Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Moving Forward, Almost.
know they are baby steps, minuscule movements forward, but these steps represent the first budge I have even attempted to make in what has been over a year. These small movements, show the first sign I have even made to move myself away from the hole I have let you drag me into. Even though it will go by unnoticed by everyone, inside I know that I have finally started to move on, and move away from you and all the problems you have dragged me into.
I haven't been so proud of myself in such a long time.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Nothing Like A Little Bit of Bluntness
You know that feeling you get, when it's the beginning of the end? I have that at the moment, with three of my closest friends, like it's the end of our friendships you know. It's a bit sad, isn't it?
At least I imagine it would be if I even cared in the slightest anymore.
At least I imagine it would be if I even cared in the slightest anymore.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Everything will be okay If I just breathe.
For the first time in what feels like eternity I have ended a chase.
This chase started last August and has been keeping me tired and weak for over a year now. As of yesterday, this chase stopped. The fact that I have given up on this relationship in its entirety has triggered the end of a number of other things, beginning with people.
I have stopped running after every single person in my life, and for the first time I am waiting to see who runs after me. I know it may seem petty and childish and whatever other stereotypical category you’d like to push it into, but I seem to find myself to have completely given up on most people in my life (with a few exceptions of course).
For now, I am more than utterly content in this little solace I have found myself in. Maybe I was wiser when I was younger, when I had that mentality that no one could hurt me if I didn’t give them a chance, when I had never been broken by this stupid chase. That’s all it was, over a year of chasing each other and now I am tired... I am tired and broken and I have given up on you in your entirety. Congratulations, I wish all the best with your karma.
This chase started last August and has been keeping me tired and weak for over a year now. As of yesterday, this chase stopped. The fact that I have given up on this relationship in its entirety has triggered the end of a number of other things, beginning with people.
I have stopped running after every single person in my life, and for the first time I am waiting to see who runs after me. I know it may seem petty and childish and whatever other stereotypical category you’d like to push it into, but I seem to find myself to have completely given up on most people in my life (with a few exceptions of course).
For now, I am more than utterly content in this little solace I have found myself in. Maybe I was wiser when I was younger, when I had that mentality that no one could hurt me if I didn’t give them a chance, when I had never been broken by this stupid chase. That’s all it was, over a year of chasing each other and now I am tired... I am tired and broken and I have given up on you in your entirety. Congratulations, I wish all the best with your karma.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Undeserving.
Just once, I want to know, from your mouth why I wasn't good enough to deserve you.
I want to know what made me so bad and so unattainable to not deserve everything with you, like we had originally planned.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
30 minutes.
Because I am so horribly unsteady and we saw how the last 30 day blogspot challenge went, I shall suffice for turning this one into thirty minutes, rather than days...answering all these questions very spontaneously without much thought.
Day 1 - Your best friend.
Clairebee and Olivia, neither first or last - however both wonderfully beautiful, caring people of whom I can't say I deserve. Whatever I did to get these two people in my life, I would do it over and over again.
Day 2 - Your crush/lover.
My crush: Entirely off-base. Couldn't have him even if I wanted him - for so many insane reasons. Sometimes I truly hate narrow-minded society and wish people were a bit more free spirited like myself.
My lover: Well the one whom I am (unfortunatly and not by choice) in love with, does not love me back and while I am indeed coming to terms with this, it doesn't help in the slightest that everytime there is a small mishap in his life he runs to me to be rescued and we always fall right back into step of where we used to be...
Day 3 - Your parents.
Two of the most diverse people I have met. For two people to be so different and still make it work for over 20 years, well it kind of restores my faith in humanity a little bit.
Day 4 - Your sibling/closest relative.
Sibling: Big brother, I love him with my whole heart, he is going to be there for me till my very last breath and there isn't much I could do to change this.
Closest Relative: My uncle Dean, through thick and thin, he pulls me through everything without even knowing it, he is the light of my life.
Day 5 - Your dreams.
In life, well to travel around the world. I'm doing it in 16 months with Clairebee. Photos and adventures will all be posted on this blog, so stay tuned.
Day 6 - A stranger
Is only a stranger if you let them be.
Day 7 - An ex boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush.
