Q&A

What happened today? If it was the last day of your life, how satisfied would you be with your final hours?
I got fired from my job, so no... Obviously I would not be content.

Who are you? In comparison to who you used to be. What made you change?
I do not know who I am at the moment, I'll get back to you when I figure it out.

Where have you been spending your time lately? Three/Five/Ten years ago would you have expected to be there?
Planning my travels/at Jamies/ working. Besides the travel, no I would never have assumed myself to be there.

What do you think it means to be in love?
As generic as it is, I think you can only describe it to the person you are in love with.

Pick a song that projects the same mood as your day or week and explain.
Sadder than you - Angus & Julia.

Talk about a recent experience that has effected you greatly and how.
I fell in love - it effected me in ways I care not to explain currently as I was told to ignore the feeling.

Think of the last person you hugged. What would you do if they vanished completely?
I would vanish.

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
Overseas, probably with a new name.

Did you have a good day or a bad day? Where do you think that defining line was?
I had a hideous day. The defining line was being asked to resign or bring fired LOL, how's that for a defining line.

Do you feel protective over someone?
Jamie + J. I don't like my boys getting hurt, I'll have their backs regardlessly.

When you are stressed, what can you use as an outlet? Why do you think it helps you?
I sing, write or run, depending on what it is that I am stressed over. It always helps - singing and writing because I can do them well and it's primarily feelings that you deal with, and running because it gives you another pain to focus on.

What do you believe in? And not just God or atheism.
Peace, faith, hope, trust, karma, inspiration. They are what I believe in.

Who was the last person you kissed? (If you are still with them now, pick the person before them.) What would they say if they saw you now?
I am not with him now, He was never with me as much as I was with him. If he saw me now, he perhaps might say he is too busy to talk.

If you could be anywhere in the world, but you had to be there for a certain cause, where would you be and why?
New York, I would organize a new PETA protest.

Has anyone said something nice to you this week?
Jeanettey, Kiri and Heidi had my back all day today and have come up with multiple scandalous plans.

Talk about a moment where you were truly happy. What was happening? Who were you with?
The obvious recent ones I am avoiding because I have made a sort of pact to stop sobbing ha. So hm, I had good days with J sometimes, when we weren't at each others throats (rare). I remember when we would just lie on the couch/in bed all day and watch crappy movies and pretend that there was no world outside those windows. I was always happy on those days, it doesn't take much.

Is there a friend you are worried about? Why do they have you concerned? Do you think they’ll be okay?
J, he is terminally ill. So in turn, no he wont be okay.

Would you rather someone tell you the truth up front but gently, or be lied to to spare your feelings?
I wish I was given this option 3 months ago. I prefer the truth please.

Look back on this last month and talk about it.
There have been a lot of ups and downs. I came into this year with big plans, I (do not roll your eyes) found a beautiful man with whom I would have happily spent the rest of my life with. I also booked a trip to melbourne, which i returned from today and booked a trip to Europe. I have gone for three job interviews, lost & gained friends. I have latched on to someone that i had long ago let go of and changed who i was. I found my way and discovered my purpose. Overall, it has been a crazy month and I surely do not blame myself for my temporary battle with insanity.

I pretty much got fired today, very productive day :/

Lost

"You're my devil, you're my angel. You're my heaven, you're my hell. You're my now, you're my forever. You're my freedom, you're my jail. You're my lies, you're my truth. You're my war, you're my truce. You're my questions, you're my proof."

My favorite artist, Bon Iver, remixed with the wonderfully gifted, Kanye West. Such perfect words!

Good on you, Walt Disney

“ Please don’t go away. No one’s ever stuck with me so long. I know it’s there, cause when I look at you, I can feel it. And I look at you and I’m home. Please..I don’t want it to go away. I don’t want to forget"

-Finding Nemo

How Do You Know

I constantly hear the term 'best friend' thrown around. Everyone seems to be everyone else's best friend and I see it as nothing but a grading system. I question who is closest to me and what factors would lead them to be deemed closest.
After consideration, and a lack of Blogging introduction, I thought I would write a little bit about each of my 'best' friends that are commonly spoken about here and let you all decide who may or may no be my best friend.

