Over the last six months, I have lost my way more times than I could possibly count. This weekend I have found my way, or in some ways I have ended my journey. It is commonly said that the journey is more important than the destination, that it is the things that you have learnt and discovered throughout the journey that will make the arrival what it is. Once I had reached my destination, it wasn’t me who had arrived. If I look back to the person I once was six months ago, and I look at the person that I am today, there are very few similarities that remain. I ventured alone sometimes, and at other times, I let people take me for a ride, I even let one take my heart. For a while I forgot who I was, or more I chose to ignore the person I was turning into and I was woken up. I was faced with the choice whether to lose myself completely or find the person I wanted to be, the person I am.
I can read back on my blogs, I can look at photos and I can look at friendships that no longer exist and see an evident change. However the biggest change, which in many ways is the far most important goes by unnoticed. I have grown mentally and emotionally in ways that I never knew possible.
In the last six months, I have lost a lot of things that I cared about a great deal. I lost friends, some to death, others to situations I care not to discuss. I lost the respect of a lot of people around me. I lost my reason for doing most things. And in turn, like I said, I lost myself.
However, I was granted what I was subconsciously wishing for most in a form that I did not expect. I wanted to love someone completely, to make all of the old pain and the cobwebs go away. I wanted to be so full of someone else so I would stop being so empty of myself. I was blessed with the most kind, gentle, beautiful and warm man. My Syl, who revived heart and swept the constant numbness out of my life and whilst I did not get the ending I had hoped for, I would not take back one wonderful second with him. I once believed that losing your heart’s desire was tragic, but if having that feeling, even for such a short time is tragic, then you can give me tragedy any day of the week. He taught me a lot about life, love and sacrifice. He showed me a way of living and taught me things about myself I did not want to accept. I love him in a way that I cannot explain, but to put it simply – I love him for who the person he is, with or without me, thus it doesn’t change even when he is with someone else. Because you learn to be happy and he showed me that first hand. I know now that your heart may break, but that is not a time to give up, because that pain is real. That pain is life, and that pain reminds you every day that there is something so magical out there worth fighting for.
Over the last six months, I lost my way. I have now arrived, a separate person from the one that I have left behind. I am confident in the person that I am because of the things I have learnt in my journey. Losing your way in a journey is difficult, losing who you are is one of the hardest things to recover from, but losing your reason in life lays an outcome far crueller of which I almost a victim of. I have reason and I have purpose because one person forced me to wake up. It is the best gift I will probably ever be given.
No comments:
Post a Comment