Ex boyfriend/love: Your beautiful smile and body warmth will continue to sweep me off my feet until the day I die. Although you hurt me like no one has ever hurt me in my life, there is this massive tolerance I have created for you. Even though you made me crumble up into nothingness, not a day goes that I am not thankful that I had you. You are my very best, and very worst memories.
Crush: I'm too impatient to wait around for much longer, but to scared to be honest with you because I saw what happened last time I went through this, and I'd rather keep you as what you are than not have you at all.
Girlfriend: N/A.
Day 8 - Your favourite internet friend.
Patrick F: He always manages to put a smile on my face this boy, his wit and sarcasm is enough to brighten any other day.
Day 9 - Someone you wish you could meet.
Hm, I really have no idea. My future husband could be fun, get all this nonsense over with.
Day 10 - Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to.
Olivia and Claire, my two best friends. Everything seemed a lot easier when they lived 10 minutes away, but this whole interstate moving, both of you, really isn't easy on me.
Dat 11 - A deceased person you wish you could talk to.
My grandmother. I miss her more than words could explain, such a beautiful, kind lady. I love you Gran ♥ Also, my Uncle who recently passed away. My heart lies with him, everything changed that day.
Day 12 - The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain.
I do not hate him, not one bit, but my ex. He caused me the most pain hands down with no competition. To the extent that one day we were talking about suicide, because my friend has recently given his life to it, so we were talking about it and my ex said
to me "if you were to commit suicide, I wouldn't question it, I would know straight away it was my fault". At least he knew I guess.
Day 13 - Someone you wish could forgive you.
This is a trick question for me, because the person I seek forgiveness from the most, isn't yet aware of what I have done.
Day 14 - Someone you've drifted away from.
A lot of my friends since starting my new job, it goes part in parcel as they say.
Day 15 - The person you miss the most.
The person I used to be, can I say that...?
Day 16 - Someone that's not in your state/country.
Olivia!
Day 17 - Someone from your childhood.
Shannon, who was my childhood friend, from Kindergarten right through to high school. We wen't through so much together, it's a shame we parted really.
Day 18 - The person you wish you could be.The strong, independent person I was once, who didn't question her values and morals for anyones sake.
Day 19 - Someone that
pesters your mind - good or bad.
JLR. Everyday, without fail. He seems to be somewhat connected to everything I do/think.
Day 20 - The one that your heart the hardest.
This doesn't make sense in the slighest. But the one that was hardest on my heart, I'm sure you can all figure that out for yourselves.
Day 21 - Someone you judged by their first impression.
Most people to be completely honest with you.
Day 22 - Someone you want to give a second chance to.
I gave too many second chances, it has made me look like a fool so now I am tending to steer clear of giving out second chances.
Day 23 - The last person you kissed.
Krish, a very sweet man, the problem is, he is very sweet to a lot of people. However, like a lot of men, his priorities need sorting, starting with the truth, because in the last 3 months that we've been doing this, I seem to have uncovered more lies that truth from your mouth. All the same, I was very must in lust with you.
Day 24 - The person that gave you your favourite memory.
I think I have a favourite memory with each individual, rather than a favourite memory overall. So you'd have to ask my favourite memory with certain particulars for this question to be of any use.
Day 25 - The person you know that is going through the worst of times.
Two weeks ago, it was me. It tends to vary, a lot of people in my life go through some really terrible stuff. At the moment my heart it lying with my friend Gary, who may not lead on that he's having a tough time, but I know it's there, I just want him to know I'm also here, for even though I have not known him long, he is such a beautiful man and I cherish his friendship in amounts unexplainable ♥
Day 26 - The last person you made a pinky promise to.
I do remember making one only a few days ago, but for the life of me can't remember who.
Day 27 - The friendliest person you knew for only one day.
When I'm clubbing in the city, everyone is friendly, and that's only for a few hours.
Day 28 - Someone that changed your life.
JLR. Since you entered my life nothing was the same. I look at my life in three periods. The time before you, the time with you, and the time after you. None of them link, I feel as though each of these periods are not connected, you gave me three different lifetimes. I didn't think that one person would ever affect my life so much. I would thank you for changing me, but I am still unsure as to whether I like the person I am becoming, so I will get back to you.