Olivia: My loveliest friend, with who I have gotten through some pretty rough stuff. She has been the one who taught me that there was nothing in this world that I could not conquer should I put my mind to it, constantly reassuring me that I am far greater and more capable than I choose to believe. She makes me want to do better, go further and be more. Very much accountable for the person I am today.

CBee (Clairebee): We've had ups and downs, but we have always come out on top. She has taught me how very important it is to go after your dreams and not to let things stand in your way. She keeps me positive and always makes me look at things in angles unforeseen to get the best out of any given situation I may have landed myself in.

Jamie: My Jamie :)! Who holds majority of my secrets and has the power to completely ruin me should he see fit. He knows me inside and out, and is the one who can look at me when I am smiling and still know that something is wrong. The wonderful one that puts up with my company day in, day out regardless of how crappy my mood is, how many tantrums I have thrown or how many bad things I may have done. The only one in this world that drops everything when I need him and is by my side. Would be so lost without him.

& Lastly, J: The first person to find my heart... and then take responsibility for completely destroying it, ha! The one that leads me to believe there can be friendship on the other side of a relationship, regardless of how rocky it may be. The one I call no matter how turmoil the situation is that I get myself into with silly boys. Although he has never approved of a relationship outside of our own, he always comforts me when I screw up or get screwed over, reminding me that I should not second guess myself, and that I deserve a boy that would move mountains for me, not one who causes more pain than I wish to speak of. This boy is the only one who I can count on to make me feel like a million bucks when I am flat broke & the day I find someone who makes me happy will be the best day of his life because he won't have to deal with my fits haha.


So there you have it, my 'best' friends and a bit of an insight to the people in my stories. I could never call one better than the other, so I suppose we are all equal.

MissedChances; Mistakes

Today I got one step closer to sealing an opportunity I’ve been hoping for for some time now. I know that opportunity does not knock forever, and I have been offered a lot of opportunities of late that have been left unanswered due to waiting for something more. Today, I also unfortunately learnt that the something more I had been waiting for was no different than all the rest, and I suppose the worst part is that I always knew this, I was simply unable to accept that the one piece of magic left in the world that I had uncovered was a fake. I refuse to let this slip opportunity away.

Supposedly Thought-Provoking

1. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?
45 haha, I'd make such a good middle-aged woman.

2. If you had the opportunity to get a message across to a large group of people, what would your message be?
This is it, the sign you've been waiting for, you have to do it now.

3. Is it possible to lie without saying a word?
Probably the most common of lies.

4. If not now, then when?
Never. Opportunity won’t knock forever.

5. What would you do differently if you knew nobody would judge you?
Nothing, I do everything now without worry of judgement.

6. Are you holding onto something that you need to let go of?
Someone.

7. Have you done anything lately worth remembering?
Someone, ha.

8. Who do you love? What are you doing about it?
He knows. And besides testing my patience, I’m not doing a hell of a lot about it to be pathetically honest.

9. When is it time to stop calculating risk and rewards, and just do what you know is right?
Now.

10. Do you think crying is a sign of weakness or strength?
It varies with any given situation.

11. Would you break the law to save a loved one?
Without doubt.

12. What is something you want to say to the person on your mind?
The one who makes me Tweety (pj): You are so full of magic and so absolutely wonderful. I am awestruck by you constantly and now I only wish I could make you feel the things that you taught me how to feel. I did not know how lonely I would be when you pulled away, but I hold onto those dark nights like grains of sand, refusing to let them slip through the sieve of my fingertips. You showed me your tricks and you are the magic man & I will forever be under your spell.

13. Do you ask enough questions? Or do you settle for what you know?
I question everything constantly. Mostly, myself.

14. Do you celebrate the things you do have?
Not as much as I should, but then does anyone?

15. When it’s all said and done will you have said more than you’ve done?
Absolutely not.

16. When was the last time you tried something new?
In December, I had caramel slice for the first time. It felt as though I had all but wasted 18 years of this delicious goodness.

17. Which activities make you lose track of time?
Writing would definitely be my biggest time sucker, followed closely by singing.

18. If you could do it all over again, would you change anything?
Most definitely. There are so many things that I would not re-do should I have been given the option.

