Way to end the year.

The weirdest thing happened yesterday... And is still going. Will update inn the new year ;) (tomorrow) haha! Happy new years bloggers!!

Won't you help me

There will come a time you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart but dismiss you fears.

-Mumford & Sons.

I'm waiting (for you).

Can you please keep the 6/01/11 free.

While I get sandy on the shore..

This year:

(x/x) made out in/on a car
( ) kissed in the snow
( ) celebrated Halloween
(x) kissed in the rain
(x) had your heart broken
(x) broke someone else’s heart
( ) had a stalker
(x) went over the minutes on your cell phone
(x) had a good relationship with someone
( ) someone questioned your sexual orientation
( ) gotten pregnant
( ) had an abortion
(x) done something you’ve regretted
(losing) lost faith in love
( ) kissed under a mistletoe
OTHER
( ) painted a picture
(x) wrote a poem
(x) ran a mile
(x) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch
(x) posted a blog
(x) listened to music you couldn’t stand
(x) went to a sleepover
(x) went camping
( ) threw a surprise party
(x) laughed till you cried
( ) laughed till you peed in your pants
(x) visited a foreign country
(x) cut in a line of waiting people
(x) told someone you were busy when you weren’t
(x) cooked a disastrous meal
(x/x) lost something/someone important to you

In 2010 I…
(x) broke a promise
(x) lied
(x) went behind your parents back
(x) cried over a broken heart
(x) disappointed someone close
(x) hid a secret
(x) pretended to be happy
(x) slept under the stars
( ) kept your new years resolution
( ) forgot your new years resolution
(x) met someone who changed your life
( ) met one of your idols
(x) changed your outlook on life
(x) sat home all day doing nothing
(x) pretended to be sick
(x) left the country
( ) almost died
(x) given up something important to you
(x) lost something expensive
(x) learned something new about yourself
(x) tried something you normally wouldn’t try and liked it
(x) made a change in your life
(x) found out who your true friends were
(x) met great people
(x) stayed up til sunrise
(x) cried over the silliest thing
(x) was never home on weekends
( ) got into a car accident
(x) had friends who were drifting away from you
(x) had someone close to you die
(x) had a high cell phone bill
( ) spent most of your money on food
( ) had a fist fight
(x) went to the beach with your best friend
(x) saw a celebrity
(x) gotten sick
( ) liked more than 5 people at the same time
(x) became closer with a lot of people 

 
How old are you?
18
 
What do you mainly want right now, that would just make your week?
One thing, and it would make a lot more than my week.
  
If you were 8 and you could see yourself now, would you be disappointed?
Yes.
 
How many piercings do you have? 
Six, and I have been walking up and down the esplanade all day today to get my seventh, maybe tomorrow.
 
When is the last time you cried?
Yesterday afternoon, although I had promised myself I wouldn't get upset.
 
What were you doing at 8:00 this morning? 
Letting the waves at the beach throw around my body.
 
Would it be hard seeing someone kiss the person you like?
I just look at the photos instead and then sulk for the rest of the day, which outlines the majority of my day yesterday. 
 
Are you angry right now?
At myself. 
 
Do you like to sleep?
Considering I have slept more hours than I've been awake in the last week, the obvious answer would be yes.
 
You have to get a facial piercing, what do you get? 
Nose.
 
What did you do last night? 
Wrote something pretty impressive actually.
 
What color is your hair? 
Red.
 
Would you go out in public looking like you do now?
Just got home from my 28283 trip to the beach, my look has pretty much moulded.
 
Do you have feelings for anyone?
I bought a shirt and some kinky underwear just for him today, sigh.
 
You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life, what is it? 
Water duh.
 
Would you dye your hair?
I do most weeks.
 
Does it bother you when someone lies to you? 
More so when they believe me to be dumb enough to not figure it out.
 
Do you want to get married?
Not before a couple of months ago, now I'm considering.
 
What are you doing after this?
I might go for a walk and suss out some dinner or I might continue my scavenge for a piercing shop.
 
Any plans this weekend? 
I think it's new years eve, but I have no idea of the day/date at the moment, but yeah I have plans everyday for the next 9 days so surely that will encompass a weekend.
 
Describe your eyes: 
Big. 
 
When is the next time you will kiss someone?
I'll tell you if I ever get this phone call that I've been very pathetically and uncharacteristically waiting for. I'm trying to set up a date, but it's awful hard when the other party opts to neglect you..
 
Who was the last person you hugged?
Dean.
 
Who is your last text from? 
Joe ♥
 
Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?
About 45 times, to messages from everyone except the person I was waiting on.  
 
What was the last thing you drank?
Salt water from under a wave lol.
 
Are you wearing jeans, shorts, sweatpants, or pajama pants? 
Shorts.
 
What were you doing at 11:00 last night?
Being friends with Russell.
 
If you won a million $ what would you spend it on? 
A house, far far away.
  
First person to call you in 2010?
Joe I suppose,
 
Do you text or call more?
I prefer calling. Unless its a wonderful message, then I like those so i can read back on them when I fall into my sour moods.
 
