Day 10/10 (woo!)

Day Ten: One confession.

Even though things are so messed up and there are more uncertainties than I bear to count, I don't remember the last time I was ever this happy. I expected this to be the most unbearable time, but god damn I don't ever want this to stop.

Day 9/10

Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.

1. :D - It should be :), because I never feel that overt happiness that I am in dire need of, but tonight, it was pushed up to a ":D" smiley. Can't even explain what I am feeling at the moment, but this goofy smile has been lost for a while, and now its smacked on the middle of my face. Let's hope it extends its stay.

2. :S - Because of the confusion, the up's and down's and everything else that has happened in the last month. My family, and my friends, thank you for dealing with it all. I know I have been a boil pot of emotions lately, but I'm going through a tougher phase than I have ever been through, and you pull me through it. That is the reason this isn't ":(". To the boy that makes me ":D", you are also the very main reason it has stopped being ":'(". And to Joe, I still haven't come to terms with all this, and it hurts me that we are like this because of it, so your the reason for my one thousand ":'''''''(". So in summation, :S, is numbee 2.

Within Reach

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark in the hopeless swamps of the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration for the life you deserved but never been able to reach. The world you desire can be won. It exists. It is real. It is possible. It is yours."

Day 8/10

Day Eight: Three turn ons.

1) Boys that go after what they want, without their inhibitions taking over. Confidence, and going after whatever it is that you want or want to do is by far one of the sexiest traits a man can have.

2) Boys that aren't ashamed to be complete fools. I just like laughing. You could be the funniest person in the world and steal me away.

3) And last but not least, my Newtown type boys., the ones that I most like partying with. The boys with dreadlocks and artistic tattoos and the multiple piercings on their faces that outnumber all the ones on my body. They always melt me. Shame I never see a future with them, just one or two really good nights... Except for the one. Ha.

Day 7/10

Day Seven: Four turn offs

1) Lies: For obvious reasons.

2) Sex-addicts: I'm not saying I don't enjoy sex, because that defeats number 1 entirely, but I hate relationships that involve around it. Conversation is worth so much more than people realise.

3) Boys that take longer to get ready than I do: You will look amazing if you are wearing confidence.

4) Smoking: The fact that you are readily killing yourself, makes me want to speed up the process for you.

A Star in My Universe

What happens when the person that is the reason you are who you are, the reaosn that you've made all your decisions, the reason for pretty much everything... what happens when they die? Does your heart die with them? Do they take the bits of you that have been affected by them to their grave along side their bodies? If so, I will soon be gone.

For a long time I wished everything could be easier between us, but this isn't easier. When you are not here I do not know who I am. I need you in my life. Whether you are yelling at me or reminding me that things are going to be okay, I need you. I love you, I know I tell you all the time, but I am going to forever, you changed me.

I can't deal with this. Sorry that I doubted the fact that you were protecting me, but I deserved to know. All I wanted was to say goodbye, now it seems to be the very last thing that I want.

Day 6/10

Day Six: Five People Who Mean A Lot

Bill: you taught me how to be happy, or at least appear happy, when everything was at it's worst. You also showed me what this happiness does to the people around me. You had this amazing presence that could lift the mood of all the people that surrounded you, and if I could one day make someone half as happy as you made everyone in your life I would feel completely accomplished. You were stolen from us, and when someone like you is lost so unexpectedly, the void that is left behind is indescribable. There isn't a day when you aren't spoken about or thought of, and you know as well as all of us that you are in our hearts forever. Look, you still make the top of my list of important people, I know how much you'd boast about that. I will never be able to tell you how much I miss you.

Dean: for being an acting parent, a best friend, a roommate, a lifesaver and for being the best and most reliable person this world has given me. Thank you for continually taking me in when things got rough, for keeping my secrets and reminding me that everything is going to be okay. I know I've put you through tougher situations that you ever imagined, but you are the very strongest person I know and the only person who has never let me down in my life. You are my hero, continually saving me.