19. What is the difference between living and existing?
Everyone exists, but so few live. Then again, many live and even fewer are alive. I’ll leave that for your own consideration.

20. If you had a friend who spoke to you in the same way that you sometimes speak to yourself, how long would you allow that person to be your friend?
Honestly, forever.

21. If you had to teach something, what would you teach?
Societal and Cultural values and exceptions. Or Modern History so we could possibly live in the hope of not making the same treacherous mistakes.

22. Time or money?
I would say time, however I wouldn’t like a long timespan if I am going to be homeless and unhappy. But money doesn’t mean all that much to me, so it seems the lesser of the two options.

23. Are you aware that someone has it worse than you?
All my clients at work have it worse than me, and then there are so many entire nations that have it worse than all of them combined.

24. What makes you smile?
Finding somewhere that feels like home, even if it is temporary and unrealistic.

25. What would you regret not fully doing, being, or having in your life?
Doing: Whatever felt right at the time
Being: Happy
Having: Happiness

Conflicting Opinions

I suppose I can't really miss you to the extent that I do, you were never mine to miss. I suppose that I shouldn't really think about you with every passing hour of the day, as you were never really mine to consider.
And I suppose I could continue, but that sums it up simply. You were never really mine, never as much I was yours anyway.
Now you refer to me as your ex-lover and I still refer to you as the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I'd like to say that it's funny, the way these things turn out... But that's the last word I would associate with this situation.

All of me,

Living alternatively in a world where actions speak louder than words, I refuse to apologise for wanting something more. My words are all I had to offer you until you found something more. Unfortunately even that something more wasn't good enough.

Daisy's Dream

Today I went to a small gig in a little indie town of Sydney with a few friends. It was so amazing, even when the lead singer/songwriter personally dedicated the only two love songs to me, using my name and caused a bit of attention to turn my way. I swear that my face did not go quite as red as my hair. Made me giggle, such a special day ♥

What makes love the exception?

Do you feel it...

Is someone getting the best of you?.

Caught out.

I know that I write about you too much when even my iPad auto-corrects misspelt words changing them to your name, especially considering your name is not common in the slightest.

Bare

It’s time that I say I’m sorry. I’m sorry about the way the rain fell on the tinted windows, the notes and the fruit flowers magnet I carry around and all of the words that fell out of my mouth that shouldn’t have been said. I’m sorry for that time you picked me up and I ruined everything and that I couldn’t look at you because I didn’t want you to know how broken I was and that I couldn’t really tell you why. I don’t forgive you for what you have made me feel because I do not want to, but I know you won’t forgive me for pushing you to do it. And I’m sorry about the way I look at you like you are my universe, sorry for always calling back too many times because you are always the last thought in my head before I sleep, sorry for never giving up. I’m sorry for the tension that is strewn between us even though you are the most important person in my life, and I am sorry that I do not regret this in the slightest. I am sorry because I do not know how I lost you when my universe had highlighted you and pointed a massive arrow in your direction. I’m sorry you did not want our world to be rain falling on tinted windows, notes, fruit flowers and all the words that fell out of my mouth. I watch you separate your world from mine, watch you separate everything that I want, so that it is just slightly out of my reach. I realise that even though my entire world is now the smell of you, and our perfect height together, empty car parks and song lyrics, the way I fit into your arms and the way I would choose to talk to you over any other person walking this planet, it is not your whole world. My entire world and your world are being separated. But you learn to grow, you remember because you cannot bear to forget. We lived in the future of our dreams because the present was far too real to grasp. Mostly, you fit where there is a gap, like ivy, we can only grow where there is room for us. Every day, for the rest of forever, I vow to be the best friend that you could ever ask for. Even when you would rather I was anything but.

Fresh Air

Firstly, I'd like to apologise for the horrible excuse of blog posts that I have been updating lately. It's safe to say I had lost my head for quite some time and avoided feeling anything remotely real. But now I am back. I almost killed myself with some intense training this evening, and I have just massacred two kilograms of watermelon.
I got Heidi back today, and I told her all of my stories from the previous couple of weeks, all the points of views, the betrayals, the deception, the good and the bad. And she did what she always does, she spurts out one killer line of advice that solves everything. I talked to her for the best part of 8 hours today, and that one line that she had just made everything else fall into place.

