Day 2/10

Nine Confessions About Myself.

1) Until about three weeks ago, I was completely convinced that I did not have a heart, thus lacked the ability to love anyone in more than a mental state. However in these past weeks, I've discovered that not only do I have a heart, but now one of my biggest fears is giving it away. I'd like to hold on to what I've recently discovered, even from the man who made me find it.

2) My brain works usually and my disposition compliments it well. I often think that should I have been born amongst high-rise buildings and upper class restaurants, I would always be the store full of mismatched pieces and long lost treasures.

3) I am a lost soul. People look on that and remark disapprovingly however it couldn't make me happier. I run from constraints and perceived destinations. No permanent residence can be made my home as I roam widely and freely and when my freedom is put into question I will jeopardize whatever it takes to keep it.

4) I am discontent with my appearance. I've lost 11kg's in the last month. I know it's unhealthy. But it's seemingly one of the only things I can control these days. I can't eat bad food without feeling extremely fat/guilty.

5) I constantly remind myself that everything will be okay if I just breathe. Although essentially breathing hasn't solved anything for me, repeating this to myself does me a world of unknown good.

6) I want to move, far, far away. And the scariest thing is now I know I can.

7) I don't know if it's a confession, because I've said it time and time before, but I have spent my emotional savings, and the excess withdrawal fees are taking toll. I am in emotional debt to my body.

8) I am so scared that I will never make it anywhere with my life, or with anyone for that matter. I'd never admit it out loud, but it's my biggest fear. I spend a whole deal of time falling in love with mean boys who break my heart, crying, laughing and sleeping, but none of these are forward movements. I am so scared that I am standing still.

9) I wont ever let myself clean up all the things you've left behind here, which are plentiful. The constant memories hurt me, but it means we existed and that means so much more to me than pretending we never did.