It's funny you know, I used to watch One Tree Hill and so clearly identify myself with Peyton, except it wasn't just me, a lot of other people said they could see it too. Sure, I don't have crazy mothers, I wasn't adopted and I most certainly do not have a pyschopatic stalker following me, but it's still all there.
Apparently, I have that "deep, tortured thing", that pain, but also the way I have changed that to more of an independence than a pain. I've redefined myself and what I want to an extent. I don't know really who I am, but I know what defines me. I have a painful need to be at peace with myself, even if that means shutting off from those around me. I follow all the little bands around and like to be a small band groupie and other things. I can't seem to tell anyone how I feel... about anything. I've had my share of what we refer to as 'close calls' and I know how short life is. Not to mention the drama and other lovely little similarities.
We always laughed, when we'd watch this show and Peyton would shoot a look, make a decision or say something that I had recently done. It was odd and uncanny.
But today, we have a Hannah/Peyton similarity on a new level;
People always leave .
I hate getting close to people, letting them in, because they always leave. More times than not, they have left through means that are understandable, but it doesn't make it any easier to accept.
This year alone, my two very best left, to opposite sides of Australia and of course I do not love them any less, but it is not the same, to any extent.
In the next month, one of the biggest parts of my life will leave me for the very last time to set on his little journey for the rest of his life, and while I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that he will no longer be here for me in my times of dire need, I put on one hell of smile for him, because he doesn't want to know how broken he makes me.
It's what we do, put on a face for the people we love. However I made a direct decision after the three biggest people in my life left my side within 12 months. I promised myself no attachments. Yes, the stupidity of that promise makes me laugh at myself also, but in all reality, to me, not getting attached to people is much less painful than letting them go.
Despite this, in the last couple of weeks I broke my promise to myself. I got attached, let someone in, even though I knew that it honestly was going to do nothing but hurt me. None the less, I decided to wash away my promise to myself like yesterday's rain water in a gutter. Today, he tell's me he is leaving. I don't know what I want, and I understand that that is ridiculous, but I don't know what you want to hear from me. I can not guarntee you anything. But if you want to know what I want, it sure as shit isn't this much space... or the responsibility of this decision. I can't understand how you sweep me off my feet and leave town and expect me to be okay... because I am not.
Point: People always leave.
Apparently, I have that "deep, tortured thing", that pain, but also the way I have changed that to more of an independence than a pain. I've redefined myself and what I want to an extent. I don't know really who I am, but I know what defines me. I have a painful need to be at peace with myself, even if that means shutting off from those around me. I follow all the little bands around and like to be a small band groupie and other things. I can't seem to tell anyone how I feel... about anything. I've had my share of what we refer to as 'close calls' and I know how short life is. Not to mention the drama and other lovely little similarities.
We always laughed, when we'd watch this show and Peyton would shoot a look, make a decision or say something that I had recently done. It was odd and uncanny.
But today, we have a Hannah/Peyton similarity on a new level;
People always leave .
I hate getting close to people, letting them in, because they always leave. More times than not, they have left through means that are understandable, but it doesn't make it any easier to accept.
This year alone, my two very best left, to opposite sides of Australia and of course I do not love them any less, but it is not the same, to any extent.
In the next month, one of the biggest parts of my life will leave me for the very last time to set on his little journey for the rest of his life, and while I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that he will no longer be here for me in my times of dire need, I put on one hell of smile for him, because he doesn't want to know how broken he makes me.
It's what we do, put on a face for the people we love. However I made a direct decision after the three biggest people in my life left my side within 12 months. I promised myself no attachments. Yes, the stupidity of that promise makes me laugh at myself also, but in all reality, to me, not getting attached to people is much less painful than letting them go.
Despite this, in the last couple of weeks I broke my promise to myself. I got attached, let someone in, even though I knew that it honestly was going to do nothing but hurt me. None the less, I decided to wash away my promise to myself like yesterday's rain water in a gutter. Today, he tell's me he is leaving. I don't know what I want, and I understand that that is ridiculous, but I don't know what you want to hear from me. I can not guarntee you anything. But if you want to know what I want, it sure as shit isn't this much space... or the responsibility of this decision. I can't understand how you sweep me off my feet and leave town and expect me to be okay... because I am not.
Point: People always leave.
'At this moment there are 6,470,818,671 people in the world. Some are running scared. Some are coming home. Some tell lies to make it through the day. Others are just not facing the truth. Some are evil men, at war with good. And some are good, struggling with evil. Six billion people in the world, six billion souls. And sometimes... all you need is one'
-Peyton Sawyer
Is it me? Am I the reason people always leave? Am I the reason all these things keep happening to me? Maybe I'm just destined to be alone.
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