Home is where the heart is.

For so long I considered myself to be a nomad. I didn't really have a stable home in this world, nor did I really feel like I belonged anywhere in particular, and I was okay with that. Until now.
Now I have this amazing home in North Carolina and I am surrounded by these mind-blowingly amazing people who never cease to send me into a state of wonder. How any group of strangers could be so welcoming and form such an instant family around me completely astonishes me, but it happened.
Everyday I feel so blessed to have my new home, and my substitute family who would cross oceans and move mountains to ensure I was happy.
Like I said, I was happy being nomadic, but I never really knew what I was missing until now.

Procrastination at it's finest.

• Taking my mind of things and filling my blog with rubbish. 
• 
  
• 1. If you’ve ever tried drugs or alcohol, what was your reason for first trying it?
• I don't do drugs, and I don't really think there was a reason for first trying alcohol, it just happened I suppose. 
• 2. Do you think you could ever have an abortion if you unexpectedly turned up pregnant right this second?
  No. 
• 3. If you were far from home and needed to sleep for the night, would you choose to rent a crappy motel room for $60 or sleep in your car for free?
  Depends where I am/who I am with. If it was safe enough to sleep in my car I'd probably do it. 
• 4. Is there a color shirt you’d NEVER wear?
  Pink. 
• 5. Is there a situation where you caved into peer pressure and regretted it?
  Nothing that springs to mind.
• 6. What is your favorite video game console? Why?
  Not my scene. 
• 7. Do you like vanilla candles?
  Is that even a real question? Who doesn't like vanilla candles!
• 8. Have you ever been in a relationship that was going great, and then suddenly something weird happened and you just KNEW it was going to be over soon?
  This perfectly sums up my last relationship. 
• 9. Would you ever bleach your hair platinum blonde?
  Been there, done that. 
• 10. What are your plans for tomorrow?
  North Carolina State Fair, yo!
• 11. What did you have for breakfast?
  Skipped it. 
• 12. Have you had a relationship in 2013 yet?
  Ended a very toxic one. 
• 13. Who last slept in your bed besides you?
  Rita. 
• 14. What time did you wake up today?
  I didn't really sleep last night, but I had a nap from 11 until noon if that counts. 
• 15. How long until your next birthday?
  Just under six months. 
• 16. What was the last movie you watched?
  Man of Steel - Do not waste your time watching this film. 
• 17. If you could see any musician live, front row, who would you choose?
  Bon Iver. 
• 18. When did you last consume something that had peanut butter?
  Last night I had a bite of a Reeses. 
• 19. What’s the last song you heard?
  Currently listening to Threnody - Goldmund. 
• 20. When you say you love someone, do you mean it?
  With all of my heart. 
• 21. Do you plan on sleeping in tomorrow?
  No, I have Italian at 10am. 
• 22. Do you still talk to any of your ex’s?
  Occasionally. 
• 23. As of this minute, what is going through your mind?
  Thinking of a friend, Matthew. 
• 24. Where’s the last place you went?
  I just came home from Miranda and Marrissa's place. 
• 25. Have you held hands with anyone lately?
  Probably. 
• 26. Has anyone let you down recently?
  I recently moved countries, so I wouldn't say people have let me down so much, rather some people haven't kept in touch like I thought they may have. 
• 27. Does it bother you when people try to make you jealous?
  It very rarely works. I'm not the jealous type. 
• 28. Whats the next movie you want to see in theaters?
  Not sure, I don't even know what's coming out. I don't own a tv. 
• 29. Do you have more than $50 in your room?
  Yes.
• 30. Are both of your blood parents still in your life?
  Yes. 
• 31. Were you tired when you woke up this morning?
  Like I said, I didn't sleep.. so yes. 
• 32. Who is probably talking a load of crap about you right now?
  Oh goodness, no one preferably. 
• 33. When was the last time you went apple picking?
  Never in my life. 
• 34. Do you sometimes wake up in the morning, lay in bed and think about life?
  Daily. 
• 35. Are you happy winter is coming soon?
  Very!
• 36. Do you have drama in your life?
  Not much, just the way I like it. 

Hold on to these memories

I wrote this a while ago, but I feel the need to repost it today.


I have questions for you that I never got a chance to ask:
Do you look like you did back then? Would it make a difference anyway?
Do you think of me, when you least expect it - when you're unwrapping a garden hose or titling your face to the shower or making love to someone else? And can you leave it at that, or do you find yourself compulsively sifting through the memories?
If I had been the one to leave, would you have written your heart out to me?

Hopeless wanderer.

I knew from the very first day that I saw you, holding a sign with my name in the airport. It was late but I swear that your smile could have lit the runway for those planes. I knew when we walked around the department stores and when you helped me track down all my lost luggage at midnight. It's a common saying, that one day someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else, and now, I finally understand.

Last night we were on our way back from Tar River and I couldn't stop looking at you. I looked at you in a way that I have looked at very few people in my life. Somewhere between the freckles on your arms and your sun kissed face, I knew that I needed you in my life. Listening to Mumford and Sons as we drove into towards the setting sun of North Carolina, all the confessions fell between the words we were saying.
We made a dinner of nutella and yoghurt and I knew that night, you were exactly what I have needed all this time.

"So when your hope's on fire, but you know your desire

Don't hold a glass over the flame, don't let your heart grow cold. 

I will call your name, I will share your road. 

But hold me fast cause I'm a hopeless wanderer". 

Melt my heart

The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do. 
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you.
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you. 

Forever Perfect

"You said, ain't this just like the present,
To be showing up like this?
As the moon waned to crescent
We started to kiss.
And I said I know it well,
The secret that we know that we don't know how to tell"

Blood Bank, Bon Iver.
Forever explaining my feelings through lyric.

This is love

Lady, running down to the riptide
Taken away to the dark side
I wanna be your left hand man
I love you when you're singing that song and
I got a lump in my throat because 
You're going to sing the words wrong. 