Last time you saw your dad?
If I tilt my head upwards, he is in my direct line of vision.

What if you had a baby with the last person you kissed?
Ask him... It would be beautiful.  
 
So your locked in a room with the last person you kissed, any problems?
I think we'd be fine.
  
Lets be blunt, have you had sex in the past 48 hours?
I wish.
  
Do you know what the last person you kissed is doing right now?
Don't even know if he is alive at the moment. But no doubt he's happy as Larry.
 
Kissing anybody tonight?
Not unless I jump on a Red eye flight back to Sydney, even then I'd be highly doubtful that I would get my kiss.
 
Who was the last p-plater to drive you somewhere? When?
Clairebee. Before I left sydney we had a midnight road trip.
 
Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed on the lips?
He saw.
  
If you were drunk and couldn't walk, would the last person you kissed take care of you?
I'd like to think so.
 
Did you hold hands with anyone yesterday?
Yes.
 
What were you doing at midnight?
Pretty sure I was still being friends with Russell.
 
Is there someone on your mind right now?
Always. 
 
Have you done something you told yourself you wouldn't do?
Everyday.
 
Have you shaved your legs in the past three days?
Yesterday.
 
Are you crushing on someone?
It's a lot more than that.
  
Who was the last person to slap your but?
Syl I guess.
 
Once a cheater, always a cheater?
Each to their own.
 
If you found out your bestfriend was having sex with someone you were with, what would you do?
Cry.
 
Why aren't you going for the person you want?
I am.
 
Are you currently trying to get over someone?
Failed.
 
Are you taller than the last person you kissed?
He says we are the perfect height.

Heavy sigh

I hate it when people say things and make all the sense that I have been trying to avoid.

Ditto

T.H. White once said: Perhaps we all give the best of our hearts uncritically to those who hardly think about us in return.

Exactly.

Here Without You

It's funny how I feel like some massive part of my is missing. As though my leg or something vital has been detached from the rest of my body. It literally hurts not hearing from you.

CWM ♥

I have so much to tell you, and so much I want to talk to you about. I miss you here, I miss you more everytime I see something I know you would love here, which is basically everything. Wish I was waking up with you and loving you in person. Counting down till I next see you, stay safe. Loving always, xxo

17.5, Merry Christmas!

Things that I've want to do, have done and never thought I would do. A list to be completed by my 25th birthday, a very tidy deadline.

01. Step foot in every continent at least once
02. Go vegetarian
03. Write someone a legit 10 page letter
04. Stay up all night, only talking, to a significant other
05. Stay out partying all night
06. Find a job I love
07. Ice skate in Alaska under the stars
08. Get published
09. Kiss someone I actually like in the rain
10. Attend 10 concerts
11. Have sex
12. Ride a donkey in Santorini
13. Write a novel
14. See a show on Broadway
15. Have at least one birthday in New York City
16. Go to the olympics (spectator)
17. Shoot a gun
18. Go skydiving
19. Attend a royal ballet performance
20. Work in an American summer camp
21. Get married in Vegas
22. Pray daily, if not in the God-ly sense, than purely to remain thankful
23. Move out, preferably overseas
24. Go camping
25. Have sex in a car
26. Finish a 365 project
27. Snuggle in a hammock
28. Ride a gondela in Venice
29. Visit an ashram
30. Live in a lake home
31. Been cheated on
32. Purchase a foam finger at an American baseball game (It was basketball in the end)
33. Go trail riding with my horse
34. Throw a coin in the Trevi fountain
35. Ride an elephant
36. Steal a library book
37. Practise Yoga on a regular basis
38. Go blonde
39. Get my Eiffel Tower tattoo
40. Go scuba diving
41. Have sex in public
42. Eat ribs in a Texas steakhouse
43. Live in Europe and America for one month each
44. Go on a ghost tour
45. Attend a show in NY Fashion week
46. Stay on a ranch for at least a month
47. Head to the airport and get the next flight out
48. Meet a real life cowboy
49. Find love50. Keep love --> PENDING


Those that are smaller, have been successfully completed!

My sweetest downfall

I think about those fifties movies, the ones where all the actors and actresses look as though their faces have been stapled gunned into smiles that are more scary than they are believable. Only difference is that my smile has returned, and it's just sitting in place, glad to be home. It's laid its foundations for a little while and it seems content on staying there. It is giving bitterness and self-pity a well deserved Christmas break after all they're hard work the last couple of weeks and it's taking over. There is only one sole person to thank (:
I'm very selfish. But I suppose we all have action plans, I just don't have he virtue of patience to ride mine out.

Such a beautiful night, I missed talking with you, and of course everything else. But for some reason, i am only myself when I am with you.

I know you find happiness in making other people happy, and I wonder if you have spotted the glaringly obvious question yet. Time will tell.

Thank you for the very best christmas present I will receive this year. I will be showing everyone and I am most looking forward to my 'hello kisses' upon my return.
Merry christmas love xxo

Now if you'll excuse me, i feel as though I should sing a medley of ridiculously over-the-top happy musical songs from eras long before my life.

