1/10

Day One: Ten Things You Want To Say To Ten Different People

BenC: Thank you for becoming one of the biggest parts of my life this year. You make me immensely happier than I ever knew I could be. You have been there for me every single day for the last few months and put up with a lot more horrible moods and tantrums than I would expect of anyone. You pulled me out of a pretty damn dark place, and for that I will never be able to thank you enough. It amazes me that I still get goosebumps every time you touch me, despite the fact you haven't let me go for a while now, but I couldn't ever imagine not feeling this way about you. I'm pretty certain you know, but you have my heart and I wouldn't want it any other way. You make me feel pretty god damn lucky which is why I let you drive me crazy and make me your girl ♥

BillC: People say this gets easier; people lie. I miss you everyday and it's not getting any easier at all.  Life is short, I've finally learnt it. I know you are partying with all the great music gods, but I would trade anything to have you back. I love you so much and I know you are watching over us. Rest easy ♥

CM: It scares me that I barely know you at all anymore.

OM: I do not deserve to have someone so brilliant in my life. You inspire me to be more and to try harder. Thank you for never letting me settle with second best.

SF: Who would have known we would be us again? You make me laugh every single day, all day. You're happiness is more infectious than anything I know. Keep shining, this world needs people like you! Thank you for never allowing me to have a dull moment, keeping me happy and making up crazy joint names for us. Cannot wait to conquer the world with you!

RD: You and ED picked me up this year when I fell to pieces and I'll never explain the gratitude I have for you. You are the kindest, gentlest person I know, who has never failed to be there for me, whether it has been drunken times, tears or gashes, you truly are one of a kind. I'm so lucky to have you.

ED: See above with RD. You listen to me every day talk about my plans, problems and happiness. You give good advice and let me talk it out. There are so few people with such a considerate heart around and I was fortunate enough to stumble upon you. You've always been there when I've needed you and like you said, we were meant to be friends ever since that camping trip a few years ago! Fate.

PatE: I never meant to hurt you. You have the kindest heart and you are going to make someone so happy one day and I cannot wait to see the smile this girl puts on your face! Do not give up.

SylA: I don't think I will ever forgive you, despite my attempts. In fact, I pity you for all the hurt you caused. Stop preaching to people and start facing your own truths. You hold the ugliest personality I've ever known.

JR: I was right all along. Thank you for teaching me the most valuable lesson of my life and wasting time for two years. Trust none.

Warning

I am about to start another 10 day challenge. I did one at the same time last year and similarily the year before and I love looking at the changes that I have made in my life.
For those whose dashboard's I am about to clog, I am sorry.
Enjoy!

I'm Back!

Firstly, I apologise for my absence over the last month. My blog, along with many other things in my life that I adore have been sadly abandoned by me due to travelling through Europe over the last month. Whilst this might seem entirely selfish, it's something you need to do.

 In brief, I visited the following places;
-London, England
 -Dover, England
 -Calais, France
-Belgium
-Amsterdam, Netherlands
 -Rhine Valley, Germany
-Munich, Germany
 -Innsbruck, Austria
-Venice, Italy
-Rome, Italy
-Florence, Italy
 -Lucerne, Switzerland
-Paris, France
 -And lastly, back to London, England.

 It's funny, how much you can pack into a month and how incredibly your life can completely change. I guess this is why travelling is such an impacting experience. You learn exactly what matters and what doesn't, and when you do a trip like the one that I did, you are forced to learn a lot more about yourself, even some things that you might not want to know.

 November has been the biggest journey for me so far and I believe that it is impossible for me to go back to the person I was before I experienced what I have in this time. From sex shows in Amsterdam to Concentration Camps in Germany, my eyes were opened so widely to this beautiful yet trecherous world that we are in. It is so easy to become captivated in our everyday lives, caught up in irrelevant things.
But question, if all of this was stripped away from you, who would you be? Disconnect yourself from your every day life, from your problems and from your families and friends and figure out exactly what it is in your life that you want, figure out exactly who it is that you are.

 This life is so short and it scares the shit out of me everyday. Say exactly what you are thinking, explain what you feel and deal with the consequences when they matter instead of wondering what if. The people that have never left are all that should matter. This world can be so ugly, so you need to make it exactly what you want it to be. If there was anything that I learnt through my travels it was that you have to be the person you want to be, do not let the opinions of other people sway your thought-making process, because at the end of the day, you are the only person that has to live with the decisions that you are making.

Act now, because within an instant it could be too late, and regret is the biggest debt a person could ever have.

 I've missed this blog immensley, I'm glad to be back ♥

Reality is

I tell myself that it is okay to be scared, in fact I used to say that I needed more things that scared the hell out of me. When you are scared, truly scared, it means that you are afraid of losing something that is of value to you, whether it be a person, an object or even your dignity. And so I find myself scared everyday that I am going to ruin whatever this is, whatever we are... And today I realized just how lost I would be if I were to loose you, and I suppose that answered my questions. I don't know if I'll ever be used to living in the shadow of fear. 

One more night

You can't carry a decent tune, but god it has been a quiet weekend without you singing in my ear at all hours of the morning.