Claire & Olivia: Both together because you are equally important. I tell you over and over that you two are everything to me, but still it doesn't feel like enough, because I know that without either of you in my life, I wouldn't be me. My lifeboats, rescuing me from the hasty water.

Tayla & Chelsey: Again, both of you together as you can't be separated. I didn't realise how much life could be in two small people. You girls make me smile everyday, I wake up to pictures of you in my room and go to bed thinking of you. You two girls mean everything to me, I'm so blessed to have two young, beautiful girls in my life. Thank you for making me so proud every day babies!

Syl: I put you here so you realise that you ARE important to me, something that you fail to realise more times than not. You have shown me what I deserve in life and how I deserve to be treated - even if that isn't with you, and even if I do not ever experience it, I will know in my heart that it was you who showed me what I deserved. You came to me when I needed someone to wake me up and show me what it was in life I should look for. You reiterated my belief that when you truly need something, it will come. You keep the smile on my face, and I can't bear it when you aren't speaking to me. Thank you for being everything I didn't know that I wanted.

Day 5/10

Day Five: Six Things You Wish You’d Never Done.

1. I wish I never gave him a reason to doubt my morality, and then expand on that reason.

2. I wish I never backed down that day, I wouldn't be a different person now.

3. I wish I never told you that I would never leave, because you use that to your advantage, and we can both see it.

4. I wish I never walked away from your car on Tuesday morning like it didn't kill me.

5. I wish I never met you.

6. I wish I never started Day 5, because I believe that everything I have done has brought me to where I am now, thus these things have never been something to regret. However now I am going to bed with a head full of these regrets, along with others I was too scared to put on the list.

There's always one passage that changes your life...

“But i really loved him”

“Big deal. So you fell in love with someone. Don’t you see what happened? This guy touched a place in your heart deeper than you thought you were capable of reaching, I mean you got zapped, kiddo. But that love you felt, that’s just the beginning. You just got a taste of love. That’s just limited little rinky-dink mortal love. Wait till you see how much more deeply you can love than that. Heck, Groceries – you have the capacity to someday love the whole world. It’s your destiny. Don’t laugh”

“I am not laughing”. I was actually crying. “And please don’t laugh at me now, but I think the reason it’s so hard for me to get over this guy is because I seriously believed David was my soul mate.”

“He probably was. Your problem is you don’t understand what that word means. People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that’s holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave. And thank God for it. Your problem is, you just can’t let this one go. It’s over, Groceries. David’s purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so a new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it. That was his job, and he did great, but now it’s over. Problem is, you can’t accept that this relationship and a real short shelf life. You’re like a dog at the dump, baby – you’re just lickin’ at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it. And if you’re not careful, that can’s gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable. So drop it”

-Eat Pray Love, my very favourite, beautiful book, written by Elizabeth Gilbert, seemingly portraying myself.

Fighting a losing battle.

You want me to fight for you? I have fought for you every day of the last two years and I am exhausted to be entirely honest. Every thing I did was in some way to ensure you were happy, so when you asked me to leave you and stay out of your life, I wasn't going to argue. I want you to be happy. You do not get to yell at me for not fighting for you. And you do not get to tell me you that are protecting me by not telling me why you have run away. I deserve answers, and at the very least I need to know that you are going to be okay.

Day 4/10

Day Four: Seven things that cross my mind a lot

1. How different things would of been had I followed my heart.

2. Whether I should take up the rental property in New York or Rome.
3. What do I want.
4. I need to stop thinking so much.
5. Why is it so hard for the person you love and the person that loves you to be the same person (not in my case, but in the general world).
6. What I would have to do to live on a ranch in Nebraska or Montana, and if I'd be happy.
7. Where I am going.