There's this movie that I think you'll like
This guy decides to quit his job and head to New York City
This cowboy's running from himself
and she's been living on the highest shelf. 

Vance Joy - Riptide (Acoustic)

Que Sera Sera

Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, things don't work out the way you had planned them.

Change

It's 3:07 in the morning and I'm sitting in the bathroom light of my studio apartment in Hollywood, as I have done the last few nights, unable to seep. California is so enchanting and so disconcerting at the same time. In half an hour, I will be heading back to the airport for another three flights until I reach my new home on the East Coast and hopefully fall back into a more regular sleeping pattern.

I thought it would be so much harder to leave home, until I left, then it was one of the easiest things in the world to do. Here is the thing, I live in constant fear of losing the people I love, but travelling/leaving has this uncanny ability to show you the people who really care and what really matters. I'm talking about the people who will answer your phone calls despite the time difference, who have sent me letters and who are scared to loose me just as equally as I am of them.  There are no false pretences and it becomes really clear who and what matters all of a sudden.
So just quickly before I miss my taxi call, I want to say thank you to the people in my life I don't have to worry about losing, the ones who are always there for me and have held my hand and supported me in this entire journey I have embarked on. I could not be more blessed than I am, having such compassionate and caring people in my life. The love I have for you is infinite and I don't fear it ever running out.
X

It's moving day!

Stay tuned bloggerbees :)

Happy.

"I hope one day you buy every pretty dress you've ever wanted. I hope you wear them and dance barefoot in summer and laugh. I hope you smile at all of the little things, like flowers and the laughter of children. I hope you get that tattoo you've always wanted. I hope you learn to speak French fluently. I hope you go to Paris and every single state in the US. I hope you never stop singing, even when people tell you that you can't - in fact, especially then. That's when I hope you'll sing the loudest. I hope you buy a bracelet everywhere you go, until your whole arm is filled with them. I hope you stop beating yourself up about everything that's out of your control. I hope you have the guts to speak up when something is important to you. I hope you step out of your comfort zone. I hope you fall insanely in love with someone unexpected. I hope you forget about your scars - inside and out - and learn to be happy"

Running

"I'm terrified of the dark, but not if you go with me. I don't need a pill to make me numb. And I wrote the book on running, but that chapter of my life will soon be done, I'm the king of the great escape"

August, the 4th.

It is so peculiar to think that this night four years ago, you changed my life, my whole perspective on the world and the way that I would go on in the future. Even now, years on, I still remember every single thing about that day and all those that followed, right up to this very moment.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you and feel so blessed to have experienced all that we have together. Despite everything that has now fallen between us, people, kilometres and happenstance, there will always be one constant. And that is the overwhelming amount of unconditional love I have for you. Do not get me wrong, there are days when I downright hate you and despise a lot of the decisions you make, but you have also stood by me through some pretty tricky times and tried your best to be the graceful man that I fell in love with, so serene and full of compassion. Thank you for being both my albatross and my lighthouse, saving me when I didn't realise I was drowning and providing me with guidance when I was so lost. I know it wasn't always smooth-sailing, but you are both the strongest and weakest person I know, so beautiful and strong.  I hope nothing in this world ever takes away your shine.
The last four years have truly been a rollercoaster, but there isn't a day I wouldn't relive with you. I am so happy that we are still in each other's lives, even if it is not the way we had fathomed. I love you so god damn much and I wouldn't trade you for anything, kid.
♥ ♥ ♥

Fate?

What if the one that got away, came back?

Bad decisions make good stories.

I wish that we hadn't left things so tangled and impossible and I wish that I had the means to fix all of the problems hanging between us, even if that meant spending another string of endless nights awake with you, sharing a silence full of the words neither of us really wanted to say. It was never about finding someone who wouldn't fight with me or make me sad, because we both know that sometimes we brought out the worst in each other. But it was about finding the one who would be there after the fight and making me laugh again, and that was you, every time.  I couldn't begin to describe the weight of missing you, but I have to remind myself, if you wanted to talk you would simply pick up the phone and call me, wouldn't you? Everybody is wishing for no more mistakes and all I can think about is you.

Ready to run

"I'll close my eyes so then I wont see, the love you don't feel when you're holding me".

Always

Somethings never change.

Life

My constant morning dilemma at the moment. 

Happy

I convinced myself that I'd go into this head strong. I didn't want to get caught up in something when everything is so close to finishing.
But here we are, and we drive down that highway and your face shines under every street light and I'm singing at the top of my lungs and you just sit there smiling. And as every mile goes by, I'm falling more and more for you.

30 - Finito

Day 30 - What are you most looking forward to?

I cannot wait to move. It is getting closer and closer and I am already feeling the heaviness hanging over me of saying goodbye to some of the loveliest and darling people that this world has to offer, but I couldn't be more excited to start fresh and take a break from hometown dramas.

To my followers, thank you for reading 30 days worth of significant pointless points and poor writing.

The Great Gatsby

Today, I saw The Great Gatsby. I was hesitant to see the film as I love the book so much, but I have to say the majority of the film was absolutely flawless. The scene, the music and the acting was impossibly perfect, however the love detailed within the narrative could never be adequately captured in a film without the vastness of the words of F. Scott Fitzgerald.
If you have seen the movie, do so.
If you haven't read the book, you must.

"Gatsby believed in the green light, the orgastic future that year by year recedes before us. It eluded us then, but that's no matter - tomorrow we will run faster, stretch out our arms farther...
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past"

-F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

29

Day 29 - Your favourite song and why?

I've written before what Bon Iver means to me, but it all started back in 2007 when I first heard this beautifully broken song. Over the last few years, there has been countless covers of this song as Bon Iver has grown more popular, but none have even come remotely close to capturing the raw emotion that Justin Vernon envelops in his song.

Enjoy,

Forever breathtaking

Infinite love for this man.

28

Day 28: Something you worry about a lot:

To be completely honest, I don't worry about anything a lot. The way I look at it, if you are worried about something you should fix it. And if you can't fix it, what's the point in worrying about it?