Guilty Pleasure

'I wanted you to fight for me! I wanted you to say that there is no one else that you would rather be with, and that you would rather be alone than without me'

-One Tree Hill

Like a beach without sun.

Well I suppose the title says enough when I think about it. I don't know anything anymore. I feel as though if I was in a cartoon, my character would take the form of one giant question mark, forever jumping into the bottomless pools of the deep unknowns, pushing the boundaries of the uninhibited and attaching myself to the untouched. Always doing the things that I know will leave me hurting more than I deemed possible.

It's time to be alone.
End.

"You meet thousands of people, & then you meet one person & your life is changed.. Forever"

They say you never really know what you have until it is gone, and I guess, sterotypically, that it is true. But a lot of things could be sterotypically true about us. The thing is though, you aren't gone -  just distant. I love you, and i know you think that I am only saying this to keep you. But that is so far from the truth. I second guess myself a lot you know, probably a lot more than you realise, but I never second guessed this. Once I had decided that it was what I wanted, I put everything I had into keeping you. I'm not going to sit here and try to define love and tell you exactly what this feeling is, because I simply do not have those words. However I will tell you that you never saw my faults as a bad thing, you saw the good in me and made me begin to see it also. You helped me realise a lot of things, not even solely about myself, but including you too, like the fact that when you said you were home I didn't believe you, because for me, home was in your arms, and I'd only wished you had felt the same. So when you said you were home, but my arms were empty, well that never made sense to me.
There are a lot of smaller things that make up love I think, which is why i think each time is different and unforgetable, people bring different things to the table. But if I had to list 100 things that I think equate to love, just know that you would be in every last one of them.
 
I sit here second guessing myself, like i previously mentioned. I don't want you to do this because you feel like you owe it to me, or your scared that I'm going to rebel. I just want you to have half of this amazing feeling that I have.
 
Gary once said to me that he knew his soulmate. They weren't together, they were just friends, but they had a friendship that you couldn't quite put your finger on, you couldn't break it and you surely couldn't understand it. You know, if you make your decision and i'm not it, I think we could get that friendship, if we worked real hard.
 
I know you think I love you because i'm not threatened by it anymore, but you have no idea just how threatening this is. Someone once asked me what is harder, telling someone you love them, or telling someone you dont. I have my answer now. 

Broken

This world would be a very lonely place if we never learnt how to love broken things.

On the way home i try not to fall asleep because I’d rather hear you sing. I miss you the most right before you actually leave. You’re the warmest color I’ve ever seen with my eyes closed.

I miss you. My home was in your arms and I never agreed to move out. It might be warm and still outside, but this world is a cold, cold place to be without you.

Sigh

I really hate feeling like this. In fact, there isn't much else I hate more in this world than feeling the way I do now.

Just a quick note

Just in-between all my whinging and sadness I'd like to make quick mention to how wonderful my day/majority of my weekend was.

My best friend returned for a small two night visit from Melbourne to see me before I venture off overseas once again. I also made some pretty heavy inroads to repairing a relationship I had recently damaged. Whether it ends up in a friendship or anything else, your voice still manages to brighten my entire day. Sorry for the last post, I was upset, I wouldn't even think about doing something that could hurt you.

And my weekend, well Saturday in particular was most wonderful, I even received a most unexpected visit from someone very special, in addition to seeing Jack Johnson and Tegan and Sara live :) Then attended the best party I've attended in a long, long time (see picture), was lovely indeed.

Hope all is well with everyone else!

Holy shitballs

To my dearest beautiful followers,

I recently got played like a old vinyl record spinning endlessly. Good news is two people can play the same game. You think a couple of photos is going to hurt, game on love. Come what may.

P.s thank you for all your lovely following, comments and questions, you make my day! Feel free to send some lovely revenge tips my way also (:

Keep smiling,
Xo!

Syl..

There are moments in life, even when you don’t realise it, that change everything – the way you think, the person you are, and the person that you are going to be from that point onwards. The night was so warm, the cool material of your car worked wonders, and even though your hands were as warm as they had always been, you were still the coolest person I knew. I know I had too much to drink, but it didn’t matter, it all felt so right. I knew better than to question it. Everything was wrong and maybe I was misled, but I guess sometimes it is easier to pretend it is all okay.

You looked like that moment between seasons, confused, not quite settled, but still so perfect. You pulled away from my kisses and asked me to give you five seconds of eye contact. You always did things like that. I would always hear your voice but I couldn’t never quite make out what it was you wanted me to do. All I could do was think of lying down to listen to your heartbeat, the only thing that was steady about us, or the way I’d always want to be touching you and how even the smallest millimeter of space between us could feel like a mile. Sometimes I wasn’t brave enough to conquer that mile, but it doesn’t mean that I ever stopped dreaming about it. I thought of the way we spun across from each other on that spinner, spinning just like everyone else in this world subconsciously, except it was only myself and you. I wished on 11:11 that night that it was only the two of us spinning in this world and those big stars, wet with the rain you had always liked.