Day 3/10

Day 3: Eight ways to win my heart

1. If you can make me laugh, you've pretty much got it in the bag.
2. Be honest. It's cliche, but if I discover a lie, it's a given that I will stop any effort with you.
3. Don't pressure me into feeling things, it will come in time if it is meant to.
4. Be with me because you want to be, not because you feel you should.
5. Tell me what you are thinking when I ask you.
6. Be happy to just sit and talk without the pressure to do more. Decent conversation is worth more than any thing else.
7. Have the ability to not only laugh at yourself, but at me when I'm being a sulky or terrible.
8. Oh, if you can play me something lovely on a guitar, you'll win hands down ;).

Break

HavIng a break in my 10 day challenge as I've recently, today, had one hell of an upheaval in my life.

I am so hurt, worried, confused, stressed, torn, missing, longing, pissed off, sad, and in complete pain for you right now. You said I'm not a 'feelings' person, well how's that. I am worried sick and you can't reply to a message or phone call but you can check your facebook, fantastic! Call me!!!

Will update days 3 and 4 tomorrow.

Day 2/10

Nine Confessions About Myself.

1) Until about three weeks ago, I was completely convinced that I did not have a heart, thus lacked the ability to love anyone in more than a mental state. However in these past weeks, I've discovered that not only do I have a heart, but now one of my biggest fears is giving it away. I'd like to hold on to what I've recently discovered, even from the man who made me find it.

2) My brain works usually and my disposition compliments it well. I often think that should I have been born amongst high-rise buildings and upper class restaurants, I would always be the store full of mismatched pieces and long lost treasures.

3) I am a lost soul. People look on that and remark disapprovingly however it couldn't make me happier. I run from constraints and perceived destinations. No permanent residence can be made my home as I roam widely and freely and when my freedom is put into question I will jeopardize whatever it takes to keep it.

4) I am discontent with my appearance. I've lost 11kg's in the last month. I know it's unhealthy. But it's seemingly one of the only things I can control these days. I can't eat bad food without feeling extremely fat/guilty.

5) I constantly remind myself that everything will be okay if I just breathe. Although essentially breathing hasn't solved anything for me, repeating this to myself does me a world of unknown good.

6) I want to move, far, far away. And the scariest thing is now I know I can.

7) I don't know if it's a confession, because I've said it time and time before, but I have spent my emotional savings, and the excess withdrawal fees are taking toll. I am in emotional debt to my body.

8) I am so scared that I will never make it anywhere with my life, or with anyone for that matter. I'd never admit it out loud, but it's my biggest fear. I spend a whole deal of time falling in love with mean boys who break my heart, crying, laughing and sleeping, but none of these are forward movements. I am so scared that I am standing still.

9) I wont ever let myself clean up all the things you've left behind here, which are plentiful. The constant memories hurt me, but it means we existed and that means so much more to me than pretending we never did.

Day 1/10

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people.

JR: I miss you. I don't know why you couldn't wait a few hours for me after everything we went through. But I guess that sums up everything, I never really knew you, did I? I hate everything about this and I wish that I was a big enough person to not resent you for doing this.

SA: I'm scared to death when I let myself be with you. I worked so hard on not feeling, and when I'm with you it is all undone. I have given you the power to crush me, but when I'm with you, everything feels so different. I never knew how much it would rattle me, to have someone pinpoint me so well. I don't want to loose what I shouldn't have.

SA: I know I make you mad, but I refuse to spend my whole life apologizing to you. I'm trying to be understanding, but you are fucking everything up and no, I am not going to tell you it's alright because it is so far from alright. Yes, I hope you suffer the consequences of your actions on Saturday night and figure out that being a jerk is ugly and unattractive...to everyone. And stop calling me sexy, it's sleazy and gross.

OM: Sorry for bring the worst best friend in the world this year. I am so grateful for you and even though I have done millions to not deserve you, your heart has never left me side, I didn't know I could be so lucky.