This life is far too short to waste time worrying :)

Be happy ♥

Nostalgia in it's finest form.

For Krish,
I remember everything about you so clearly, even though it all began years ago, even when you asked me this morning like there was a possibility that I could have forgotten what we shared. Constantly, you tell me that you need me in your life forever and despite me reassuring you that I am not going anywhere, I wish I could say the same for you.
I replay the old original XX tunes and relive all of our old memories. I miss your warm skin and sitting on the couch staring at the Harbour bridge, fascinated by how truly beautiful this world is sometimes. How perfect moments like this could be, with you all entangled around me. I remember laughing at Shall's bad jokes and terrible directions. I would have sat on that couch with you for the rest of eternity had you asked me at the time.  Like we always say, those were the best nights and mornings of our lives and you are someone who will always be nearest to my old blackened heart. As much as you drive me crazy, nothing could replace your random "I love you" texts, your voice or your unbelievably sweet words. I can not string the words together to convey how much I am going to miss you when I move, but that's life and I know you'll never be far away if I need you.
As happy as I am, I'd be lying if I said I wish it had turned out this way.

Perfecto.

"If you love someone, you tell them. Even if you're scared that it's not the right thing. Even if you're scared that it'll cause problems. Even if you're scared that it will burn your life to the ground, you say it, and you say it loud and you go from there"

-Mark Sloan, Grey's Anatomy. 

Twenty-seven

Day 27 - Something you feel strongly about:

Equality. Whether its between women and men, race and religion or gay rights, I believe we are all humans, born exactly the same with acute differences that are no excuse to be treated unequal to the person next to you.
I ask you, should gay marriage become legalised, what would happen? The world would continue to turn, you would continue to work your job and continue to still be an asshole on Saturday morning after too many drinks the night before. Bottom line is that your life wouldn't change at all. However, the life of gay couples would significantly improve. Not only could they be joined in legal matrimony, they would have the same rights if their spouse was to pass away, the same rights to raise children and the same rights that everyone else takes for granted in their 47 day marriages.
This world needs more love. Lets stop drawing lines between who should and should not be able to do things and give everyone the same choices.
Let live.

Almost over!

Day 26 - What happened today?

Well this morning I worked, which was average at best. However tonight James and I are going to one of my favourite little rooftop terrace bars in Newtown, Sydney, to celebrate the end of the exam period for uni. Fingers crossed for another semester successfully completed. Can't wait :)

A little love letter, a lot late.

I went to your old house today and was instantly flooded of reminders of what once was. It is the place we were sitting when I told you I knew that my life would never be the same again, and how right I was. Now little children play on the porch where we would curl in the sun, the porch when I'd scream at you and tell you I'd never come back, the porch that I'd stand on when you opened the door and your smile took my breath away every time. In retrospect, I think of all the love you gave me and how rarely I told what it meant to me. As much as we both screwed up, I will always love you wholeheartedly and I want you to know how much I appreciate you for always giving me someone to run back to on the darkest of days when I least deserved it.
Even though everything has changed and our worlds no longer intertwine flawlessly as they once did, I will never forget the elevator kisses, sharing belly laughs at 3am, lying together on the floor in the sun all day and driving for hours to find places where we could be ourselves. You were some of my very best days and a large percentage of my favourite memories. Thank you for being so wonderful to me when I needed it the most. I am so immensely thankful that I got to share what I did with you.

Love,
Fearless with skinny wrists.

25

Day 25 - Five things from your wishlist.

1. Buy an apartment in New York City - Nothing I'd love more in life than to be able to come and go from a little NYC studio as I please.

2. Adopt children in need - I strongly believe that personally I shouldn't bring more children into the world until those suffering from starvation/illness/abuse are adequately looked after.

3. Marry my best friend - I never really aspired to get married, but lately it's been something on my mind. Way further down the track, I would love to marry someone who I can speak to, who can make me laugh and who I respect. These are the most important things to me.

4. Continue overcoming my wonderlust - Over the last couple of years, I have travelled to 18 countries. Nothing in this world makes me happier than exploring new cultures, meeting new people and sharing conversations in broken languages with people I'll never forget. For all the years to come, I hope I keep up this habit and remain fortunate enough to be able to continue to fund this expensive hobby.

5. Get a job I really love - I want to make sure that when I really start my career that it is something that I really love, like helping children, or researching or writing. I want to feel fulfilment everyday and not feel as though I am wasting this life.

24

Day 24 - If you could live anywhere, where would it be?

Anyone at all who knows me could answer this question. Of course it is the fabulous city of New York, my temporary home that forever holds my heart.

Flawless

Marry your best friend. I do not say that lightly. Really, truly find the strongest, happiest friendship in the person you fall in love with. Someone who speaks highly of you. Someone you can laugh with. The kind of laughs that make your belly ache and your nose snort. The embarrassing, earnest, healing kind of laughs. Wit is important. Life is too short not to love someone who lets you be a fool with them. Make sure they are somebody who lets you cry too. Despair will come. Find someone that you want to be there with you through those times. Most importantly, marry the one that makes passion, love and madness combine and course through you. A love that will never dilute - even when the waters get deep and dark.

Perfect ♥

23.

Day 23 - Initials of people you've been in love with.

JR & BC.

Many people have come and gone in my life, a lot of whom I have immense amount of love for but have not been in love with. But there are two who stick out in my life. They know who they are.

Moving day is looming.

The leaves fall between us like all the words left unsaid. I always have trouble deciphering between reality and all of the things we wish to be. There is something so fragile about the memories we are creating, knowing the heavy pretence that hangs over our heads, gloomy and dark. You want to live life in the light but I am happy exploring these shadows, overturning every dark and beautiful gutter that the world has to offer.
I am so full of hope for the future and you are barely at arms length. Even though we will be on opposite sides of the world for the next few years, nothing will change. I have always been a dreamer, believing that people are beautiful, underneath their cracked souls and beautiful scars. You just have to be willing to dig a little deeper than before. Please don't give up just yet. You can only live in a dream if you give yourself the chance. As for me, you will always know where to find me, crawling in the dark corners of foreign cities with people who are a little too tired of this world, sharing some light.