Day 30 - Your reflection in the mirror.
Scares me sometimes, when I cannot even recognise myself.
Day 1 - Your best friend.
Clairebee and Olivia, neither first or last - however both wonderfully beautiful, caring people of whom I can't say I deserve. Whatever I did to get these two people in my life, I would do it over and over again.
Day 2 - Your crush/lover.
My crush: Entirely off-base. Couldn't have him even if I wanted him - for so many insane reasons. Sometimes I truly hate narrow-minded society and wish people were a bit more free spirited like myself.
My lover: Well the one whom I am (unfortunatly and not by choice) in love with, does not love me back and while I am indeed coming to terms with this, it doesn't help in the slightest that everytime there is a small mishap in his life he runs to me to be rescued and we always fall right back into step of where we used to be...
Day 3 - Your parents.
Two of the most diverse people I have met. For two people to be so different and still make it work for over 20 years, well it kind of restores my faith in humanity a little bit.
Day 4 - Your sibling/closest relative.
Sibling: Big brother, I love him with my whole heart, he is going to be there for me till my very last breath and there isn't much I could do to change this.
Closest Relative: My uncle Dean, through thick and thin, he pulls me through everything without even knowing it, he is the light of my life.
Day 5 - Your dreams.In life, well to travel around the world. I'm doing it in 16 months with Clairebee. Photos and adventures will all be posted on this blog, so stay tuned.
Day 6 - A stranger
Is only a stranger if you let them be.
Day 7 - An ex boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush.
Ex boyfriend/love: Your beautiful smile and body warmth will continue to sweep me off my feet until the day I die. Although you hurt me like no one has ever hurt me in my life, there is this massive tolerance I have created for you. Even though you made me crumble up into nothingness, not a day goes that I am not thankful that I had you. You are my very best, and very worst memories.
Crush: I'm too impatient to wait around for much longer, but to scared to be honest with you because I saw what happened last time I went through this, and I'd rather keep you as what you are than not have you at all.
Girlfriend: N/A.
Day 8 - Your favourite internet friend.
Patrick F: He always manages to put a smile on my face this boy, his wit and sarcasm is enough to brighten any other day.
Day 9 - Someone you wish you could meet.
Hm, I really have no idea. My future husband could be fun, get all this nonsense over with.
Day 10 - Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to.
Olivia and Claire, my two best friends. Everything seemed a lot easier when they lived 10 minutes away, but this whole interstate moving, both of you, really isn't easy on me.
Dat 11 - A deceased person you wish you could talk to.
My grandmother. I miss her more than words could explain, such a beautiful, kind lady. I love you Gran ♥ Also, my Uncle who recently passed away. My heart lies with him, everything changed that day.
Day 12 - The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain.
I do not hate him, not one bit, but my ex. He caused me the most pain hands down with no competition. To the extent that one day we were talking about suicide, because my friend has recently given his life to it, so we were talking about it and my ex said
to me "if you were to commit suicide, I wouldn't question it, I would know straight away it was my fault". At least he knew I guess.Day 13 - Someone you wish could forgive you.
This is a trick question for me, because the person I seek forgiveness from the most, isn't yet aware of what I have done.
Day 14 - Someone you've drifted away from.
A lot of my friends since starting my new job, it goes part in parcel as they say.
Day 15 - The person you miss the most.The person I used to be, can I say that...?
Day 16 - Someone that's not in your state/country.
Olivia!
Day 17 - Someone from your childhood.
Shannon, who was my childhood friend, from Kindergarten right through to high school. We wen't through so much together, it's a shame we parted really.
Day 18 - The person you wish you could be.The strong, independent person I was once, who didn't question her values and morals for anyones sake.
Day 19 - Someone that
pesters your mind - good or bad.JLR. Everyday, without fail. He seems to be somewhat connected to everything I do/think.
Day 20 - The one that your heart the hardest.
This doesn't make sense in the slighest. But the one that was hardest on my heart, I'm sure you can all figure that out for yourselves.
Day 21 - Someone you judged by their first impression.
Most people to be completely honest with you.
Day 22 - Someone you want to give a second chance to.