CM: Long distance sucks. I miss you every day without fail. I've said it before, but thank you for keeping me afloat my little lifeboat. You are constantly saving me and I am unsure as to how I didn't sink before I was blessed with you.

AB: I still can't help but think you are making a huge mistake. But I'm okay with that, because as long as you are, you are off limits to my huge mistake. Sorry for being so incredibly selfish.

KF: You witnessed me at the darkest time in my life and I used you as a scratching post for my loneliness and lack of companionship, but I will never ever forgive you for taking advantage of me the way you did. You hurt me more than I could ever admit to tell you.

PF: You don't even know it, but you are one of the only people in the world that I'd drop everything for.

GB:You weren't in my life for long, and I know I should tell you more often, but I don't think I would have got through those months without you. Thank you, with all of my heart. I meant every word I said to you, and I thank you for still being there for me, even though you don't have to. You're one of the world's most brilliant men and you have touched so, so many lives.

HC: It's going go be okay, one day.


*Please note, they are two different SA's.

Ten Day Challenge.

It's time I do another challenge I'd say, so here goes nothing.

Ten day challenge;
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people.
Day Two: Nine confessions about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot.
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

P.S Welcome to my new follower, thank you for making me smile lovely!

Dedicated.

'Is there a cure for this pain?

Maybe I should have something to eat,

But food wont take this emptiness away

Im hungry for you my love.

All of me is all for you, you're all I see
All of me is all for you, you're all I need .

Is there a remedy for waiting
For loves victorious return?
Is there a remedy for hating
Every second that Im without you?

All this life is all for love
Its the only road Ill choose
And every street and avenue
Only one will lead me back to you'

-Angus and Julia Stone ♥

Some Things Don't Change

You don't stop loving someone. You either never did, or you always will...

I can't decide whether this is the best or worst thing that could possibly happen.

Just when I had assumed that there was nothing left to break, I should have known that I could trust you to find some thing whole left in me and destroy it completely. After all the months, almost years, of breaking myself to be everything you want, this is how you end things. You did some pretty messed up things, but nothing has hurt as much as this.
I always imagined what my life would be once you had gone, now I guess I'll get to find out, whether I wanted to or not.

You deserve..

Help me to drown these memories. All I need to hear is that you're not mine.

I can not break this. I refuse to be responsible for ruining something so wonderful. I never understood the saying "love you enough to let you go", until now.

Decisions, decisions.

I am in a constate state of debate within my head at the moment. I look at you, and although it doesn't happen often, when you smile it's like nothing else could even matter. It's just the all-consuming ever-peaceful smile that makes me forget all the reasons I shouldn't want this. You ask me how I am, not to break ice, but because you are genuinely interested about how I am and what I am thinking about, and you know what, you are the only person in this world who I answer that question honestly with. You speak to me like there is something worth finding, something hidden that you are going to unlock, and the fact that you treat me like a fragile princess makes me feel so delicate.

Then I think about it and this battle starts. You make me feel all the feelings I thought I'd never experience again, but I am afraid that there is a ticking time bomb on this. I'm scared I won't be as great as you envisioned me, or you'll find someone more beautiful, more insightful, more intelligent. I don't want to live my life in fear that there is going to be something better that catches your eye, but I don't want to live my life knowing that I gave up one ultimate chance at happiness.

So while I am testing your patience while I struggle to make up my mind, just rest knowing that this isn't easy on me either.

At Peace

"Breathe. Let go.

And remind yourself that this very moment is the only one you know you have for sure"

-Oprah Winfrey

Moving Forward

"True love means that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face may be"

I got an apology. It wasn't anything grand, I never expect anything grand anymore. But I got an apology that I didn't ask for and didn't expect.

Another case of getting told something that I didn't know I was waiting to hear.

Even though I am not yours anymore, I like that we both agreed that we'd always be a part of each other. I don't think I could bear to let you go completely.

I miss you, but I am so, so proud of you and of everything you are trying to do.