I don't know about you, but I'm feeling 22

Day 22 - A song you listen to before you go out?

There isn't really a specific song I listen to before I go out, it purely depends on my mood. I have over 500 cd's and records, so there is always a bit of a mix. Usually sometimes with a strong beat like Jamie XX. Here's a sample



Enjoy!

Three whole weeks.

Day 21 - What was the last movie you watched? Write about it.

Currently watching The Virgin Suicides.

It's an old favourite. If you haven't seen it do so. Any movie that has the tagline 'Love Sex Passion Fear Obsession' has to be amazing, right?

20

Day 20 - What have you learnt in the past month?

In the last month, I have learnt that people will only take advantage of you if you give them the opportunity.
I have also learnt that some 'friends' will betray to gain whatever it is they need.
I learnt that giving up is not a sign of weakness, but in fact one of the hardest things to do in this life.
I learnt that just because people don't love you the way you want them to, does not mean they don't love you in the very best way that they can.
Foremostly, I learnt that there is nothing that tea, Bon Iver and beautiful friends cannot fix.

My Kind of Love

I know sometimes I get angry and I say what I don't mean

I know I keep my heart protected far away from my sleeve,

But don't ever question that my heart beats only for you.

It beats only for you. 

Because when you've given up, 

When no matter what you do it's never good enough

When you never thought that it could ever get this tough

That's when you'll feel my kind of love. 

Beautiful woman!

Happy.

I am not a princess by any means, but it is awfully nice to have someone around who opens doors for me and takes me to cute cafes in the mountains for tea at 9pm on Friday night. It is nice to have someone take me to my favourite spots in the darkest corners of Sydney and it is really nice to just talk, really talk, to someone.

I don't know when I was last this happy or satisfied in the company of someone just being. There is no need for false impressions or multi-personas because you are the loveliest person I know.
You put up with my foul-mouthed rants, my crazy antics and my wicked indecisiveness without saying a word and I couldn't begin to tell you what that means.

I love this immense happiness that you have brought into my life.

19

Day 19 - Who is your favourite singer/band and why?


Bon Iver. There are not many moments in life that you can point to and say "That is when it all changed". But for me, Bon Iver was one of them, back in his lonely days in early 2009, before all the covers and before anyone really knew him. Back when his videos has less than 200 views and there were a tiny little cult of us Bon Iver lovers.
 I care not to explain what I was doing, but the way it made me feel. It was the first time I felt like there was more to this life than my direct surroundings. More people to meet, things to see and adventures to be had. In this moment, I was given hope and everything changed for me.



My love for you, your story and your music is infinite, you brilliant, brillian man ♥

Amen!

The answer to almost every question, ever. 

18

Day 18 - Who is your favourite actress:

This beautiful woman is my favourite actress. To be honest, she is actually my number 1 girl crush and probably the only person I'd turn for. Such a lively soul who has never taken herself too seriously and look what she has achieved. Her work on the film Silver Linings Playbook is incomparable to that of any other. She tells stellar jokes and has to be one of the most flawlessly gorgeous people. It's also a minor plus that her on-screen partner is Bradley Cooper for three films running now!. At only 22, she has achieved so much. A poster girl for following your dreams and being real. 

Priceless Advice

If you're laying in bed
wrapped up in sheets
of miserable thoughts
go to sleep.

If thumbing through old messages
only causes your heart to ache
and long for something attainable
erase them.

If it hurts to keep
everything you're feeling
bottled up inside
let it out.

If you're clinging to someone
that doesn't treat you like
you're worth the world
let them go. 

Because sometimes
we choose to believe
that things are only
indistinguishable shades of grey
when in reality,
life is more black and white
than it seems.

If you unhappy
with the way
you are living your life
change it.

-MG

Space required

Just because people don't share their problems with the rest of the world, doesn't mean they don't have them. Everyone has their own battles, no matter how significant, and everyone needs room to breathe.

17!

Day Seventeen - 5 things you look for in a partner/boyfriend/girlfriend:


1. Patience: I am constantly on an emotional rollercoaster and there is no point bringing anyone into my life that does not share the virtue of patience to not only deal with myself, but also the situations I will most likely get us into.

2. Trust & Respect: For me, the two go hand in hand. If I cannot trust you, I will not respect you. To be trustworthy is the ultimate requirement for me in a relationship. There is no point even trying to have a successful relationship if you cannot trust the one you are with.

3. Kindness: Nothing more heartmelting than a man who is kind and compassionate to those around him and isn't afraid to show it.

4. Passion: I get frustrated with people who have no passion or direction in life. I like to stay motivated and surround myself with like-minded people.

5. Affection: I am the golden retriever of human beings. I require affection and attention and search for people who are similar. That may be needy, but so be it.

16!

Day 16 - What is your stance on religion:

Each to their own. I believe in something, although I couldn't tell you exactly what it is, I do believe that there is a greater force out there. I don't, however, affiliate with a single religion. Religion is single-handedly responsible for the largest number of deaths and wars in this world, so until people learn to live in peace, I will continue to live without religion.

Half Way

Day 15 - What do you want to be when you grow up, why did you choose it?

Ultimately, I want to be an activist who fights for children's rights. At the moment I am studying social welfare and education of children aged 0-12 years and in a few years I plan to re-enter the social welfare sector for children. I chose to do this because there are so many defenseless, beautiful children in this world that don't have anyone to fight for them and have no idea of their value. Children are the most beautiful, pure things that this world has to offer and if I can protect even a few of them, I will rest happily.

Lovely

There will be dozens of people who take your breath away, but the one who reminds you to breathe is the one you should keep.  -C.P

Even though everything is different now, I am thankful that I am grounded and have a handful of beautiful people in my life that keep my feet planted firmly on the ground, but my dreams in the sky.