I have a lot to look forward to this week, but a lot is also going to change.

So now I am over my rubbish, and even more so over the embarrassing posts.
I have had my breath of fresh air and it's time to start clean.

Numb

I always expect it to hurt less, but its the same fucking bullshit every god damned time.

See Me

Get up, get out, get away from these liars
'Cause they don't get your soul or your fire.
Take my hand, knot your fingers through mine
And we'll walk from this dark room for the last time.
Every minute from this minute now
We can do what we like anywhere.
I want so much to open your eyes
'Cause I need you to look into mine.
-Open Your Eyes, Snow Patrol ♥

So much more than a beautiful, well written song, let me know when you understand the story.

Timing

H.Cee says (9:41 PM):
What is there to come back for?
J says (9:41 PM):
You.


I can not do this anymore.

Safe

An almost lovely day today.
I got my massage, and I like this place because they don't speak to you, it's just relaxing and peaceful. Today, the poor lady very apologetically interrupted my silence to ask what perfume I was wearing because it was wonderful. Ha, this perfume has earnt me more compliments this week than anything else. A lovely, thoughtful present from the most wonderful of people.

This was followed by lunch and movies. I have not giggled that much since, well since I can recall anyway. And now it's snuggles for bed, set up with my two favourite movies.

6 sleeps till my lunch meeting and 7 sleeps till I get C.beebee back!

All paths lead me to you.

i look at you and I wonder sometimes how I was fortunate enough to have someone to show me the way. I look at you, and I seem to see you in a different light to the previous hundred people that have looked at you and I see you in a way that you wouldn't usually see people. I see the good shine through all the bad, I see the gleem of hard work, the sweat of dedication and the furrowed brow of frustration. I do not mean to make your life hard, or complicated. And in those few moments that I look at you when it was just us hiding from this bad world, you lose your furrowed brow and sweat. Sometimes, in the dark, when I look really closely I can see the pain slip away from your face, even just for the tiniest of moments. For the rest of my life, I want to spend my time smoothing your furrowed brow, wiping away the problems and frustrations of this world and making it the place you deserve to rest. I want to look at your crooked smile and the wrinkles that form around your eyes when you smile that particular smile, when you remember that you deserve to be happy. I want to hear you laugh when I say something idiodic instead of seeing your grimace at giving up something you once desired. I want you to travel and show this world every damn thing you have to offer. I want you to change people's lives like you changed my own. It's almost as if you've closed a lid on this box, containing all your magic. That's the biggest crime, you are hiding all this wonderfulness you have from the world. I said that I saw your good shine through, that good is worth showing the world. 
 
This life is sometimes tricky. To figure out your path, and to find your way. Most people never do. I was one of the lucky ones, one of the chosen few who found their path. My path just happened to wind up under your feet, and so for the rest of my life, inevitably you are going to play a role, whether you be aware of it or not. Like seperate knots on a length of string, always connected, despite how far we may be from each other. 

Insomnia

This was supposed to be a 30 day challenge, but I just got off the phone to my favorite person and now I seem to be more awake than ever!


1: Name two of the most significant people in your life and explain why.
Mom: Although we argue more than George Bush and a group of hippies, she was the person in this world who always taught me to go after what i wanted, and that nothing was too good to be true if I fought hard enough.
Syl: because I'm not who I am now without him. I don't know who i was before him.


2: What is your stance on religon? Would you affiliate yourself with any?
I pray occasionally, but I am unsure of who to. I believe there is more than one greater good. I wouldn't directly affiliate myself with any. I'd be closest to buddhism. 

3: What band / musician is most important to you?  Explain why.
Bon Iver. He explains everything that I never could. And if you are one of the few lucky ones to know his true story, you'd be inspired too.

4: If you could chose a time period to be born at , which one would it be and why?
The 1940's. I could grow up through American bandstand and amazing music of the 50's and hit my peak in the 60's and be an even bigger hippie than I am now.

5: At what age were you the happiest?
Undecided.

6: Name five things from your wishlist.
See my bucket list in previous posts.

7: Do you read? If so, what are your three favorite books and why?
Eat, Pray, Love.
Tenth Circle.
My Sisters Keeper. Although these change weekly. I like books that make me feel more than they make me read.

