Knotty

I felt like I had taken the biggest leap forward this week, but not it seems as though the ground I landed on is ultimately shakey, and it is up to me whether or not I'm going to keep my balance or let it all fall out from underneath me.

I had one of those days today, where you feel like the loneliest person on this planet. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot of friends and I love each of them dearly, but this afternoon when I had my melt down, there were very few I wanted to call. In fact there were two, one who was busy and the other who didn't even bother to get back to me. I guess that's what happens when you wear two faces to the world, you wind up getting confused as to which one is real.
When I said I was willing to be whatever you needed me to be, I suppose I didn't realise that you included 'invisible' in that grouping. You also said you didn't want me to go anywhere, that you like me being around, but I suppose I also didn't realise that you cutting me out of your life was an option.

So I drove around for 3 hours tonight, giving my ever-strained vocal cords a heavy work out, making lyrics out of my contemplation. Thinking about the stupid abuse at work this morning, thinking about my lack of honesty and lack of decision making. Thinking about how much I hate waking up in an empty bed every morning and how much I hate lying. Thinking about my lack of a lot of things I currently need.

Then just as I pulled myself together, I saw the one car I have been looking for all week. Shame the person driving it was the person I envy most in this world. I think it's weird, to so strongly dislike someone that you have never met. But I swear on the stars above me, I swallowed my heart whole when I saw it.