14

Day 14 - A habit you wish you didn't have:

I run from commitment all the time. I will move countries if it means saving myself from various forms of commitment. The entire notion makes me weak and nauseous. I have undoubtedly missed so many opportunities in my life due to my fear of commitment and I am trying my damnedest to overcome it, but the matter of it is that I am far to free-spirit to be tied down.

12 & 13.

Day 12 - What is your favourite book?
Oh so many, I could sit here for days rattling them off. Throughout majority of my teenage years, Looking for Alaska was my favourite book, so that will always be high up on my list. Along with a lot of classics like Gatsby and anything written by F. Scott Fitzgerald. I also have an enormous love for Eat, Pray, Love as you'll notice dozens of Elizabeth Gilbert quotes. P.S I Love You is also a favourite, the book is ten million times great than the movie.
In summary anything by:
John Green
F. Scott Fitzgerald
Elizabeth Gilbert
Nicolas Sparks
Jodi Picoult.

Can't choose one, sorry.



Day 13 - What are you looking forward to next month?

Next month will be one month till I move to NC, USA. I couldn't be more excited to watch the countdown dwindle away. Also have a few birthdays I am looking forward to and a couple of concerts :)

Still alive for you, love.

You've torn me apart time and time again. But here's another chance, love. I am ready.

Eleven.

Day 11: Name the two most significant people in your life and explain why:

Mumma: You are my hero, my guider and my centre of balance. You are the very strongest woman I know. You would give the everything you had if it meant the people you loved would be protected. You respect me enough to let me make my own decisions and run away on adventures, but love me enough to welcome me back when times get hard. You are my very best friend, even if we don't always see eye to eye. Sorry for being a rascal for a large percentage of our relationship, but thank you for never giving up on me. The love I have for you is infinite and leaving you behind when I move will be the hardest thing I have ever done.

J: As much as you have lost your place in my life, there is no doubt of your significance. Elizabeth Gilbert wrote, "he was my lighthouse and albatross in equal measure", and how right you were. You have been a part of every decision I made for so long, constantly guiding me and picking up my pieces when I was so broken. However, you were also a prison of your own making, mentally trapping me in ways I can't explain. I regularly talk about the bad things we went through, but seldom speak of your generous nature or your ability to love endlessly, both admirable qualities. As much as we are fading out, your significance in my life for the last five years is unquestionable. I hate you so much some days,  but it could never outweigh the amount of love I have for you. Be strong and happy, but most of all, please be wise.

Day 10

Day 10: A picture that makes you happy

This is a picture of me and Clairebee. It is one of my favourite photos of all time. It was taken during a trip to Europe together and we'd just had the most awful/wonderful experience, hence the looks on our faces. This photo capture a moment of pure happiness. So much love for this beautiful girl!.

9!

Day Nine: What has changed this month?

Wonderful timing, being the end of the month and all.
I have had to stand on my own two feet again after coming out of a relationship, which has been one of the most wonderful experiences. I also found the strength within myself to cut the most influential person in my life, out of it, which has been something I have been trying to do for almost five years.
I have also had to get my shit together and get ready to move countries soon.
And as of this week, I will finish uni for the semester and say goodbye to some of the most darling people in the world for the rest of the year. I wouldn't be able to deal with uni without the help of my friends there, so kudos to them.

So in a nutshell, I gained back my independence, got ready to move and became nostalgic about leaving people behind. Overall, life is good.

Left.

Leaving you was probably one of the hardest decisions I have made. However, since the day I made that decision I do not regret it with a single fragment of my body. I am so much happier and healthier and enjoying life so much more. It's almost as if this heavy weight has been released from my shoulders. I am at peace with myself and I haven't been this happy in a long, long time. 

Day 8

Day Eight: Favourite Season.

Autumn is hands down my favourite season. I love hats, coats, gloves and scarves, but I don't like to be frozen to the bone as I often am in Winter. I love watching the leaves change colour and everything slow down from the fast paced summer.
There is something so organic about Autumn.

Day Seven!

Day Seven - Write a letter to your loved one.

Just a side note, this is the first time in five years I'm not writing to who I usually do. Also, I can't believe a week has past since I have started this!

Okay, the letter, at the moment I am concentrating on myself. Coming out of a messy relationship and having a few too many complicated boys in my life has left me with no choice. As such, I am choosing a quote from Elizabeth Gilbert's inner self.

"I'm here. I love you. I don't care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There's nothing you can do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me". 

This has become a personal mantra for me at the moment. I always reread this book when I am in a funk. It's important to remember to love yourself, because you can't expect others to if you can't.

Six!

Day Six: If you were to get a tattoo what would it be?

Getting it soon, it's a surprise. Stay tuned :)

Day Five

Day Five: What is your favourite movie? Why is it important to you?


One, really? I can't pick one. But I have narrowed it down to three.

1) Almost Famous - My all time favourite movie. There is so much truth to it and it is so relevant. A movie about people understand the difference between being a 'bandaid' and being a 'groupie'. A movie about people who understand that music speaks what words cannot not. A movie which promotes going completely after what it is you want in life and not stopping until you get there.

2) In the Land of Women - A twisted look at life for people who believe that the grass is greener and all that garbage. Life is exactly what you make it to be and that's largely the message throughout this movie.

3) P.S I Love You - Purely because somewhere deep down, I'm a romantic and this movie is exactly what I pull out when I just need to sit and cry for 3 hours.

Also deserving a mention as they are also favourites are: Into The Wild, The Secret Life of Bees, Remember Me and a whole range of black and white films.

Day Four

Day Four: What is your favourite quote and how does it relate to your life.

I have a huge book, filled with quotes that I have collected over the years, but there are two that always stick with me, no matter what I am doing or where I go.

Firstly is one by the late American author, Kurt Vonnegut, who's work so accurately depicts his greatness:

"Be soft.
Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate.  Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. 

Take pride, that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place".

And the second is by Harun Yahya, a Turkish author who I strongly advise you to read if you haven't, for he is brilliant:

"I always wonder why birds choose to stay in the same place when they can fly anywhere on the earth. Then I ask myself the same question".