I gave too many second chances, it has made me look like a fool so now I am tending to steer clear of giving out second chances.
Day 23 - The last person you kissed.
Krish, a very sweet man, the problem is, he is very sweet to a lot of people. However, like a lot of men, his priorities need sorting, starting with the truth, because in the last 3 months that we've been doing this, I seem to have uncovered more lies that truth from your mouth. All the same, I was very must in lust with you.
Day 24 - The person that gave you your favourite memory.
I think I have a favourite memory with each individual, rather than a favourite memory overall. So you'd have to ask my favourite memory with certain particulars for this question to be of any use.
Day 25 - The person you know that is going through the worst of times.
Two weeks ago, it was me. It tends to vary, a lot of people in my life go through some really terrible stuff. At the moment my heart it lying with my friend Gary, who may not lead on that he's having a tough time, but I know it's there, I just want him to know I'm also here, for even though I have not known him long, he is such a beautiful man and I cherish his friendship in amounts unexplainable ♥
Day 26 - The last person you made a pinky promise to.
I do remember making one only a few days ago, but for the life of me can't remember who.
Day 27 - The friendliest person you knew for only one day.
When I'm clubbing in the city, everyone is friendly, and that's only for a few hours.
Day 28 - Someone that changed your life.
JLR. Since you entered my life nothing was the same. I look at my life in three periods. The time before you, the time with you, and the time after you. None of them link, I feel as though each of these periods are not connected, you gave me three different lifetimes. I didn't think that one person would ever affect my life so much. I would thank you for changing me, but I am still unsure as to whether I like the person I am becoming, so I will get back to you.
Day 29 - The person that you want to tell everything to, but too afraid to.
There is five people. Three of which are involved in the same story, although none of them realise. And the two others are much of a muchness, they are in my heart.
There is five people. Three of which are involved in the same story, although none of them realise. And the two others are much of a muchness, they are in my heart.
Day 30 - Your reflection in the mirror.
Scares me sometimes, when I cannot even recognise myself.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Why
Why do I always chase the uncatchable?... I'd like something a little more maintainable.
Maybe it's the chase I like, lets face it, what do I have to run from once I have what I was running for.
This makes no sense.
My head doesn't make any sense.
Deprivation is sinking in and taking it's sweet, sweet toll.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Scared.
Things that I have recently discovered scare me:
The unpredictablity and unsteadiness of people in my life. I am scared of everything that could happen with the people I am surrounded by, will they stay or leave, will I hurt them or will they betray me.
Train Horns. Whenever I hear a train horn, I am scared that it is indicating that someone is on the tracks and death is upon us.
The dark. I am scared that everything will prevail in the dark.
The truth. For something that is meant to set your free, I am so wrapped up in so many lies. I am scared of the truth for I believe I am not ready to handle it.
Moving on. I have become content in settling into what I know. I am scared to leave good things behind so better things can occur.
Silence. I love that I can sit in silence with people and know it is okay, but I am scared of silence by myself, it is so unnerving.
I think these are all momentary fears, but I never had fears up until recently, maybe this is a side-effect that should come on a package along with change.
The unpredictablity and unsteadiness of people in my life. I am scared of everything that could happen with the people I am surrounded by, will they stay or leave, will I hurt them or will they betray me.
Train Horns. Whenever I hear a train horn, I am scared that it is indicating that someone is on the tracks and death is upon us.
The dark. I am scared that everything will prevail in the dark.
The truth. For something that is meant to set your free, I am so wrapped up in so many lies. I am scared of the truth for I believe I am not ready to handle it.
Moving on. I have become content in settling into what I know. I am scared to leave good things behind so better things can occur.
Silence. I love that I can sit in silence with people and know it is okay, but I am scared of silence by myself, it is so unnerving.
I think these are all momentary fears, but I never had fears up until recently, maybe this is a side-effect that should come on a package along with change.
\
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Attempting Diversion.
I seem to have found myself a new person to run to when I get lonely instead of running back to you. I don't know what this really means for me, I know it's a step forward and that's exactly what I need, but I still question the reason you are continually sitting in the forefront of my mind after everything...