When you wanted to move I got really scared. I wasn’t ready, I wasn’t brave. I hadn’t been with you long enough to remember you when you were gone. I needed you to remind me that you were here, just like the moon reminds me it’s night and you should be here. I needed you to remind me of the way you made me love you, even if I couldn’t say it, it was just trapped inside of me like a canary in a cage that wanted to escape more than the worst convicts in prison. It always hurts, everything fucking hurts. It’s funny how in the very worst couple of weeks of this year, you made me love this life without an obvious effort. It’s hard to accept that your last chance to live is also your first.

And then you were back. And I forget about being scared, because I had you. And thinking I lost you answered all the questions I had been searching for just like the way the way pirates spend their lives in search of treasure. I tried to stop, I knew someone was going to be hurt. But I wanted to hurt because I was going to miss things in my life, but I knew that I would miss you most if I stopped now. I thought of the way you’d rub your nose on mine. Or the way you would breath out through you mouth and I would swallow it up, sharing the same breath. I wanted to share everything with you. I thought about the crackling embers of that fireplace you put on for me and about the way I counted the minutes between your messages. I thought of the time you made me cry, but I turned my face before you could see. I don’t have a problem with eye contact, but I couldn’t look at you. I would always turn quick before you saw and knew that I was really this fucking broken, that someone could be this ugly. I got better at it, because you were fixing me.

And then you are telling me that you can’t be with me and I felt like someone had cut out a big red tumor and it was all broken and pussy. I felt like they told me this broken, inflamed thing was once my heart, but there was no fixing it. And now all I can see and hear is your eyes when you backed away from me and your heavy sighs when you’d doubt yourself. I think of the disappointment I must have been. I’m trying not to listen because I need to remember the person I was in love with and not the person who resented me like summer resents rain. Just for a second, I really did want to forget everything and become the uncracked leather of your couch, the spaces that were forgotten and untouched. Without my thoughts, without the crooked questions and hidden agendas I was something.
But then I saw your face and I was shaking harder than you ever shook me. I was scared you were going to touch my hand and feel just how broken I’d become and put me on the ‘used goods’ shelf. I was trying not to cry, because I remembered once I had saw your face that if I forgot everything I would never know there were people in this life as rare and exceptional as you. If I forgot everything I would never know what it was like to love something so fucking much that it doesn’t even matter if it’s not yours, all you know is you cannot, under any goddamn circumstances let it go.

I know now that this is to late, and it burns like hot coals pricking at my feet. I’m full of regret like a Sunday afternoon on a lazy weekend and I’m sorry for putting off all this for so long. But you deserve to know.

I Need You So Much Closer

I come in here and I sit in silence and hear the echoes of who we used to be. And so I wish for patience, and grace and strength to not make his life worse because of what I want. That's the toughest part... Letting go.

Come What May

I guess it came. It's funny, the way you haven't said anything at all... yet it is saying so much more than you ever could.

I liked you, in ways I don't usually like people. The way that I made birthday plans involving you, told my parents about you, begun figuring out all the things I wanted to do in life with you. Maybe it was rushed and maybe I am a fool to say this, but hell, maybe I even loved you.

You know the worst part in all of this though, I was fine with believing that I wasn't worthy of any of this; fine being the broken and bitsy girl that I am. But you tried to put me together, and make me feel like I deserved some part of this, and for a minute it worked. You made me believe, even for a fraction of a second, that I deserved someone as good as you, and maybe there was some truth lying beneath all those things you said about me. But you've snatched that all away, and there is only one thing worse than being broken and bitsy, and that is having your pieces stolen away, so you have no chance of putting yourself back together any time soon.
And to think I was on the mend.

Well you have my pieces now, just like you wanted. They're tucked into the cool leather of your couch, in your pockets where my hands once sat, under the seats in your car, even in the bottom of the bottle I drank while you held me, making me the most raw, most happy, I have been in ages. You have my pieces, do with them as you wish.

Breaking at the britches.

I'm sorry for a multitude of things; Like never being the girl that you needed me to be, or for that time I made you so mad that you hid from me in Bunnings and wouldn't let me hold your hand for the rest of the day. Or the time I screamed at your because you were ignoring me so you could watch that stupid movie, "The Boat that Rocked". I'm sorry for all the wrong-doings I accused you of and all the times I didn't trust you when you told me I should. I'm sorry that I always laughed when you were trying your best to be seductive.

I am sorry you went through this alone, when above everyone, I was meant to be the one person who should have been there for you.
I'm sorry that I am pressuring you to put me on that god damned list so I get the phone call. I'm sorry that I don't know how to deal with all this and that I am an emotional train crash because the one person that was helping me through this has jumped ship. I am sorry that I am having such a hard time letting go of you, and that every time I see you we have to have this same talk as it might be the last time I ever see you.