I want you to be here

I used to have a head full of words at any given moment; a series of stories and memories that I felt so pressured to record before they disappeared into that vast nothingness that I've lost countless other things too. But I am wordless. I want to write what you mean to me, what this last month has meant to me and how much you have changed me but I can't find the words. I seem to have this limitless amount of words for the bad and for the frustrating but nothing for the blissful. I burn trying to describe sense of purity hidden in the taste of water and you are of the same nature.
I haven't been exactly sure of anything since the night that I met you and you changed everything I knew, but you are a man of minor miracles and I hope that you don't go anywhere too soon.

The immensity is overwhleming

Always

'Even if we never talk again, please remember that I am forever changed by who you are and what you meant to me'

It absolutely frightens me that the people who once filled your world will eventually become strangers.

All it ever was, was raw passion.

One should always be drunk. That’s all that matters…But with what? With wine, with poetry, or with virtue, as you chose. But get drunk.
-Charles Baudelaire


You make me happier than I have been in the longest time ♥

Go someplace where no one knows your name

October

“I think your face is beautiful, the way it is
close to my face, and I think you are the real
October with your transparence and the stone
of your words as they pass, as I do not hear them.”
—'October', Bill Berkson

Relevant

"You arrived and ordered stout,
I stared in wordlessness
I just kept noticing your mouth,
and how your face just fit
Into every aching void,
in what I've always missed some way"
-Ring out, Bon Iver

This fits in to so many aspects of my life currently.

P.s I got tickets to their wonderful concert coming up, and not much more could make me happier ♥

I needed to read this today.

"You alone are enough. You have nothing to prove to anybody."
-Maya Angelou

Love hurts

Did they lock us in, or did we lock them out?

I loved everything about him, right down to the wallet he carried in his back pocket. And that's life. Sometimes you can't help but loose yourself, swallowed so completely that you loose sight of the light that rests on the reality of your life. At times I would find myself drowning in him and the memories of us until I landed back on my feet in a world of consciousness and realised that you can't really be alive while you allow yourself to be submerged in the past. You were the warmest colour that I ever knew. It's nice to know that we loved each other once upon a time.

Please don't call me baby, baby.

The only thing that I asked you to return was my heart, and it is the one thing that you refuse to let up.
This isnt fair on either of us, but who is going to be the first one to raise their white flag.
I don't know if I'm ready, but then again, I was never ready for you.

Enchanting

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul"
-Pablo Neruda

I wish I could save you

I need you to listen to the words I won't speak.

I want you to know that I am here, I am right fucking here and I am sorry for never saying to words you were always waiting to hear.

Take my breath

For my favourite person, Olivia.

Serene.

I find it so peculiar the way that the most trivial and surprising people can change your life entirely when you least expect it. On Saturday night I found myself lying on the couch folded up under a blanket next to a new friend that had come and rescued myself and my friend in our stranded states. Maybe it was the silent vows that were exchanged that night while your arms wrapped me like ribbon or maybe it was the way that the moonlight shone on your face at 3 in the morning. I wasn't aware that I was searching for someone that would let me know that things were going to be okay, nor did I expect to discover it that night. But right in that moment, in that pitch black noise, whispers rose from your chest promising me things that we don't have words for yet, promising hope. I don't need perfect and I don't need promises made on days that may never come, I just need something that fits all my gaps, something that overrides this vastness in my head. Even if nothing ever comes of this, you gave me all sorts of hope, and that's more than I ever would've dared asked for. 

Marry me outside by the willow tree

Day 6 - A Song that reminds you of somewhere

Postcards From Italy - Florence and the Machine

And I will love to see that day
That day was mine
When she will marry me outside by the willow trees
And play the songs we made
They made me so
And I would love to see that day
Her day was mine

It reminds me of spending every night with my best friend Jamie, eating grilled fish and drinking lukewarm vodka as the heavy summer breeze kissed our skin. It reminds me of a time when things seemed of a more simple nature, reminds me of being with a man who changed my world more than I knew possible. This song is my summer 2010/2011.

Please don't say we're done when I'm not finished

Day 5 - A song that reminds you of someone

Heart Skipped A Beat - The XX

It's been a while
And you've found someone better
But I've been waiting too long to give this up
The more I see, I understand
But sometimes, I still need you

And I was struggling to get in
Left waiting outside your door
I was sure
You'd give me more

No need to come to me
When I can make it all the way to you
You made it clear
You weren't near
Near enough for me

This song never fails to remind me of my ex-boyfriend and good friend K. It's about an hours drive to his house or a considerable train trip after work and I would always listen to The XX album on my way. I quickly fell in love with this song, which, little did I know, would ironically and precisely chronicle our relationship. Perhaps that is why it ended up such a solid memory.  

The ones we left behind

Day 4 - A song that makes you sad

Santa Monica Dream - Angus and Julia Stone

I'm singing songs about the future
Wondering where you are
I could call you on the telephone
But do I really want to know?
You're making love now to the lady down the road
No I don't, I don't want to know

A song of a bitter heartbreak of a love that once was, reflecting on the future that was planned upon. I guess it's all a little bit raw for me, which pertains to the reason it change my entire mood within a heart beat. Another magical song by two beautiful souls.   