Monday, August 16, 2010
BiG LOVE
Today, I just have this overwhelming feeling of love in my life. I have no idea as to how it came about, as there really isn't all that much actual love in my life, but for the first time in a long time I feel happy. It's overpowering and lovely and I wouldn't have it any other way. I hope this doesn't fade anytime soon, although I should just enjoy it while it lasts (:!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Baby Steps.
I know what I want to say, but actually saying it, that's another matter all together, don't you think?
Here it goes:
I know we are friends, but I also know we have really great conversations and you are smart and you challenge me to be smarter. I know that you express yourself through your wise wit, which I love and you like science, and the fact that you are trying to make something of yourself makes me happy. You have this amazing personality and sometimes I'm afraid I mistake our friendship as a mere act of your general kindness. Also, I think you have ridicously amazing hair, which only makes you look a whole deal greater than you already do, which is something that I am not sure you if you are totally aware of. Either way, I like you, a lot, and I am very aware that I am no Ellen Page and I probably don't deserve someone that challenges me to be smarter and makes me want to make myself better, but I'd like to give it a go, because you make me happy in ways that I haven't felt in a while and I want to try and recipricate the feeling. I've been wanting to say this for a while, but I kind of like where we are, and I am more afraid of losing that than I am of gaining this. So whatever the outcome, I just want you to know that you're a pretty wonderful guy and I've really appreciated the smile that your lame jokes have put on my face lately. So what do you say, would you give it a go?
Now, all I need is a little confidence, the confidence I have seemed to have lost.
Intimate
Today, I realised that my most intimate relationships (with one exception) have been my least physical. Currently, the people who I am most intimate with have no physical ties with me. It's almost refreshing, to know that I am not being used like previously, to know that these people genuinely care for and about me, rather than the benefits they get.
It gives me something to think about you know, if people are willing to stick around through all the rubbish without reapping any physical benefits, maybe they are the ones that I need to keep around. This might solve a whole bunch of my problems.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Pink..
Today I dyed my hair and it was meant to be red/purple but I suppose the blonde trumped it. So now my hair is pink. Embrace it, right?
Friday, August 13, 2010
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Sometimes,
I get really jealous watching sappy American teen dramas because I want to grow up with a pier on the beach and have the cheerleader/jock rubbish and the whole summer camp craziness. Sometimes I think how differently I would have turned out with an American upbringing. But for the most part, I'm happy where I am, even as discontent as I am.
A good night
Tonight was good, one of my male best friends sat through 4 straight episodes of Australia's Next Top Modelling laughing at the over-dramatic, fake woman on there. Find me another boy who is this good of a friend! Exactly what I needed in this world at the moment. Thanks Jamie, big love!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
One more loss -
"One more loss in a loosing life isn't all that much".
-I know I should be honest, I do not have much left to lose, except you. I'm scared of the consequences.
When did I become this person?
-I know I should be honest, I do not have much left to lose, except you. I'm scared of the consequences.
When did I become this person?
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Moodswing.
I find it very peculiar, the way I can be having the most horrible of horrible days, when it seems like nothing could reverse my mood and then there is one comment that makes me smile. One comment that puts everything into perspective and one comment that gives me a bit of faith to hold onto once again. When I give up on everything and everyone around me, I don’t count on much, but just know your comment made my day. This makes me think about what I say to people, wonder if I ever make anyone’s horrible days better the way they fix mine...
The Comment: I mentioned in passing by to my friend Pat that I have given up on everyone, and for the first time in what feels like a while, he was the first person to stop and genuinely ask if I was okay. But keeping it light and funny like we do, then asked if I wanted him to break any shins. It made me laugh and smile, for the first time in what is far too long for me.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
You make everything better.
****** said (4:26 PM):
Hey
I miss you
Hannah says:
Hey,
I haven't gone anywhere, you dont have to miss me
****** says:
Hard not too.
And this is a perfect example of why I cannot let you go, you always come back in my darkest days and make everything so much better ♥
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Day 30
Day 30 - Ways you believe you have grown over the past thirty days
I did not answer this question yesterday as I was too busy focusing on ways I had changed in the past 365 days, so I left the last and final day of blogspot challenge (which lasted well over thirty days, sorry!) until today so I could focus completely on it.