8: If you could live anywhere, where would you live and why?
In solace, I believe it to be pleasant once you find it.

9: How old do you think you act? Explain.
60, every one always remarks on what a grandma I am.

10: If you could only live off of one food and one beverage for the rest of your days, what would they be?
Water and fruit, easily pleased.

11: What is your favorite quote? How does it relate to your life?
Ah man, I have a whole book full. At the moment I am living by one that is all about not letting the bitterness steal your sweetness. It relates to everything at the moment. 

12: What item of clothing do you wear the most?
Underwear.

13: What can you not live without?
Oxygen.

14: Name things that you do every day.
Breathe, blink, laugh, love.

15: Who is someone you admire. Why?
My uncle, after being told he would never walk again, he won a gold medal for my country. That is one of his smaller achievements in my eyes, he is a blessed man.

16: If the world were to end tomorrow, what would you do with your remaining time on earth?
Be honest.

17: What do you want to be when you get older? Why did you choose it?
A traveller. Because I do not have a home.

18: If you could meet anyone, living or dead, who would it be? What would you say to them or ask them?
I would like to speak to my Grandmother. Even though i did for a long time, I would like to know if she was proud of what I gave become.

19: What is your favorite film? Why is it so important to you?
I really like Into the Wild, In the Land of Woman, The Secret Life of Bees and Almost Famous. They are my favorites, they all have the same message, going after what you want.

20: Would you consider yourself an optimist or a realist? Why?
Realist. I always look at the situation from the viewpoint of what is most likely to happen.

21: Do you want children? Why or why not?
Yes, because my maternal instincts are too strong to go to waste.

22: What subject did / do you exceed in / at school?
History/geo/English/society.

23: Are you a fan of art? If so, who is your favorite artist? What artistic movement do you prefer?
Writing, I have far too many to list.

24: How attractive do you consider yourself?
I don't really worry about it. I care about people who look for beauty on the inside, I'm not fussed for shallow company.

25: Would you rather date someone plain with an amazing personality or someone beautiful with a plain personality?
The plain person, Like I told steve today, in twenty years I want to sit down and have a conversation with the love of my life, I don't want to sit down with a man that was once handsome who bores the daylight out of me.

26: Choose two: mentally stable, intelligent, attractive. Explain why you chose those two.
Mentally stable and intelligent. Stability is critical, and I hate dumb people.

27: Which do you prefer: films or television? Why?
Films, I don't have the patience for meaningless tv.

28: If you could choose to live forever, would you? Why or why not?
Yes, I feel like there is enough to do in this world to last me until the world ends.

29: Do you wish for anything at 11:11? If so, what do you wish for? Has anything ever come true?
I wish for the same thing every day, it came true for a little while.

30: What do you imagine your life like at age fifty?
Amazing. I want to be one of those old couples on the nrma adds that are more in love than I have ever seen. I want to be covered in little grandchildren and my family and be serene and happy.

A Series of Events

I had the weirdest day today.
I actually saved someone's life. That was a feeling I could never describe, regardless of how many words or descriptions I could give you. I've never been in such a situation, and I only wish to never experience it again. Was an eventful start to my day, that I hope will not occur regularly.

The last 6 out of 8 hours of my work day were spent with my wonderful Steve, giving each other relationship advice and talking about relationship experiences we've had. We were laughing at how well all my advice worked for him, besides one dieting situation :\ HA!. Such a good man, he deserves to be so happy. My life would be so dull without him making me laugh all day, every day, and even most nights when I accidentally call him at 1am and he still has new jokes to tell me.

I also found out today that my super smart best friend got into her triple degree uni course. As if her double degree wasn't enough, let us now add Law on top. I could not be prouder!

I was also reminded, that this time in a few months I will be in France :)!

After this morning's event, I looked at my life in a different light. I realised so very many things.
I am very lucky, even if I am missing the thing I want most.

Figuring it out

Sometimes it's important to find out where you stand with people. Other times, they make it evident that they would rather stand alone than with you at all. I get it now...

Knotty

I felt like I had taken the biggest leap forward this week, but not it seems as though the ground I landed on is ultimately shakey, and it is up to me whether or not I'm going to keep my balance or let it all fall out from underneath me.