Stay with me

Day 3 - A Song that makes you happy

Beautiful Girl - INXS & JD Fortune  

I can't even explain the chills and goosebumps that this song has always given me! Such a well written and beautifully played song that has never failed to alter my mood up a notch.

It's not who you think you are that holds you back, its who you think your not.

For a long time I tried to be everything you needed me to be, everything you all needed me to be because I was scared of the consequences may be otherwise. I was afraid to be alone and I let my fear lead me to become a stranger to myself. I was blindsided by the sweet nothings that I believed I couldn't be without and was willing to sacrifice myself in order for short-term happiness. My Gran, the most intuitive woman I have ever known, once told that I had to plant my own garden and decorate my soul instead of waiting for someone else to bring me flowers and it would be a great discredit to a wonderfully wise woman if I chose to ignore some of the most perspicacious words I've ever heard. And so I ask silently for the grace and balance that I need to overcome this and move forward to the person I promised myself to be. 

I said that I was afraid to be alone, it is still my very biggest fear but sometimes you have to stand alone, to make sure than you still can.   

Free your inhibitions

Shame

Day 2 - Your least favorite song

Moves Like Jagger

It's probably harsh of me to pick this song, but it's been on a lot lately and it gets on my nerves. Basically i hate any rubbish song that is put out there for a sake of making a few dollars. To me, a song should tell a story about someone, something, a situation. I should be able to listen to a song a know the exact emotion that an artist has attempted to transpire. This song with a lot of similar songs in its category mean absolutely nothing, and that's a shame I think.

And no, it doesn't deserve a video post.  

Just pour a little salt, we were never here.

Day 1 - You’re favourite song
Skinny Love - Bon Iver

"I tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall

And now all your love is wasted
And then who the hell was I?
And I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines"

Have you ever listened to a song and realized that your whole life was about to change?  A song that makes everything seem different, that changes something inside of you. So few people find a song that can make you feel like one day the stars you look up at in the night might simply fall into your lap, that somewhere in the deep fields of Montana there may be a person sharing the same moment with you, that all the words you have ever needed could tumble out of your mouth without second thought. It is the song that gives me in the magic of the world in an airtight jar. You'll know, automatically, if you hear the song that will alter your entire world, and this is mine.

Action

"Hope is the real killer. Hope is harmful. Hope enables us to sit still in the sinking raft instead of doing something about our situation. Forget hope. Honestly and candidly assessing the situation as it truly stands is our only chance. Instead of sitting there and "hoping" our way out of this, perhaps we should recognize that realizing the truth of our situation, even if unpleasant, is positive since it is the required first step towards real change"
-Gringo Star

Beautiful things do not just happen, either.

I counted on you

I needed you go prove to me that you were different, to show me that you weren't exactly the same. And I don't know how you did it, but you've already broken my heart.
I should know better than to give away a part of myself that I can never claim back in it's entirity.

You changed me in ways I didn't know possible

"But she did look back, and I love her for that, because it was so human. So she was turned to a pillar of salt. People aren't supposed to look back. I'm certainly not going to do it anymore"
-Kurt Vonnegut; Slaughterhouse Five

I can't remember what I'm looking for

Drained

Can you feel me when I think about you? Do you know that you still cross my mind in the silence of the night, somewhere between the parallels of consciousness and sleep? Do you know that I fight with myself constantly, promising myself that I will no longer be second best to the nameless others, but it is easy to fall back into the old patterns of the past and ex-lovers.
I am getting so tired and I think that it might just be easier to give up on all of this; to give up on you.

Would you pleasure me with an answer as to where we are to go from here on in?

My head is too full.

A day in the life

Trapped

It's dark outside and the windows have frosted over. You've been whispering your sweet nothings in my ear and life doesn't seem quite as bad as it is outside of this space we've created. Your hands rest casually on my leg and you kiss the top of my head, letting me believe that maybe everything will work out okay. 
You make me feel so lost and so alive for the first time in such a long time and I am scared that when you disappear again, I won't be alive, I will just be lost.
Quietly but completely, you've once again stolen the ground beneath me without my consent or knowledge. All I am ever doing is replaying all of these feelings that should have ended forever ago, but they cannot end while we do not allow them too. I can't not pinpoint what aches with a red rawness more; my lips or my eyes as a result of this, but I am unsure as to which I am willing to forego. 
Last night, we sat in the darkness tangled in each other, finding our breath while quietly contemplating all the things that could have been and the moonlight reflected off the water capturing your face in a glorifying beauty that I do not know. 
I am so angry at myself all the time for these silly little positions that I weasel myself into, constantly finding myself lost somewhere between emotional overdraft and deep serendipity that I cannot even tell what it is that I need anymore. I am angry that sometimes the solution is so blatantly obvious but the path is never clear. I am angry that you've gotten yourself so caught up in this nonense that you aren't sure if you can escape anymore, so you lie to yourself every god damn day and pray that a solution is going to fall into your lap. I need to believe in all of this as much as you do because we both need to know that there is something worth fighting outside this rat race.  
Maybe in a few years I'll look back and realize we were in far too deep to ever come out alive and in tact and I suppose that is the beauty behind the art of remembering which of our dreams came closest to being our reality. 
 