In the last thirty days, reading back over my posts, I have learnt a lot about myself and the values that I previously thought had diminished. I grew in learning these new things about myself, things I guess I subconciously knew but failed to recognize until it was put out in front of me and forcing itself to be noticed. I grew by discovering what was still important to me, what I loved and what my goals were. Although this challenge took me longer than thirty days, I love each of the days I did it because it continually made me question myself seriously, something I had failed to do often which left me summing myself up incorrectly.
This challenged opened my eyes to who I never really knew I was.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
August Fourth.
August fourth. I have dreaded the thought of this day for a long time now as I knew that when I reached this day, it would mark one year since you changed my life. I didn’t expect anything, because expecting anything from you is like expecting to see dinosaurs when I leave my front door of a morning.
There is not much I can say about us anymore. Except for the fact that even after 365 days, you are still the one I talk to in my head, regardless of how many people I've been through or situations I have faced, you are still the one I need to calm me down. I find myself questioning my actions, wondering if you would approve, or if you would do that silly thing where you shake your head a giggle quietly to yourself. I was anxious when my computer died, and i lost everything I had written about you, but this was pointless, there is no way I could ever forget you.
Today, I allowed myself to think of you all day (something I usually forbid) and even after 365 it’s still you, I don’t know how you did it. I know you don’t believe in this sort of thing, but my friend today who works in spiritual healing told me he could sense a mix of resentment, loss and love in me today but he was at a complete loss to tell me when emotion was portraying as more powerful. You know what, I couldn’t tell him either, you are everything.
I'm scared that I have let go of the one person I will never emotionally be able to detach myself from, and I am so worried what this means for me. For so long I blamed you for everything, but I have started to make sense of it all and realise how much of it was my fault. Thank you for being so beautiful and wonderful and sensitive majority of the time. During our good days, there isn't much I wouldn't give up to spend one more day like that with you.
After 365 days, there has not been one day that has passed where I have failed to think about you.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Congratulations
Tomorrow will make it one whole year since you turned my life upside down and changed every single thing about me. Time flies when you're reinventing yourself.
Day 29
Day 29 - What you live for.
Even though this might sound horrible and selfish, I live for myself. I do what i do ultimately to make me a better person, to make me happier, stronger, better. I live to be full with life, love and happiness and because of this, I recognize that I live completely for myself.
Even though this might sound horrible and selfish, I live for myself. I do what i do ultimately to make me a better person, to make me happier, stronger, better. I live to be full with life, love and happiness and because of this, I recognize that I live completely for myself.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Quick Thoughts...
I wish I had fought harder to keep you.
I was proudest of myself when I was vegetarian.
I'm scared I'll never get over my first love, which begins a whole series of problems.
I was proudest of myself when I was vegetarian.
I'm scared I'll never get over my first love, which begins a whole series of problems.
I have lost too many people in my short life.
I don't know who I am or want to be.
I don't know what I want anymore.
I don't know where I stand a lot of the time.
I don't know a lot of things.
I rarely get jealous, but those old couples who have been in love for 50+ years are the heart of my envy.
I didn't believe in love until I was with him.
I love the picture in this blog a lot.
I don't know what I want anymore.
I don't know where I stand a lot of the time.
I don't know a lot of things.
I rarely get jealous, but those old couples who have been in love for 50+ years are the heart of my envy.
I didn't believe in love until I was with him.
I love the picture in this blog a lot.
I tend to blog because it releases a lot of things I bottle in my head.
I have been through more in the last twelve months than I've been through in the last 18 years.
I wouldn't recogonize myself if I met the me from last year.
I miss my innocence.
I miss my determination.
I miss my morals.
I miss a lot of things about myself.
I like my willingness to question socially accepted things.
I have been through more in the last twelve months than I've been through in the last 18 years.
I wouldn't recogonize myself if I met the me from last year.
I miss my innocence.
I miss my determination.
I miss my morals.
I miss a lot of things about myself.
I like my willingness to question socially accepted things.
I wish life was easier.
I wish it was August, September and October of last year.
I recognize that it was those three months that changed my life.
I wish I appreciated things as they were happening, not once they have passed.
I need to be honest, and realise that there are consequences to my actions.
I grew up too quickly.
