything begun to make sense to me in a way that it never had previously. This isn't magnificent and probably doesn't mean much to anyone else, but it would still be one of my favourite pieces that I have ever written.


I have a sympathetic heart and a disagreeing head, and perhaps this is where my troubles lie. I meet people who make my entire world stop with the magic they share, whispering secrets so quietly that I have to lean my ear closely, as if I may let this golden moment escape into the ungrateful universe otherwise. I don't know what these people are to me but I never want to stop figuring it out. I so desperately want to be whatever they need me to be that somewhere along the line I wind up noticing everything about them, like the way the sun falls across the lines in their face or the constellations of freckles collected on their left shoulder blade that I forget to notice myself. We are fooling ourselves, trying to forgive people for the feelings they have stolen. But even the saddest stars never stop burning and so I keep my smile as deep as the red in my favourite wine and erase my regrets. I would listen to you until the darkened nights break into dawn, until my ears deafened and my eyes crawled to a close. I would fall asleep to the constant hum of your thought and lessons because you are just as beautiful as what you have taught me about life.

I am tongue-tied and wide-eyed and aware that not much of what I write translates meaning to anyone else. I notice so god damn much about everyone else, like the thoughts you throw away on Monday morning and I wonder if anyone else sees these raw moments that make everything else seem so much less translucent. I want to be proud for the things that I have done, strong for the things I am doing and hopeful for the things that I will do, but I just don't know how. I am often quiet these days, and I need you to know that when I am not talking I am feeling. It is not that I am cold, nor am I stone because I feel things too. I feel the emptiness and questioning of being here and not understanding why just like I feel the fullness and contentment of those moments that make me feel that I belong, and that somehow in this mixed up universe, there was a reason I landed myself here. I don't know how I manage to feel so together, yet so fucking broken at the same time and I constantly wait for the moment where the fragments of my life will bluster up like the glass I shattered on the kitchen floor last night.

My head is a messy place and sometimes writing is all that has ever made sense to me. I love a lot of people that have left my life quicker than they arrived and perhaps it is because I can't seem to transcend my feelings in practice as well as they flow into written words, or maybe it was because up until today I never considered the length I was willing to go to stop these people drifting between my fingers, like grains of sand lost in the wind. I do not want to play with sand anymore, I am playing for keeps.

Escape

I knew not to forget

I was sitting in the backseat when I first met you and the streetlights sped past like camera flashes, telling me to remember this moment as I held my breath and tried to clear all the thoughts rushing through my head. My hair was in tangles and the cold air pricked away at my skin, stabbing into the darkness of the unknown. It was a nice moment, and I felt good to bethere even though I was aware of the potential situation I had put myself in. Maybe it was the intense amount of alcohol or maybe I  had sensed that this night would be the start of all the things that I needed, but everything seemed a little bit more serene, a little softer and the world seemed a little kinder. I'll never forget that night.

And now we go back to the house and I watch you light up a cigarette on the porch and get lost in your thoughts whilst the smoke swirls it's way around the curves of your face and into the abyss. It's dark and the air is heavy at night now. You make me feel like I am home.

Beauty in it's finest form

Et l’amour, où tout est facile,
Où tout est donné dans l’instant;
Il existe au milieu du temps
La possibilité d’une île.
-Michel Houellebecq

Raw

Not all those who wander are lost

I want to write, like I did before. About all the things that mattered to be, despite their obvious insignificance or the way they would never let me look at the world in the same light again. I want to write about Ben and tell you exactly what he means to be. I want to write about this world and the monstrosities that it hides beneath it's shadows. I want to write about the last 6 months and how I am too scared to accept the person I have become. I want to write about letting go, moving on and being brave. I want to tell you all these things, but I cannot find the words just yet and I will never be able to explain just how much that scares me.

We all need help

But sometimes I just don't know where to find it