It's easy, like I've said before, to make mistakes when it feels like nothing else could ever matter.

Reality is.

If there is anything that I have learnt in this dull year, it is that you cannot outrun all that truth beholds, no matter how hard you try. And that scares the hell out of me.

We're too blind to see what's really in front of our eyes.

Time flies.

Two years. Two crazy, rollercoaster years hiding in the shadows of all the things that we wished we could be. Two years of screaming, cursing at all the things that fell in the gaps we'd left between us. Two years of learning how to be something that you'll miss, something that you wished you had stayed for. Two years at laughing off all of the people who had merely been simple chapters in our twisted tale. Two years of the most enchanted and incredible relationship between two people who struggled to find their way.

So many of my favorite memories are entwined around you and your sweet smile that could put any girl to shame. Millions of stolen glances whilst riding in the passenger seat next to you, weaving between the streetlights. The need to know you are right there even when your miles away.  All the slammed doors, broken promises and missed opportunities are nothing compared to everything we have been blessed enough to capture and call our own.

I never expected to be here with you after two years, but you make me pretty damn happy and despite how very much I hate you some days, it could never amount to anywhere near the capacity of the love that I have for you. 

Two years, and I still lack the words strong enough to convey all of the things that you mean to me.

Old, but forever relevant.

I cannot remeber if I posted this, but I wrote ut a little while ago and it still means quite a lot to me;

I remember you nice made a song about me, titled 'fearless with skinny wrists'. I remember a lot of good and unique things about you; things that I love, things that I crave, things that I miss and things I sometimes can't remember, covered by the vague fog that hides all the things that once were. I know that these things are starting to slip from my memory and there is nothing I want more than to lock you up in my memory and keep all this love insider but like any other drain, it's slowing dripping out, my love.

Always looking for something else

Our time is short

“i’ve known amy winehouse for years. when i first met her around camden she was just some twit in a pink satin jacket shuffling round bars with mutual friends, most of whom were in cool indie bands or peripheral camden figures withnail-ing their way through life on impotent charisma. to me, with my limited musical knowledge this information placed amy beyond an invisible boundary of relevance; ‘jazz singer? she must be some kind of eccentric,’ i thought. i chatted to her anyway though, she was after all, a girl, and she was sweet and peculiar but most of all vulnerable. i was myself at that time barely out of rehab and was thirstily seeking less complicated women so i barely reflected on the now glaringly obvious fact that winehouse and i shared an affliction, the disease of addiction. now amy winehouse is dead, like many others whose unnecessary deaths have been retrospectively romanticized at 27 years old. whether this tragedy was preventable or not is now irrelevant. it is not preventable today. we have lost a beautiful and talented woman to this disease.”
-Russell Brand, of Amy Winehouse.

Such a soulfully powered artist and great loss. I am sickened at the jokes that have arisen from such an iconic death and think such humor is completely shameful. Some demons are far too powerful for us to grab hold of and manage, and sometimes, that are too much for one person to bare. Rest in peace.

Welcome home

Hello beautiful people,

I've touched down back in Sydney, reunited with my glorious bed after a whirlwind trip to visit my wonderful family in New Zealand. I know I don't speak or refer to them much on here, but that doesn't mean that they aren't the most amazingly breathtaking and generous group of people I've ever had the pleasure of calling my own. When it comes down to it, there is very little that overrides family.

Anywho, I'm in Sydney for a few days and then I'll be back on a plane to Melbourne for the week. I'll post when and where possible.

Welcome to my new, and apparently very talented followers!
I promise that some deeper posts are on there way.

Always,
Hannah!

Who do you want to be

Always forever.

"There is always that one person, no matter how long it's been, or how badly they've treated you, if they say I love you, you will say it back"

I could never hate you quite as much as I love you, and just as both amounts are equally immeasurable, I'm not entirely sure which is more significant anymore.

"I'm not lost, just wandering"

I'm still learning

There is a magic in our fingers and I need to believe in this so badly; in me; in you; and in the way that none of this makes any sense. The world will continue to spin and this will all work out exactly how it is meant to, love, because that is precisely what fate is, and we've got to find a way trust it.

Step back,

More often than not, things don't change; people do.

It's cold here

"The hardest part of saying goodbye is having to do it again every single day. Every day we face the same truth; that life is fleeting; that our time here is short"
-OTH

Some days are easier than others. Some days, I wake up convinced that I can get through another day without you next to me; some days I am strong; some days I let myself believe that everything is going to be okay.
And then there is the rest of the days, the days that are not so easy; the days that take all of my strength to get to; the days that I know it would be a million times easier to just give up.
But I will not give up, because even though you are not here anymore, I know that you are always with me and you provide me with a strength that I do not know.
People say that it gets easier everyday. I think people are wrong.

I want to runaway.

I care too much

All my broken bits sit cradled in your hands, and I cannot blame you for the fragments that have managed to find their way through the cracks in between your fingers and become lost in the realities of this world that are beyond the two of us.
It is easy to find myself wrapped in your hollowed voice while you fill all the voids that I never quite knew existed. You would always be whispering to me, promising me things on days that might never come.