I will never be the same person I once was.
I am undecided whether or not this is a good or bad thing.
I admit that 97% of these points are because of one person and one situation.
I am unsure how one person can have such a massive impact on another life.
I wish it was August, September and October of last year.
I recognize that it was those three months that changed my life.
I wish I appreciated things as they were happening, not once they have passed.
I need to be honest, and realise that there are consequences to my actions.
I grew up too quickly.
I will never be the same person I once was.
I am undecided whether or not this is a good or bad thing.
I admit that 97% of these points are because of one person and one situation.
I am unsure how one person can have such a massive impact on another life.
I am so vulnerable, I have never been vulnerable until now.
Day 28
Day 28 - A moment you remember being completely happy in and a description of why you believe you were. What is your definition of happiness.
I know its silly considering everything that happened afterwards, but I remember feeling completely happy this one day, lying on this stupid brown couch with my then partner and him just holding me. I was in a terrible mood and as greedy as he generally was, he just laid beside me and held me until I smiled, patiently waiting for me to felt better. It's like he could sense that I felt broken, fragile almost, and he didn't ask for anything else, he just held me together, keeping all my pieces together and and keeping me all in. Later that day we went for a drive with no particular destination, and we were in one of those old bench seat trucks which meant I was just able to curl up in the sun next to this perfect guy. When we started bickering he pulled over and kissed me and apologized for all these things, it was so unexpected and so perfect.
I know its silly to use that moment as complete happiness considering all the drama and pain that followed that day, but I think that it is part of complete happiness; ultimately being so happy that you are able to forget pain and bad things and be happy within your own world.
Complete happiness to me is overcoming everything, and staying happy, being comfortable and feeling complete. These things, being content and feeling secure, that is complete happiness.
I know its silly considering everything that happened afterwards, but I remember feeling completely happy this one day, lying on this stupid brown couch with my then partner and him just holding me. I was in a terrible mood and as greedy as he generally was, he just laid beside me and held me until I smiled, patiently waiting for me to felt better. It's like he could sense that I felt broken, fragile almost, and he didn't ask for anything else, he just held me together, keeping all my pieces together and and keeping me all in. Later that day we went for a drive with no particular destination, and we were in one of those old bench seat trucks which meant I was just able to curl up in the sun next to this perfect guy. When we started bickering he pulled over and kissed me and apologized for all these things, it was so unexpected and so perfect.
I know its silly to use that moment as complete happiness considering all the drama and pain that followed that day, but I think that it is part of complete happiness; ultimately being so happy that you are able to forget pain and bad things and be happy within your own world.
Complete happiness to me is overcoming everything, and staying happy, being comfortable and feeling complete. These things, being content and feeling secure, that is complete happiness.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Day 27
Day 27 - Your definition of the meaning of life.
Personally, I think the whole purpose/meaning of life is just to find out who you are. It is to peel back all the superficial layers and impacts that society and enculturation places on us, to forget everything we were every taught and figure out exactly who it is we are and who we want to be. For me, doing this will take a lifetime. I think having the ability to know yourself and your purpose is the point of life, and those who do it far before the end of their lives are often beyond the wisest people we will ever encounter.
Personally, I think the whole purpose/meaning of life is just to find out who you are. It is to peel back all the superficial layers and impacts that society and enculturation places on us, to forget everything we were every taught and figure out exactly who it is we are and who we want to be. For me, doing this will take a lifetime. I think having the ability to know yourself and your purpose is the point of life, and those who do it far before the end of their lives are often beyond the wisest people we will ever encounter.
Day 26
Day 26 - Your definition of love
This is one of the harder days, that's for sure. To me, love is just knowing when it's right, when you know that there is no other place or person you would rather be with at any given moment. When you can be truly and completely happy just sitting on a couch in complete silence and feel content. Love is noticing flaws and seeing past them, believing in someone against all odds, going with your instincts even when everyone else disagrees. Love is when that feeling outweighs every other negative. Love is an excuse. Love is a reason. Love is something you cant explain to a complete extent. Trying to describe love is silly, because it changes, it formulates differently with different relationships. However the concept of 'true love', well to me, that's like trying to explain the taste of water.
Apologies for the delay!
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