You were a bigger person than me, and you let yourself look like the biggest asshole in this entire world just to protect everyone. I want to protect you; I want to keep you safe and I want to save you, but I can't do any of these things, and for that, I am most sorry.

It's been a long week...

It's been a long week since I spoke to you last. I'd like to tell you nothing has changed, but in fact my entire world got picked up the minute you walked out, although now it seems that it has fallen back on its head.

I was scared to let myself love someone else, because in doing that I knew that I would forget some parts of you, parts of us. The small things, the ones I took for granted like the funny hairs on the inside of your arm, or the way you would sigh when I did something you disapproved of, or the way you would always kiss me at the petrol station in-between filling your tank and paying - you'd always sneak in that kiss. I'm scared to move on because I am scared of loosing you, more than anything. Mostly because I don't know how much longer I will have you in my life, and partly because you made me everything that I am, as much as I hate admitting that, so if you're gone, does that mean I'm gone too?

I like this boy, I really do. And I know what you would say if you met him. I think you'd be happy. You would warn me and say all the nasty things that you always say to me about boys, but I really think you'd like this one. I want to be happy, and he does that to me, amongst a million other things. I was unsure that I would ever be happy without you. You told me that you wanted me to find what I was looking for and maybe this is it. I found happiness in the form of human being and he's more special than I have words to describe.

I miss you more than I can bare most days, but its becoming easier now that I have someone helping me through. The trouble is he was chasing me and now, it feels like I am chasing him, and maybe that is what I have done again. I have chased him away. The thing about you though, is whatever bullshit we went through, either one of us could call with more screwed up situations than I could usually imagine and we'd be there for each other and that was the way it went. But with my new boy, I'm scared he isn't coming back. And I'm scared you aren't either. Why do I keep losing the most important things in my life?

Its been a long week since I spoke to you last. A lot changed.

Make Believe

Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up all those things - trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones.
-C.S Lewis


Maybe I have made this all up in my head, maybe you never really wanted me anyway... I'd prefer to believe that maybe you once wanted me, than know you never did at all.

Most Beautiful

'I know the house you grew up in isn’t far from here. i don’t go there because i know it’s filled with ghosts. i write about you a lot and you don’t even know it. it’s hard sometimes. to say things i know you’ll never hear. i know a lot of things. like how to break a fence so that you can sneak into someone else’s pool. i know how to put it back together again quickly when it’s almost dawn and their porch lights just flickered on. i know how to pull the tail off a crawfish just right. i know that venus is the brightest planet in the sky. i know some things first hand. that the first thing you forget about a person is their voice. that sometimes you make wishes on people like they’re lost stars. how you find yourself alone at night starting to hope that when they finally fall to the earth you can collect them in the ruffles of your skirt. but sometimes they burn out before they even get that close.

i know that these knees i hold are only nineteen years old. but some of me is older.

you told me once that you loved my eye lashes and the face i made when the boys were yelling in the street and i was mystified. i’m always mystified. when real life for a fraction of a second actually feels like real life. like i know one day i’ll die and never get these things back. how sometimes summer can make a moment sizzle right before it fades.

you always sizzled just before you started to fade.

it’s hard not to cry when i think of thompson road in the passenger seat of that car you stole and your hand rolled cigarettes with their ashes floating out the window. i was electrified, i was terrified, i was young and that lonely highway didn’t mind. you were blue eyed and lovedrunk. i was fascinated. i was wide eyed and willing. i was whole and now i’m wilting. but i’m still fascinated, i’m still wide-eyed, i’m still reeling. i’m still pulling at what pleated pieces of you i’ve got left in the bottom of my pockets

because you found me and you changed me.

you were summer storms, you were swollen and sunburned, and i followed you where ever your lightening decided to strike. sometimes i tell people about you like it doesn’t hurt. like this isn’t hard. like it’s just lint, just loose change, some backyard apologies, some long lost stars we tried to collect in our collarbones once, some bottom of the ninth summer we forgot by the fall. we dug our selves a grave, took everything this world gave, never regretted a goddamn thing, we loved like it couldn’t break even when it did.

seven years. i only had you for seven years. but i did not cry. i did not mind. i was mesmerized. i felt something. it’s gone now, but it comes back in flashes. you dancing in the kitchen, getting lost in destin, the tangles in your hair, the long drive from texas, when you let me fall asleep in the space between your shoulder and your neck, when you told me i made you feel safe. you’re gone now. you’ve been gone for a long time. but i know i felt something. i didn’t cry because i know for the rest of our lives that at least once there was a moment in the middle when we felt something'.
-HQ

Welcome back

'E.E Cummings once wrote: To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best night and day to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight... and never stop fighting'.

Sorry about my absence the last few days... guess I have been busy living. I have defended and declared some pretty confronting situations on the battlefront of late, and I have newly discovered wounds and fixtures.

I am falling for this boy, who has shown me a type of connection that I was previously unaware existed. I was unsure that I could ever feel this way about anyone. And I know that I am hurting him, and tearing his head apart, but I suppose I am too selfish to walk away from this. I have a new fear; that being that I am scared no one will ever feel about me the way he does. Maybe, I am also scared that no one will ever compare to the way I feel about him.