When I am with you everything is fuzzy and you are the golden star hung on the darkest of nights. I know that it is lonely and cold without you, but recently you've been out of my reach and I am left to wonder what's worse; claiming to have you and being empty or not having you at all and potentially finding something that works.

I need to know that I can be happy without you. There have been times when I have sworn that I'd never take you back, but in the back of my mind I knew you would be there, waiting for me when things got ugly and I needed you. You are my training wheels, my comfort zone and my stability and maybe I'm not quite brave enough yet to sail without you. 
I want to be brave. 

Point and case.

Something to think about

"Maybe our favourite quotations say more about us than about the stories and people we're quoting" 
-John Green

Everyday

Where will your mind go...

... When you let it roam free?

Update

It's Just over three months till I run away to Europe for a little while, and it couldn't have come at a better time. The last time I was this confused with my life, I think I may have been learning how to crawl. Full time study + full time career + full time love complications and trip planning = exhaustion and bad decision making, and I highly recommend that everyone avoiding finding themselves on the equals side of that equation.
This life has been a little testing lately, pushing me to learn more about myself and what it is that I want and I have given this link out to a lot of people who shouldn't follow my decision making process and my indecision, which in a way explains my absence of late. However I am going to make a larger effort to chuck full-effort blogging back into my schedule!
I'm off to new Zealand for a little while and will keep you posted!

Lots of love to my bloggerbees! I look forward to catching up with your writings
Xo

I WANT TO SAVE YOU

I want to save you,
But you will you ever rescue me?
Because I've already begun to drown,
Submerged in your deceptive seas.

Let's run away sugar,
And leave these tangles behind
We can find ourselves a secret place
We can be redefined

Won't you let me in
Show me all that you've trapped inside
You've got my secrets baby,
Ain't nothing you need to hide.

You are all of my reasons,
All that I have ever known
And despite this emptiness
Know that you are never alone.

I want to save you,
But I don't know where to start,
I want to save you
But you broke my heart.

-Sorry for my absence yet again, have had multiple thongs to deal with. Here is a poem I wrote lying in bed tonight. It's a bit rough. Missed my bloggerbees ♥

One day we'll find the right words.

'Your love will be safe with me'

I don't know what they are called, the fractions of time that you can find sneaking inbetween seconds, but that is when I catch myself thinking of you. We've made mistakes, and if we are being honest, we can admit that most of this life is a result of our mistakes.
Sometimes, I find myself wondering what we have is enough. But I don't know, and I look for all the clues and answers until I am dizzy, but I don't think I'll ever know & that's exactly what love is I suppose; never knowing, but trusting that it is everything you need. But you know me better than anyone and I cannot trust and so I try to let go before it burns itself out. That was my biggest mistake; believing I had to walk away. I apologize for making you a victim of my doubt, yet again, consider this as me swallowing my pride because I can't escape the thought of you and I promise if I could go back, I would make changes and make this the most god damn unbelievable love story you ever heard.
Even when I couldn't have been more misplaced, you always manage to make me feel like I am home.

I'm giving you all I've got.

Breathtaking

Never ceases to melt my heart

I am not okay

Me and you, we haven't learnt how to walk away just yet. I still love you with this broken heart and all it's fragments. Thank you for doing the same.

You told me hold on to my faith

I went to your old street today where the trees hang like the memories I cannot bring myself to forget. Your lawn is unmowed and there are now cobwebs spinning on the corners of your porch that remind me of just how long you have really been gone for. There is a tattered "for sale" sign that has barely survived the fall and is just as in need of your mending as I seem to be at any given time.

Some people come in and out of this life without leaving so much as a second glance behind, but you couldn't have been one of those people because that would have made us too simple.
So now I see your street, the same one that I have driven so many times that the grooves and holes have grown familiar. I see the heavy door that I slammed when I swore I would never come back, the same door that I returned to every time that I gave in and found you waiting for me. 

You left yourself behind in more ways than I can count; trapped in the lyrics of songs you made me learn, in bits and pieces you left strewn in my car, in the parking lot you collected me from when I had all but convinced myself that this town would be better of without me.
It is easy to think of all the bad things that happened to us, but what isn't so obvious to the unknowing eye is the continuing impact you have on my life, the changes you caused me to make and the person you have led me to become.

I hate when people leave this place, because I know better than anyone that there is nothing here to come back for. But then you call me on the coldest nights; in the loneliest of times; during those fragmented moments when I lose my way and you tell me that I am enough, that I have always given you something to come back to here and it doesn't seem so bad anymore. You let me believe, even for a second, that this is bearable and that we can make this whole world work out with our hands tied behind our back. Even if it isn't true, even though sometimes this world is a place far more testing than we could begin to imagine, I love you with every damn scrap I've got for letting me believe that everything is going to be just fine, even just for those few seconds. 

Beautiful night

"All a girl really wants is for one guy to prove to her that they are not all the same"
-Marilyn Monroe

I wrote this for you...

"It's cold when you're not around and the leaves fall like all the snow that never came last winter. You're presence is like a time capsule, and I fear that I'll let all our golden secrets slip away if the lid is unfastened. Everything already seems that much less translucent anyway. Come to think of it, I've never really liked the cold."