You're Leaving

It's funny you know, I used to watch One Tree Hill and so clearly identify myself with Peyton, except it wasn't just me, a lot of other people said they could see it too. Sure, I don't have crazy mothers, I wasn't adopted and I most certainly do not have a pyschopatic stalker following me, but it's still all there.

Apparently, I have that "deep, tortured thing", that pain, but also the way I have changed that to more of an independence than a pain. I've redefined myself and what I want to an extent. I don't know really who I am, but I know what defines me. I have a painful need to be at peace with myself, even if that means shutting off from those around me. I follow all the little bands around and like to be a small band groupie and other things. I can't seem to tell anyone how I feel... about anything. I've had my share of what we refer to as 'close calls' and I know how short life is. Not to mention the drama and other lovely little similarities.
We always laughed, when we'd watch this show and Peyton would shoot a look, make a decision or say something that I had recently done. It was odd and uncanny.

But today, we have a Hannah/Peyton similarity on a new level;

People always leave .
I hate getting close to people, letting them in, because they always leave. More times than not, they have left through means that are understandable, but it doesn't make it any easier to accept.
This year alone, my two very best left, to opposite sides of Australia and of course I do not love them any less, but it is not the same, to any extent.
In the next month, one of the biggest parts of my life will leave me for the very last time to set on his little journey for the rest of his life, and while I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that he will no longer be here for me in my times of dire need, I put on one hell of smile for him, because he doesn't want to know how broken he makes me.
It's what we do, put on a face for the people we love. However I made a direct decision after the three biggest people in my life left my side within 12 months. I promised myself no attachments. Yes, the stupidity of that promise makes me laugh at myself also, but in all reality, to me, not getting attached to people is much less painful than letting them go.

Despite this, in the last couple of weeks I broke my promise to myself. I got attached, let someone in, even though I knew that it honestly was going to do nothing but hurt me. None the less, I decided to wash away my promise to myself like yesterday's rain water in a gutter. Today, he tell's me he is leaving. I don't know what I want, and I understand that that is ridiculous, but I don't know what you want to hear from me. I can not guarntee you anything. But if you want to know what I want, it sure as shit isn't this much space... or the responsibility of this decision. I can't understand how you sweep me off my feet and leave town and expect me to be okay... because I am not.

Point: People always leave.

'At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes... all you need is one'
-Peyton Sawyer

Is it me? Am I the reason people always leave? Am I the reason all these things keep happening to me? Maybe I'm just destined to be alone.

I let you unknot me and you got lost in the strands

Just because you said you didn't want to hurt me, didn't make it hurt any less.

Home

How is it, that this whole time I have neglected the fact that home is not a place, but a person. It never mattered to me where I was, it has always been who I was with that made me feel at home.

There's very few people in this world who you are going to feel at complete peace with and I think it is more crucial than I realised to take a hold of those people and don't let them out of your sight, regardless.

Sometimes, I am scared I have already lost you.

You Make Me Smile

Lately..

I am so tired of making everyone that damn disappointment in me!

Hmph

"Love and electricity are one in the same thing, my dear. If you do not feel a jolt in your soul everytime a kiss is shared, a whisper is spoke, a touch is felt; then you are not really in love at all"

Let It Go..

Today I am going to sort everything out. It's not going to happen, but I'm going to feel a hell of a lot better about myself if I at least try to put in some effort to do this.

I just need a mountain, and a lot of rocks!

A trip to the dentist.

Today, my dentist said to me "you just have to become numb; once you are numb, life is good".
For some reason, I really think he was talking about more than a dental procedure. He got it pretty god-damn right too.

♥

Resentment

'You have changed so much that I don't know if I could call you and tell you I care'

I miss your smile; but I miss mine so, so much more.

A Letter..

Because we both seem to be having trouble conveying a lot of things lately, I've decided to write it down for you. Please be patient with me while we decide where this all lies.