Basically, the first quote is relevant to anyone's life. It is about being gracious and thankful for the life you have despite the downfalls and hardships you may experience. I think it is the hardest, but most valuable lessons that I have ever learnt.
The second one is personal mantra for me. If you do not like something, change it. Do not sit and complain about things you can fix. This world is so vast and has so many opportunities, there is no reason for you to be grounded where you are not happy.

♥

♥

Side note

I just wanted to take a second to note how deliriously happy I am right at this moment. One of my favourite things about my blog is being able to look back on it and remember exactly how I felt at any given moment... So here it goes.

I have the most insanely beautiful people in my life. People care for me so much that they are so ready to drop everything and be by my side should I need them, people who love me enough to be honest with me and people who respect me enough to let me stand on my own two feet but are behind me should I fall. I just feel so ridiculously lucky and spoilt to be blessed with such wonderful people in my life at this moment, when I have needed them the most. Soon, I will be moving overseas, and despite the distance, I know that these people will always be right beside me spiritually and I couldn't ask for anything more.
A few shoutouts to my darlings;

Patty: The sweetest, most kind-hearted man this world has to offer. Never could I find a funny, more genuine friend than that I have found in you. I am so glad to have you in my life. You are the constant smile on my face and the warmth that radiates from me. Never, ever stop shining you beautiful man!

Sy: Sy, I could go on for decades about you. You have stood by my side all these years and allowed me to make so many terrible decisions, but never once have you turned your back on me. In fact, you are always the very first person to pick me up when I fall and have never failed to make me happy. You are a blessing in disguise.

JIreland: J.I, goodness gracious you are a darling. You have been to hell in back in your life time, but you haven't stopped smiling, or making me smile. I am so happy to have you in my life, however sporadically it may be. You have the most fantastic taste in music and constantly provide me with wonderful tunes, but that doesn't even begin to cover your greatness. If only you could see yourself through our eyes, you'd know how truly fantastic you are.

Lauren: One of the only people in the world I can be 100% honest with, without fear of judgement or disloyalty  I can't even count the years we have been friends or the arguments we have had, but you are such a beautiful person, with the strongest heart I know. Your determination and courage leaves me in awe daily. You're an inspiration, you goddess!

Christopher: You know all of my deepest darkest secrets, and you still listen to me go on and on about my adventures (or misadventures) and laugh and cry with me when I need you. Our lives are so insanely busy and on two such different paths now, but the second I need you, you are always there for me and I couldn't ever tell you what that means. You have been one of my best friends for so many years, and I will be eternally greatful for all that you have done for me.

To be honest, I have so many amazing people in my life, but without these five at the moment, I don't know where I would be. They are honestly keeping me smiling and enjoying this beautiful life.

Day Tres

Day Three: Write a letter to someone you haven't talked to for a long time


You know who you are,
It's been a few months or so since we last spoke, if you'd even consider that. Otherwise it's been about 18 months since we were skipping work and catching trains to the middle of nowhere just to escape this crazy place for a little while. It's been about two years since we were in the park at midnight every night, sharing the dark secrets of our lives.
As ridiculously crazy as it was it still felt right to be with you, there in that moment, and not need anything else. In hindsight, we were naive and foolish to believe that things were ever going to pan out the way we had planned, but it didn't stop the happiness that our "someday"'s and our "eventually"'s provided us with.
For so long I resented you. I hated the things that you made me feel, but even more I hated you for taking those feelings away. Like I said we were naive, but we cannot say that we didn't know better.
You look so happy now and as much as I played a part in your downfall, I do not regret it for a moment. The whispers, the dark and the truths that we couldn't handle. This life has magic, if only you know where to look for it.
You were such an infinitely strong influence on my life, in good and bad ways. And as much as I miss you some days, I am so very glad you are now a part of my past.
CWM.

Day two

Day 2. What are the differences between you and your best friend.

Whilst we are quite similar, there are a few obvious differences between Olivia and I.
1. She is a commitment person, whereas I'll turn on my car and drive as far away from commitment at possible 
2. She is so incredibly grounded and focused, whilst I'm only focused on what's going to happen in the next 5 minutes and how far away my next trip is.
3 Olivia has the ridiculously accurate moral compass and always knows what to do in any given situation. I on the other hand steam roll through life without much consideration for my consequences.
4. I am generally, awfully unmotivated while Olivia could motivate a plant to grow just by looking at it. 
5. I have no life plans, I am very a person who believes life will work out exactly how it should, while Olivia could tell me exactly what she will be doing at this minute in five years time. 

That's about it. All out differences compliment each other. I love her to the moon and back and I wouldn't trade her for the world. 

Day One

Day One - Write 15 facts about yourself

1. My head and heart are almost always at opposites.

2. I have red hair.

3. My biggest passion in life is travelling. I have been to 18 countries to far and have no intention of stopping soon. 

4. My independence is the most important thing to me.

5. I strongly believe you are only capable of achieving what you believe you can.

6. I don't chase after people. If you walk away, keep walking.

7. I love endlessly and unconditionally. It hurts more than I couldn't explain, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

8. I hate attachments and people being attached.

9. I could count the number of people I trust on one hand.

10. I completely disagree with the death penalty.

11. Spelling errors make my insides curdle.

12. I have dreamed of living in New York City since I was about six.

13. I live without religion, but not without morals.

14. I don't think everyone deserves a second chance, or that everything happens for a reason.

15. I find it really difficult to think of 15 facts about myself.

Wasting time

This is procrastion at it's finest. I have a ridiculous amount of things to do in the coming month, so I'm going to add this on top. Enjoy!
__________________________________________________________
30 Day Challenge

1. Write 15 facts about yourself
2. What are the differences between you and your best friend.
3. Write a letter to someone you haven't talked to for a long time.
4. What is your favourite quote and how does it relate to your life?
5. What is your favourite movie? Why is it important to you?
6.  If you were to get a tattoo what would it be?
7. Write a letter to your loved one.
8. Favourite season?
9. What has changed this month?
10. A picture that makes you happy.
11. Name the two most significant people in your life and explain why.
12. What is your favourite book?
13. What are you looking forward to next month?
14. A habit you wish you didn't have?
15. What do you want to be when you get older, why did you choose it?
16. What is your stance on religion?
17. Five things you look for in a partner/boyfriend/girlfriend.
18. Who is your favourite actress.
19. Who is your favourite singer/band and why?
20. What have you learnt in the past month?
21. What was the last movie you watched? Write about it.
22. A song you listen to before you go out?
23. Initials of people you've been in love with.
24. If you could live anywhere, where would it be?
25. Five things from your wishlist
26. What happened today?
27. Something you feel strongly about.
28. Something you worry about a lot.
29. Your favourite song and why.
30. What are you most looking forward to?