I wrote this for you when my world wasn't shaded by colours of green and blue
I wrote this for you when my world wasn't divided by our struggles that grew
I wrote this for you because you are all that I ever knew,
I wrote this for you.

Please don't make me regret this

What if everything you always wanted came to you, white flag raised, surrendering themselves to you completely? What if this person told you that they wanted to keep you for the rest of forever? I love this man, but this isn't a fairytale kind of love. This love is hard work and broken hearts; This love is rage and betrayal, tears and quarrels. This love is by far the most difficult thing that I have ever done and it has sent me to rock bottom's unforgiving depths. But love is love, even when it hurts, even when you think you have given every scrap left within you. 
You are the very best parts of me, the wrinkles and bellyaches after laughing, the calm after the roughest storm and the arms I am always falling into when this world gets a little too terrifying for me to brave. You have the hands I'm constantly searching for, the hands that I want holding me for the rest of my forever. 
I know that we have fought more than most people have in their entire lives, but you said it yourself, you know this is love, and right now that is enough. There is nothing that could make me happier in this moment than the prospect of our forevers.
You are always saving me, and I am so scared of not being good enough, but even if this doesn't last, even if we start WWIII between us, this feeling right now would be worth every second of it.

One day I will find the right words to tell you how I feel, but for right now all I can say is yes, I will be your forever.  

Tell me something pretty.

Are you ready for truth's unkindness?

"Sometimes, when you don't ask questions, it's not because you are afraid that they will lie to your face. It's because you're afraid they'll tell you the truth"
-Vanishing Acts, Jodi Picoult.  

Another letter unsent

Reality can be the scariest of things.

 You are not the man I fell in love with. You are not the man who put his jacket around my shoulders when I was sleeping off toxic drinks in the cold far before this ever began. You are not the man who called me when I was in New Zealand because you needed to hear my voice, because you sensed just how much i missed you. You are not the man who gave me a bottle of his cologne so that I would always have a sense of you even when I couldn't be with you. You are not the man who saved me from this world when it was just about to swallow me hole and you are not the man who used to send me poems at three o'clock in the morning. You are not the man who would kiss me senseless if I pouted my lips, nor are you the man who made me want to be better, go further and do more. You are not the man who made me believe in myself and my worth. You are not everything I once wanted, you are not the man I gave my heart to and you most certainly, are not the man that I am in love with. For now, until I can find you again... You will always be my closest stranger

5 months today, Bloggerbees ♥

Can I go nowhere with you?

The only thing that we have for certain in this world is right now. You have pulled me from some of the blackest places that I have ever been and that is why I choose you, even though everything inside of me is breaking and telling me to run in the other direction, telling me to do whatever I possibly can to avoid feeling this way. But I choose you, every day, because I need you in my life. I am going to fight this, and I am just as aware that this very may well be the very thing to shatter me, but it could never hurt as much as knowing that I gave up on you. This is the only thing that I am sure of right now, and maybe this is the only thing that I will ever be sure of in this world.

All these secrets that I shouldn't tell.

More than distance between us.

'For the longest time after that, neither of us said anything. I was unaccustomed to his silence, but I didn't mind it. I knew near everything about him, and he knew near everything about me, and all that made our quiet a kind of song. The kind you can hum without even knowing what it is or why you're humming it. The kind that you've always known'

I miss that.

Some things in this life are too beautiful for us to understand

"When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down “happy”. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment. I told them they didn’t understand life."

John Lennon

'Don't have to tell you, that I love your precious heart'

I will never forgive you for making me feel like this. I cannot decide what is worse; you're unaware of how your making me feel, or your simply don't give a damn.

The winds are blowing on the outside

This life is so cruel and testing sometimes.

This is so perfect for right now.

'I tried my best to never let you in to see the truth
And I've never opened up, I've never truly loved
Til you put your arms around me

And I believe that it's easier for you to let me go

I hope that you see right through my walls
I hope that you catch me cause I'm already falling
I'll never let a love get so close
You put your arms around me and I'm home...'

-Arms, Christina Perry


If I ever had to choose one song to define our story, this would be my frontrunner.

Jump

You said 'come what may' and asked me if I remembered, but how could I ever forget.

I do not love you.

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

that this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

-Pablo Neruda

A little bit raw

Sometimes I really want to disappear, but almost always, I am just wanting to be found.

I want to tell you everything

I want to write something that means something to you, something that will in some way change all the bad things that lead us to resent this broken revelry love. All I have are these endless words that could not possibly begin to convey the first inkling of the emotions that I have felt recently. These words, that don't string together as seamlessly as they once did. These words, that could never mean half as much to you as they to me when they're scribbled from my fingertips. 
One day, I hope to be able to explain exactly what it is about you that makes you bigger than this whole world, that makes you everything that I know I'll ever need. I spend a lot of time wishing that when this day does arrive, I am not too late to capture some of the magic that I know you've kept safe for us.

I'm always explaining myself

Sorry for my absence once again my beautiful bloggerbees! Have had a crazy filled few weeks.
On the plus side, I have booked a trip to Europe to run away for a little while.

You're still my only.

"So come on Love, draw your swords, shoot me to the ground. You are mine, I am yours, let's not fuck around because you are the only one. You are the only one"
-Angus and Julia Stone

I Carry Your Heart

Stay with me...