I had one of those days today, where you feel like the loneliest person on this planet. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of friends and I love each of them dearly, but this afternoon when I had my melt down, there were very few I wanted to call. In fact there were two, one who was busy and the other who didn't even bother to get back to me. I guess that's what happens when you wear two faces to the world, you wind up getting confused as to which one is real.
When I said I was willing to be whatever you needed me to be, I suppose I didn't realise that you included 'invisible' in that grouping. You also said you didn't want me to go anywhere, that you like me being around, but I suppose I also didn't realise that you cutting me out of your life was an option.

So I drove around for 3 hours tonight, giving my ever-strained vocal cords a heavy work out, making lyrics out of my contemplation. Thinking about the stupid abuse at work this morning, thinking about my lack of honesty and lack of decision making. Thinking about how much I hate waking up in an empty bed every morning and how much I hate lying. Thinking about my lack of a lot of things I currently need.

Then just as I pulled myself together, I saw the one car I have been looking for all week. Shame the person driving it was the person I envy most in this world. I think it's weird, to so strongly dislike someone that you have never met. But I swear on the stars above me, I swallowed my heart whole when I saw it.

Today's Tarot Reading

'A crisis on the romantic front cannot be totally excluded today, dear Hannah. It could be that you have to make a choice between two partners, two different ways of spending the evening, or two different invitations. This, at least is what the Lovers and the Star suggest. and they're not making it easy for you! To make matters worse, things are a little tense today, misunderstandings abound, and your own doubts are making everyone around you feel uncomfortable too. At work, the Lovers herald a series of misunderstandings in your dealings with those around you. Your colleagues, clients, boss or associates don't bring you everything you'd hoped for. It's a day of false promises, hesitancy, and unreliability. In an atmosphere like this, doubts and uncertainties leave you disheartened for a while. So wait until tomorrow to react: the wind might turn in your favor.'

This couldn't have been more true about every aspect of my day if I had written it myself.

Waiting on An Angel

Everyday, I fight back the urge to text you or talk to you. I'm telling myself that if you wanted to speak to me you would.

Floating

Odd day really.
It dawned on me that this time in eight months I will be in London, well I will have started my day in London, but I suppose I will be in Paris at this actual time. Definitely did not see myself in Europe this year. Kind of spooky, but I couldn't be more thrilled.

Besides figuring out that I'll be in Paris in less than eight months, the rest of the day was pretty mean to me. I said goodbye for the last time to the person who has been most influential in all my decisions for the last two years. I expected it to be so much different, but then again, I should learn not to expect things anymore.

I then ventured over to see two friends who I had somewhat cut out of my life last year, which did nothing but reiterate my lack of clarity when making some of the decisions I made in the last six months. I very seldom miss people, but letting go of those two was a mistake of massive proportion.

And lastly for the day, I go to sleep missing my closest companion, whom I am almost certain is not talking to me anymore, although I refuse to accept that I've lost him. I wish I could tell him about Melbourne and Europe and saying goodbye and welcoming people. I wish I could tell him about the changes I am making in my life, so he could tell me I was going to be okay because for some reason, he is the only one I'll believe. I wish I could just ask him how he is and apologise for a couple of things I didn't want to write about on here. Maybe I've used up my wishes though. Still, I miss you.

New Start

I was never a fan of the story, I didn’t fancy the idea of children being cooked in an edible house, but Hansel once said to Gretel all those years ago, "Let us drop these bread crumbs so that together we can find our way home. Because losing our way would be the most cruel of things".

Over the last six months, I have lost my way more times than I could possibly count. This weekend I have found my way, or in some ways I have ended my journey. It is commonly said that the journey is more important than the destination, that it is the things that you have learnt and discovered throughout the journey that will make the arrival what it is. Once I had reached my destination, it wasn’t me who had arrived. If I look back to the person I once was six months ago, and I look at the person that I am today, there are very few similarities that remain. I ventured alone sometimes, and at other times, I let people take me for a ride, I even let one take my heart. For a while I forgot who I was, or more I chose to ignore the person I was turning into and I was woken up. I was faced with the choice whether to lose myself completely or find the person I wanted to be, the person I am.