Content

Just like we said all those years ago, this is all we have, this life. One shot at everything is all we're ever going to have. And I am so in love with you. Even if that is the only thing that I am ever sure of in this life, that will be okay with me.

Blessed be.

Twenty years from now, I am going to look back and remember that you were that one person who could turn every frown into a smile in a few simple words; that person who lifted my head when I was losing faith in myself, that one person who carried tears on her shoulder after every fight, every break up, every death; that one person that accepted every decision I made, the one who sat with me on Valentines day and ate a whole tub of ice cream, the one who moved interstate but never really left my side, that one person who rationalised every decision I made, that one person that made the biggest difference in my life... my best friend.

Olivia, you mean everything in this world and more to me. I don't know what the hell I did to get so lucky to have you as my best friend, but I can tell you that I would do it ten thousand times over to ensure that I never have to know what it is like to go through this twisted journey of life without you. I thank the stars every day that you are the person you are, strong-minded, independent, graceful and beautiful. You truly are my very own one in a million. Love you always girl!

Nothing is mundane

"Do you ever think about all the people who you might have fallen in love with if only you'd taken a different way home or stood a little longer in the bread isle at the supermaket? All of the people who might have been an integral part of your life but instead you'll never know them. The unimaginable impact that our mundane choices have on our lives really gets to me. Think of how many times I might have died if I'd made different choices. Maybe I'd be homeless, maybe I'd be famous, maybe I'd be rich. Sometimes I'm so overwhelmed by the impact of my choices that I can't choose anything at all because I'm afraid today will be the day I make the choice that changes everything".

Le sigh.

Would give ten millions dollars for these feelings to go away ♥

Raw

Never have I felt so alone in this big world. I'm unsure as to when things got so messy and so complicated, but I would give every star in the night sky if I could change it all back.
There is so much hurt that cannot be fixed by bandaids, poetry or even my favourite bottle of mum-wine. This undertow is carrying me further than I know and I care not to stop it.
I choose to always look for the very best in people. I will never stop searching for what's hidden beneath all the cynicism and negativity because people are so beautiful, even if they are sometimes to scared to show it. I may be naive, but I am strong and I will not stop fighting. The days are flipping over like a coin in my hand and before I know I will be out of here without so much as looking back. But I will never stop searching, nor will I ever stop believing that there is beauty within all of this. Even if it is hard to find, even if it hurts and even if your walls are sky high, I will break them down.

Darling, oh darling

But honey, it's like the rain; 
It's like when thirsty and there's none in the well
When darkness has already fell.
It's like breaking dreams of a broken man
And nothing makes it come on down, like the rain can. 

Thanks for making me stronger

"What doesn't kill you leaves scars, 

ruins your lungs 

and dries out your tears.

Leaves you lying awake at 4 in the morning, 

wishing you weren't alive". 

Hard words

I hear your voice and I knew right away... if you were here, what your eyes would say. But I'm not going to shed one more tear for you. 

Perhaps I'm five years too late, or one day too early, but this is the end of the line for us. No one knows me like you do and I have finally realised just how bad that is. You say you still love me, but that isn't what this is anymore.
This is the end.
♥

Forever dance alone. You're scared because I feel like home. 

Home

I've seen a palace in London, I've seen a castle in Wales. But I'd rather wake up beside you and breathe that old familiar smell.

Dallas Green, you beautiful man. Where would I be without you?

Simplicity

I never knew quite how much I missed you until you came back. You have always filled every aching void. It is so nice to feel you around again. Please don't leave.

I love you to the moon and back, but I'd go farther if you asked.

Cold autumn nights with the familiar sting that winter is just around the corner, childhood sweethearts and distant memories from countries I cannot remember. I have almost forgotten what it is like to not miss someone or be anxious or be so god damn tired all of the time. Life is funny sometimes. Not always 'haha' funny or 'I'm getting abs from laughing' kind of funny, but 'for-the-20-millionth-time-I-have-got-myself-into-the-same-unbelievable-situation' kind of funny. Lately, however, it has turned into "I-am-going-to-run-20-miles-with-a-broken-heart-and-pretend-everything-is-still-okay" kind of funny, which to be honest, really isn't funny at all. It's ironic, the way we say life can be funny, when no one is laughing and so I'm waiting, waiting anxiously all the time for the day that you turn up on my doorstep or my phone rings and you ruin everything all over again. But you know what, I'll still get my dustpan out and sweep up your fragments and put you back together so you can do it all over again. Solid ground has never been so unattainable. You used to be my life raft, but now you're the sinking ship. I love you to the moon and back, but I'd go farther if you asked.

Pass the pillow

In life, you will find that it is necessary to let go of certain things because they are so heavy. You can spend your entire existence trying to fix people and situations, but at the end of the day, there are some things that are better left broken. I am so exhausted. I am entirely indebted to my body, physically and emotionally. I am so tired of trying to be the person that you all need me to be that I have forgotten how important it is to be who I need me to be.

This probably doesn't make sense to any one who is reading this and to be honest, today I am okay with that. I cannot wait to get on a big ass aeroplane and get my ass so far away from this place and all the complications it contains.

Take me home, darling.