I am also fighting an uphill battle for my ex to keep me in the last few months of his life. He doesn't want to know me anymore, and while I am struggling to come to terms to understand how he thinks he is protecting me by doing this, it's killing me to know that he is going through this alone.

There is a million other stories that I would love to share about the past few weeks, but it's closing time for my mind I think. I am going to resort back to that very constant topic that has been in the forefront of my mind and close my eyes to dream of this sweet, sweet person.

Day 10/10 (woo!)

Day Ten: One confession.

Even though things are so messed up and there are more uncertainties than I bear to count, I don't remember the last time I was ever this happy. I expected this to be the most unbearable time, but god damn I don't ever want this to stop.

Day 9/10

Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.

1. :D - It should be :), because I never feel that overt happiness that I am in dire need of, but tonight, it was pushed up to a ":D" smiley. Can't even explain what I am feeling at the moment, but this goofy smile has been lost for a while, and now its smacked on the middle of my face. Let's hope it extends its stay.

2. :S - Because of the confusion, the up's and down's and everything else that has happened in the last month. My family, and my friends, thank you for dealing with it all. I know I have been a boil pot of emotions lately, but I'm going through a tougher phase than I have ever been through, and you pull me through it. That is the reason this isn't ":(". To the boy that makes me ":D", you are also the very main reason it has stopped being ":'(". And to Joe, I still haven't come to terms with all this, and it hurts me that we are like this because of it, so your the reason for my one thousand ":'''''''(". So in summation, :S, is numbee 2.

Within Reach

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swamps of the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved but never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible. It is yours."

Day 8/10

Day Eight: Three turn ons.

1) Boys that go after what they want, without their inhibitions taking over. Confidence, and going after whatever it is that you want or want to do is by far one of the sexiest traits a man can have.

2) Boys that aren't ashamed to be complete fools. I just like laughing. You could be the funniest person in the world and steal me away.

3) And last but not least, my Newtown type boys., the ones that I most like partying with. The boys with dreadlocks and artistic tattoos and the multiple piercings on their faces that outnumber all the ones on my body. They always melt me. Shame I never see a future with them, just one or two really good nights... Except for the one. Ha.

Day 7/10

Day Seven: Four turn offs

1) Lies: For obvious reasons.

2) Sex-addicts: I'm not saying I don't enjoy sex, because that defeats number 1 entirely, but I hate relationships that involve around it. Conversation is worth so much more than people realise.

3) Boys that take longer to get ready than I do: You will look amazing if you are wearing confidence.

4) Smoking: The fact that you are readily killing yourself, makes me want to speed up the process for you.

A Star in My Universe

What happens when the person that is the reason you are who you are, the reaosn that you've made all your decisions, the reason for pretty much everything... what happens when they die? Does your heart die with them? Do they take the bits of you that have been affected by them to their grave along side their bodies? If so, I will soon be gone.

For a long time I wished everything could be easier between us, but this isn't easier. When you are not here I do not know who I am. I need you in my life. Whether you are yelling at me or reminding me that things are going to be okay, I need you. I love you, I know I tell you all the time, but I am going to forever, you changed me.

I can't deal with this. Sorry that I doubted the fact that you were protecting me, but I deserved to know. All I wanted was to say goodbye, now it seems to be the very last thing that I want.

Day 6/10

Day Six: Five People Who Mean A Lot

Bill: you taught me how to be happy, or at least appear happy, when everything was at it's worst. You also showed me what this happiness does to the people around me. You had this amazing presence that could lift the mood of all the people that surrounded you, and if I could one day make someone half as happy as you made everyone in your life I would feel completely accomplished. You were stolen from us, and when someone like you is lost so unexpectedly, the void that is left behind is indescribable. There isn't a day when you aren't spoken about or thought of, and you know as well as all of us that you are in our hearts forever. Look, you still make the top of my list of important people, I know how much you'd boast about that. I will never be able to tell you how much I miss you.

Dean: for being an acting parent, a best friend, a roommate, a lifesaver and for being the best and most reliable person this world has given me. Thank you for continually taking me in when things got rough, for keeping my secrets and reminding me that everything is going to be okay. I know I've put you through tougher situations that you ever imagined, but you are the very strongest person I know and the only person who has never let me down in my life. You are my hero, continually saving me.

Claire & Olivia: Both together because you are equally important. I tell you over and over that you two are everything to me, but still it doesn't feel like enough, because I know that without either of you in my life, I wouldn't be me. My lifeboats, rescuing me from the hasty water.

Tayla & Chelsey: Again, both of you together as you can't be separated. I didn't realise how much life could be in two small people. You girls make me smile everyday, I wake up to pictures of you in my room and go to bed thinking of you. You two girls mean everything to me, I'm so blessed to have two young, beautiful girls in my life. Thank you for making me so proud every day babies!