I can read back on my blogs, I can look at photos and I can look at friendships that no longer exist and see an evident change. However the biggest change, which in many ways is the far most important goes by unnoticed. I have grown mentally and emotionally in ways that I never knew possible.

In the last six months, I have lost a lot of things that I cared about a great deal. I lost friends, some to death, others to situations I care not to discuss. I lost the respect of a lot of people around me. I lost my reason for doing most things. And in turn, like I said, I lost myself.

However, I was granted what I was subconsciously wishing for most in a form that I did not expect. I wanted to love someone completely, to make all of the old pain and the cobwebs go away. I wanted to be so full of someone else so I would stop being so empty of myself. I was blessed with the most kind, gentle, beautiful and warm man. My Syl, who revived heart and swept the constant numbness out of my life and whilst I did not get the ending I had hoped for, I would not take back one wonderful second with him. I once believed that losing your heart’s desire was tragic, but if having that feeling, even for such a short time is tragic, then you can give me tragedy any day of the week. He taught me a lot about life, love and sacrifice. He showed me a way of living and taught me things about myself I did not want to accept. I love him in a way that I cannot explain, but to put it simply – I love him for who the person he is, with or without me, thus it doesn’t change even when he is with someone else. Because you learn to be happy and he showed me that first hand. I know now that your heart may break, but that is not a time to give up, because that pain is real. That pain is life, and that pain reminds you every day that there is something so magical out there worth fighting for.

Over the last six months, I lost my way. I have now arrived, a separate person from the one that I have left behind. I am confident in the person that I am because of the things I have learnt in my journey. Losing your way in a journey is difficult, losing who you are is one of the hardest things to recover from, but losing your reason in life lays an outcome far crueller of which I almost a victim of. I have reason and I have purpose because one person forced me to wake up. It is the best gift I will probably ever be given.

I hope I can find my forever a home..

"Like a handless clock with numbers - an infinite of time,
Not like the forever found only in the mind.
Forever always seems to be around when things begin,
But forever never seems to be around when things end.
Give me your forever?
Please, your forever?
Not a day less will do,
From you."
-Ben Harper.

This has probably been my favourite song for about 4 years now. This is the most perfect story. Never ceases to catch my breath.

Melbourne, Australia.

Just booked tickets to go to Melbourne! First pivotal decision of yesterday is now complete! Now, moving on to number two.

Ch-ch-changing.

Some people say all the right things at exactly the right time.
You make everything better ♥.

Fresh

It seemed like the biggest effort in the world to get out of bed today, but I mustered up some determination and managed to do it. However as soon as I did, I looked in the mirror and whatever strength I had previously found quickly diminished and I crawled back into bed.

I was lying there, quite pathetically really, when I decided I couldn't do this anymore. So I did what I always do when I get myself into situations I refuse to deal with. I called the same person I always call, who I owe quite a lot to really. This call got me out of bed and moving, it was probably the saving grace that I didn't know I had been searching for for the last couple of weeks.

I make all of my pivotal decisions whilst brushing my teeth, and I made some pretty big ones today. I guess in a way I'm looking forward to what's about to come.

Dear 2011,

You can go away now. I have given you some time and did not let my first impressions of you taint my view, but I have made my decision that I do not like you and I would kindly appreciate if you pass quickly.

Kindest thanks,
Hannah Rose.

HA!

"If nothing else, the Devil and the card of Death will wake you up, Hannah, even if you're in some kind of emotional hibernation right now. You'll be stretching yourself and shaking off the melancholy that has been forcing you to keep a low profile"

Even when I feel as though lying in a ditch somewhere would be more preferable than facing the situations that I've created, I know I can count on my tarot cards. My card for love today, "death". How entirely appropriate.

Syl

I'm lying here with big dark circles under my eyes and my ears are ringing like never before but before I shut my eyes, I just wanted to tell you that i love you. Nothing is as good as when I am with you. I have tried and tried to find something, but there is nothing. So now, I don't care what everyone tells me, or what i should think, I love you. I wanted to tell you tonight a couple of time, but I know you are busy, and I know that breaks your rules. I don't expect anything in return. But I just wanted to tell you, that was all. I walked out and left by myself tonight. I'm going to wait for you, because there is nothing that I wouldn't give to be everything. Thank you for your patience tonight. All my love xxo 

Who Was I Kidding?