It's over now. Maybe my ups are all downtown so far away. I'm too lost to be found. I guess you knew nothing matters anymore and that's the secret to New York. 

Dreamer

It's beautiful when you find someone who is in love with your mind. Someone who wants to undress you conscience and make love to your thoughts. Someone who wants to watch you slowly take down all the walls you've built up around your mind and let them inside.

♥ ♥ ♥  

Le Life

Some days you wake up feeling great, full of freedom and possibility. But you haven't had one of those days in a long time. Maybe ever.
-Miranda July. 

I love you, you crazily talented woman!

He always explains so accurately what I'm feeling.

Regret

I need you so much closer. I don't know why I do this to myself, again and again. Take me back 5 years, because tonight there is so much that I need to change. You asked me for my favourite J&H moment, well how about this... the whole god damn stupid crazy thing! That was my favourite moment. Every minute of every day of every month of every year, they were my favourite moments. I cannot catalogue it and pinpoint my favourite, I could never choose. But I can tell you one thing, this sucks. This is not my favourite moment and I absolutely loathe you to the moon and back right now.

Alive

Ain't anythin' ever been truer.

Greatest

Can always rely on these girls to pull me out of a funk!

To the most beautiful person I have ever known...

Dearest J,

You are the most beautiful person I have ever known, the very warmest colour and all of the coldest shades in between. You were once my entire world, and even now, you remain to be one of the largest pieces of my universe. You were very much like light, you crept in slowly, but had flooded the room before I learnt how to shut the shades and held me entirely. But just as quietly, you slipped away before I could really take notice. I look at pictures of you now and there is something so soft and familiar but there is also a lot of hurt. I used to dream of the time that all of this would be behind us, dream of all those times we spoke of running away like the cowards that we always were. Now, I fight the tears when I hear the original Phoenix demo because all I think of is being 17 and feeling as though nothing in this world could ever feel this good again. Nothing could ever be this perfect. Time is so ruthless and unforgiving. 18 and you are kissing me in the petrol station, routine before you'd fill the tank. 19 and you're telling me you will never stop loving me, no matter how far apart this life might separate us.  20 and now 21 and I still needed to believe that in the back of my mind, we would always be destined, your terrible eyebrow piercing and my belly laugh, we belonged. Our bits and pieces of nothing that were never just nothing.
It's your gentle unknowing that kills me the most. But nonetheless, I love you and I will always love you, you know that better than anyone. I wish you all the best in your new life ahead, but know that I can no longer be a part of this despite knowing that the feelings that lay between us will never rest. I will never hurt you in the ways that I did before.

Your midnight girl, your fearless with skinny wrists, your biggest mistakes
Always,
XO.

Drainer

Good god, I hate making these stupid decisions that will effectively change everything. 

Lovesong

You've carried on so long, you couldn't stop if you tried. You've built your wall so high that no one could climb it, but I'm going to try. Would you let me see beneath your beautiful?

Taking a page out of my teen days.

1: What would you name your future daughter?
Spencer Rose
2: Do you miss anyone?
Always.

3: What if I told you that you were pretty?
Computers can't speak silly. 

4: Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?
In a round about way I suppose, although there was a bit more to the story.

5: What are you looking forward to in the next week?
Booking my accommodation in LA, NY and Chicago yeah yeah.

6: Did you go out or stay in last night?
Out... always out.

7: How late did you stay up last night?
Little past midnight.

8: Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?
Haha, it's a common occurrance, I just hate clothes.

9: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?
Too drunk for my own good.

10: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?
Yes.

11: Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
If I had to, yes.

12: Have you pretended to like someone?
Being civil as a friend, yes.

13: Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
Undoubtedly.

14: Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
Yes :)

15: Is it hard for you to get over someone?
Depending on the situation.

16: Think back five months ago, were you single?
Negative.

17: Have you ever cried from being so mad?
Yes.

18: Hold hands with anyone this week?
Yes.

19: Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?
Nope, in a car.

20: Who did you last see in person?
Mummabear.

21: What is the last thing you said out lot?
"There is some on my white thing" - in relation to something in my room.

22: Have you kissed three or more people in one night?
Dirty.

23: Have you ever been to Paris?
I have, it is one of the most beautiful, fantastic places I have been.

24: Are you good at hiding your feelings?
Not in the slightest.

25: Do you use chap stick?
Everyday.

26: Who did you last share a bed with?
Emmy and Becca last night. You can never underestimate the value of good friends.

27: Are you listening to music right now?
Smash.

28: What is something you currently want right now?
Always.

29: Were your last three kisses from the same person?
Indeed.

30: How is your heart lately?
Hanging in there.

31: Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?
When I'm sleeping or on a plane, yes.

32: When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?
Today! I saw Luke for the first time since we were in London together!

33: What do people call you?
Hann, or Hannhann or some other variation of the sort.

34: Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?
Constantly, but the truth always has a way of coming out.

35: Are there any stressful situations in your life?
Life in itself is generally stressful for me.

36: What are you going to name your son?
Lincoln Clayton.

37: What is wrong with you right now?
Itchy hangover.

38: Love really is a beautiful thing huh?
It's messy.

39: Do you make wishes at 11:11?
Without fail.

40: What is on your wrists right now?
Pandora on one, my Louis Vuitton watch on the other.

41: Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused/waiting for the unexpected?
Take and confused and waiting, can I be all three?

42: Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wearing?
Indonesia, last year.

43: Have you ever regretted kissing someone?
Like I could never, ever explain.

44: Have you hugged someone within the last week?
Lots of people.

45: Have you kissed anyone in the last five days?
Yes.

46: What were you doing at midnight last night?
Driving home I think.

47: Do you miss the way things were six months ago?
Things were a lot similar to the way they are now. So, not overly.

48: Would you rather sleep with someone else or alone?
Depends who the someone else is.

49: Have you ever been to New York?
Yes, I spent Christmas and New Years Eve just gone there. And it was honestly one of the most magical times of my life.

50: Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
I honestly couldn't tell you anymore.