Sly,

This has all come out of no where, for me anyway. You've come and turned my head all upside down and I'm having a difficult time deciding where my feet should land exactly. You're far too sweet for my own good, and as I told you before, I despise having feelings that I know I cannot act upon. You have come in and told me all these things that I didn't know I was waiting to hear. You have confirmed some of my own thoughts and made me look at things differently. I wasn't ready for any of this, hell I'm still as broken and dark as I've ever been, but somehow you are pulling me up to this surface, showing me that light still shines somewhere, and that one day all this is going to go away and I'll realise a lot about people that I've recently neglected.

You are such a beautiful man and I am unsure as to how you have gotten yourself into such a foresaken situation. I only hope that I can help you through all this without being bias to my own feelings, which I am still undecided about.

I'm undecided...about pretty much everything, but I appreciate you taking your time, whether you realise it or not, you are putting my pieces back together, something that I haven't been able to work out how to do for myself yet.

Don't go away too soon, this feels... well in summing it up, I can actually FEEL something.

♥

Expiry

This normality I'm facing at the moment has become more tedious than I could explain. I think it's time for a change on grand scale. I think maybe there is a move in order, a fresh setting to relieve all this pressure and these constant reminders of things that once were, and things that long to be.

This consistency has passed it's expiry date.

A Favourite

"I think about you sometimes. I don’t think you realized how many pieces of you are left here for me to desperately try to avoid. I think about you and the way you were a part of me that I never openly admitted to you. We’d say it in these coded verses, in the quiet corners that our kind has always been native to.
I sometimes think you thought that maybe you were an exception to our own rule. That maybe you thought I’d hold on, maybe you thought I’d try my hardest to make sure you knew we were still something, that you were still alive here. You are still alive here. but you’re gone. And sometimes I remember that you’ve been gone for a long time. That maybe you were gone before you even really left.
I showed you a lot of parts of me. These fevered and star-crossed parts that I kept reserved for the kinds of people who maybe didn’t need to be told about them. The kinds of people who would see them and say “i know.” The quiet ones, the careful ones, the kind that crept across from corner to corner finding things that no one else would ever notice and holding them closer and closer until they burned through whatever logic said that none of this would ever bring you any further from what you were running from. And we were always running. I sometimes think you thought that you showed me parts of you too. But I had to pull them out of you. I had to persuade your secrets to not blow me off the way they always wanted to. I had to, not because I thought I had a right to, but because maybe I wanted a very strange and very buried part of you to half-belong to me. I'm not ashamed. I am not so detached, I am not so cold.
I loved you in the dark the same way I loved you in the light. And there were times when I wasn’t sure if I could say the same for you. But I loved you regardless. And it was never yours, it was always mine. I know this now because it did not depend on you. It had nothing to do with whether you could reciprocate the feeling. I wasn’t looking for mutual interests. I wasn’t looking for anything. I just loved you, not because I had to or felt compelled to, but because I found you and I saw you and sometimes, in the right moments, you found me too.
Now the leaves are turning yellow like they always do in November, and I’m having a hard time here. They always tell you that sometimes the things you love will disappear, disintegrate in the middle of a single moment. What they don’t say is that when they finally go they accidentally leave ghosts. And I’m afraid of ghosts. They all seem to know me too well"

I'm sorry

That it could never be as simple as it appeared. I've got onion-like layers hiding me from the truth.

Questioning

Why am I still here after all the shit you have put me through??

Well to be honest, I ask myself that exact question everyday. But regardless of that, I am still here, just like I promised you I would be from the very first day, and every day that followed. The days that I loved you and the days when I down right hated you... the one and only thing those days had in common was the fact that I was always there for you. That didn't change and it isn't about to now. If I go back on my word, it will be as if all this didn't mean anything to me, as if every other promise that I made you had an attached expiry date too. The truth is, there isn't anything you could do to me that will make me turn my back on you, and although it's not your fault, you need to know just how much I resent you for it.