You can learn a lot about someone in two years, what makes them happy, the foods they'll eat and the types of movies they like. When you have known someone for two years, chances are you will be able to ramble off numerous facts about them. 
However, when you are in love with someone for two years, you learn a whole series of different things. You begin to learn the patterns in their face when they lie, the way they portray emotions that don't quite reach their eyes and what it means when they tell you a story but can't look you in the eye. You know the subtle difference between when they are pretending to be happy and when they are full of happiness, you communicate flawlessly with words not yet created and you can count every crevice that lies upon their face.
When you love someone for two years it becomes a peculiar thing; you realize that you know someone in a way that perhaps no one will ever know them again and you become immersed in their being that you cannot bear to let them disappear into the nothingness that remains  in case no one ever deciphers him the way you could. 

If there is anything you learn after two years, it is how to let someone go, but never stop loving them because you have learnt to love them in a way you never knew you could.

Explainations!

Firstly, my apologies for the massive lag in posts lately. In the last week or so I have been dealt a year's supply of negative karma that I deserved and so I have been working endlessly to get on top of the game and pull myself together. I promise posts will be back as normal next week!
Hope everyone is happy & well!
Peace + love to my beautiful followers that I adore!
xo

I'll follow you

Happy days.

I don't know when it became so apparent that I am ready for this. I want to run at you with full force and not be tempted by all that I leave behind.

Weakweakweak

Constant undertow

I constantly overestimate my self control when it comes to certain things. I've seen you in the light and I have felt you in the dark and I know that you are not good for me, that we are not good for us. We are the petals on the most precious of flowers, glorious until they wilt within a matter of time. But it is so easy to make mistakes when I can rest my head on your chest and listen to your heart beat in perfect time, easy when your warm hands find their way into my pockets and easy when all the things I subconsciously want to hear roll their way off of your tongue. 
It is no challenge to list all of the reasons I shouldn't be doing this, but there is always something that overrides my reasoning because there are not many people like you in this world of mine. I am buried deep under all of these words that I have tried to keep, and now you've made this situation a little less translucent. I have found myself in constant undertow.

Let down your walls.

I want to show you my heart,

I like breakfast in bed at 9pm, I like sitting in the lonely grass when night creeps over, I like the warmth of my own tears contrasted with the cool fall of the rain, and warm hands, and making plans to run away, leaving all this behind as though it never really existed. I like dreaming of all the things I could be even if I never really wanted to, I like pictures that make me think and words that make me feel. I like my multitudes of photographs, I like the relationships that have changed everything, the fog of my breath on winter's unforgiving mornings and deep oak eyes. I like the first crack of sunlight as it creeps over the mist of midnight, I like driving through suburbs I don't know imagining different lives that I may have had, and driving in between streetlights watching the shadows fall on your face. I like recognizing people by the sounds of their footsteps, I like that I am more than all of my broken parts, I like than Ben Harper continued my forever and Bon Iver found a secret understanding of love in a blood bank. I like all of the memories floating through my consciousness and I like that sometimes, even on the ugliest of days, this world still has so many beautiful and important things that are like magic, kept beneath the shadows for when we need them the most.   

Home.

Landslide

"I've been afraid of changing cause I've built my life around you"
- Landslide, Fleetwood Mac

Jumping in my time machine

I have never regretted falling for anyone as much as I regret falling for you. If there is one thing I could take back in this world, it would be all the decisions I made regarding and involving you.

We cannot direct the winds, but we can adjust our sails.

Remember; remember

It’s weird to think that we weren’t strangers once, to think we swapped secrets in the backseat of a car under the covers of darkness when the rain would fall so softly on the window and make obscure prints on your skin. Sometimes it is easy to love a boy when you are only eighteen and he’s telling you things that make you think he needs you. It’s easy when you are eighteen and you need something sweet-talking and tender to need you. But I was never really eighteen. It hurts to know how casually I chose my words when I had no idea it would be the last time that I really spoke to you, the things I should have said haunt me constantly. And sometimes, just for the briefest of moments, I can remember what it was like when I knew someone in a way that I will never know them again.

You showed me how real life can be sometimes, how scary and how unpredictable, that sometimes this life can be such a happy accident, more than just a series of decisions and regrets. They are lessons that I couldn’t have learnt better elsewhere and I’ll forever owe you for that. Even when you disappear, please know that you are so very important to me, and will continue to be from the sidelines, concealed by what once was.

Crooked.

Peculiar isn't it, the way someone can turn your world upside down with two words...

Inevitable

Realise

The lights fall heavy on your soft face

I'm scared to answer your questions because I know that so much will hinder on the loaded words that fall from my mouth like the way stars sometimes look so deceivingly low that they lead you to believe they may fall straight from the sky into the creased palms of your hands on a warm summer night. I would still give up  anything to be your everything, and like my grandfather always said, some things never change. Whichever way I go, I come back to the place you are, and maybe this is the type of connection that people try to captivate with words and maybe it is something that I don't understand entirely, but very much like you, it is something I am so very afraid to lose. 

Exactly Anne.

Deprived.