Syl: I put you here so you realise that you ARE important to me, something that you fail to realise more times than not. You have shown me what I deserve in life and how I deserve to be treated - even if that isn't with you, and even if I do not ever experience it, I will know in my heart that it was you who showed me what I deserved. You came to me when I needed someone to wake me up and show me what it was in life I should look for. You reiterated my belief that when you truly need something, it will come. You keep the smile on my face, and I can't bear it when you aren't speaking to me. Thank you for being everything I didn't know that I wanted.

Day 5/10

Day Five: Six Things You Wish You’d Never Done.

1. I wish I never gave him a reason to doubt my morality, and then expand on that reason.

2. I wish I never backed down that day, I wouldn't be a different person now.

3. I wish I never told you that I would never leave, because you use that to your advantage, and we can both see it.

4. I wish I never walked away from your car on Tuesday morning like it didn't kill me.

5. I wish I never met you.

6. I wish I never started Day 5, because I believe that everything I have done has brought me to where I am now, thus these things have never been something to regret. However now I am going to bed with a head full of these regrets, along with others I was too scared to put on the list.

There's always one passage that changes your life...

“But i really loved him”

“Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don’t you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching, I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that’s just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That’s just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that. Heck, Groceries – you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It’s your destiny. Don’t laugh”

“I am not laughing”. I was actually crying. “And please don’t laugh at me now, but I think the reason it’s so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate.”

“He probably was. Your problem is you don’t understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. It’s over, Groceries. David’s purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so a new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it’s over. Problem is, you can’t accept that this relationship and a real short shelf life. You’re like a dog at the dump, baby – you’re just lickin’ at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you’re not careful, that can’s gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it”

-Eat Pray Love, my very favourite, beautiful book, written by Elizabeth Gilbert, seemingly portraying myself.

Fighting a losing battle.

You want me to fight for you? I have fought for you every day of the last two years and I am exhausted to be entirely honest. Every thing I did was in some way to ensure you were happy, so when you asked me to leave you and stay out of your life, I wasn't going to argue. I want you to be happy. You do not get to yell at me for not fighting for you. And you do not get to tell me you that are protecting me by not telling me why you have run away. I deserve answers, and at the very least I need to know that you are going to be okay.

Day 4/10

Day Four: Seven things that cross my mind a lot

1. How different things would of been had I followed my heart.

2. Whether I should take up the rental property in New York or Rome.
3. What do I want.
4. I need to stop thinking so much.
5. Why is it so hard for the person you love and the person that loves you to be the same person (not in my case, but in the general world).
6. What I would have to do to live on a ranch in Nebraska or Montana, and if I'd be happy.
7. Where I am going.

Day 3/10

Day 3: Eight ways to win my heart

1. If you can make me laugh, you've pretty much got it in the bag.
2. Be honest. It's cliche, but if I discover a lie, it's a given that I will stop any effort with you.
3. Don't pressure me into feeling things, it will come in time if it is meant to.
4. Be with me because you want to be, not because you feel you should.
5. Tell me what you are thinking when I ask you.
6. Be happy to just sit and talk without the pressure to do more. Decent conversation is worth more than any thing else.
7. Have the ability to not only laugh at yourself, but at me when I'm being a sulky or terrible.
8. Oh, if you can play me something lovely on a guitar, you'll win hands down ;).

Break

HavIng a break in my 10 day challenge as I've recently, today, had one hell of an upheaval in my life.

I am so hurt, worried, confused, stressed, torn, missing, longing, pissed off, sad, and in complete pain for you right now. You said I'm not a 'feelings' person, well how's that. I am worried sick and you can't reply to a message or phone call but you can check your facebook, fantastic! Call me!!!

Will update days 3 and 4 tomorrow.

Day 2/10

Nine Confessions About Myself.

1) Until about three weeks ago, I was completely convinced that I did not have a heart, thus lacked the ability to love anyone in more than a mental state. However in these past weeks, I've discovered that not only do I have a heart, but now one of my biggest fears is giving it away. I'd like to hold on to what I've recently discovered, even from the man who made me find it.

2) My brain works usually and my disposition compliments it well. I often think that should I have been born amongst high-rise buildings and upper class restaurants, I would always be the store full of mismatched pieces and long lost treasures.

3) I am a lost soul. People look on that and remark disapprovingly however it couldn't make me happier. I run from constraints and perceived destinations. No permanent residence can be made my home as I roam widely and freely and when my freedom is put into question I will jeopardize whatever it takes to keep it.

4) I am discontent with my appearance. I've lost 11kg's in the last month. I know it's unhealthy. But it's seemingly one of the only things I can control these days. I can't eat bad food without feeling extremely fat/guilty.

5) I constantly remind myself that everything will be okay if I just breathe. Although essentially breathing hasn't solved anything for me, repeating this to myself does me a world of unknown good.

6) I want to move, far, far away. And the scariest thing is now I know I can.

7) I don't know if it's a confession, because I've said it time and time before, but I have spent my emotional savings, and the excess withdrawal fees are taking toll. I am in emotional debt to my body.