You are all exactly the same.

Made my bed.

You are right, this whole situation sucks, regardless of which angle you choose to examine it by.
It sucks that I am not going to be able to ring you crying in the middle of the night because some boy has screwed me over again, just so you can tell me it's my fault and make me laugh at the messes I get myself into.
It sucks that one day, way in the future, when my own children will ask me who the first person I loved was, or the first person that broke my heart was, and you aren't going to be around to show them.
It sucks that I wont be constantly searching for your ugly car anymore because you wont be around to drive it.
It sucks that I wont be questioned anymore when I stay out till all hours of the morning. Even though it made me angry sometimes, you always seemed to be the only one who noticed.
It sucks that I'm not going to have you screaming at me everytime something goes wrong in your life, even though it was never my fault. But just because it's us, and we've always blammed each other, and we've always made each other feel somewhat better about things.

But you know what really sucks, the fact that you are holding your increasing short time left over my head. I know your dieing and there isn't much time left and I'm dealing with it the very best I can. I dont have anyone else helping me through this, letting me lean on them. So I am dealing with your death alone, so keep throwing your insults, your criticism and your regrets at me. I'm through with your lies and games. I can't do this anymore.

It might seem like the worst time in the world to be closing the door on you, please know your death and you leaving me hurts more than I'll ever be able to explain, but no where near as much as the way you are currently treating me. I want to remember us the way we were, your last months shouldn't be tainted with the things you've recently done to me. This is one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make.

Suspense

You know that anxious, hard-to-breathe feeling you get whilst awaiting the reply of a really dicey message you've sent, I have that now.

Quite humourous really, when I know the chances of a reply are slim to none.

Stripping Back

This probably makes me a hypocrite, but I am feeling a little too much at the moment to let my care-factor rise all that high.

Some more important things I have realised, not additional, but literally of higher importance.

1: All games need rules. I don't care how long the name is and how many words we jam together, I need rules.

2: It hurts that you thought I would lie to you.

3: I need to stop letting people (person in particular) back from my past, there is a clear, distinctive reason he is there. I am at a lost as to why I keep overseeing this.

4: Lastly, I never let myself need anyone. Until now...

Pondering

Even though the year is just beginning, I feel unsettled already. Apparently 11 is a good number, who knows? However I have unearthed a few priceless lessons in the mere six days that have passed.

LESSON 1: Tennis is not a suitable life plan for myself.

I am terrible at tennis. Imagine the worst tennis player you have met and then triple their lack of ability, even then I am probably still giving my tennis skills some undeserved justice.

LESSON 2: - Option 1: If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all (this goes for both myself and the rumour starter) or Lesson Option #2 - Be a little more clever in your devious adventures.

There isn't much I hate more that people whom start rumours, especially about myself, that they can't back up. This person is very, very lucky with the treatment they received from me today, because there was a lot more that I wanted to say. It is safe to say that your location saved you.

LESSON 3: Consider whether people are worth the mess they create in your life. Generally, the answer is no.

I can clean the dirt people leave on my car so much easier than I can clean them off myself, (lesson of this morning).

LESSON 4: Three cheers for sorting yourself out Hannah!

This year, I have set myself two New Year's Resolutions (NYR) this year. I know millions of people set limitless, non-meaningful NYRs every year, but I have a incredibly strong determination to see both through. Unfortunately though, they are out of my control entirely, and both resolutions will end with the same result, either good or bad. Please keep your fingers crossed for me. I have set a strict time period for myself.

LESSON 5: The smaller things in life please me. (And those slurpees are lovely!!)

Tonight, I went for a walk all around my friend's suburb with him, and then had a lemon, lime & bitters slurpee. It was the best night I have had this year. All I seem to want anymore is company.

You'll be happy and wholesome again..

As the winter winds litter London with lonely hearts

Oh the warmth in your eyes swept me into your arms
Was it love or fear of the cold that led us through the night?
For every kiss your beauty trumped my doubt.

And my head told my heart, 'Let love grow',
But my heart told my head, 'This time no'.

-Winter Winds - Mumford & Sons