I hope to find the words to tell you how magical my life was whilst you were in it, but for now I will sleep.

Let it out.

"you're my freedom, you're my jail"

I am going to count to three and pretend that I can forget all this, even for a second. Pretend that I can forget that everything around me is falling to pieces and that I do not care enough to salvage them; forget that the last fragment of my trust has disappeared; forget that I can no longer crawl in your bed on rainy nights and feel you steadying my shaking shoulders because I was crying and I was so scared all of the god damned time. I am going to pretend that this emptiness isn't so real, that it is just a phase like that time we believed pinky promises held the most solid form of commitment and that steamed bok choi was a secret stairway to heaven. I am not brave and I am not nearly half as courageous as I need to be and I am always making decisions I wind up regretting, but you were not one of them. In fact, right now I am regretting most of the decisions that led these shaking shoulders to be here without you around to steady them and all I can think of is how alone we are in this world sometimes and how you cried and told me you were sick and I was too scared to be the person you needed me to be and how, no matter what I do, I could never really let you go because we were always so much more than what appeared on the surface.
In three seconds, I am going to take a deep breath and pretend that everything is not quite so broken, at least for tonight.

Cracks

"There was always confession, which said you could do whatever you wanted but always come away clean after a few Hail Marys and Our Fathers. I had believed this for quite sometime but I came to know, firsthand, that there were certain marks on your soul that no one could ever erase"

-Jodi Picoult; who has always managed to put the exact thoughts that run through my head into delicately placed words during the most extraordinary moments of time.

For the hidden magic in us all..

Too far gone.

Some people could never really interpret who I was or what I was thinking. But I was never less transparent than one thin canvas to you and you scratched me red raw right down to my very core. And I want to fix this; I want to fix us and I want to fix me, but those things are not one in the same and we are broken beyond words that will ever describe our state. I was slowly finding my own feet again, but then I learnt that I won’t be seeing you around anymore and it’s tearing me up into little shreds and I am so scattered.

You don’t love me, and that’s okay, I never asked you to and I don’t matter to you, and maybe nobody does, but I want to... I want to.

Be free.

"Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes. In order to be free, we must learn how to let go. Release the hurt. Release the fear. Refuse to entertain your old pain. The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life."

Beauty

Leave of absence

Firstly, I would like to apologise for the lack of blogging over the last three weeks. I have been working crazy hours and visiting places all over Australia's eastern coast and meeting up with people who I'd previously let slide out of my life.
I have a few pieces of writing I have done whilst waiting in various places, scribbled onto the back of napkins or on the edges of invoices that I will eventually put on here.
Will most probably another quiet blogging weekend as it is my birthday on Sunday, but I will be back in action on Monday, pinky promise!
 

I swore I felt his heart beat.

Sometimes, I feel so lost; I hide under the blankets, allowing myself to believe that when I re-emerge you will be there, smiling your condescendingly sweet smile, lecturing me for wasting a beautiful day in bed. You'd argue with me until we'd stumble over own our stupidities and then you would surrender, crawling into bed too so that my face could find that familiar crook between your jaw and shoulder that felt like home and everything, at least for a little while, would feel okay. 

But I lift those covers and reality comes rolling in. You aren't there, everything isn't okay and then I have to remind myself that this is what I asked for.

Sometimes, I feel so lost. You were the map to my decisions. 

Life is easy with eyes closed.

Relocation

I'm going to work my ass of for a while, and I am going to get out of here. I need change.

Always, love.

Today, I eliminated the last point of contact that I held with the person who has been the biggest part of my life for the last two years. A lot of people in my life will roll their eyes and tell me that it is about time I let go of the person who has caused so, so much damage in my life, but I guess they never really got the full story.

I'm not going to pretend that what we had was the very worst thing that happened to me, because the truth is that we were golden, even if it was for a short time. But like everything golden, it eventually begins to fade. We have made so many attempts to salvage what was once there, that I fear we have begun to tarnish the memory of some of the happiest times of my life.

This is one of the hardest things I have ever done, but tonight something changed and I realised that I am stuck when I am with you, and that is my biggest fear. I need to be constantly moving forward. I love you, and I have no doubt that I will always love you, and one day I will probably regret letting you go. But for now, I am trying to be someone I have neglected to be for two years.

I'm on my own now, and I have never felt more alone.
Somehow, I don't think this is a bad thing.

My heart is too big, and yours too black

Sometimes, I loved you. Sometimes, I sat in awe of you. And all the other times I was completely infatuated by you. I knew better than to accept things for face value but there was a magic about you that taught me to believe you were worth the benefit of my doubt. Deception is a priceless thing and you used it skillfully to your advantage. I apologised for ruining something you had worked hard on for seven years, but not one ounce of regret has fallen from your lips as you ruined something I had worked hard on for the best part of nineteen years.

Evidently, everything appears different in hindsight. I can see now that my heart was too big, and yours too black. I would have taken all your run-ons and disappointed stares for the rest of my life if I knew it could have made you happy and you haven't even managed to think twice about the consequences you laid on me when you walked into my life and destroyed everything I stood for.

I know the blame does not rest solely with you, but you should have considered the long term before you dove into these shallow, shallow waters.
I am not the only broken one.