8) I am so scared that I will never make it anywhere with my life, or with anyone for that matter. I'd never admit it out loud, but it's my biggest fear. I spend a whole deal of time falling in love with mean boys who break my heart, crying, laughing and sleeping, but none of these are forward movements. I am so scared that I am standing still.

9) I wont ever let myself clean up all the things you've left behind here, which are plentiful. The constant memories hurt me, but it means we existed and that means so much more to me than pretending we never did.

Day 1/10

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people.

JR: I miss you. I don't know why you couldn't wait a few hours for me after everything we went through. But I guess that sums up everything, I never really knew you, did I? I hate everything about this and I wish that I was a big enough person to not resent you for doing this.

SA: I'm scared to death when I let myself be with you. I worked so hard on not feeling, and when I'm with you it is all undone. I have given you the power to crush me, but when I'm with you, everything feels so different. I never knew how much it would rattle me, to have someone pinpoint me so well. I don't want to loose what I shouldn't have.

SA: I know I make you mad, but I refuse to spend my whole life apologizing to you. I'm trying to be understanding, but you are fucking everything up and no, I am not going to tell you it's alright because it is so far from alright. Yes, I hope you suffer the consequences of your actions on Saturday night and figure out that being a jerk is ugly and unattractive...to everyone. And stop calling me sexy, it's sleazy and gross.

OM: Sorry for bring the worst best friend in the world this year. I am so grateful for you and even though I have done millions to not deserve you, your heart has never left me side, I didn't know I could be so lucky.

CM: Long distance sucks. I miss you every day without fail. I've said it before, but thank you for keeping me afloat my little lifeboat. You are constantly saving me and I am unsure as to how I didn't sink before I was blessed with you.

AB: I still can't help but think you are making a huge mistake. But I'm okay with that, because as long as you are, you are off limits to my huge mistake. Sorry for being so incredibly selfish.

KF: You witnessed me at the darkest time in my life and I used you as a scratching post for my loneliness and lack of companionship, but I will never ever forgive you for taking advantage of me the way you did. You hurt me more than I could ever admit to tell you.

PF: You don't even know it, but you are one of the only people in the world that I'd drop everything for.

GB:You weren't in my life for long, and I know I should tell you more often, but I don't think I would have got through those months without you. Thank you, with all of my heart. I meant every word I said to you, and I thank you for still being there for me, even though you don't have to. You're one of the world's most brilliant men and you have touched so, so many lives.

HC: It's going go be okay, one day.


*Please note, they are two different SA's.

Ten Day Challenge.

It's time I do another challenge I'd say, so here goes nothing.

Ten day challenge;
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people.
Day Two: Nine confessions about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot.
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

P.S Welcome to my new follower, thank you for making me smile lovely!

Dedicated.

'Is there a cure for this pain?

Maybe I should have something to eat,

But food wont take this emptiness away

Im hungry for you my love.

All of me is all for you, you're all I see
All of me is all for you, you're all I need .

Is there a remedy for waiting
For loves victorious return?
Is there a remedy for hating
Every second that Im without you?

All this life is all for love
Its the only road Ill choose
And every street and avenue
Only one will lead me back to you'

-Angus and Julia Stone ♥

Some Things Don't Change

You don't stop loving someone. You either never did, or you always will...

I can't decide whether this is the best or worst thing that could possibly happen.

Just when I had assumed that there was nothing left to break, I should have known that I could trust you to find some thing whole left in me and destroy it completely. After all the months, almost years, of breaking myself to be everything you want, this is how you end things. You did some pretty messed up things, but nothing has hurt as much as this.
I always imagined what my life would be once you had gone, now I guess I'll get to find out, whether I wanted to or not.

You deserve..

Help me to drown these memories. All I need to hear is that you're not mine.

I can not break this. I refuse to be responsible for ruining something so wonderful. I never understood the saying "love you enough to let you go", until now.

Decisions, decisions.

I am in a constate state of debate within my head at the moment. I look at you, and although it doesn't happen often, when you smile it's like nothing else could even matter. It's just the all-consuming ever-peaceful smile that makes me forget all the reasons I shouldn't want this. You ask me how I am, not to break ice, but because you are genuinely interested about how I am and what I am thinking about, and you know what, you are the only person in this world who I answer that question honestly with. You speak to me like there is something worth finding, something hidden that you are going to unlock, and the fact that you treat me like a fragile princess makes me feel so delicate.

Then I think about it and this battle starts. You make me feel all the feelings I thought I'd never experience again, but I am afraid that there is a ticking time bomb on this. I'm scared I won't be as great as you envisioned me, or you'll find someone more beautiful, more insightful, more intelligent. I don't want to live my life in fear that there is going to be something better that catches your eye, but I don't want to live my life knowing that I gave up one ultimate chance at happiness.

So while I am testing your patience while I struggle to make up my mind, just rest knowing that this isn't easy on me either.

At Peace

"Breathe. Let go.

And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure"

-Oprah Winfrey